#getyourpraiseon


On time, and with time to spare…

All assignments turned in, all discussions posted, and all readings done. I’ve finished my first week of class!

…only five more weeks to go…

It’s all worth it though. Even if I’m without a classroom next school year, I just want my license back. At the moment I truly don’t feel like I belong inside the school I’m at because of my lack of certification. It’s a hard pill to swallow, that’s why I never try to get a student to understand that I’m an instructor. Technically, I’m not, I’m there to assist them with their studies, and to assist their instructors. Don’t get me wrong though; I can’t wait for the moment that I’m able to hold onto my documents and be acknowledged as a licensed educator in this state again.

-D-

XXXI: Keeping Up


Wake up.

I have thirty minutes on the clock.
Grab my pants, where’s the shirt for today? Socks? Got ‘em.
Start the shower, will the water warm up any faster?
Wake up, let’s do this.
Don’t stand under the water, you’ll waste time.
Get dry. Remember pants and shirt on first, socks last, otherwise you’ll be tempted to stay seated on the bed.
Contacts? Those’ll be last, let’s get the water boiling. 5 tablespoons of coffee, cup is clean.
That cat has got to stop messing with my shoe strings while I’m trying to tie them.
Pour the water, set the timer for six minutes. Do I have my lunch ready? Where’s the bowl for breakfast?
Thank goodness that granola was made.
Grab the coat. Shut off the bedroom light. Section one cleared.
Contacts in. Shut the bathroom light. Section two cleared.
Coffee is ready. We need more sugar. Is that almond milk still good?
Bag? Check.
Coat? Check.
Keys? Check.
Phone? Check.
Cereal? Yep, with coffee.
House lights are turned off. Section three cleared.

Almost word-for-word these are the thoughts that stream through my mind Monday through Friday each week. It’s quite literally non-stop fun waking up and getting ready without running into any problems. That being said, by the time it is all said and done, Saturday is the first time that I decide to try to breathe. I’ll claim the card of just getting older, but this past week absolutely exhausted me and pushed me to a level of stress that I hadn’t witnessed in some time. It was a blend of work related stuff, and stuff outside of work. I added to my load this week by starting a college course through the University of Phoenix. It’s my first class that could be counted as a Master’s level class, but so far it hasn’t proven to be much more than reading and discussing theories of classroom organization. That shouldn’t come as much of a shock, but I’m still happy that I’m able to take the class (and thanks to Darco’s job, we were able to pay for it upfront in full). The passing completion of that class will result in my teaching license being reinstated, something that I can wholeheartedly say I’m dying to achieve. Even without an actual classroom, I feel so inadequate roaming the halls of the school being asked by students if I’m something that I’m not. The downside of course is the additional amount of time being consumed to ensure that I do complete the class…correctly.

From there, there’s an added element of my body. While I am losing weight (again), my legs aren’t doing everything that I’d like them to be doing. Most notably problems in my knees and still in my Achilles. I’m praying for an opportunity to try a spine and joint center in the city that specializes in working with runners. If it’s not my shoes that are causing this, I’ll be very curious as to what they end up finding. I’m still running and training, but my workload on my feet is very, very light. It’s not worth making problems worse just because I’m stubborn.

Outside of work and running is church (not always in that order). Darco and I continue to spend time at a ‘home church’ on Thursday nights, soon to be changing to Sunday nights, and personally it isn’t easy. There are so many things I’ve developed horrible habits of being uncomfortable with and they’re all coming out at once. I’m not keen on physical touch, aside from Darco, from anyone. I still struggle working with very small children, and pregnancy still makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is just honesty coming out, not acknowledging that any of it is necessarily bad. I suppose the reality is that I need to grow up and be like everyone else. Eventually I have to accept the idea of the same job for 20+ years, I have to accept the average family size, the mortgages, and everything that comes along with it. Truthfully, I’m still denying it as if it were some form of plague. Perhaps it’s just the sinful nature of my soul, but I still have zero desire to follow through with all this notions that people point out as joyful and wonderful. I suppose I’m still selfish, but there isn’t even a stirring in my soul of, “Oh, this will be so fun.” I’m still thinking of running, work, and honestly…just being married.

Fear. I’ve been trying to fully comprehend and handle fear. Understand the death, destruction, second coming, and everything in between doesn’t bother me. There really is very little out there in this world that I fear. I’ve just about failed at everything I’ve been a part of, so the world isn’t nearly as scary now. With that said, there’s still one thing that burns in my heart as an absolute terror. I’m terrified that my wife will leave me. I’m scared that one disagreement, one argument, one forgotten date, failed objective (cooking, cleaning, etc…) will result in her packing up and never returning. Does Darco ever act like that? Absolutely not, but when dealing with stress from the week, it just eats at me. I think back to false promises, storybook thoughts, and tragic endings. My mind reverts back to a time of chaos and isolation. Thunderstorms, softball, and crying myself to sleep. I still remember it all like a permanent scar. Darco knows this, and she always reminds me that it’ll never happen. Frankly, I don’t see how people can be divorced, be left, and then just play it off as if nothing tragic happened in their life. It’s my fear, my terror, it’s what keeps me up at night. If I’m not perfect, if I don’t fix every problem, my wife will leave me. If I screw up the financials and miss a bill, my wife will leave me. If I get onto her about sleeping too long, or something along those lines, my wife will leave me. I’ve concluded, through the stupidity in my head, that this will forever be the curse that I’ll have to live with.

There’s a lot on my plate in the mornings, several thoughts streaming through my mind. The weeks are long, but most of the time they’re fun, I just wish I was a better person.

-D-

XXXI: Lost It


I threw the water bottle down on the ground…
I kicked my bag into the closet…
I tapped my inner-middle school student and had an untimely meltdown tonight. Stress that I’d kept in just erupted into a tantrum that’d make a five year old blush.
I was tired, angry, and felt that no one was listening.
Praise God, Darco exists. She walked up to me, grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes and slowly, calmly said…

You are tired. You are angry. Calm down and come to bed.

I obeyed. Shaking, breathing heavy, but the gentleness of that soul was enough to bring me down off the tirade.
The explosion stems from the mass amount of stress at work that I can’t show to the students. They don’t deserve that. It comes from knee pain from running. It comes from going three days in a row from 5:30 AM to 11:30 PM. It comes from only seeing Darco while we’re both awake this week for a grand total of six hours.

With a deep breath, I’ll try to calm my soul to rest…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Burning Sensation


My morning…
To clarify: I went from 6:00 AM to 9:30 PM non-stop yesterday.
My morning…
I’m standing in the hallway at school. Watching the halls and chatting with the kids. Suddenly my left foot started to experience a strange burning sensation. Finally I stopped what I was doing and looked down at my foot.

…I had left the lid open on my coffee cup, and because of the angle I was holding it, I was pouring the hot contents all over my left shoe. Soaking my shoe and and my sock.

This was my morning…

-D-

XXXI: In Step


This is the second attempt to type this post, as the first one vanished into nothing for some strange reason…*cough, WordPress, cough*

Today, I felt for a change that the impossible was real. With a few quick steps and a deep breath I could feel my mind accept the reality that I don’t have to live by the world’s expectations. Each step that landed I could feel my soul swell, my heart race, and my legs demand more from the life I call my own. I felt powerful and strong. I felt God and it was beautiful.

The truth is that the weather was nice enough to visit the local track to run. It was my first time out since 2014, and my first day doing any form of sprinting since my Achilles injury. I did a simple 4×400 routine. It was the third 400 though that caught me off guard. I had rounded the fourth corner and headed down the final straightaway and I could feel my body demand more from my soul. Almost as if it was saying, “We can do more than this”. I could feel my thighs taking over for my calves, my hips forcing my legs to stretch out behind and in front of my body, and I glided across the finish line. It was a short, very short moment, but that memory will forever be engrained into my mind.

I was fast. I was strong. I was recovering. My body isn’t even remotely close to 100%, but after that series I spent another hour and a half in the gym, including another light mile run. I could have kept going. I had to tell myself to get off the treadmill to prevent injury. I could have easily gone two, three, four miles without stopping. I was zoned out, spaced out, and lost in my own mind. The meters ticked by without my notice, and my feet just meshed in rhythm.

Everything was beautiful.

Granted, at the moment I can barely move my legs. My body is a wreck and I’m grateful I’m not training tomorrow.

This must be why people dreamed of flying. While I never left the ground, the sensation was so overwhelming for a split moment I felt as if I could do anything. It makes me want to push hard, go longer, become stronger. It makes me think that even for a winless soul like me, I can finally win something for the right reason.

I finally feel as if I can be in step and communicate effectively with my God.

-D-