Tag Archives: fear

O: When You Tithe…


I’ve been waiting for this post…impatiently.

Disclaimer: All things typed here was done so with the approval via text message of our director of media.

Sometime ago I made a post about tithing at church, and how it drove me insane and openly admitted that I struggled with it. Nothing really has changed from that original position, aside from the churning in my soul of trying to do the right thing, humble myself, and tithe.

So, with stress building up, the account dwindling I decided last week (05/12/2013) that my first fruits were going on a check, to MoVal, and what would happen would be what happened.

Usually, along these lines that many modernist would suggest as ‘reckless’ I would image that everything financial would go wrong. However, the moment that I had placed that check in the passing plate, the unbelievable started. Along these lines, I’d like to show a correlation to a  mixed bag of goodies from what I learned yesterday at MoVal:

Monday (05/13/2013): After receiving a late night phone call from Customs in Atlanta, Georgia I was informed that our crazy patient player from Scotland would be delayed a day and not arrive until 05/14/2013. She had been held up because they couldn’t understand the idea of her playing for the Kansas City Shock and why she’d be in and out of the country so much as of late. Needless to say; she arrived in one piece [finally] on Tuesday.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Tuesday (05/14/2013): Aliesha arrived at the airport [on time], and Darco and I went to go meet her there. At the same time, Jim had posted on Facebook that the plant would be closing…for good. While the joy of having one of our internationals in place was great, my mind was instantly numbed with the a million questions of how to assist my family…and not having an answer.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Wednesday (05/15/2013}: I started my day in the gym with a morning run, which was awful, and started working on my schedule for the day; including several meetings with potential investors and other items that I still can speak on. While walking to the car from the gym I received an email from our head coach; she resigned along with the assistant coach. Noting family reasons, I wouldn’t object with the move, and granted them safe journey’s with their new adventures. The reality was; a week and a half away from the Kansas City Shock home opener and there was no coaching staff. I dialed all the Founders and explained the situation. The ladies had their first practice that night; of which I showed up at and broke the news to them. They were given the option to walk away if they’d like. Not. One. Player. Left. On my way out to the car I sent a text to a friend of mine in the soccer world and simply asked if the option presented itself, would they be interested in potentially being a candidate for the head coach position. A few seconds later I received, “Yes. We need to meet.” This eventful day was followed by a meeting with a potential investor that stretched to 1:00 AM on Thursday morning…an hour south of where I currently live.

First team meeting last week.

First team meeting last week.

Blessed are those in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Thursday (05/16/2013): I had been running around with all the events going on within the organization, and on the side note I was working on getting our Australian player into the United States as well. This was also involved in budgeting, financing, and international player travel. She had been crazy patient as well, and I kept pushing her back, and back, and back. Finally, the stage was set for her to get here. However, this also was the same day of a full staff meeting in Kansas City; which stretched to 11:00 PM and went over coaching options. Honesty, especially after Wednesday, it was a very stressful day. I went home worn out, somewhat defeated, and full of questions on how on earth this program was going to get off the ground.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Friday (05/17/2013): The Boston Breakers had come to town and wound up training on our home field [awesome stuff there]. The staff had unanimously agreed to offer the head coaching position to Wendy Louque. Interestingly Wendy had been my consultant and mentor on the soccer dynamics of Kansas City almost since the original creation of the program. Meaning, that in many instances she’s known our battles, struggles, and triumphs. Personally, she’s a nose to the grindstone Christian that’ll set you straight whether you like it or not. Factor in that she has a strong coaching reputation in the Kansas City area, along with being connected to several organizations throughout the region, she was a great find. Who would have thought it would have been someone that had been in the background of the program since Day 1? I was feeling optimistic, went to one of my stores to work that night, and then my phone started going off. Racheal, our Australian was stuck in the airport in Adelaide. I had made a rookie mistake, I booked her one way instead of round trip, blend that in with the visa waiver and that’s enough issues not to be allowed to board. Her mother and I worked tirelessly via Google+ to get the issue resolved, and with some amazing work by Qantas, things were set. However, it was enough for me to lose my appetite for dinner.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

Saturday (05/17/2013): I finally hit rock bottom. I was stressed at work, I was stressed running, I was stressed at my parents house that night. In the wee hours of the night I saw that I had phone calls from Australia…again. This time Racheal had been delayed in Sydney due to engine issues in the plane [good enough reason to be delayed]. My head was spinning; this week had been a wreck, I was a wreck, time was ticking down for our home opener, so many unknown questions and that didn’t even include my family. I just broke down Saturday night in my apartment. Just lost it. It was after that pity party that things started to make more sense. I had done something that was against my standard norm, I tithed. While it wasn’t the action of tithing that creates insanity, it was doing something that kept me from being stagnant that brought about issues. See, if you’re a stagnant Christian, the devil could care less about you. You’re not a threat, you’re lazy. However, if you do something that provokes spiritual growth in yourself and may align the Kingdom towards continued success…you better be ready because everything imaginable is probably going to be hurled at you…all at once.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Sunday (05/18/2013): A dinner with the players, they were introduced to their new coach [who many of them knew from the past], many small meetings, and plenty of food to go around. Racheal had made it through Customs, and through the storms, we were able to pick her up at 9:53 PM last night. Meaning she slept better, her mother slept better, Darco slept better, and I slept better. The rain washed away the past week, the storm brought with it a new passenger of our ongoing journey, and the new day, a Monday [of all things], further instills in me that this is the right direction.

One From Scotland

One From Scotland

One from Australia

One from Australia

 

Team meeting while introducing Wendy Louque.

Team meeting while introducing Wendy Louque.

How do I know? Because the persecution feels so good.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Archives


I got lost in the archive files from 2011 [though I should be asleep].

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book that required you to look away from the device to realize that it isn’t real?

I just witnessed that with my own personal history on this site.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Boston Part XII


Recovery.

As anyone would say when traveling; the first day back you’re just exhausted. I feel like my head has been in a steam room most of the day.

Somewhere in New Hampshire...or Vermont? I hadn't yet realized how far off I was...

Somewhere in New Hampshire…or Vermont? I hadn’t yet realized how far off I was…

When I landed at KCI I was greeted by my girlfriend and four news stations. Because the plane had over 30 local runners participating in the Boston Marathon everyone was looking for a quote. Unfortunately my wardrobe that I had picked out that morning was the same color scheme as the jackets from those in the marathon. After getting through the gate, I hugged my girlfriend, answered a few questions [clarifying clearly that I wasn't there] and moved out of the airport promptly. While this was going on the airline computer system for American Airlines had gone down as well, redirecting passengers to the same terminal we were in.

For once KCI was an absolute nightmare.

The cue of the snow on the mountains should have been the giveaway...given that Portland is a shipping town on the coast...

The cue of the snow on the mountains should have been the giveaway…given that Portland is a shipping town on the coast…

After an hour of running around we were finally out of the airport, I picked up my repaired Altima, worked on a store in Kansas City, and met some of the crew at Freebirds down south. Upon returning home that night up until this point everything has just been a whirlwind.

Turns out on US 302 that the hairpins are driven so much that the line int he middle of the road...yeah...not visible. That railing on the right keeps you from falling into the frigid river below. Fun times!

Turns out on US 302 that the hairpins are driven so much that the line int he middle of the road…yeah…not visible. That railing on the right keeps you from falling into the frigid river below. Fun times!

But, we move on. As goes with any trip I’ve got photos throughout this post from Monday’s random journey, and all sorts of random links that document the entire, eventful journey to Boston, Massachusetts [and back]:

Turns out coffee shops in Portland, Maine close at 7:00 PM EST during the week. Who knew? The good news though? The ocean never closes.

Turns out coffee shops in Portland, Maine close at 7:00 PM EST during the week. Who knew? The good news though? The ocean never closes.

Sadly, this journey will be memorable for far too many things. It was nice going into work today and being asked about the soccer match. Realistically, by the time I woke up today if it wasn’t the phone case I purchased this weekend, I’d almost forgotten why I was even in Boston. My poor girlfriend doesn’t even talk about the game, she only makes mention of me flying back. MC talked to me today on the phone, and just hinted at how nervous my girlfriend was about the airport [which thankfully was wonderfully amazing]. It’s a heavy heart that I left in Boston, to the city, but not the people. The people of Boston do not need heavy hearts sent their way; they’re stronger then that. Take every horror story you’ve heard about New York, Washington, and elsewhere along the coastline and never, ever compare it to the city of Boston, Massachusetts.

Even before the traumatic events on Monday, I was going to be sure to wrap up this whole adventure by speaking about the city dynamics, the atmosphere, and the overall culture of Boston; just from my perspective. I feel guilty knowing now what I do versus what I had grown up believing about “Bean Town”. The people are prideful, but not in an arrogant way, its in a way that shows you that they’ve worked hard for what they have. Meeting the Boston PD while at Dunkin Donuts was an example of that; everywhere I went the respect for the police in Boston was unreal [this was before the bombings mind you]. Sure, traffic is terrible, but people aren’t mean, they don’t yell at you; this was definitely not D.C. or LA for sure. It really felt like a close knit community of only 1.2 million people. Outside of the insane pricing for home ownership I definitely wouldn’t mind living in Boston [or Portland...my goodness].

In case anyone is ever curious…yes, I did finally get my lobster roll at Susan’s Fish-N-Chips in Portland, Maine [also got their 2 Fish Sandwiches for $2.50]…

Portland, Maine; while being much smaller then Boston is truly a hidden gem in the New England area. If you don’t know what you’re looking for you will miss Portland, I promise you. However, once you find it, even a few minutes in there will keep you from wanting to return from your original destination. The city overlooks a glass bay, from one side you find people and parks, and everything in between and on the other side you see the cityscape; nothing extremely large, but its beautiful. Modern decor blends with fishing stories and great food. The people are lively, active and engaging. I saw more people in bikes in Portland in one evening then I’ve counted back home in at least a month. It’s peaceful, remote, but large enough to find anything and everything you’d need [did I mention that they have a pretty decent lobster roll?]

...with tarter sauce...

…with tarter sauce…

-D-


O: Deut. 20:4


Fascinating how one direction of a thought, can turn into a whole different concept.

While writing this earlier post; I decided to use Deuteronomy 20:4 for a case in point. Then I started to reread the same passage; over and over and over and…over.

That’s when the hypocrite in me spoke up and said, “Pay attention to these words”. Anyone who is anyone deals with enemies; and for the sake of this post I do not mean the standard jerk next door, bully in the hallway, etc…I’m talking about stuff along the lines of real enemies:

Fear…doubt…all that stuff. The intangible things that we can’t necessarily put a finger on, but they plague our mind…often daily.

Those are enemies.

So, I’m reading this passage, a quick verse…noting the verses around it [for sake of context] and while I hate using cheesy, ‘Christian lingo’ this verse just unknowingly spoke to me.

For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.

Consider it…soothing for me. This notion that I have fear, doubt, and I worry about so much and there is this dude that sits around and says, “Seriously, son? Please.” He’s that cool, He’s that just, and man alive He’s just that…powerful.

Puts my problems in perspective quickly. So you know what I’m going to do?

Simply this:

I’m going to reread this flipping sweet verse, relax, and sit back and get ready to watch the fireworks…

Because oh man…are they coming.

-D-

 


Mobile Minutes: Ten Minutes


I’ve made a commitment to myself to be in bed no later than 12:00 AM each night during the work week.

It’s incredible how smooth of a day I had until ten minutes prior to midnight. It just goes to show you that the devil will do whatever he can to discourage you.

Sadly, I confess that I’m discouraged. You know when you work around the clock to build attention on something that you’re working on; something that’s going to be incredible and people just write you off?

Tonight, I’ve been written off…again.

While most times I’d just take it for what it is…this time it was close to home, it was in my backyard, and I’m just discouraged. I feel embarrassed and like a failure to the people around me because I wasn’t able to perform.

It’s 12:03 AM and not only am I still not in bed, I’m headed to bed with a heavy heart and a worn soul.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Startled


I’m not sure if I’m eating something weird, or running too late, or what the case may be, but in recent nights I’ve been rocking some horrible nightmares.

From kidnappings to armed conflict, it feels like I’ve dreamed it all. I try not to get lured into the trap of looking into dreams, but the lack of sleep from these startling moments at night is getting old.

-D-


O: Lost In Communication


It’s the weekend; as stated before, I’m working through the week, and that’s alright.

I’m just spending time lost in communication.

I’m still working on a “O” draft, but for now I just want to type a bit. I’m not tired, full of sleep, and have a wonderful evening planned with my girlfriend, MC, and Jim. however, the mind never stops, it’s a raging machine always looking for answers. My girlfriend, being ever-so-supportive is always telling me not to worry, don’t stress, “God will take care of it”, and I instantly notice how easy it is to preach to someone that God has it under control [not a shot at her, but in regards to myself] and yet when it comes time for you to show your faith, and let Him have control…it feels impossible.

We were eating breakfast at IHOP a few days ago, since everything else was closed in town due to the snow, and we were talking about stress, fears, and the unknown.

From the innocent, young adult side; the Kansas City Shock is one of the scariest things I’ve ever been a part of. It’s “faith 101″, you have to have it to survive. There is literally no guarantees with anything in this business; something is changing on a daily basis, and I’m always in fear of making the wrong move.

More notably I see what lies down the road, what’s “next” for our program and I know the requirements that need to be in place, but I’m not always sure how they’re going to come about. It’s a horrible, gut-wrenching feeling. Until you take a deep breath, step back, and watch some of the things that have transpired:

  • Didn’t get the home field we wanted; ended up wrapping up into a brand new facility instead
  • Hype? Not a ton, but being able to speak at entrepreneurship conferences in Kansas City can quickly change that
  • Not knowing how to enter the program into the league; the immediate fans changed all of that
  • The group of people within the city, and within the country that send messages of encouragement
  • The talented graphic design company that was created out of nothing, but whom I’ve known for my life during college and beyond
  • Immediate player issues, and when looking back it has become a filter process for the dynamics of the program
  • Getting the news press left and right? No, instead we’re tapping into the younger, up-and-coming journalists within our area

Most of that took place in a few days time span, and of course that’s only a tip of the iceberg.

This is where it becomes hard; you start to doubt, you fear you’re in the wrong direction, and then suddenly…out of nowhere, this presence takes over and shows you something that immediately just happened without you realizing. A nugget to just hold you over and keep you patient; like manna and quail.

I guess, even though I screw up, doubt, and don’t always rest easily; in the end I can only ask this…

…whom shall I fear?

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Archives


I restarted my Tumblr account today.

The Tumblr account was created with one sole purpose: to lose weight.

The account was a accountable tool I used starting back in January of 2011. At that point in my life I was unemployed and 275 pounds. I didn’t work out, I didn’t run, and I didn’t eat well. Realistically, we can just say that I was a mess.

However, I grew tired of it. My pants wouldn’t fit, my shirts were too tight in the wrong areas, and even taking self portraits with a webcam was painful. I had become that person that I said I had never become.

So, starting at the end of January I started a year long program of destroying the weight, and I’ll be honest; it worked. By fall of last year, well after a full year had passed; I was down to 225. For my frame that is an ideal weight.

Since fall I’ve packed on some pounds; moving, gym memberships, apartments, pizza, donuts, and traveling all add up over time.

My girlfriend noticed and encouraged me to get active again, and not lose track of my personal goals. That’s what started up Tumblr today.

The thing about digital devices that you leave over time and come back to can be the skeletons that still remain in them. My Tumblr account has over thirty pages to it; that’s a lot of information dating all of the way back to January of 2011.

I was still married.

Foolishly tonight I went through some archive files on the account; noting the journey that I’ve had [similar to this site]. However, the more I read the more fearful I became.

Let’s remove the Shock from the image for a moment.
Let’s remove the apartment, the job, and the future.
Get it all out of the way.

Sometimes when I talk to individuals, media, etc…I take a few moments to review the journey I’ve been on since 2011, it’s been a crazy one for sure. However, as unique as it is, it’s something I never, ever want to even come remotely close to reliving ever again.

I still get scared of repeating the past. I still fear losing everything…again. I’m terrified of messing up, screwing up, and letting people down. I joke around that frequently I don’t sleep at night; it’s overrated. The real reason I don’t sleep at night is because I don’t want to relive the life I once had, I don’t want to remember June of 2011, I don’t want to remember September; I don’t care if it is all part of ‘who I am’, I don’t want it to be.

I’m not the owner of a premier women’s soccer team, and I’m not a corporate inspector for Subway. I’m an only child who screwed up big time a year and a half ago, and I’ve had to spend the past twenty months rebuilding everything about my life. This is why stress from the day-to-day can get to me, but doesn’t scare me away.

I’ve met isolation; I’ve lived with depression, and I’ve drank from the cup of hopelessness. These are my nightmares that I hope will forever stay locked away.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Restless


Trying to sleep tonight. Very restless. Deep down I’m a people pleaser…shamefully…which means that I battle the realization that I’ll never make every person happy.

That fact eats at me in my sleep…

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Unwanted


I slept in today…

Mistake number one.

I sleep with my phones on silent.

Mistake number two?

I woke up around 9:32 AM to an array of text messages and missed phone calls.

I thought that was why I placed my phones on silent to begin with.

That’s when I started to read messages from Dur, explaining to me that my girlfriend had called the ambulance and her [my girlfriend] mother had been taken to the hospital. Immediate thought: stroke.

So, this resulted in me flying out of bed, calling my boss, canceling my meetings, and realizing that I’d be working on Sunday. Why? I wasn’t working today, I needed to get to the hospital.

For the next ten hours I spent more time in the hospital then I had in nearly six years. The whole time keeping close eye on my girlfriend.

I love protecting.

Seriously, it’s one of my favorite past times [and full time]. I absolutely love keeping track of her. Most days we run around, going nuts, and shaking the whole world apart, but today…she needed me to actually be a man. Aside from the moments that she was in the room with her mother [who is currently in ICU], I was by her side, never missing a step. More hugs then I can count, and always keeping my hand on her.

I couldn’t let her out of my sight. Suddenly, in one swift move, it felt as if I could trust no one we were coming in contact with. It was an incredible feeling, over protective, helicopter mode that I’m not known for.

But it was perfect for the moment.

I didn’t do anything amazing, save the day, or anything of those likes. I just know I did the right thing today by never stepping away from her.

As for her mother; she was getting a bit better by the time we left. Remember, with my girlfriend it is her and her mom. No husband, my girlfriend is the only child, and that’s all. She’s had too much CO2 built up in her body and isn’t getting enough oxygen in, and some irregular blood pressure with some kidney issues as well. That’s all I know. Tomorrow, we both have to work in the morning, but by the time I return home it’ll be round two of being a hawk over her.

-D-


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