Mobile Minutes: Hades Hump Day


It’s been that  day.

Between learning last night that once again Darco’s car is in need of repairs (I can’t underline enough how much I HATE Pontiac vehicles), and being out of Almond Milk (AGAIN!), last night kind of preempted the version of day I was destined for today. By the way, learning that we were out of Almond Milk was after I took the thirty minute side trip after work to gather other ingredients for the smoothies, including a new protein powder that is a tasteful blend of grass and sand.

Cat is heading to the vet this afternoon (AGAIN!) for acting stranger than usual*.
No Almond Milk means no smoothies this morning for breakfast. This equals Dunkin Donuts for a quick sandwich. A twenty minute line outside…a twenty minute line inside due to a 16 year old discovering their first job.
Money Orders: How hard is it to locate place that makes money orders? I knew the Post Office did, but only if you have cash or debit with you (I always forget my PIN so I use the credit option). This resulted in heading to the bank (adding extra time) to get a money order.
Why did I need the money order? Because the beloved town of Camden Point, Missouri [pause...waiting for you to find it] only allows money orders or cashier checks to pay for their speeding tickets.
Speeding tickets? Why yes! Last month is a completely illogical, unrealistic, and overall stupid sense of entitlement rent-a-cop went postal on me for not following his speed limit, not the practical limit that would be in place in many towns based off road conditions, size of road, and expectation of braking to the stop sign at safe speeds. It’s the first traffic ticket that I’ve ever wished to argue, but sadly…I didn’t have enough faith in myself to actually follow through with the bitterness.
Coffee in hand, check acquired, I spent an hour in the town of Camden Point, Missouri trying to locate their City Hall to drop off the citation. There’s only one catch I learned after talking to the local librarian…

…THIS TOWN DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CITY HALL! THEIR CITY CLERK WORKS FROM THEIR HOME NEARLY TWENTY MILES SOUTH OF THE TOWN…

…out of hostility I marched up to the Post Office (with no one there mind you) took the check, the ticket, and a piece of paper with the city clerks named scratched on it and stuck it together with a piece of tape [no envelope], and crammed it down the chute of the office for today’s pickup. If I get arrested tonight I’ll know it didn’t work (the city clerk did instruct me, over the phone, to go that direction).

Through the chaos I finally reached work at 12:00 PM. I missed the first World Cup match for the morning for a client, and I learned that have of my lunch was in a frozen block of ice.

This doesn’t even include a phone call about student loans…

 Is that enough “First World Problems” for today?

-D-

*At this point the ‘dark one’ is jumping onto the top of the couch, ears back, taking a swipe at my backside, and hissing upon my entry into the apartment. No, this time that’s not normal.

XO: Questioning Leadership


There are just some things in life that take place of which nothing can compare you for. I guess I’m supposed to say that, that is ‘part of life’, but sometimes life makes no sense.

Sometimes family can be the catalyst, and recently that’s been a serious issue. By serious please know that I’m not talking about bickering, gossip, and the other trivial garbage that takes place within DNA strands, but serious problems.

Last year, the week that Darco and I got married, my mother-in-law was evicted from her home. Resulting in Darco, myself, MC, and Jim cleaning up a house that she vacated [and a cat she abandoned]. She moved up north with family, and I had assumed that, that was how life was going to move. This, of course, was after she wound in the hospital last February due to not being able to move CO2 out of her body at a quick enough pace. Understand that Darco is her only daughter, and the only family member that’ll stick their neck for her.

thought this was the pattern life would be in, and we could focus on each other and move forward. Until earlier this week, along with all the stupid stuff I spoke of earlier, I received a distraught phone call from my wife. She explained to me that my mother-in-law had been kicked out of the house she was staying in, and was now planning on living in her Jeep in the city.

I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.

This individual is diabetic, and also needs a breathing machine at night. She can’t stay with us because she can’t physically get up all of our stairs. We learned yesterday that she’d been lying about where her disability checks were going [to a random scam artist via Facebook]. My wife is a complete disaster; I mean an emotional mess, it’s sickening and saddening. As the husband, as the leader of the household…I have no idea what to do.

Unfortunately I come from a position where there’s little sympathy for people who purposefully make these decisions, and refuse to be assisted by anyone else. It’s along the lines of someone standing on the side of the highway with a sign reading, “anything helps”; I’ve witnessed people offer to buy food, a meal, etc…but many just want money. This is a terrible example of the same thing that’s going on with our family.

As you could imagine; the level of stress from this constant drama is unbelievable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m supposed to lead, and I’m clueless. We’re not made of money, and we’re barely making it on our own at this point. I’ve been in a position without a life [see page one], I’ve stolen food from motels for meals before, but I tried my hardest to get back on my feet and I was in my early twenties; not my late forties.

It’s also frustrating to see this take place leading up to Mother’s Day. I’ve seen my wife get lied to over, and over, and over again by the same person. She has a heart for people that few, if any, will ever be able to reach in size. Because of that, every time her eyes are opened to the truth, her heart is broken all over again. I’m supposed to protect her from that, but does mean I protect her from her own mother? I don’t know the answer. I know that I’ve had to deal with anger and bitterness as of late because I hate seeing people take advantage of others, but I’m not sure where I’m supposed to step in. What’s my position? What’s my authority? Any? I don’t know.

I know that as always, though not always my favorite, prayer is the best tool we have. In times like this, it’s about the only tool we have.

I confess: I’m growing weary of life’s struggles.

-D-

XO: Vengeance


Alright, time for you to get ‘the list’ out. Yes, the list that no Christian ever possesses; the list of severity of a sin based on what the sin is. You know what I’m talking about.

Tonight, for sake of honesty, I’m getting mine out. My hidden list that completely goes against the concept of what Christianity teaches. Why? Because I’m one very messed up human who has some serious grudge issues.

My number one sin; the top of the top is…

REVENGE

Why? Because I’m full of it. This burning, lustful desire to ensure that none of the people that have turned their backs on me gets to vanish without knowing exactly who I am, and that they were completely wrong on who I was. It also reaches out to those who have hurt me, damaged trust, used me, or just plain left me to rot.

It’s incredible the unique description of this list; it includes at least three ‘men of God’ [preachers], and all sorts of other individuals. Is this list wrong? YES! INSANELY YES! However, painfully, it’s a burden that I bare, and a curse that I live with.

The horrible reality is that they’re all right.

I didn’t rise above. I didn’t become someone great. I didn’t become the humanitarian, and I failed a ‘missionary’. I’m a ruined, tainted Christian due to a Baptist-style divorce, and I’ve now successfully watched two church bodies lose pastors for absolutely insane, selfish reasons. I feel like again, I’ve completely failed my wife, and that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror…I’ve gained that much weight. I wake up in the morning and I find myself apologizing in the shower. Telling God I’m sorry for being a mistake, I’m sorry for damaging so many plans, and tarnishing His kingdom. I can’t even express in words how much, as of late, I honestly feel like a failure.

My outlet is reverting back to stupid mindsets of uncontrollable anger, frustration, and sorrow. A student today said that I sound like I’m a loner, and unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. Most importantly I feel terrible for Darco, I have this undying fear that I’ve caused so much regret for her. That I’m never happy and it destroys her; even though it has nothing to do with her.

The harsh reality is that I can’t make anyone happy, I can’t do anything right, and I’m a joke of a Christian.

Sounds pretty pitiful right?

That’s because it is.

I would be a liar if I told you life was perfect, easy, and full of happiness. It’s hard, it’s dark, and it’s full of disappointment. Much of this is brought upon myself, and I have no excuse. I accept these realities, and openly choose not to pin anyone else for them.

I don’t understand God’s plan, I have no idea what to do, and I’m in a 24/7 state of confusion. These are all truths. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m not praying for a ‘bright light’. I’m merely asking for peace for me and mine, and constant persuasion to hold onto hope. It feels like I’m slipping, that anger that I’ve worked on monitoring for years is flaring back up, and I don’t want my plague to affect anyone else.

I know God is here, I understand that He loves and forgives, but I also understand when anyone makes the statement starting with:

But God could never use someone like me…

-D-

O: Unspeakable


I’m just in awe.

I mean…mind being blown doesn’t even describe.

I’ve been searching for words for this post most of the day. The home opener for the Kansas City Shock is May 25th, 2013 at Kansas City Kansas Community College. There have been several bumps along the way, especially as of late, but in the past week…God is just doing something…amazing. Something only He can do. The nice part about my life is being able to sit back and knowingly not be able to take credit for what is taking place. From sponsors, to airfare for players, to practice fields, to things that I never even dreamed up…this week has been incredible. Unbelievable I even had someone tell me, “We’d like to work with you, because we believe God is doing great things in your program.” I mean…wow…mission field? Found!

As I stare out the window this evening, watching the lightning flash all around it is the most comforting feeling in the world to know you’re exactly where God wants you to be. There’s no denying, no describing it, you just know…and it never gets old. I think God almost enjoys thinking, “Alright, he is waking up. What can I do today that’ll just blow him away?” I’m pretty sure that’s how He works, and He gets a kick out of it too.

The Kansas City Shock is rocking and it’s been a blast. Honestly, today was one of those days that I even forgot the concept of how or why this website was ever created. Unfortunately, that realization was short lived this evening. My girlfriend is known to wander throughout the Facebook world [no, none of us are safe], and had looked up my ex-wife. Now, due to the restraining order from a few years ago, I stay out of it and away from any of it. That, and really, I don’t care. However, as my girlfriend said tonight, “I was just curious on getting an idea of who you were before we met” [she's curious like that]. Repeatedly I had asked her to stay off my ex-wife’s Facebook page, but I quickly learned that if she wasn’t sharing information with me [that I didn't want to know], other people around me were doing so instead.

She beat everyone else to the punch tonight. There we were, heading to dinner after church, she had brought up the Facebook page. That turned into an argument, she left it alone, and then she started crying. Now, my girlfriend, as special as she is…is not a crier. That’s not her style, so this had me confused.

She had a seizure. I just feel really, really bad for her.

That was the only phrase that could come out of her mouth while traveling down the interstate. My ex-wife’s mother has had a neurological disorder for some time, resulting in seizures and even a few strokes…at a very young age. I’m speculating, but it sounds as if that neurological issue has been passed down. My girlfriend went on to explain that it happened in the school lunchroom where she taught. From the education background, I can’t imagine how fearful that must have been for everyone.

The car was quite while I mulled over this information, trying to think about my reaction to this news, and that’s when I blurted it out:

I. Don’t. Care.

Harsh words, and sadly I meant them. I didn’t care. The anger and bitterness from years past came flaming back into life as I went on a small fit asking if she cared that I was homeless, if she cared that I was broke, broken, and worthless, if she cared that I was absolutely nothing. Frankly, they were the childish rants expected from a bitter individual [though not necessarily Christ-based]. We remained silent until pulling into IHOP. Hoping to drown the thoughts in the most awful tasting iced coffee I’ve ever had, my girlfriend and I talked about every other topic under the sun…myself trying to ignore the knowledge that I had gained in the past hour.

Finally, after the evening was over, working some business angels and watching the storm roll in; I just sat, quietly. Trying to understand my stance, my anger, and bitterness. How could I rationalize it? Why would I rationalize it? I have the right to be angry right? I have the right to harshly and unfairly think “that’s what you get”, right? With the falling rain I was remembered of the phrase that started it all.

Dare to be different. Shock the world.

If I allowed myself the pleasure of enjoying the heartfelt struggles of those who passed me by to my own demise, how is that being different from our societies standards? How is that different from our cultural norms? It isn’t, and if it isn’t different from the standards of the world then it isn’t within the realm of what God expects from me as a loving, Christ-centered, individual. Jesus, no matter the person, would never act in such brash, boastful ways. What would dare make me think I was better then Christ?

I claim it as human pride, a serious error on my behalf, but I’m still upset about being hung out to dry. I’m upset with being abandoned and condemned. It’s a hard pill to swallow. However, that doesn’t allow me to view a hurting person in any different light then compassion that is expected.

So, though this information and these thoughts go in places that I’ll never understand; it’s worth noting that while I’m still conflicted with bitterness. My heart still aches for her, her family, and yes…her husband. I can’t imagine the fear, the heartache, and the unknown that they all must be encountering. I’m not sure if God counts it, but while I still struggle, somewhere in the rolling thunder tonight I’m still praying for my ex-wife’s recovery and healing.

-D-

 

 

Mobile Minutes: 100 Pounds


I awoke with 100 pounds on my chest. I felt miserable. This overwhelming burden just felt as if it was crushing me as I started off the day.

I took a shower, and several deep breaths. There was just this sensation of guilt, rejection, and failure just looming over my head. I hadn’t had any nightmares, and I couldn’t think of any triggers that had put me in that position. I felt…cursed.

This was most definitely not a moment of moping, complaining, or feeling bad for myself. This was just full on, heartfelt pain. The realization that I was slipping; falling away. There’s been so much going on in my life that realistically spiritually I’m there, but not where I should be. Does that make sense?

I’m not as dependent on God as I should be; most literally with my problems. No matter the size I try to conquer them myself, or run away from them [I'm an expert at that]. Rarely do I confront and confess before God what’s really on my mind, what’s really bothering me. Sure, He knows what’s going on inside, but personally I find the true challenge lies on whether or not I’ll talk about it out loud in the apartment [yes, making me sound like a lunatic most mornings]. Today, I swallowed my pride and just poured it out, for what felt likes hours of everything that’s been just eating at me [very little actually having to do with soccer]. Personally, it’s just been attitudes, temptations, and this daunting task of staying on the straight and narrow; and realizing that I cannot’ do it on my own.

I’m not saying I left for MoVal in high spirits; in fact even with coffee in hand I still wasn’t feel well by the time church started. It was during the sermon that the pieces started coming together; the preacher was talking about the notion of being a heretic. Claiming one thing, but doing another. Telling people that God controls your life, but still reserving certain parts of your life for just you…not God. Guess what? I fall into that category. There are several things that I’ve foolishly, repeatedly have tried to conquer on my own and reserved it just for me.

Absolute stupidity.

The rains falling tonight as I send this message out; a relaxing ending to a perplexing day in my mind. I’m trying, but even with me trying to do the right thing continually; I cannot get it down without Him.

-D-

O: Boiling Over


It finally happened.

I completely, stupidly, inexcusably lost my cool tonight.

I think I’ve stated before that for quite some time I’ve had to work on controlling my anger. As a youth I would lose my temper in a moments notice and would follow that by making horrible, poor choices on my reaction. Taking a toll on myself, and my faith.

Tonight feels like square one.

I said that this site would be open and honest; both positive and negative. I know lately that it seems more doom and gloom than anything else, but that’s because I can feel myself being worked over more and more these past few weeks. I’m struggling to stay faithful, to hold onto hope, and not be the stubborn Hebrew out in the desert.

My girlfriends mom heading to the hospital added some stress a while back. It would anyone; nothing like what my girlfriend experienced, but my job is to protect; there’s stress that comes with that. Additionally I got taken through the ringer by a relative of hers while I was at the hospital. I’m sure it started as good fun, but when they learned that I was divorced…it was humiliating. I felt absolutely worthless and dirty. It felt like a two year flash back and by the time it was done [my girlfriend removed me from the waiting room] I was shaking because I was so angry. No immediate reaction, but I was so angry. Angry at myself, the man who stated the harsh things, but primarily…I was just mad because the things stated had some truth to them.

The transmission went out in my company car while I was working. Causing my store list to get delayed; factor in not one, but two winter storms on top of that and I was working all the way to the end of the month. As the individual who doesn’t feel worthy of the job I have, it’s like stepping on pins as it is. Completely screwing up a month of evaluations because of the selfish time off I took starting in February…it’s humiliating and causes me for concern. I’m terrified of my boss, and I’d never want to make the company look bad. Between the car and the store list; I did some stupid damage, and I hate the sensation of disappointment. Such as, “Yep, that kid doesn’t have what it takes to be in this position.” It’s a daily fear of mine whether people believe it or not.

Sprinkle in the past three weeks at MoVal being about marriage, and how you should go about it in a Godly, Biblical way…it’s great. The entire three part sermon was amazing. Bluntly though, I walked out feeling disappointed in myself. Perhaps that’s a pride issue? I’m not sure, but the long lasting effects from a divorce, at least in this soul, has been troublesome. Talking about marriage, God, faith, and the mixture of the three in this perfect harmony of  ‘one flesh’ hurts simply because I damaged it. I didn’t follow through. I didn’t follow up with the promise my ex-wife and I made before family, friends, and God. I failed. Being reminded of that three weeks in a row; it really adds up.

Let’s go ahead and add the list of bills that continues to grow each month, the student loans that’ll take twenty years to pay back [at least], and making sure that I have enough for rent, electricity, food, gas [for meetings with my businesses when I'm not working with Subway], and that’s another stressful monster in itself.

Finally, soccer. There are things that I’ve posted in this site about being stressed that have brought about some scrutiny from people within our organization. The reality is; I’m stressed. I’m not stressed because I’m taking on too much. I’m stressed because I’m working around the clock to get things taken care of, looking good in the social media world [though some errors along those lines were made this month as well], and then trying to sleep with the notion that:

  • Some people in this world want you to fail. It’s a sad, harsh reality, but very true.
  • Some people have a hard time respecting you when you fail to lead, when you fail to follow through, and you fail to stand up for yourself.

As I said above, I’ve worked very hard these past two years, working on controlling my anger and not lashing out at anyone. I don’t believe that it is worth it. It’s a waste of energy to scream, yell, and attempt to look ‘macho’. It’s hard feeling like you’re under trial 24/7. Additionally, along the footy lines there are other things in the workings; they’re some very large projects that I’m excited about, but have taken some serious tolls. We’ve come across hurdle, after hurdle, after hurdle, and it isn’t easy ['no one said it would be', I know, I know] and that just piles on as well.

Also, as of two days ago; I’m sick. For the third time since December and that is a new record for me. My immune system is giving up, wearing out, and throwing in the towel. Now I’m just having to use the towel to blow my nose.

Much of this brings us to tonight. After a business meeting all day with Subway [including a CX debate with myself against my boss] I stopped in to get some coffee before heading home to crash, after I had spent a few hours talking to MC about…well…life.

First, a man who was very intoxicated came in. There are four girls working in the store, one of which was my girlfriend. So, I stayed in the store for an extra two hours. Later it was learned that he had been picked up by the city police after his two visits within the store. Uncomfortable to say the least…and stressful.

Secondly, and this is all on me. I want everyone to know that what I’m getting ready to say is 100% my fault, and no one else. There was a moment when an individual promptly parked at the front of the store, the passenger got out and went in to get some coffee. I made a rude comment about the individuals parking job [as the vehicle did ride onto the curb...for fun]. One way or another that message found its way to the driver. I know this because as I went out to get into the ‘gokart’ [name for the Mazda2 rental car] the vehicle came speeding by me sprayed me with slush, rocks, and snow and sped off into the parking lot.

I lost it.

Completely lost it.

I stormed back into the store, spoke very harshly about what had just happened and stormed out and went home [at the moment I would have rather chased the vehicle through the city].

I made a scene in the coffee shop.

I made a scene in front of my girlfriend.

I raised my voice.

My anger boiled over.

I yelled in the phone.

I yelled in the car.

I just yelled.

I’ve since apologized to my girlfriend, but it doesn’t take back the action that I’ve displayed. I don’t have an excuse, though I wish the paragraphs above could justify my need to exert such anger. Realistically though; they don’t. Life is rough, Satan is working on me hard…and tonight I failed.

The best thing I can say, and I’m getting some serious rest after this, is to those that I’ve directly and indirectly drove up the wall in recent weeks; from work, soccer, family, friends, and everyone else in between. I’m sorry.

I’m just sorry.

-D-