Mobile Minutes: #Sike15 Part I


What do you hope to get out of this week?

Those were the words, three hours in, that I heard being asked in my direction. Heading to far, south Missouri what was my intent? My purpose?

Riding with a member from our house church group, I tried my best to swallow my pride and be honest.

I want to find my love again.

It was the first time to anyone in our group that I had openly spoken about my divorce. It’s this hidden guilt that I don’t want to acknowledge for fear of being rejected, but in the moment of this question it was needed. I spoke of my love for mission work, it’s the one thing within the church that I’ve always enjoyed. Because it was so close to my heart, it’s what took the biggest hit when I became divorced. I was convinced that I was on the disabled list for good. “God can’t use blemishes to do cool stuff like missions…”, I’d mumble to myself.

image

There's fans! And air conditioning in our dorm!

My personal prayer is that humility during this mission trip, with this close group, can heal…spiritually…in an area that I 100% desire to be back alive. It’s a short, calm, safe trip so the environment is ideal. My hope is that as time progresses I can work up to where I once was.

You just watch, Darco isn’t afraid of international travel.

-D-

XXXI: Scarlet


i’d make the rough assumption that many protestant churches, at least once a year, cover the topic of adultery; as illustrated throughout the Bible. Namely, most notable in the Old Testament with the Ten Commandments, and along with the ammunition that is frequently utilized (and used for overkill) when tackling divorce, homosexuality, and everything else that a church member isn’t “guilty” of out the New Testament.

Am I close?

Pardon the rough tongue-in-cheek exasperation of thought, but last Sunday our church also did our yearly uncomfortable deed of covering the same topic. I knew it was coming, and I had hoped that something would come up that Sunday that would prevent me from arriving at church during the sermon. I’m only being honest with thought. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: On Its Way


I still remember the time like it was a ‘flashbulb memory’…

Alone, around 3:30 AM, I sat in the office inside the underground apartment that I had called home for nearly six months. I didn’t have a job, and throughout the night to combat the lacking of sleepiness (because I was doing nothing with my life), I would fill out teaching applications.

  1. Log on to the site that had all school teaching positions open
  2. Locate schools that were looking for social studies teachers
  3. Access their website
  4. Print off their application
  5. Start typing

I lost count at 92 applications. My wife had already given up on me teaching, I had started to work at Subway, and every-so-often I would go and substitute teach at a local school. I’d hear teachers comment on openings, wondering if I was applying, and it was the same dog-and-pony trick every week.

It wears on an individual to want to teach, but to never be qualified for a school. By qualified I mean that I didn’t know the right people. I’d given up on coaching, my own room, stability, all of it…and that was before the divorce.

I only paint this rather strange picture, because five years later in my living room I clicked “submit” all over again. Now, Facebook is an IPO, Twitter exists, and my phone can easily replace a desktop computer. Even stranger, I didn’t just send in an application off a whim, I was ‘encouraged’ by individuals at school today to follow the protocol and submit an application.

Yes, you read that correctly, after two and a half years I just submitted an official application to teach in the school I’ve been in and out of for the past several semesters.

I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m so excited.

Praying that this one will be right…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Disturbed Scars


Ever have a scar that begins to ache (weather change, too cold, etc…)?

Tonight I was digitally encouraged by Darco to begin a daily devotion (seven days) on marriage and commitment.

“No big deal”, I thought as I accessed the piece. First came scripture talking about one man and one woman equalling one flesh together.

“I got this”, I thought as I cruised through the plan. I accidentally got our of the application on my phone, so without thought I started digging for the plan again. When I had landed on the right page I saw a plan above the one I was working on…

Marriage: Infidelity Crisis

That’s all it took.

I logged out as fast as I could.

My mind was smacked with memories and moments from four years ago, nearly to the date when my wife-at-the-time attempted to go to marital counseling without informing me. I still remember the shaking legs, elevated heartbeat, wanting to be at my parents house while realizing I was trapped at her family’s house. I remember my brain being fuzzy, ears ringing, and a lump in my throat.

All of that, rushing back, from a stupid title.

My scars still ache.

-D-

XXXI: Keeping Up


Wake up.

I have thirty minutes on the clock.
Grab my pants, where’s the shirt for today? Socks? Got ’em.
Start the shower, will the water warm up any faster?
Wake up, let’s do this.
Don’t stand under the water, you’ll waste time.
Get dry. Remember pants and shirt on first, socks last, otherwise you’ll be tempted to stay seated on the bed.
Contacts? Those’ll be last, let’s get the water boiling. 5 tablespoons of coffee, cup is clean.
That cat has got to stop messing with my shoe strings while I’m trying to tie them.
Pour the water, set the timer for six minutes. Do I have my lunch ready? Where’s the bowl for breakfast?
Thank goodness that granola was made.
Grab the coat. Shut off the bedroom light. Section one cleared.
Contacts in. Shut the bathroom light. Section two cleared.
Coffee is ready. We need more sugar. Is that almond milk still good?
Bag? Check.
Coat? Check.
Keys? Check.
Phone? Check.
Cereal? Yep, with coffee.
House lights are turned off. Section three cleared.

Almost word-for-word these are the thoughts that stream through my mind Monday through Friday each week. It’s quite literally non-stop fun waking up and getting ready without running into any problems. That being said, by the time it is all said and done, Saturday is the first time that I decide to try to breathe. I’ll claim the card of just getting older, but this past week absolutely exhausted me and pushed me to a level of stress that I hadn’t witnessed in some time. It was a blend of work related stuff, and stuff outside of work. I added to my load this week by starting a college course through the University of Phoenix. It’s my first class that could be counted as a Master’s level class, but so far it hasn’t proven to be much more than reading and discussing theories of classroom organization. That shouldn’t come as much of a shock, but I’m still happy that I’m able to take the class (and thanks to Darco’s job, we were able to pay for it upfront in full). The passing completion of that class will result in my teaching license being reinstated, something that I can wholeheartedly say I’m dying to achieve. Even without an actual classroom, I feel so inadequate roaming the halls of the school being asked by students if I’m something that I’m not. The downside of course is the additional amount of time being consumed to ensure that I do complete the class…correctly.

From there, there’s an added element of my body. While I am losing weight (again), my legs aren’t doing everything that I’d like them to be doing. Most notably problems in my knees and still in my Achilles. I’m praying for an opportunity to try a spine and joint center in the city that specializes in working with runners. If it’s not my shoes that are causing this, I’ll be very curious as to what they end up finding. I’m still running and training, but my workload on my feet is very, very light. It’s not worth making problems worse just because I’m stubborn.

Outside of work and running is church (not always in that order). Darco and I continue to spend time at a ‘home church’ on Thursday nights, soon to be changing to Sunday nights, and personally it isn’t easy. There are so many things I’ve developed horrible habits of being uncomfortable with and they’re all coming out at once. I’m not keen on physical touch, aside from Darco, from anyone. I still struggle working with very small children, and pregnancy still makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is just honesty coming out, not acknowledging that any of it is necessarily bad. I suppose the reality is that I need to grow up and be like everyone else. Eventually I have to accept the idea of the same job for 20+ years, I have to accept the average family size, the mortgages, and everything that comes along with it. Truthfully, I’m still denying it as if it were some form of plague. Perhaps it’s just the sinful nature of my soul, but I still have zero desire to follow through with all this notions that people point out as joyful and wonderful. I suppose I’m still selfish, but there isn’t even a stirring in my soul of, “Oh, this will be so fun.” I’m still thinking of running, work, and honestly…just being married.

Fear. I’ve been trying to fully comprehend and handle fear. Understand the death, destruction, second coming, and everything in between doesn’t bother me. There really is very little out there in this world that I fear. I’ve just about failed at everything I’ve been a part of, so the world isn’t nearly as scary now. With that said, there’s still one thing that burns in my heart as an absolute terror. I’m terrified that my wife will leave me. I’m scared that one disagreement, one argument, one forgotten date, failed objective (cooking, cleaning, etc…) will result in her packing up and never returning. Does Darco ever act like that? Absolutely not, but when dealing with stress from the week, it just eats at me. I think back to false promises, storybook thoughts, and tragic endings. My mind reverts back to a time of chaos and isolation. Thunderstorms, softball, and crying myself to sleep. I still remember it all like a permanent scar. Darco knows this, and she always reminds me that it’ll never happen. Frankly, I don’t see how people can be divorced, be left, and then just play it off as if nothing tragic happened in their life. It’s my fear, my terror, it’s what keeps me up at night. If I’m not perfect, if I don’t fix every problem, my wife will leave me. If I screw up the financials and miss a bill, my wife will leave me. If I get onto her about sleeping too long, or something along those lines, my wife will leave me. I’ve concluded, through the stupidity in my head, that this will forever be the curse that I’ll have to live with.

There’s a lot on my plate in the mornings, several thoughts streaming through my mind. The weeks are long, but most of the time they’re fun, I just wish I was a better person.

-D-