XXXI: Imaginative Epic Monologues

*tap, tap, tap…*

I’m supposed to type something here. I have plenty of random, worthless thoughts in my head but getting them organized to type is rather challenging I’m learning.

This week has been some funky, hazy experience of…well…I’m not really sure. From nightmares including astronauts exploding and having my eyes cut out with razor blades, to running to the point that my feet go numb (we’re sure that’s not normal) I’ve actually had a difficult time of separating reality from illusions of mental games.

Does that make sense? Continue reading

XXXI: Running Fuel

What gets you around the track? To lift the weights? The go the distance?


Not just the physical food context, but the mental drive to overcome the shortcomings that our mind places before us.

What is your fuel?

I try to envision the future, I try to dream of the impossible, and keep my feet moving one step at a time. However, eventually I grow tired and I begin to reach for hidden cheats, the known pieces of life that can drive anyone beyond the pain threshold.

Anger, bitterness, hate.

Using negativity to fuel the drive to overcome will merely place your name among those who have failed to ascend above God, Himself.

I still hate. I’ve covered it up, masked it the best I could, but it still sits there. Knowing that I’ll explore that dark world when the miles begin to add. Broken promises, bad relationships, failed marriages, and manipulated moments…I’m still a broken man that struggles with hatred. It’s not just the context of being frustrated, it’s the dark area of the soul where you swear by things unknown that you will rise over those who ridiculed, yelled, and walked away.

Only God could accept a man still struggling with hatred. Only God would allow a man to run, knowing each mile he’ll have the option of fuel.

Will destiny, faith, and humility ever guide my way? Am I too broken to get past what’s been destroyed? Will the hatred ever go away?

I don’t know, I really don’t. Darco knows my demons, and demonstrates patience each time they’re brought up. I can only pray that this is an assistant coach training an athlete to become self disciplined in the soul, as he is to be on the track.


Mobile Minutes: Chasing Dreams

I kept the form.

It was only for one mile, but everything was dialed in, stance, pace, power, mind, and soul. No pain throughout my body, only mental hurdles while running the night away…

I know several people who run in groups, run together, etc…I have never been that person. In high school it was because I was too slow (I got lapped at practice), in college it was because I wasn’t on a team, and now…it’s because other people are not dependable.

False promises, false ideals, or just an overall lack of commitment keeps me on the one way road. I run alone, train alone, and lift alone (safely). I’m learning that you cannot lean on others to motivate you, you have to motivate you. This concept and belief is your dream, not theirs, so why punish them? They aren’t deciding to trade off life for shoes, or burgers for smoothies (sort of), that’s my sacrifice, no one else’s.

I run a lonely path because it’s what I learned felt best. My soul and emotions run wild alone. With anyone else I’m concerned about them, their speed, what they’re thinking, how they’re judging me, and so on. Alone I’m only judging myself, and that’s enough because in my own eyes, I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never look the best, perform the best, or try the hardest. Make no mistake, mentally I am my worst enemy. I curse my efforts, and pound away on what pride is left.

I don’t run for fun, I run because it is a part of my identity. I hold onto the element as if it was part of my soul. I run because I dream, and dreams are worthless unless they transcend into reality.

When I lace up, when the music turns on, frankly I do not care about anyone else…

I’m out to chase dreams.


XXXI: Church Persona

I tend not to think of life in years as I do lifetimes. Currently, I’m on my third lifetime. I was watching some videos over at IAMSECOND, and one of the speakers brought up the point of not really understanding God’s grace until you release your church persona. It wasn’t until I heard that, that it really clicked with me.

In 2009 I was the model American Christian; I went to church, I knew scripture, I could maintain theological debates, I was in the right place. Two years following I gave up on the church image and walked away, hence the beginning of FilingThePapers.

Similar to the open road this has become my sanctuary, my reminder that God exists, that God is love, and that God cares about my repulsive, sinful soul. The rest of the world laughs at my mistakes, I personally tear myself down daily, but I can still wake up knowing God loves me for the flawed person I am. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Time Trials

It’s nothing serious, I promise.

I’ve had my smoothie for breakfast (it’s not artificial stuff…it’s peanut butter [raw], two bananas, some almond/coconut milk blend, hemp protein, and ice). Ate my salad for lunch, and it’s nearly 4:00 PM and I’m starving! I’m currently the watchman at the office since everyone else is gone, that’s no problem, minus the fact that I’m wasting away. Continue reading

XXXI: Body Issues

I’m going to mark my spot for being in the .01% of the United States population. I have a very strong dislike towards a recent trending topic (besides Hobby Lobby), and over the week I’ve been trying to figure out how I should address it, how I should write, and what I really dislike so much.

After eating two hard boiled eggs, a container of pineapples, and leftovers from dinner last night I think I know where to start.

I cannot stand the ESPN Magazine: Body Issue Continue reading

XXXI: Strength

I get to play a rough game during the standard work week…

Wake up.
Quick protein bar.

I’m still trying to get used to the concept, but trust me when I say that it isn’t easy. Sacrifices are made, plans get rearranged, and planning ahead was never so important.

All for the sake of running. Continue reading

XO: Wandering Around

What on earth are we doing?

That was the question recently (this evening) posed to Darco in our living room. With ice on my feet, and a cat lurking along the couches, my wife and I have come to this strange paradox of the adult world…

We have no idea what to do.

The reality is that while we’re both very blessed with epic jobs; we find ourselves already in the routine of the standard, cultured sheep. We wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, drive home, work out, eat dinner, go to bed, repeat…

Every. Single. Day.

Dearest reader, please tell me that we’re the only two people on this entire globe that witness this strange sensational repetitiveness throughout the days? Even in my job, pouring through posts, tweets, and shares; the cycles are all the same. Monday is slow, the weekend is good for Client A, business is good Tuesday-Saturday for Client B, new ‘news’ for Client C is dropped publicly on Monday morning, etc…

You’re telling me; even in the ever-changing world of social media, there’s a pattern? This is why I stopped playing video games; I grew tired of the calculated, formulated, expected patterns that form within each piece of software.

When mankind less its ability to imagine, it welcomed in the ability to function in predictable cycles, and I am now one of them. Meal portions are weighed out, drinks are poured to their proper levels, bills are adjusted, prepped, and paid, and the alarm that’s set for seven days a week rarely, if ever, changes.

You can’t convince me that God intended His creation to live this way. Pinned up, programmed products of a cultural phenomenon that doesn’t condemn creativity, but assists in assuring that it doesn’t take place. Poets and painters have no reason to exist, and eventually handwriting will disappear completely. We don’t need to think, there’s drive-thru’s in place for us to do that instead.

My theory:
You have an imagination? Great, there’s an entire industry waiting for you to explore your possibilities and potentials. However, first you need to be sure to grab your four-year undergraduate diploma.
-Four Years Later-
Yes, you too have the proper documentation to fulfill the job requirements in this cubical for the rest of your life. If you work hard enough you too may be swayed by financial stability, and encouraged to finally put your dreams to rest.

Isn’t this what it’s all about in the end? CEO’s, board members, councils, and committees. Every move, action, idea, insult, and imaginative complex goes to benefit a few, for the harvesting of the many.

Am I really all that different? I type the day away to ensure that clients are happy; they’re happy by seeing a drop in costs and a raise in revenue. Darco works with coffee, selling a product to a consumer, in return for a wage that doesn’t match the job requirements, in order to benefit the shareholders of the organization that may or may not be in a semi-possible progress to monopolize an entire industry (thank goodness she’s got great dental insurance though). We’re bound by the ‘necessities of life’ within the confines of our daily atmosphere that in many cases we miss the fact that we’re only pieces on someones game board.

Perhaps I just drank too much coconut milk tonight, and these words aren’t my own. Maybe I didn’t get enough endorphin’s this evening and it’s allowing my brain to stir.

Maybe it’s just the fact that I have a hard time accepting a reality that I would be ashamed to go before my Father and say, “This is what I’ve done with the time and skills that You’ve given me”.

Maybe it’s just me.