XXXI: Keeping Up


Wake up.

I have thirty minutes on the clock.
Grab my pants, where’s the shirt for today? Socks? Got ‘em.
Start the shower, will the water warm up any faster?
Wake up, let’s do this.
Don’t stand under the water, you’ll waste time.
Get dry. Remember pants and shirt on first, socks last, otherwise you’ll be tempted to stay seated on the bed.
Contacts? Those’ll be last, let’s get the water boiling. 5 tablespoons of coffee, cup is clean.
That cat has got to stop messing with my shoe strings while I’m trying to tie them.
Pour the water, set the timer for six minutes. Do I have my lunch ready? Where’s the bowl for breakfast?
Thank goodness that granola was made.
Grab the coat. Shut off the bedroom light. Section one cleared.
Contacts in. Shut the bathroom light. Section two cleared.
Coffee is ready. We need more sugar. Is that almond milk still good?
Bag? Check.
Coat? Check.
Keys? Check.
Phone? Check.
Cereal? Yep, with coffee.
House lights are turned off. Section three cleared.

Almost word-for-word these are the thoughts that stream through my mind Monday through Friday each week. It’s quite literally non-stop fun waking up and getting ready without running into any problems. That being said, by the time it is all said and done, Saturday is the first time that I decide to try to breathe. I’ll claim the card of just getting older, but this past week absolutely exhausted me and pushed me to a level of stress that I hadn’t witnessed in some time. It was a blend of work related stuff, and stuff outside of work. I added to my load this week by starting a college course through the University of Phoenix. It’s my first class that could be counted as a Master’s level class, but so far it hasn’t proven to be much more than reading and discussing theories of classroom organization. That shouldn’t come as much of a shock, but I’m still happy that I’m able to take the class (and thanks to Darco’s job, we were able to pay for it upfront in full). The passing completion of that class will result in my teaching license being reinstated, something that I can wholeheartedly say I’m dying to achieve. Even without an actual classroom, I feel so inadequate roaming the halls of the school being asked by students if I’m something that I’m not. The downside of course is the additional amount of time being consumed to ensure that I do complete the class…correctly.

From there, there’s an added element of my body. While I am losing weight (again), my legs aren’t doing everything that I’d like them to be doing. Most notably problems in my knees and still in my Achilles. I’m praying for an opportunity to try a spine and joint center in the city that specializes in working with runners. If it’s not my shoes that are causing this, I’ll be very curious as to what they end up finding. I’m still running and training, but my workload on my feet is very, very light. It’s not worth making problems worse just because I’m stubborn.

Outside of work and running is church (not always in that order). Darco and I continue to spend time at a ‘home church’ on Thursday nights, soon to be changing to Sunday nights, and personally it isn’t easy. There are so many things I’ve developed horrible habits of being uncomfortable with and they’re all coming out at once. I’m not keen on physical touch, aside from Darco, from anyone. I still struggle working with very small children, and pregnancy still makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is just honesty coming out, not acknowledging that any of it is necessarily bad. I suppose the reality is that I need to grow up and be like everyone else. Eventually I have to accept the idea of the same job for 20+ years, I have to accept the average family size, the mortgages, and everything that comes along with it. Truthfully, I’m still denying it as if it were some form of plague. Perhaps it’s just the sinful nature of my soul, but I still have zero desire to follow through with all this notions that people point out as joyful and wonderful. I suppose I’m still selfish, but there isn’t even a stirring in my soul of, “Oh, this will be so fun.” I’m still thinking of running, work, and honestly…just being married.

Fear. I’ve been trying to fully comprehend and handle fear. Understand the death, destruction, second coming, and everything in between doesn’t bother me. There really is very little out there in this world that I fear. I’ve just about failed at everything I’ve been a part of, so the world isn’t nearly as scary now. With that said, there’s still one thing that burns in my heart as an absolute terror. I’m terrified that my wife will leave me. I’m scared that one disagreement, one argument, one forgotten date, failed objective (cooking, cleaning, etc…) will result in her packing up and never returning. Does Darco ever act like that? Absolutely not, but when dealing with stress from the week, it just eats at me. I think back to false promises, storybook thoughts, and tragic endings. My mind reverts back to a time of chaos and isolation. Thunderstorms, softball, and crying myself to sleep. I still remember it all like a permanent scar. Darco knows this, and she always reminds me that it’ll never happen. Frankly, I don’t see how people can be divorced, be left, and then just play it off as if nothing tragic happened in their life. It’s my fear, my terror, it’s what keeps me up at night. If I’m not perfect, if I don’t fix every problem, my wife will leave me. If I screw up the financials and miss a bill, my wife will leave me. If I get onto her about sleeping too long, or something along those lines, my wife will leave me. I’ve concluded, through the stupidity in my head, that this will forever be the curse that I’ll have to live with.

There’s a lot on my plate in the mornings, several thoughts streaming through my mind. The weeks are long, but most of the time they’re fun, I just wish I was a better person.

-D-

XXXI: Failing to Save


I blame the depressing winter weather…

Heading home from dinner tonight I started thinking back to years past. Way into the years that had passed. I started to think about missed opportunities, failed acquaintances, and let downs. I feel guilty for my past. So many times opportunities were given to make the right move, and time and time again…I missed.

In several of those instances it came back to relationships. I don’t know how Darco does it, I really don’t, because the majority of the major mishaps in my life have originated from relationships. Really, I struggle with people. I place so many on altars of praise that I completely miss the point of why praise even exists. I take responsibility for damaging my first love by being a horrified, shallow example of a God-less Christian in the end. The same holds true to my first, second, and third relationship in college. Truly, I was a guy that should have never dated. I started off as a politician; smooth, charming, and kind. In the end, I was shallow, selfish, and manipulative. Can I be brutally honest? It’s been three going on four years since the divorce, and while I 100% am against divorce, I also 100% recognize and don’t blame my ex-wife for leaving. I failed that marriage because I failed to protect my heart.

Perhaps all of this is what makes Darco that much more amazing. She knows all of it, she knows the details of my failures, the things I will be judged for, and still loves me.

She’s definitely more Christ-like than she realizes.

-D-

XXXI: Every Step I Take


Every step I take,
I take in you,
You make move Jesus
Every breath I breathe,
I breathe in you,

The simple lines reverberate back memories of mission trips, summer camps, and when life was overall easier. Less facial hair, less stress, and an overall appreciation for simplicity…without even knowing it at the time. Even last night at my parents house I found a 31 page paper that I had typed out of spite towards one of my professors. Reading over the text I was humored at how naive I was at the time (and also how my grammar could be relatable to my sixth grade students). Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Saturday Seclusion


A day to sleep in…
A day to recover…
A day for bad news…

These are my Saturday’s in a nutshell. With my job going Monday through Friday, and Darco working Saturday mornings, the beginnings of the weekends have really opened up a bit. While I do spend some time cleaning, prepping, most of it frankly is spent lounging and relearning how to catch my breath from the week before. Sunday will be the day that I begin the preparation for the upcoming week. Sadly, sometimes Saturdays are also times to put out fires and try to establish control and balance to this life. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Tapped Out


It’s 7:00 PM.
I’m in bed.
It’s 7:00 PM.
Why am I in bed?

Equal parts:
-Headache (first time in months)
-Exhaustion (…just wiped out…)
-Experiment (training session switch up to the AM)

I’m not sick, I’m not getting sick, I’m just extremely worn out. I blame myself for getting the maximum of six hours of sleep per night this week. Obviously this can set the stage for this problem.

Not upset. Not cranky. Just completely wiped out, and because of how far behind I am in training I’m going to see if I can double up over Friday and Saturday sessions.

Here’s to motivation…and 4:00 AM…

-D-

XXXI: Wagon Falling


I’ve officially have fallen off the wagon.

I’m frustrated and tired while I write this tonight. I was supposed to go to the gym tonight. I did not. I was supposed to go to the gym last night. I did not. I’m supposed to have set goals over periods of time that I’m dedicate to. I do not. I’m struggling so much with mustering up the energy, motivation, and dedication to keep working on my body even though I can’t run.

I see through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and beyond all of the different runners the lives they live. Shoe contracts, random races, traveling, training, running, and pushing their bodies to the limit. Frankly, I’m struggling because I’m envious of them.

There, I said it. I’m dealing with jealousy because they’re living a life that I crave. I’m angered because I’m not living a life like that and I have no one to blame but myself and my lack of self-discipline. I have no problem admitting that I’ve fallen so, so short of my objectives, goals, and desires. Truth be told, I don’t want to just run races to run races. I want to win. I want to run crazy fast times. I want to push my body to its limits. Sure, this winter is already proving to be a great time for me to recover and recoup this annoying Achilles injury, but I still should be moving, lifting, eating right, refraining from eating wrong, chugging water, and avoiding bad foods.

Personally, I’m convinced that this doesn’t really matter to anyone else (if you’re anyone else I apologize that you’re reading this), and that is the beauty of running your own blog.

Sure, I could plot, plan, and attempt to execute some ‘master plan’ for ensuring success. However, the likelihood is that I’m going to fall, stumble, and trip. Additionally, I’m doing this on my own. There is no coach, no support, and honestly no words of motivation throughout the days. I’m learning that it’s hard to continue to motivate yourself without any audience. Perhaps my vantage point is incorrect, and I need to be reminded of why I’m supposed to do what I do, instead of focusing on who I’m doing it for.

I guess in the end I’ve just lost focus, lost my way, and need a bit of redirection.

Here’s to a new day tomorrow, and a new goal in the future.

-D-

XXXI: Between Chaos


*tap, tap, tap, tap…*

My feet keeping beat to an unknown theme. Collections of the weeks thoughts resonate throughout my being, as my physical state remains unmoved.

Place. Position. Theme. Existence.

A desire to understand purpose with each step. Yearning to establish cause and devotion.
Why am I here? Cycles moving through life, surrounding my being, but a path I’ve never touched.

Get out. Be free.

My soul silently pleads. Nerves throughout my mortal place awaken with fire, desperation ignites in my heart.

Take the chance. Make the move.

The only voices in my head command.

Rebel. Revolt. This is your innate being.

I’m caught between two worlds. Angels and demons, right and left, whisper their secrets about my life I don’t even know.

You’re designed to explore.
Your current life is beautiful.
Stay.
Go.
Stuck.
Free.

All the time a stoich presence tightens on my face. No one knows my internal being, no one knows that I’m constantly on the brink of revolution. The silent aura hides the balance of chaos and peace that streams through my blood.
To be unattached, a place where I no longer connect. I feel my strings getting tighter, strained when attached to this daily eternity.

*…tap, tap, tap, tap…*

The consistency overshadows the brewing plot, and hidden images hide the inner workings of a torn field…stuck in balance of warring realms.

-D-