XXXI: More Papers


I’m typing this from my parent’s PC in the living room this hot afternoon in the Midwest. I should be typing this on my laptop, right? Yeah, I should except that, that laptop wasn’t mine to begin with, it belonged to the company that I was employed with.

Note: was

Earlier this afternoon I was notified that my services as a social media consultant were no longer needed as the businesses I worked with were “going in a new direction” by way of social media use. In other words, I didn’t fit the bill, I had worn out my welcome, and I was no longer needed.

Put bluntly: I was let go from my job this afternoon.

Just like a divorce, and other eventful, painful moments in life there seems to always be paperwork involved. I had to leave my signature along with an office key, laptop, and security device that allowed me into the office. I couldn’t write my name quick enough.

For a few weeks, very similar to the events that transpired with Subway in July of last year, I had the internal feeling that my time was drawing short within the company. I wasn’t involved in as many meetings, I was being asked what the passwords were for all the social media accounts, and other little hints that I was able to note that the end was coming.

Thankfully, I wasn’t completely caught off guard this afternoon. Darco was, as I’m sure I just made her shift at the coffee shop very stressful, but internally I’m quite well. The truth is that while I enjoyed this “dream job”, I don’t think that it was the dream for me. I enjoyed what I did, but I definitely wound up viewing it as a job, and not as something that I forgot I was doing for a job. Also, in light of ongoing conversations with Darco about running, this too ties into a delicate topic that we had discussed for the previous few weeks.\

Spiritually, I don’t see this as God saying, “You abused what I gave you, so I’m taking it all away.” Instead I find peace and excitement in knowing that gears are finally turning, and change is coming to our household. It’s hard to fight back the fears of paychecks, bills, and other ongoing problems, but where this door was evidently closed and this chapter secured; a new one is bound to open soon.

I’m pleased in the fact that the first thing I did after leaving the office was contact the former employee I worked under while subsitute teaching in a local school district. While I’m sure there is some needed paperwork for me to fill out, I’m quite confident that I’ll be back in the classroom within that district very soon. Darco is looking for promotion halfway through September, and while the paycut is indeed evident, if things go smoothly it’ll balance itself out quickly.

I understand that substitute teaching is definitely a short term fix to the immediate problem, so it looks like the resume I’ve been working on for a few weeks was a positive indicator and evidence that I listened to God. There’s a position that has opened up at a specific office that I’m interested in, so I’ll be sure to check that out as well. If nothing else, perhaps the third time is the charm. Twice now I’ve avoided full time teaching positions because something else has come up at the last moment, perhaps this’ll be the time where that cycle ends.

I’m not sure. What I do know for sure is that it’ll be nice not to work on a Twitter account 24/7 non-stop knowing that appreciation will never be given. The other blessing (big time), is that because of the decrease of the mental load, I can begin to focus more and more on my running curriculumn. I’m sure there are plently of readers that may their eyes while reading over these lines, but for future progression this is an important blessing to immediately recognize.

I’m not heartbroken or sad, I was scared for quite a while today, but the more I calm down the more I begin to realize how much of a real life blessing this really is.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Hades Hump Day


It’s been that  day.

Between learning last night that once again Darco’s car is in need of repairs (I can’t underline enough how much I HATE Pontiac vehicles), and being out of Almond Milk (AGAIN!), last night kind of preempted the version of day I was destined for today. By the way, learning that we were out of Almond Milk was after I took the thirty minute side trip after work to gather other ingredients for the smoothies, including a new protein powder that is a tasteful blend of grass and sand.

Cat is heading to the vet this afternoon (AGAIN!) for acting stranger than usual*.
No Almond Milk means no smoothies this morning for breakfast. This equals Dunkin Donuts for a quick sandwich. A twenty minute line outside…a twenty minute line inside due to a 16 year old discovering their first job.
Money Orders: How hard is it to locate place that makes money orders? I knew the Post Office did, but only if you have cash or debit with you (I always forget my PIN so I use the credit option). This resulted in heading to the bank (adding extra time) to get a money order.
Why did I need the money order? Because the beloved town of Camden Point, Missouri [pause...waiting for you to find it] only allows money orders or cashier checks to pay for their speeding tickets.
Speeding tickets? Why yes! Last month is a completely illogical, unrealistic, and overall stupid sense of entitlement rent-a-cop went postal on me for not following his speed limit, not the practical limit that would be in place in many towns based off road conditions, size of road, and expectation of braking to the stop sign at safe speeds. It’s the first traffic ticket that I’ve ever wished to argue, but sadly…I didn’t have enough faith in myself to actually follow through with the bitterness.
Coffee in hand, check acquired, I spent an hour in the town of Camden Point, Missouri trying to locate their City Hall to drop off the citation. There’s only one catch I learned after talking to the local librarian…

…THIS TOWN DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CITY HALL! THEIR CITY CLERK WORKS FROM THEIR HOME NEARLY TWENTY MILES SOUTH OF THE TOWN…

…out of hostility I marched up to the Post Office (with no one there mind you) took the check, the ticket, and a piece of paper with the city clerks named scratched on it and stuck it together with a piece of tape [no envelope], and crammed it down the chute of the office for today’s pickup. If I get arrested tonight I’ll know it didn’t work (the city clerk did instruct me, over the phone, to go that direction).

Through the chaos I finally reached work at 12:00 PM. I missed the first World Cup match for the morning for a client, and I learned that have of my lunch was in a frozen block of ice.

This doesn’t even include a phone call about student loans…

 Is that enough “First World Problems” for today?

-D-

*At this point the ‘dark one’ is jumping onto the top of the couch, ears back, taking a swipe at my backside, and hissing upon my entry into the apartment. No, this time that’s not normal.

Mobile Minutes: Friday Sunset


Insert cliche sunset photo here…
Was this week one of the worst weeks ever?
Not even close. I think all of us agree that those weeks are pretty rough.
It was a tough week. I’ve made stupid financial mistakes, got a speeding ticket, strained some areas in my feet, serious, stupid family issues, and have an unsolved problem at work.
It’s life I guess. It was never to be perfect.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t send up an extra prayer being grateful the week is over.

-D-

XO: Trending


There are just those moments when you’re given the opportunity to spread your wings…
And in those moments you’re also allowed to see adversity that lies beyond the obvious…

This week has been an absolute challenge. It’s started with  surprise press releases, wound up with a surprise appearance and presentation at the Kauffman Foundation, and added with that was a few very late night meetings in the office.

Nothing was meant to be easy I suppose.

However, it was today that the frustrations of the sports world finally came to a head in my personal life. Per usual, as many things in this wonderful reality, it stemmed directly from the women’s soccer world, and frankly…I’m tired of the Kansas City Shock being chronically underestimated and overlooked.

Why was I at the Kauffman Foundation today? Because the Kansas City Shock was being presented again. Nearly a year after the first presentation. It was an absolute honor. What I thoroughly enjoy about the opportunity is that the Kansas City Shock has the opportunity to reach into the business sector of Kansas City. This way the program isn’t seen as just ‘some soccer team’, it’s a living breathing that is making a conscious effort to let the city know that. It’s something that was built into the original blueprint; the program isn’t just a program that stems from soccer on the field, but technology in the digital world, and a business mindset in the office. We’re trying to redefine women’s soccer, no matter the size of our program.

Realistically, I would have thought that people in the soccer world of Kansas City would have cared. A press release went out on it [I know, I reviewed it] to all media outlets within the community. Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ had the information posted everywhere as quick as we could get it out. I thought on our end we did everything we were supposed to do to get the information to as many people as we could.

Darco was sick, so I was alone at the Kauffman Foundation. There was no press, no media, no one within the soccer community of Kansas City. It was just another reminder of where we stand in the hierarchy of what others dictate as important. During the same time some mad man was ranting about the National Women’s Soccer League on Twitter, two teams had announced…or were going to announce…venue changes. Realistically, what I’ve learned about the majority of women’s soccer is that news really isn’t reported. News is staged and drama is strummed up in order to receive more ‘hits’ on the digital side of the industry.

That’s the game that is played, and because of how the Kansas City Shock is structured, we don’t belong in that game.
Ever.

Which also means that we don’t belong in that spotlight. Frankly, it’s recognizing that the Kansas City Star wants nothing to do with our program, but the Kansas City Business Journal covers our developments.

We’re not the rich kids.
We’re not the well behaved kids.
We’re not from the suburbs.
We don’t suck up.
We do tell people where to stick it.
We’re unapologetic.
We form our own identity.

Needless to say, when a women’s soccer program is speaking on the development of business, social media, software integration, and the sorts; I would assume from listening over the years of all the belly aching that the poor, pitiful charity organization referred to as women’s soccer, would embrace the concept that someone, anyone is being recognized as a real business. Stupidly, I assumed that people within the industry would be proud to see a program that’s trying to pave the way to a point where this industry may finally be taken seriously by the rest of the people that aren’t associated with the game [that's called the majority].

Nothing.
Silence.

It sickened me to watch people drop over dead for rumors of trades that were already done behind close doors, and the rants of a sports agent. I thought we did something great…I thought we did something today that grew the game. I thought we followed through with what we were supposed to do to grow the expectations and excitement of women’s soccer.

But we didn’t have the right name.
But we’re not in the right league.
But we don’t have the right ownership.
But we’re not rich enough.
But we’re not manipulative.
But we aren’t liars.
But we’re not the poster child for this industries expectations…

I was saddened heading over to the office afterwards. Know that one many was right several months ago, “No one gives a s%#! about you.” What’s more unfortunate is that, that isn’t even the case outside of our industry, that’s the story within the industry.

With all that said, this post is specifically me complaining because the hard working people of the Kansas City Shock [not myself, please believe that] fight every day to do something incredible, but the world of women’s soccer…doesn’t care. I’ll never understand why; I only know that it’s only going to get more convoluted as time elapses.

Finally, to pour salt on the wound. I’ll leave tonight with this blunt, joyful/disheartening reality.

…yet we still aren’t justified in the eyes of the ‘soccer demigods’ of Kansas City.

Going to bed tired, worn out, disheartened, and frustrated. I know that’s not where God wants me to be, but it’s hard to have faith in your purpose when you understand that redemption will never come to you and yours. You’re in a fight on your own.

-D-

XO: Sucking Air


*wheezing*

This is me trying to catch my breath.

I was driving to work a few days ago and I thought, “Man, it’s been a while since I actually had the opportunity to get a post up at FilingThePapers; like an actual post. I should fix that.”

1:00 in the morning is a perfect time to get caught up. The reality is that life is just a giant whirlwind that never stops, and lately I’ve been sucked up right into the middle of the vortex. Of course I pin most of this on my involvement at Dak Investment [my job]. It is quite literally a new challenge each day that I wake up. I mean, imagine this; currently I’m operating:

-Seven Twitter Accounts
-Six Facebook Pages
-Three YouTube Channels
-Five Google+ Pages

I can assure you; that’s a lot to keep track of 24/7/365. Either the computer or the phone is next to me at all hours of the day. Remember, I’m doing all of this while I’m also operating the Kansas City Shock. The social media influence on the Kansas City Shock is one of the primary reasons I even got this job, so as you can imagine upkeep on all fronts is rather important. The important question is easily becoming, “When do I sleep?” What I’ve learned is that I sleep where I can fit it in. I attempt to get eight hours; most nights I don’t, so I’ll try to edge a nap in. Such as the time between work and an even soccer meeting; Darco will drive so that I can get a nap in while on the road.

It’s an adventure, and it’s still kind of hard to believe that I’m actually doing it. It’s also hard to find the balance between joking and emphasis on what work is in this field.

The joking side of me says that I’m being paid to operate a Facebook account. There’s some truth behind that. The serious side of me though tries to get people to understand that cognitively I’m having to multitask in several different industries all at once. While I’m working on car dealerships, I’m answering phone calls on a residential/commerce development, and at the same time I’m sending an email to two old men who have PhD’s in engineering. That’s when I’m not messing around with the Kansas City Shock; does that all make sense?

I physically don’t show it, but mentally I’m fried by the end of the day. In fact, it got to such an extreme point so quickly that I had an eye appointment this morning because my prescription wasn’t right. I was getting headaches and car sick from reading all the time. Today I’ve learned that my eyes have gotten slightly worse, and I did also pick up a pair of glasses as well. I wear contacts constantly, and I really need some time to let my eyes breathe [bonus: the new frames coming in; they're definitely Oakley].

However, this should be stated; I absolutely love this opportunity and the insane adventures that come with it. I truly mean some insane things come out of these daily events, and it’s going to lead to some amazing opportunities with the Kansas City Shock.

Outside of that; I’ve received the entire Adobe Acrobat Suite; lot’s of experimenting with photography, video, and other goodies. Again, both beneficial for work and the Kansas City Shock. I believe I have a new GoPro camera coming in on Monday to mess with as well. GoPro+Cars+Video Software=A ton of fun.

Spiritually I’ll be the first to admit that life isn’t where I’d like it to be. Switching churches hasn’t been the easiest, and we’re still trying to get better plugged-in with the group. My work hours obviously mess with that substantially, and we’re still praying that more people our age will start showing up. I try to spend the first ten minutes of each morning just giving thanks for everything that I can think of. This life has been a wild ride, and as nice as a lot of things are that I have, the truth is that none of them are mine, and it’s crucial to give glory and honor where it is due. I still have a lot of learning to do, and spiritual strength is needed in the work that I do. The business world is very scary, and very corrupt. Every day there seems to be at least one snare or another just waiting each corner that I turn. Frankly, I know this is drastic sounding, but the classroom appears to be spiritually safer for myself versus what I’m currently witnessing. This probably means I’m in the right place.

I do miss the classroom; I’m averaging about one dream a night about teaching. It’s sad, and I wake up sad; those are things that I can’t lie about. However, as much as I miss the kids, the teachers, and the organizations that I was with; this was the right call. One of the biggest struggles that I dealt with personally in the classroom environment is something that I don’t have to deal with, with the work I currently have. Frankly, I consider that a huge blessing.

Darco and I are doing well; we have at least two of our three vehicles running at the moment [the week we bought the new Mazda3, the other car died, and my truck was in the shop; the truck is back home]. We’re getting all of our bills caught up in order to move at the beginning of next year. I did place a disclaimer on the event; stating that we won’t move anywhere until we’re caught up on all the bills. Prior to this job, we were making it, but not with ease and took a few hits that we’re currently ironing out. God’s provided, and we’re grateful for it. In January her and I are embarking a very fun trip; we’re driving from here to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for the NSCAA Convention [a soccer version of ComiCon...without the humor]. I’m still figuring out how it’ll look on this site, but we’ll be recording the entire event for sure. Primarily for the Kansas City Shock, but also for the joy of digital humor.

Finally, as I eluded too earlier tonight, my biggest concern at the moment is my health. I hate having to go through weight loss processes; it drives me nuts. However, as I’ve learned, living in the city is horrible. I thought living somewhere with a gym would be great, but truthfully; I miss the open roads to run on, and it definitely shows…sadly. So, I’m revamping my concepts on how I can approach that, because I need to be more physically attractive for Darco. She deserves it, and I’m letting her down. There’s a haunting concept that this is a similar path of what I did before in my previous marriage, and I don’t want to fall into that trap again. Also, Darco, as it turns out, can’t handle gluten or dairy products. This has translated into our diets being completely redesigned as well. The positive out of it so far is that my caffeine consumption has dropped drastically. Most days I’m averaging one cup of coffee, and the rest of the day is water. That’s a very, very big deal for myself.

If your eyes burn at this point; I don’t blame you. My fingers hurt, and I seriously need to go to bed.

As you can tell; life is moving along quite rapidly. However, it isn’t enough. I’m not doing enough, and personally I feel as if I’m getting rather lazy on specific areas of my life that should be highlighted. It’s a vicious balancing act that I haven’t figured out, but I do look forward to it once it finally clicks.

One of my recent projects; @LakeShore_Plaza. Also known as my current office.

One of my recent projects; Lakeshore Plaza. Also known as my current office.

-D-

XO: Vengeance


Alright, time for you to get ‘the list’ out. Yes, the list that no Christian ever possesses; the list of severity of a sin based on what the sin is. You know what I’m talking about.

Tonight, for sake of honesty, I’m getting mine out. My hidden list that completely goes against the concept of what Christianity teaches. Why? Because I’m one very messed up human who has some serious grudge issues.

My number one sin; the top of the top is…

REVENGE

Why? Because I’m full of it. This burning, lustful desire to ensure that none of the people that have turned their backs on me gets to vanish without knowing exactly who I am, and that they were completely wrong on who I was. It also reaches out to those who have hurt me, damaged trust, used me, or just plain left me to rot.

It’s incredible the unique description of this list; it includes at least three ‘men of God’ [preachers], and all sorts of other individuals. Is this list wrong? YES! INSANELY YES! However, painfully, it’s a burden that I bare, and a curse that I live with.

The horrible reality is that they’re all right.

I didn’t rise above. I didn’t become someone great. I didn’t become the humanitarian, and I failed a ‘missionary’. I’m a ruined, tainted Christian due to a Baptist-style divorce, and I’ve now successfully watched two church bodies lose pastors for absolutely insane, selfish reasons. I feel like again, I’ve completely failed my wife, and that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror…I’ve gained that much weight. I wake up in the morning and I find myself apologizing in the shower. Telling God I’m sorry for being a mistake, I’m sorry for damaging so many plans, and tarnishing His kingdom. I can’t even express in words how much, as of late, I honestly feel like a failure.

My outlet is reverting back to stupid mindsets of uncontrollable anger, frustration, and sorrow. A student today said that I sound like I’m a loner, and unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. Most importantly I feel terrible for Darco, I have this undying fear that I’ve caused so much regret for her. That I’m never happy and it destroys her; even though it has nothing to do with her.

The harsh reality is that I can’t make anyone happy, I can’t do anything right, and I’m a joke of a Christian.

Sounds pretty pitiful right?

That’s because it is.

I would be a liar if I told you life was perfect, easy, and full of happiness. It’s hard, it’s dark, and it’s full of disappointment. Much of this is brought upon myself, and I have no excuse. I accept these realities, and openly choose not to pin anyone else for them.

I don’t understand God’s plan, I have no idea what to do, and I’m in a 24/7 state of confusion. These are all truths. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m not praying for a ‘bright light’. I’m merely asking for peace for me and mine, and constant persuasion to hold onto hope. It feels like I’m slipping, that anger that I’ve worked on monitoring for years is flaring back up, and I don’t want my plague to affect anyone else.

I know God is here, I understand that He loves and forgives, but I also understand when anyone makes the statement starting with:

But God could never use someone like me…

-D-