Finances having to be rebuilt…
Serious bank made today! Praise Him for providing!
Monthly Archives: August 2011
Finances having to be rebuilt…
I woke up this morning for work [5:15am...ouch...], in a strange, unique persona floated over me. Trying not to be dramatic, but at least embracing what I felt.
It was a strange heavy sensation that floated over me, into the shower, out into the car, and down the interstate today. The unique concept that was realized was that my mind had disengaged the past six years of my life.
Quick recap: Spent the past six years in college, living in the other area of the state.
Sure, I retain all the information from college, classes, unique experiences, etc…but the relational aspect of those years are gone. I just don’t remember them, none of them: ex’s 1-3, those memories, it’s just gone. I’m not trying to ‘block’ them out, I’m not trying to ignore them, I just don’t remember anymore. Memories from less then a year ago are gone.
As I told a friend today, “It’s as if I’ve stepped back into the mind I had in high school”. Not saying that the maturity issue remains the same, just the sensation of…freedom, excitement, even a thought of feeling a little more…pure?
When waking I stood in the shower for a while, trying to figure out i this was a good or bad sensation that I was feeling today. You know what conclusion I’ve come to?
I’m loving the feeling! I definitely call it a sensation of peace today. Chalk it up as a blessing and a enjoying way to start the week.
…enjoying way to start life.
I’m out in the softball fields at home, watching the four local churches slug it out through their religious-turned-physical game of mushball. It’s entertainment for me because I don’t play after my breakdown at age 16 when I condemned the Catholic church to going to hell [I've learned since...].
I’m sitting with some local church goers, and now I currently attend a church not even located near the town I exist in. One of the churches recently had their pastor retire, they are searching for a new pastor [no worries, I know better...], anyways a nice, polite individual made the statement towards me, “You have your own thoughts, you’d be a great interim pastor…oh wait, you can’t, you’re divorced now”.
I should make it very, VERY clear that this individual meant no wrong by that comment. However, it lit a fuse on me that finally blew up when I got home:
Why am I unclean? Who from what church declares that I’m unfit for any duty inside the church? How can one gauge my sin, my problems as greater then those of…I don’t know, a standard American pastor?
It seriously sent me into a fit for the night. I hate being told what I can and cannot do, and the fact that KJ chose no form of reconciliation, after I pushed and pushed for it, cannot come back to completely be placed on me, blame and such.
I don’t like being told what I can and cannot do, especially when I know my God can do anything greater through anything [He spoke through a donkey for goodness sake...].
I don’t like being the leper.
If there is one promise of life…aside from death and taxes…it is transitions…
Without the ability to transition we would merely not exist. Humanity found out how to survive in Oklahoma, meaning anything is possible [feeling a bit sarcastic today]. Up until now many of the posts within this site have revolved around the concept of divorce, the feeling, the thought, the actions, and even some of the legalities of it.
That was its initial purpose.
However, now we find that it is time to transition this site.
Name stays, but the theme is altered.
So far, filingthepapers has consisted of two areas:
- Acknowledgement of a divorce, talking about the mental aspects of it
- Accepting the painful time of going through a divorce, the separation, anger, temptations, etc..
That’s what it was, however, now we are going to start aiming into the third section of filingthepapers
- Recovery and transitions
Because I’m a person who enjoys breaking down ideas by their initial thoughts let’s take a closer look at each:
- Recovery: There are many times of recovery that an individual goes through after a great loss in their life. While I’ve slowly started to adapt better to knowing that someone is out there, and someday will rock my world, really the primary focus of recovery for myself; financially. Between moving, switching jobs, attorney fees, and college debt; I’ve taken some serious hits in the past two months. My credit score is nearly completely destroyed and I have very little to my name. I guess when I talk about starting over, I literally mean starting completely over. So, with the pay from the new job kicking in September is going to be a month of catching back up, getting equal with payments again. October is going to be a month of getting ahead of payment schedules. November will be a month of getting fine details hammered out with my finances [increasing saving account, paying off credit card, etc...]. December will be a month of great savings, and January will start with some serious spending [traveling]. That’s the plan. Most of my life I’ve recovered from [aside out burst like tonight], but there are still a few things I’m having to readjust. Don’t worry, for those curious, my parents have given everything to help me out these past few months and inside my bill details is info to pay back MC and Jim every single dime they’ve offered, if for no other reason, it’s because they deserve it.
- Transitions: Earlier this blog, as noted above, was focused on the divorce. Since the state of Missouri has come out and said the divorce is finalized, so to is its time in the spotlight on this page. Now, we begin to focus more on growth of the spiritual being, the physical being, and even the relational being of myself. At the moment, to give you a taste; today I got up and found to scale and weighed myself; I’m sitting at 238 pounds. That is 40 pounds lighter then I was in February. I consider that a success with thirteen more pounds to lose. I firmly believe that a strong core of my well being comes from my thoughts about my physical self. Being a red head in high school was not my greatest quality. Now, though it may sound shallow, I’m out to prove to the world that I can be attractive. It’s a transition from accepting myself, my spot in life, and where I’m heading and saying, “No, I want to be something better.”
If this page stayed on the same thought, it’d draw dull at an exponential pace. Here’s to the upcoming changes and transitions!
I weighed myself today.
238 pounds! That’s a loss of 40 pounds since February!
I only have 13 pounds left to reach my goal! Get your praise on!
Just opened my mail a few minutes ago. Had a letter from a Circuit Court.
I’m officially divorced as decreed by this state.
Tonight I feel:
Ying & Yang
Milk and Coffee
They all have the same in common: balance.
I’ve come to realize that within the past week that balance is about to become my next challenge. I love rocking it out in the church that I attend on Sunday, seriously, it melts my face like no ones business. However, I noticed today, for the first time since attending there, that I was struggling paying attention. I wasn’t tired, cold, hot, any of those usual problems that plague the average church attender. I was just uncomfortable, I wasn’t comfortable in my skin.
It was halfway through the sermon that I started to discover why: I was thinking about Subway.
The ideas of new store development marketing procedures, sales building, and other facets of the job were flooding in my mind. Most days I would chalk this up as just part of the job [working on Saturday threw my internal clock off as well], but the fact that I was dealing with it on a Sunday, caused me to understand that I must find balance in my life when work is involved.
It is of no surprise that this path was taken as of late. Many people who go through ‘traumatic’ moments in their life [for example; divorce] will find ways to cope with the situation. Inside the United States it isn’t uncommon for that coping mechanism to be burying ones self in ones work [and trust me, with this job that doesn't take much]. Is it just an example of a person ‘running away’ from the problems of their life? Not necessarily, it can merely mean that they’re looking for things to fill that emotional and time gap that is suddenly found in their life.
What does all of this mean for myself?
Time management. When I took the job with Subway they explained to me very clearly that this job would be successful for myself only if I demonstrated good time management [when you're driving 1200 miles a week, you've got to be good with time]. What I didn’t realize was that to keep my sanity my life couldn’t revolve around my job, my job needed to merely be part of my life.
With that said; I have also piled myself with many other things associated with soccer [can be found here]. I do this for a reason though. To be truthful, while married I was quite lethargic on many things, I just didn’t have the energy to do much of anything [living in a basement apartment has that affect also]. Since then [plus some rays of sun], I have energy like I did years ago. Who am I to waste it? If I’ve got the time and the energy why not pour myself into as much as possible? Today it was reveled to me that I will be coaching a U-8 recreation soccer team in the area, those are 6-7 year old’s…also known as ‘herd-ball’. I’ve got the energy, I should take these opportunities.
I guess in the end it means this; being swamped with five million different obligations isn’t bad, but like physical health, emotional health has to be taken into consideration. All work, no play, and all that jazz…
So, Monday-Friday [and an occasional Saturday], you’ve got me Subway…at least part of the day. Saturday-Sunday though…oh my life shall be lived to its fullest.
May all of us take a look into our lives, see if we’re using work to fill voids in our life, and seeing if we do have the much needed balance that brings about good mental and emotional health.
Ok, for those who live under a rock and aren’t aware, I love myself some soccer.
More specifically I thoroughly enjoy women’s soccer.
So, I was just asked if I’d cover the Missouri vs Florida NCAA Women’s college match for Our Game Magazine [magazine devoted strictly towards women's soccer world wide]!
I’m still slightly shaking!
Wow! God is great!
What would I do if I saw you on this day? What happens if we crossed paths and never knew it? My heart today runs rapidly with questions to you my angelic creature. I’m amazed that when I look at you, I see a human, I see God’s love, but most amazingly…I see God’s creation and it warms my soul. How beautiful you are! Whenever I find my eyes locked on you I notice my breathing shortens, I develop this ‘tunnel vision’, all I can see in such a vibrant world is your glimmering smile and your star struck eyes. You’re so beautiful.
I was eating dinner a few nights ago, this is a true story, and I completely spaced off from my meal and the conversations around me. I thought of you, whoever you may be, and our wedding. Just how excited you are, how happy, you’re smiling is already stunning, but that day…that day it warms the entire building. You look so gorgeous in your dress, family and friends all around. We lived out the perfect day.
I’m waiting for you, it’s hard staying patient, but I’m waiting…I can’t wait to meet you my sweet dove.