XXXI: Running Fuel


What gets you around the track? To lift the weights? The go the distance?

Fuel.

Not just the physical food context, but the mental drive to overcome the shortcomings that our mind places before us.

What is your fuel?

I try to envision the future, I try to dream of the impossible, and keep my feet moving one step at a time. However, eventually I grow tired and I begin to reach for hidden cheats, the known pieces of life that can drive anyone beyond the pain threshold.

Anger, bitterness, hate.

Using negativity to fuel the drive to overcome will merely place your name among those who have failed to ascend above God, Himself.

I still hate. I’ve covered it up, masked it the best I could, but it still sits there. Knowing that I’ll explore that dark world when the miles begin to add. Broken promises, bad relationships, failed marriages, and manipulated moments…I’m still a broken man that struggles with hatred. It’s not just the context of being frustrated, it’s the dark area of the soul where you swear by things unknown that you will rise over those who ridiculed, yelled, and walked away.

Only God could accept a man still struggling with hatred. Only God would allow a man to run, knowing each mile he’ll have the option of fuel.

Will destiny, faith, and humility ever guide my way? Am I too broken to get past what’s been destroyed? Will the hatred ever go away?

I don’t know, I really don’t. Darco knows my demons, and demonstrates patience each time they’re brought up. I can only pray that this is an assistant coach training an athlete to become self disciplined in the soul, as he is to be on the track.

-D-

XXXI: Pure Country


Wow…you really are short…

I warned her. I had warned Darco several times about my dad’s side of the family, the Daugherty Clan. This was always done in a fun, whimsical sense, but compared to her experience with MC’s family there is a stark, stark contrast between the two groups. MC’s side you go to brunch with…dad’s side…you get tattoos and talk about about trucks at the local honky-tonk.

I. Am. Not. Kidding. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Humility’s Grace


It’s 4:50 AM. Darco just left for work, and I find myself staring out at the swaying tree limbs, watching the night pass by.

I’m trying to accept grace, and understand what life is to be when you’re not congratulated, you’re expected to function in a specific order, and praise isn’t part of reality.

It’s humility.

It’s new to me, understanding this concept. It isn’t easy in this new world, but it’s the right place to be.

-D-

RECOVERY: eLIMINATE


e·lim·i·nate

   [ih-lim-uh-neyt] 

verb (used with object), e·lim·i·nat·ed, e·lim·i·nat·ing.

1. to remove or get rid of, especially as being in some way undesirable: 

to eliminate risks; to eliminate hunger.

2. to omit, especially as being unimportant or irrelevant; 

leaveout: I have eliminated all statistical tables, 

which are of interest only to the specialist.

3. to remove from further consideration or competition,

especially by defeating in a contest.

Destroy, destruction, abandoned, and leave. All great terms to associate with the idea of elimination. To get rid of competition, eradicate, to walk way.

One of the first actions made in my own life, following the devastation that was the divorce, was eliminating my old life. I would be lying to you if I told you that I was living the life, the dream, and the potential of my own being.

Sure, I could brag about the 93 high school applications, and trying to save money, and staying up late working on new projects. But truthfully, and painfully honestly; that wasn’t everything I was doing. I was living a life that needed to be eliminated, as much as I enjoy my time with Simcity, I was carelessly wasting time on the game at night. I wasn’t applying to every job out there, in order to just make some money so that my wife could actually relax [full time student, student teaching, and working a full time job]. See, I wasn’t the hopeless, helpless, mope case. I was a man who was in need of a serious reality check. While I don’t believe that divorce was or is ever the answer for that check, I can say that the shock wave of that event most definitely put my dismal excuse of a life into perspective.

I had to start eliminating:

Late nights. Fast food. Video games. Not working for a living [there is some truth to that]. Refusing to go to church. Excuses. Lies. Everything, in the most literal sense, had to go. I had to eliminate my life, I had to deny myself.

The secret that I learned, sadly after the divorce, was that the root to so many issues that I had to eliminate, was that it was all about me. I had to be comfortable, I had to relax, I had to be right, I had to selfishly go off my own desires and nothing else. I had to be loved, not love. I stood in the middle and all the planets and the sun revolved around me.

Eliminating self.

It wasn’t easy, and it was humiliating and painful. Waking up on a couch in the middle of a molded, empty apartment realizing you lost it all; heartbreaking. I needed that broken heart, I had to have my life torn down to the base, the ground, the foundation, to realize that I had built up a kingdom of absolute garbage, and in order to actually move with my life; it all had to leave.

Many times when I’m at MoVal, I hear so much about repent, and to repent; in its most simple form, is to turn away from your actions and make a 180 degree turn.

Regardless of where you stand on your life of spirituality, Christianity, and everything in between; if I have not been able to convey where I stand in my life on this site; then I have failed my faith. For myself, repenting meant the realization that in order to eliminate my life, my waste of space of existence, I had to go back to my roots: church. Further coals on the fire was being rather disowned by the only church that I had called home because I had the amazing label of “divorce” [aka...unclean], and I had nowhere to go. If I had refused to eliminate my life, I would have looked to God, this invisible creature that made up everything, and stick my finger at Him and just say, “This is YOUR fault! Why do YOU hate me?” It would have been so easy to do, but after my wife left; I started to understand that ‘easy’ was rarely right. Living by faith, denying self, eliminating your life, usually meant that you had to take a hard road and endure the frustrations associated with it.

The hardest part of eliminating my life was looking at you; the reader, myself, and God and say, “This is on me. I’m a 23 year old that is divorced. This choir boy fell from his ranks.” It was humiliating to look at the pastor of MoVal and admit that I’m divorced, it was a horror to even look at a single family member and act like life was ok. The world may have felt bad for me, but the cleansing process of the inward,of the soul was gut wrenching, disgusting, unclean sensation that nearly made me sick to my stomach.

Eliminating can equal purifying.

My planner on a monthly basis is chalked full of agendas, meetings, and schedules. It is a rarity to find me in one spot for more than two hours. Yes, I own my business with the Shock, but in the end; what is the Shock for? The future of women’s soccer in the Great Plains. It isn’t about me. Guatemala isn’t a vacation. It isn’t about me. Every single thing I do now, on a daily basis [scratch a few moments at Starbucks] I have to take a step back and ask myself, “Is it about me?”

I took that path, I made it about me, and it cost me everything.

I encourage you, when analyzing your life, wherever it may be, that you can say you’ve taken the route of Quorra from Tron Legacy and removed yourself from the equation. When we eliminate ourselves, our greed, our desires, and accept that our existence is best supported and amplified merely by the world and those we surround ourselves with, and more importantly; those we choose to serve: that’s when life finally begins.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Just Prayer


image

Go ahead, judge.
I’m completely exhausted.
*pause for moment of honesty*
I feel like I’m lacking at work.
I’m excited about this new soccer opportunity, but I’m barely sleeping trying to balance the two.
I need to run, but work is lasting until the sun sets.
The soccer team has my mind exploding due to the sheer mass of the amount of information and planning that is required. I want to succeed without letting the masses down.
I just realized that in four days I’ve driven the distance of the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean.
I got pulled over in Oklahoma because my “license was covered with trim” (after a Kansas SUV passed with the same trim. Was illegally interrogated, as was Darco in the car. Both of us were never read our rights (as this act took place separately in separate cars), and the officer was polite enough to joke about my restraining order that my ex-wife gave me.
Finally, honestly, shamefully…I miss having the company of a life-time committed companion.

…let me drink my latte in peace…

-D-