I own my own business!!!!!
No, I have not vanished into thin air.
Yes, life has been five different ways psychotic in the past few days…
Fear not. Information [both useful and worthless] will be coming to you, my lovely, favored readers!
Got out to my store in the middle of nowhere…again…
Wound up at my second store, an hour behind schedule. Already in a rush, wanting to get the day done.
In the corner was this aged man, sucking down his drink from lunch. All around, greasy hands, and weathered face. Of course my power outlet wasn’t working, so I had to move to his side of the store. The moment I sat down, he started talking…
I was in a rush.
I was behind.
For the past ninety minutes I have listened to this man, who is a truck driver, who has a kosher beef processing farm in Kansas, who was a bodyguard for a bar in the ’80′s. He just kept talking. I listened, and listened, and am still listening…
This is Saturday, his walking day from his truck; regardless of where he’s traveling. He’s just a lonely, single truck driver who has seen so much through his years…
…and so few people to share it with.
I’m going to be so tired tomorrow. Yet, I can’t all asleep until I ponder this simple question.
When do you know that you’ve grown up?
We hear it all of our lives. When you’re 18, 21, 25 [so I've been told], and as the older folks of our population are quick to point out [slowly]; you never actually grow up. Personally, I’ve been wanting to grow up…most of my life. Whether it be with the suit, or the job, the education, or even the family. Growing up is what I wanted because the life that I currently was living was very…one dimensional. Through the past several months you’ve seen me pile and pile and run and run, and try to gather as much ‘stuff’ as possible to look grown up, to appear grown up, yet…it still wasn’t it.
I mean, perhaps God doesn’t really care about us wanting to grow up, after all Jesus was pretty quick to talk about the faith of a child, and how God tends to smile on that one. While my ex-wife’s engagement news was startling, it wasn’t enough for my world to come crashing down [again]. However, the thing that continues to hurt, no matter how much i sleep, how hard I work, or how far I run; is getting so stumbled and tripped up on the whole relationships issue of the human mind. It just eats at me, I let it eat at me; Twitter feeds, Facebook profile pictures, people posting picture of their KIDS of who I graduated with in high school and college. Yes, you can easily read this and write it off as just a kid that is whining because he is lonely and you know what I’d tell you…
…you’re absolutely right.
I get that faith is what faith is. Without it, simply put, I would not exist. I also and get that God expects one to giv everything and I literally mean everything to Him to take care of. Frankly, I just question Him constantly over one simple thought:
If You created this heart so big. Why did you create this boy to roam alone?
I’d simply be lying if I said that I don’t get mad at God. I’d be a heathen to state that my faith is unshakable, and I’d be a failure to say that I’m ‘like this’ with God. Some days I am, and some days I’m angry, upset, and confused. Having repeatedly failed relationships, including a bad marriage, creates so many scars that God can flash lightning before my face, and yet I still struggle with one idea:
Why would He create someone for me, anyways? I tend to just destroy beauty that He tries to show me.
I don’t have the answer. So many aspects of my life, God has taken and turned into some amazing feats, unanswerable miracles, and all around amazing.
I’d give it all up in a heartbeat just to see her face. Just to be reminded that she’s real, and He’s working on her, like me in order to be ready to get it right.
I just want to get it right.
Fight or flight.
What’s your claim to fame?
I confess that I have a horrible tendency to pick up and start moving the moment that something makes me feel uncomfortable. I urge to get out, explore, and start over [sound eerily familiar?], and while that has been the case with my life in the past nine, going on ten months; I know I speak for myself when I say that I have to accept my life and stop fleeing from it.
In high school I had this amazing ability to scream, complain, and fight with MC [no one should be surprised at this]. Time and time again I would strap on my shoes and take off running down the streets of my home town [hence why no one is surprised to see me doing the same thing these days, minus the fighting]. It was my escape, I had to get away, even if I wound up back in the same house. For those precious moments I had to ‘escape’. However, as I grow older [wiser...not so much...], eventually you can’t get away from it all. You can’t just get in the car and drive a thousand miles [usually], or hop on a plane and disappear [though tempting].
I think that’s a moment that I’m at in this chapter of my life. So much is going on, so quickly and so ‘professionally’ that it’s hard to get a hold of it all. Many days I just think, “What would happen if I just started to drive west? Wake up in the Rocky’s? Dream of chopping wood and living in a small town along the peaks?” Of course, then I step out and look into the cornfields that stretch for miles and remind myself of my reality. I’m the owner of a future soccer team, I work for Subway [still], I’ve gotten a brand new start on life with a caring family, great friends, and loving church. Why try to escape that?
The temptation of thinking that there is something better along the horizon. The thought that maybe, on my own, fully removed from a divorce and recovery; great things can happen.
That’s called human ignorance of the grace that lies before me.
Great things are already happening.
…tonight’s just a night to ramble…
So I woke up [very groggy] to this text message from MC this morning:
On KLJC [radio station]: Who inspires you? My answer is my son. (They already acknowledged Jesus first) Your perseverance, love for God, persistence in following your dream, love for the lost and your evangelism through life are all inspirational to me. Love you lots…mom
Hard to argue with someone who has beat cancer and about everything else known to mankind.
Blessed way to start the day.
Remember this piece from earlier today?
Yeah, just was notified a few hour ago that roughly $1,500 has become 90% available for the Kansas City Shock!
I’ve had to give myself a few days to figure out the proper procedure for writing precariously about specific topic.
Here we go.
A few nights ago, while attempting to eat a late dinner and enjoy a USA show [Fairly Legal...don't hate...]. It was at the time, while trying to do some book work for my job, that a friend of mine contacted me and we started just a idle little chat. It was a few minutes into the conversation that he asked if I had heard about my ex-wife.
Naturally, legally; I hadn’t heard a thing.
“[Ex-wife] is engaged.”
So maybe I dropped the fork, maybe I paused the television and suddenly lost my appetite. It was incredible how instantaneous the amount of emotions that flooded over my mind, my heart, and in turn my soul. I just had absolutely no idea what to think, primarily because so many thoughts had dived into my brain and like a nasty knot on a flag pole, I was trying to untangle them. Primarily the thoughts went from sorrow, to sadness, to anger, to bitterness, and back again.
Then I told MC [my mistake]. It was her comments, associated with Jim’s that were completely acceptable given the circumstance, but at the same time were an eye opener to myself. They were upset, and in turn started to wonder if my ex-wife had met someone prior to the divorce being finalized.
Note: By no way am I supporting that claim.
I noticed that from that moment, I became extremely irritated. Even at my parents. I mean, come on, if anyone has the ‘right’ to be angry, it was myself. However, in the end she’s still a Christian, right? In the end, I’m still a Christian, right? Therefore, why should conform to the rest of my micro-culture and just be another Christian who dislikes another? How does that make sense, and more importantly, how on earth does that reflect anything that Jesus taught? How can I justify detesting and hating a soul, and at the same time claim that my faith is what makes me who I am? They can’t be blended together.
After speaking to Darco last night over the topic, it came to point of thinking about what if God does great things through my ex-wife and her soon-to-be husband? Why are you to be bitter over the encompassing grace that God does great things through anyone that screws up in life? Additionally, when she left me, my needs were very evident; shelter, job, and a new life. Wouldn’t you know it, God provided all three. Weird, right? At the same time, if I learned anything about my ex-wife, a healthy relationship is so, so vital for her spiritual existence. Would it surprise anyone if God provided her with her needs as well?
God isn’t one dimensional, He doesn’t just take care of my needs; He does it for everyone else. Whether it be K8 with a possible new job, Dur with moving, Darco with a promotion, or even my own insane life. There’s no reason He wouldn’t take care of everyone else that isn’t me or directly associated with my life.
I think this is monumental moment in my life. A period in which I shed off the clothes of selfishness and recognize that yes, God is for me. However, He’s also for the rest of His children.
Even someones future wife.
Even my ex-wife.
At the same time; I do confess that my heart hurt. Selfishly, but it did hurt. Not so much in the fact that my ex-wife so quickly forgot me and moved on. Surprisingly that didn’t even cross my mind. What hurt was seeing someone that could recover so quickly, and get into such a healthy relationships so rapidly. Yet, as embarrassingly as this sounds, I’m still alone. Yes, you do not need to beat into my head that I’m ‘never alone’. However, for all of you married, or who were once married; you know exactly what I’m talking about. That fear that eats at you, that fear I wake up to in the morning that says, “I will be alone for the rest of my life.” And please, don’t give me that, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with being single.” I get it, for some individuals out there, it’s the thing, it’s trendy, it’s like a cosmo with a sweater vest. To them, I say good luck and God bless; be like Paul and enjoy. However, I can also tell you that this was not a heart meant to be left alone. While I acknowledge that God continues to show me the red light towards the idea of a relationship…ever, as it has proven to us historically, not to be healthy.
It still hurts though. Loneliness still hurts.