Once upon a time, when I was much younger, naive, and frankly…dumb, I got involved in an event in high school that resulted in a threat of suspension. Another student had posted on their locker (this is circa 2004) a lengthy explanation of why they did not agree with our government being involved in Iraq. Continue reading
Darco is woken up by her store, notifying her of a scheduling error…resulting in her heading to work for two hours this afternoon.
Phone call results in us falling behind in time to get to church.
The Mazda3 has hit the level of “epic” in regards to a flat tire.
Yep…it’s definitely Sunday.
A phrase I’ve heard more than once inside the school over the past several weeks, directed at students…
Being an adult isn’t always that fun. Right now, it stinks.
This usually coincided with sick days, retirement issues, and taxes. Continue reading
Perhaps it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself. Time and time again I hear a preacher say, usually with passion and fire, “God uses and used average, everyday people!”
I’m closing in on 30 years of life and I’m slowly starting to accept my fear.
I’m not an Olympian, professional athlete, world renowned business owner, or genius.
I’m a married man with a steady income. I’m going to wind up with 2.3 kids, a white picket fence, and a mortgage.
I suppose the earlier I begin to accept these realities the sooner life will level out.
God uses average people…
I can only hope…
Ever have a scar that begins to ache (weather change, too cold, etc…)?
Tonight I was digitally encouraged by Darco to begin a daily devotion (seven days) on marriage and commitment.
“No big deal”, I thought as I accessed the piece. First came scripture talking about one man and one woman equalling one flesh together.
“I got this”, I thought as I cruised through the plan. I accidentally got our of the application on my phone, so without thought I started digging for the plan again. When I had landed on the right page I saw a plan above the one I was working on…
Marriage: Infidelity Crisis
That’s all it took.
I logged out as fast as I could.
My mind was smacked with memories and moments from four years ago, nearly to the date when my wife-at-the-time attempted to go to marital counseling without informing me. I still remember the shaking legs, elevated heartbeat, wanting to be at my parents house while realizing I was trapped at her family’s house. I remember my brain being fuzzy, ears ringing, and a lump in my throat.
All of that, rushing back, from a stupid title.
My scars still ache.
It’s 9:30 PM and I’m sitting in the living room eating tacos from the kitchen. i’ve just finished another anime episode and I fell asleep on the couch; requiring Darco to wake me up for bed. It’s been that kind of day.
Absolute exhaustion and trying times.
Yesterday was a mess. Between some student loan issues (imagine that), screwing up an assignment for class, and just a failure to adapt to the classroom, it was not a pleasant experience. I was in a rather foul mood last night by the time I left school, and I was hoping (and seriously praying) that today would be different. Thankfully, this was the case. I’m not stating that the day was perfect in comparison to yesterday, but I am going to say that God was able to change my mindset and expectations, so that I could work in an area I love with a more humble soul.
Twice, in the past six months, I’ve failed to gain a classroom position inside the school. The first time it created a horrible sense of bitterness internally, but in the end I had to accept the reality that I didn’t hold the legal requirements to teach. Why should I be mad at someone else for the mistakes I’ve made? With that memory in mind I was able to handle the news of potentially missing out on another classroom position this week. Through this process I started to see the pattern that I’ve become a hypocrite in front of my own students…
So many times I’ve complained about students having this sense of entitlement when they’re in school, “Well, I earned this.” or “Well, I deserve that.” can be heard as distant echoes down the hallway. It’s rather irritating to hear and very discouraging when thinking of what the future could hold for them in this very hostile, unfriendly world.
I say that while with the same mouth and mind I can hear myself saying, out of bitterness…
I’m mad because I’ve earned this opportunity…
I’m upset because I deserve to have this chance…
Doesn’t matter the age, the reality is the same. I’m no different compared to my own students. I have this horrible, worldly sensation that punctures my soul with greed. The truth is, is that I don’t even deserve the job that I currently have. The bitter reality is knowing that there’s nothing in these previous four years of life that indicate I even deserve the life that I’ve been given. Classroom? Trying deserving the wife I have, a supportive family, loving friends, a healthy life, etc…
Who am I to seek entitlement for a life I don’t even deserve?
it was a hard, bitter pill to swallow. Recognizing how fallen I am, and how dirty I’ve become. Realizing this is why it became easier to accept my position, cling to my school, and stop worrying about all the details and just live an enjoyable life. I can firmly say that, that in itself is a blessing that I’ve missed for years.
Maybe this is just another one of my random rants about life. i’ve missed out twice on the hopes of having a real classroom for the next school year, and I’m thankful that God’s prepared my soul to handle the understanding that sometimes His timing and our own for our lives don’t always match up.
I have to require my soul to be alright with understanding that I cannot be in control of my life.
It wasn’t my own to start with anyways…
What I’m learning…
I love my students. Middle school kids crack me up on a daily basis. They’re strange, but they’re a ton of fun and the energy level never ends. It’s a perfect environment for me.
Chaos, energy, and attitude.
Sadly, like everything in life (not just work related) there is a flipside to this scenario. There’s a daily temptation that roams the halls each day that I exist, this whispering little serpent that winds itself in and out of the classrooms. It’s wrapped up in drama, gossip, rumors, and in many cases nothing in favor for the students.
My biggest struggle, deepest prayer, and darkest fear all stems from not giving into the world that’s before me. I never knew that even with the enjoyment of students, a quagmire of personal fear thrives in such a safe haven of joy.
It’s a learning lesson for sure, and definitely something that’ll never go away. No different than Jupiter’s ongoing storm, this reality and educational moment will continue to spin.
Perhaps I just need a bit more sugar and caffeine in the morning.