XXXI: Not My Own


It’s 9:30 PM and I’m sitting in the living room eating tacos from the kitchen. i’ve just finished another anime episode and I fell asleep on the couch; requiring Darco to wake me up for bed. It’s been that kind of day.

Absolute exhaustion and trying times.

Yesterday was a mess. Between some student loan issues (imagine that), screwing up an assignment for class, and just a failure to adapt to the classroom, it was not a pleasant experience. I was in a rather foul mood last night by the time I left school, and I was hoping (and seriously praying) that today would be different. Thankfully, this was the case. I’m not stating that the day was perfect in comparison to yesterday, but I am going to say that God was able to change my mindset and expectations, so that I could work in an area I love with a more humble soul.

Twice, in the past six months, I’ve failed to gain a classroom position inside the school. The first time it created a horrible sense of bitterness internally, but in the end I had to accept the reality that I didn’t hold the legal requirements to teach. Why should I be mad at someone else for the mistakes I’ve made? With that memory in mind I was able to handle the news of potentially missing out on another classroom position this week. Through this process I started to see the pattern that I’ve become a hypocrite in front of my own students…

So many times I’ve complained about students having this sense of entitlement when they’re in school, “Well, I earned this.” or “Well, I deserve that.” can be heard as distant echoes down the hallway. It’s rather irritating to hear and very discouraging when thinking of what the future could hold for them in this very hostile, unfriendly world.

I say that while with the same mouth and mind I can hear myself saying, out of bitterness…

I’m mad because I’ve earned this opportunity…

I’m upset because I deserve to have this chance…

Doesn’t matter the age, the reality is the same. I’m no different compared to my own students. I have this horrible, worldly sensation that punctures my soul with greed. The truth is, is that I don’t even deserve the job that I currently have. The bitter reality is knowing that there’s nothing in these previous four years of life that indicate I even deserve the life that I’ve been given. Classroom? Trying deserving the wife I have, a supportive family, loving friends, a healthy life, etc…

Who am I to seek entitlement for a life I don’t even deserve?

it was a hard, bitter pill to swallow. Recognizing how fallen I am, and how dirty I’ve become. Realizing this is why it became easier to accept my position, cling to my school, and stop worrying about all the details and just live an enjoyable life. I can firmly say that, that in itself is a blessing that I’ve missed for years.

Maybe this is just another one of my random rants about life. i’ve missed out twice on the hopes of having a real classroom for the next school year, and I’m thankful that God’s prepared my soul to handle the understanding that sometimes His timing and our own for our lives don’t always match up.

I have to require my soul to be alright with understanding that I cannot be in control of my life.

It wasn’t my own to start with anyways…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Jupiter’s Storm


What I’m learning…
I love my students. Middle school kids crack me up on a daily basis. They’re strange, but they’re a ton of fun and the energy level never ends. It’s a perfect environment for me.

Chaos, energy, and attitude.

Sadly, like everything in life (not just work related) there is a flipside to this scenario. There’s a daily temptation that roams the halls each day that I exist, this whispering little serpent that winds itself in and out of the classrooms. It’s wrapped up in drama, gossip, rumors, and in many cases nothing in favor for the students.

My biggest struggle, deepest prayer, and darkest fear all stems from not giving into the world that’s before me. I never knew that even with the enjoyment of students, a quagmire of personal fear thrives in such a safe haven of joy.

It’s a learning lesson for sure, and definitely something that’ll never go away. No different than Jupiter’s ongoing storm, this reality and educational moment will continue to spin.

Perhaps I just need a bit more sugar and caffeine in the morning.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Pronto


How much longer until your certification is ready?
Two weeks, sir.
Good. The minute it’s finalized, email me.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to share these dialogues, but this is what took place inside the hallway in school today between myself and the principal. What does it mean? I have no clue aside from a glimpse of optimism.
Just praying everything falls into place…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Fighters


Dozing in and out heading home (don’t worry, I’m not driving) for the night. I can say that I’m absolutely wiped out, and for all the right reasons.

A few weeks ago a teacher at work prompted me with a question: Would I be willing to produce and demonstrate a persuasive speech to all the 7th grade students in the school?

Without a second thought I gladly agreed to take on the challenge, even though it has been ten years since I had, had such a task. Continue reading

XXXI: Heading Home


There are two phrases that I grew to hate as an adolescent:

Are you going to be a preacher someday?

You’d make a great teacher!

My selfish ego revolves around not doing what people expect me to do, and constantly rebelling against the expectations of those around me. There’s nothing Biblical about this principle, but 27 years into this life I think I have enough research to support to theory of my own behaviorisms.

To this day I still make a solid stance in never having a desire to speak from a pulpit. There’s nothing in my heart that desires it, and after several years of being on a lot of different paths with my relationship with Christ I can affirm that, that is not a position for me.

With that said, the second group I must apologize to, raise my sword by two hands and lay it at your feet in the form of a surrender. Truly, I was designed to be a teacher.

Continue reading

#getyourpraiseon


On time, and with time to spare…

All assignments turned in, all discussions posted, and all readings done. I’ve finished my first week of class!

…only five more weeks to go…

It’s all worth it though. Even if I’m without a classroom next school year, I just want my license back. At the moment I truly don’t feel like I belong inside the school I’m at because of my lack of certification. It’s a hard pill to swallow, that’s why I never try to get a student to understand that I’m an instructor. Technically, I’m not, I’m there to assist them with their studies, and to assist their instructors. Don’t get me wrong though; I can’t wait for the moment that I’m able to hold onto my documents and be acknowledged as a licensed educator in this state again.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: School Day Nerves


I head back to school tomorrow, the holiday being over and all.
Can I be honest? I’m nervous. I get nervous, the butterflies in the stomach, everything when I think about tomorrow.
I don’t want to make mistakes, I want the kids to be successful, and I frankly, I don’t want to stop having fun.
Maybe I’m naive and weird for thinking that, but it’s interesting getting nervous about going to work.
And I’m not even a teacher!

-D-