XXXI: Every Step I Take


Every step I take,
I take in you,
You make move Jesus
Every breath I breathe,
I breathe in you,

The simple lines reverberate back memories of mission trips, summer camps, and when life was overall easier. Less facial hair, less stress, and an overall appreciation for simplicity…without even knowing it at the time. Even last night at my parents house I found a 31 page paper that I had typed out of spite towards one of my professors. Reading over the text I was humored at how naive I was at the time (and also how my grammar could be relatable to my sixth grade students). Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: 93% Cacao


Ehhh…
I’m currently listening to a pastor compare the Kansas City Royals to the royalty of Christ.
*sigh*
Sorry, just feels like a gimmick. Non-intentional I’m sure, but my evil college theology roots are brewing this morning. I’m obviously not that creative, hence why I’m rather bitter about the strange comparison.
That and the fact that I truly despise how our culture revolves around athletics and not other identity of a culture.
I’m obviously lacking patience due to my lack of coffee. I can see the comparison, I understand the points, but I must be becoming old and weathered because it just seems cliche (having half the church body demonstrating their allegiance by wearing “vintage” Royals also is…well…meh).
Perhaps I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I’m overwhelmingly lacking the enjoyment, the sweetness of life. I’m merely dealing with internal bitters that seem to have filtered into the blood stream (why does no one ever refer to a ‘soul stream’).

Life is hard, marriage takes work, and patience is always lacking. Runs don’t move as smoothly, and the fridge tends to be empty (or worse, requiring actual cooking).

image

Le...meh

People wear me out, and cyberspace is inviting. I could get lost in zero’s and one’s and be at peace. However, as tempting as that utopia seems, I still know it isn’t where my life should exist, and no, I don’t always enjoy acknowledging that truth.

Today, I’m merely like dark chocolate. The 93% dark chocolate, there is nothing sweet, it’s just bitter, but in some ways dealing with that bitterness can equal added health benefits.

I acknowledge my lack of patience, bitterness, and overall anger today (no breakfast aids to that). I’m not in a good mood, and it is hard to handle. It requires so much humility, so much embarrassment in order to flush the system. In the end it’ll take a nice long run tonight to cool off and wear down.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Hades Hump Day


It’s been that  day.

Between learning last night that once again Darco’s car is in need of repairs (I can’t underline enough how much I HATE Pontiac vehicles), and being out of Almond Milk (AGAIN!), last night kind of preempted the version of day I was destined for today. By the way, learning that we were out of Almond Milk was after I took the thirty minute side trip after work to gather other ingredients for the smoothies, including a new protein powder that is a tasteful blend of grass and sand.

Cat is heading to the vet this afternoon (AGAIN!) for acting stranger than usual*.
No Almond Milk means no smoothies this morning for breakfast. This equals Dunkin Donuts for a quick sandwich. A twenty minute line outside…a twenty minute line inside due to a 16 year old discovering their first job.
Money Orders: How hard is it to locate place that makes money orders? I knew the Post Office did, but only if you have cash or debit with you (I always forget my PIN so I use the credit option). This resulted in heading to the bank (adding extra time) to get a money order.
Why did I need the money order? Because the beloved town of Camden Point, Missouri [pause…waiting for you to find it] only allows money orders or cashier checks to pay for their speeding tickets.
Speeding tickets? Why yes! Last month is a completely illogical, unrealistic, and overall stupid sense of entitlement rent-a-cop went postal on me for not following his speed limit, not the practical limit that would be in place in many towns based off road conditions, size of road, and expectation of braking to the stop sign at safe speeds. It’s the first traffic ticket that I’ve ever wished to argue, but sadly…I didn’t have enough faith in myself to actually follow through with the bitterness.
Coffee in hand, check acquired, I spent an hour in the town of Camden Point, Missouri trying to locate their City Hall to drop off the citation. There’s only one catch I learned after talking to the local librarian…

…THIS TOWN DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CITY HALL! THEIR CITY CLERK WORKS FROM THEIR HOME NEARLY TWENTY MILES SOUTH OF THE TOWN…

…out of hostility I marched up to the Post Office (with no one there mind you) took the check, the ticket, and a piece of paper with the city clerks named scratched on it and stuck it together with a piece of tape [no envelope], and crammed it down the chute of the office for today’s pickup. If I get arrested tonight I’ll know it didn’t work (the city clerk did instruct me, over the phone, to go that direction).

Through the chaos I finally reached work at 12:00 PM. I missed the first World Cup match for the morning for a client, and I learned that have of my lunch was in a frozen block of ice.

This doesn’t even include a phone call about student loans…

 Is that enough “First World Problems” for today?

-D-

*At this point the ‘dark one’ is jumping onto the top of the couch, ears back, taking a swipe at my backside, and hissing upon my entry into the apartment. No, this time that’s not normal.

XO: Questioning Leadership


There are just some things in life that take place of which nothing can compare you for. I guess I’m supposed to say that, that is ‘part of life’, but sometimes life makes no sense.

Sometimes family can be the catalyst, and recently that’s been a serious issue. By serious please know that I’m not talking about bickering, gossip, and the other trivial garbage that takes place within DNA strands, but serious problems.

Last year, the week that Darco and I got married, my mother-in-law was evicted from her home. Resulting in Darco, myself, MC, and Jim cleaning up a house that she vacated [and a cat she abandoned]. She moved up north with family, and I had assumed that, that was how life was going to move. This, of course, was after she wound in the hospital last February due to not being able to move CO2 out of her body at a quick enough pace. Understand that Darco is her only daughter, and the only family member that’ll stick their neck for her.

thought this was the pattern life would be in, and we could focus on each other and move forward. Until earlier this week, along with all the stupid stuff I spoke of earlier, I received a distraught phone call from my wife. She explained to me that my mother-in-law had been kicked out of the house she was staying in, and was now planning on living in her Jeep in the city.

I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.

This individual is diabetic, and also needs a breathing machine at night. She can’t stay with us because she can’t physically get up all of our stairs. We learned yesterday that she’d been lying about where her disability checks were going [to a random scam artist via Facebook]. My wife is a complete disaster; I mean an emotional mess, it’s sickening and saddening. As the husband, as the leader of the household…I have no idea what to do.

Unfortunately I come from a position where there’s little sympathy for people who purposefully make these decisions, and refuse to be assisted by anyone else. It’s along the lines of someone standing on the side of the highway with a sign reading, “anything helps”; I’ve witnessed people offer to buy food, a meal, etc…but many just want money. This is a terrible example of the same thing that’s going on with our family.

As you could imagine; the level of stress from this constant drama is unbelievable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m supposed to lead, and I’m clueless. We’re not made of money, and we’re barely making it on our own at this point. I’ve been in a position without a life [see page one], I’ve stolen food from motels for meals before, but I tried my hardest to get back on my feet and I was in my early twenties; not my late forties.

It’s also frustrating to see this take place leading up to Mother’s Day. I’ve seen my wife get lied to over, and over, and over again by the same person. She has a heart for people that few, if any, will ever be able to reach in size. Because of that, every time her eyes are opened to the truth, her heart is broken all over again. I’m supposed to protect her from that, but does mean I protect her from her own mother? I don’t know the answer. I know that I’ve had to deal with anger and bitterness as of late because I hate seeing people take advantage of others, but I’m not sure where I’m supposed to step in. What’s my position? What’s my authority? Any? I don’t know.

I know that as always, though not always my favorite, prayer is the best tool we have. In times like this, it’s about the only tool we have.

I confess: I’m growing weary of life’s struggles.

-D-

XO: Vengeance


Alright, time for you to get ‘the list’ out. Yes, the list that no Christian ever possesses; the list of severity of a sin based on what the sin is. You know what I’m talking about.

Tonight, for sake of honesty, I’m getting mine out. My hidden list that completely goes against the concept of what Christianity teaches. Why? Because I’m one very messed up human who has some serious grudge issues.

My number one sin; the top of the top is…

REVENGE

Why? Because I’m full of it. This burning, lustful desire to ensure that none of the people that have turned their backs on me gets to vanish without knowing exactly who I am, and that they were completely wrong on who I was. It also reaches out to those who have hurt me, damaged trust, used me, or just plain left me to rot.

It’s incredible the unique description of this list; it includes at least three ‘men of God’ [preachers], and all sorts of other individuals. Is this list wrong? YES! INSANELY YES! However, painfully, it’s a burden that I bare, and a curse that I live with.

The horrible reality is that they’re all right.

I didn’t rise above. I didn’t become someone great. I didn’t become the humanitarian, and I failed a ‘missionary’. I’m a ruined, tainted Christian due to a Baptist-style divorce, and I’ve now successfully watched two church bodies lose pastors for absolutely insane, selfish reasons. I feel like again, I’ve completely failed my wife, and that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror…I’ve gained that much weight. I wake up in the morning and I find myself apologizing in the shower. Telling God I’m sorry for being a mistake, I’m sorry for damaging so many plans, and tarnishing His kingdom. I can’t even express in words how much, as of late, I honestly feel like a failure.

My outlet is reverting back to stupid mindsets of uncontrollable anger, frustration, and sorrow. A student today said that I sound like I’m a loner, and unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. Most importantly I feel terrible for Darco, I have this undying fear that I’ve caused so much regret for her. That I’m never happy and it destroys her; even though it has nothing to do with her.

The harsh reality is that I can’t make anyone happy, I can’t do anything right, and I’m a joke of a Christian.

Sounds pretty pitiful right?

That’s because it is.

I would be a liar if I told you life was perfect, easy, and full of happiness. It’s hard, it’s dark, and it’s full of disappointment. Much of this is brought upon myself, and I have no excuse. I accept these realities, and openly choose not to pin anyone else for them.

I don’t understand God’s plan, I have no idea what to do, and I’m in a 24/7 state of confusion. These are all truths. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m not praying for a ‘bright light’. I’m merely asking for peace for me and mine, and constant persuasion to hold onto hope. It feels like I’m slipping, that anger that I’ve worked on monitoring for years is flaring back up, and I don’t want my plague to affect anyone else.

I know God is here, I understand that He loves and forgives, but I also understand when anyone makes the statement starting with:

But God could never use someone like me…

-D-