XXXI: Keeping Up


Wake up.

I have thirty minutes on the clock.
Grab my pants, where’s the shirt for today? Socks? Got ‘em.
Start the shower, will the water warm up any faster?
Wake up, let’s do this.
Don’t stand under the water, you’ll waste time.
Get dry. Remember pants and shirt on first, socks last, otherwise you’ll be tempted to stay seated on the bed.
Contacts? Those’ll be last, let’s get the water boiling. 5 tablespoons of coffee, cup is clean.
That cat has got to stop messing with my shoe strings while I’m trying to tie them.
Pour the water, set the timer for six minutes. Do I have my lunch ready? Where’s the bowl for breakfast?
Thank goodness that granola was made.
Grab the coat. Shut off the bedroom light. Section one cleared.
Contacts in. Shut the bathroom light. Section two cleared.
Coffee is ready. We need more sugar. Is that almond milk still good?
Bag? Check.
Coat? Check.
Keys? Check.
Phone? Check.
Cereal? Yep, with coffee.
House lights are turned off. Section three cleared.

Almost word-for-word these are the thoughts that stream through my mind Monday through Friday each week. It’s quite literally non-stop fun waking up and getting ready without running into any problems. That being said, by the time it is all said and done, Saturday is the first time that I decide to try to breathe. I’ll claim the card of just getting older, but this past week absolutely exhausted me and pushed me to a level of stress that I hadn’t witnessed in some time. It was a blend of work related stuff, and stuff outside of work. I added to my load this week by starting a college course through the University of Phoenix. It’s my first class that could be counted as a Master’s level class, but so far it hasn’t proven to be much more than reading and discussing theories of classroom organization. That shouldn’t come as much of a shock, but I’m still happy that I’m able to take the class (and thanks to Darco’s job, we were able to pay for it upfront in full). The passing completion of that class will result in my teaching license being reinstated, something that I can wholeheartedly say I’m dying to achieve. Even without an actual classroom, I feel so inadequate roaming the halls of the school being asked by students if I’m something that I’m not. The downside of course is the additional amount of time being consumed to ensure that I do complete the class…correctly.

From there, there’s an added element of my body. While I am losing weight (again), my legs aren’t doing everything that I’d like them to be doing. Most notably problems in my knees and still in my Achilles. I’m praying for an opportunity to try a spine and joint center in the city that specializes in working with runners. If it’s not my shoes that are causing this, I’ll be very curious as to what they end up finding. I’m still running and training, but my workload on my feet is very, very light. It’s not worth making problems worse just because I’m stubborn.

Outside of work and running is church (not always in that order). Darco and I continue to spend time at a ‘home church’ on Thursday nights, soon to be changing to Sunday nights, and personally it isn’t easy. There are so many things I’ve developed horrible habits of being uncomfortable with and they’re all coming out at once. I’m not keen on physical touch, aside from Darco, from anyone. I still struggle working with very small children, and pregnancy still makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is just honesty coming out, not acknowledging that any of it is necessarily bad. I suppose the reality is that I need to grow up and be like everyone else. Eventually I have to accept the idea of the same job for 20+ years, I have to accept the average family size, the mortgages, and everything that comes along with it. Truthfully, I’m still denying it as if it were some form of plague. Perhaps it’s just the sinful nature of my soul, but I still have zero desire to follow through with all this notions that people point out as joyful and wonderful. I suppose I’m still selfish, but there isn’t even a stirring in my soul of, “Oh, this will be so fun.” I’m still thinking of running, work, and honestly…just being married.

Fear. I’ve been trying to fully comprehend and handle fear. Understand the death, destruction, second coming, and everything in between doesn’t bother me. There really is very little out there in this world that I fear. I’ve just about failed at everything I’ve been a part of, so the world isn’t nearly as scary now. With that said, there’s still one thing that burns in my heart as an absolute terror. I’m terrified that my wife will leave me. I’m scared that one disagreement, one argument, one forgotten date, failed objective (cooking, cleaning, etc…) will result in her packing up and never returning. Does Darco ever act like that? Absolutely not, but when dealing with stress from the week, it just eats at me. I think back to false promises, storybook thoughts, and tragic endings. My mind reverts back to a time of chaos and isolation. Thunderstorms, softball, and crying myself to sleep. I still remember it all like a permanent scar. Darco knows this, and she always reminds me that it’ll never happen. Frankly, I don’t see how people can be divorced, be left, and then just play it off as if nothing tragic happened in their life. It’s my fear, my terror, it’s what keeps me up at night. If I’m not perfect, if I don’t fix every problem, my wife will leave me. If I screw up the financials and miss a bill, my wife will leave me. If I get onto her about sleeping too long, or something along those lines, my wife will leave me. I’ve concluded, through the stupidity in my head, that this will forever be the curse that I’ll have to live with.

There’s a lot on my plate in the mornings, several thoughts streaming through my mind. The weeks are long, but most of the time they’re fun, I just wish I was a better person.

-D-

#getyourpraiseon


Are you the runner? The fast one that my son told me about? You are! I’ll keep praying for you.

These were the words of a random woman in our church this morning. It’s the first time someone has picked me out of the crowd as “the runner”, and held expectations for me to do great.

That’s the pressure I love.

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-D-

XXXI: Recent Recap


Still trying to wake up…
Nasty stomach ache from eating fried squid kept me up this morning. Seems to be the theme of the week. Rarely have I awoken during the night, it’s been a tiring week. Since we’ve been swamped with things this week, I thought I’d drop a brief recap.
Life is pretty fun. Darco loves her new job, and I’m excited to actually, finally be a part of a school building. We’re commuting every day. She has the midweek off, and I have Saturday & Sunday off.
We’ve made financial sheets to assist the household, started making more meals from home, and are trying to be more physically active.
Bible study on Thursday is a nice, fresh breather in the week, and we continue to crave that interaction. Darco is teaching a Sunday School class on Sunday’s, and I’m working on a new project (for fun). Routine Monday through Friday is about our only chance for survival, that’s only half humorous.
Slowly, but surely, we’re getting bills caught up. Objective is to be 100% in the black by the time we move next May.
Our friends at the Boston Breakers (professional women’s soccer) are back at it, and after a year away from the insanity, Darco and I are pumped about supporting the Breakers from the Midwest.
I’m still trying to find time to run, and not break myself. I finally scheduled an appointment with an orthopedic sports doctor due to the ongoing issues with my Achilles (from April). It’s very discouraging as I would love to be able run without that nagging injury. Perhaps this winter will be a perfect time to rehab and recover. My big goal is to compete (and win) a mile race on July 4, 2015 in Flagstaff, Arizona. We’ll see how well that pans out.
Life is busy and life is good. I feel like I’m an official adult, and Darco and I are an official young couple. I suppose in a lot of ways I wouldn’t want it any other way, and it’s nice to wake up knowing you’re following God’s desired path.
-D-

Mobile Minutes: Passing By


There’s a couch in the front of the church that Darco and I attend. It’s grey, themed with the carpet and accented by the red chairs.

Darco is teaching Sunday School, 5 year olds to be precise, the atrium is filled with football scores and school scandals…some things just can’t be ignored.

I am an alien, a foreigner to this place. I do not exist in this realm, spinning webs of a world that I do not partake in. It’s about contests and competitions, winning, losing, and finding truth between the lies. As the sojourner I merely observe, finding struggles of integration. Perhaps I’m in need of rehabilitation, finding ways to operate within this space.

Instead, it only takes one, two individuals to speak with a forced sense of communication for me to relocate back to reality. Listening to their fears, concerns, and their heart reminds me that I’m human after all.

These are my Sunday mornings.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Recap


Here’s a bit of a breakdown for the last month for you who are just now turning in:
-Was informed my services were no longer required at my place of employment (awkward)
-I started back as a substitute teacher in the same district I was working in this time last year, including a specific building that broke my heart to leave
-Darco was promoted in Starbucks, and will likely be transferred to the northern part of the city south of us
-Our lease is up in November on our apartment
-We’ve been meeting with a few families on Thursday evenings, praying and plotting a church plant in the same area as…

image

Not my photo, but the neighborhood meeting near the hopeful new church plant today was great!

…Darco is likely to transfer for work
…the school district I’m currently substitute teaching in
…we’re hoping to relocate to at the time that our lease is up

-D-