#getyourpraiseon


Ever wonder if creating a women’s soccer program in Kansas City was a bad idea?

Following this:

It all started in Indianapolis two weeks ago. Three of our staff members [and a short moment with Dur] headed to the NSCAA National Convention in Indianapolis, Indiana. I stayed back in Kansas City to work on business [and I was also told 'owners' have nothing to do there]. Upon their return, I got an earful about the ladies from Legacy Football Club, and also about the crew from the Boston Breakers. Two programs that over the past year we have developed very strong ties with. I was also informed about how many people at this convention [trust me, it is huge] knew about the Kansas City Shock. A positive from the marketing standpoint of our program.

That was the normal part.

So, Dur comes into Starbucks after her adventure to Indy and asks me if I knew someone named Amber Gwinn. Well, this immediately sparks interest because I do know an Amber Gwinn. Amber was the assistant coach at Southwest Baptist while I was working in the athletic department. Between her and the head coach [now Survivor celebrity] Ben Wade, I learned a ton about women’s soccer. It turns out that Dur met her in Indianapolis. Additionally, it turns out that Amber coaches in Reno, it also turns out that Amber is in direct contact with Jenn and Vanessa of Legacy; also based out of the Reno/Sparks area. Needless to say, the women who easily intimidated me in college [I think I spoke to Wade more then I did her of all the time I was there...out of fear] has connected digitally on Facebook and Twitter, and I just chuckle at the connection of how that comes about. Weird stuff, right? While all of that was going on, our director of merchandise was chasing down Puma at the convention [compliments of Legacy, who run all of their gear through Puma]. Well, in Kansas City currently Sporting Kansas City runs through Adidas, FC Kansas City runs through Nike, and guess what? Yes, even though it was never the initial plan, it looks like we’re going with Puma. Puma is looking at getting into the Kansas City market [a soccer hot spot] and they carry the color orange that we’ve grown to love. Factor in Boston Breakers also running Puma prior to joining the new league that’s been formed, and the stage was already set for a fascinating introduction for Puma with us. Of course I can’t steal Jamie’s [director of merchandise] thunder, so that’s all I can say on that topic. Though very cool.

It gets better.

The following weekend myself and Darco headed out to Las Vegas for the Women’s Premier Soccer League conference. First of all, Las Vegas is a terrible, nasty city. I couldn’t handle that thing for more then a few hours at a time. Regardless, I spent all Saturday in a conference room listening to the league president chat. Afterwards he took us to the standard Las Vegas buffet [my stomach is still recovering], and we sat and talked. By the time I was preparing to leave, he makes mention of Weber Creative Arts. Yes, our beloved Weber Creative Arts in Kansas City that kills our graphic design stuff on a daily basis. He wants to know if they’d be interested in doing design work for the league office. I’m serious! I told him that I connect the two groups, but while I was walking out I was simply thinking, “Remember when that married couple [who I went to college with, who knew K8 that put us together, who also knew Amber Grwinn at the same time] started working on our designs, and filed for their own company?” Needless to say, I was thrilled to send that e-mail to them when I returned to the hotel.

BUT IT GETS BETTER!

The next day, Darco and I took a brief 6.5 hour trip through…well…nothing from Las Vegas to Reno/Sparks. Why? Simple. Jenn and Vanessa live in Sparks, and earlier that week I had received a message from Vanessa saying that there was going to be a dinner waiting for us when we arrived. When you’re hopping airports and cars, a home cooked meal you take every time. We arrived in Sparks right around 4:00 PM and headed over to the house of Paul and Jamie. When we arrived we found a house COVERED with girls who were ALL keepers [no wonder Jenn enjoys them so much] running around, eating food [it's a soccer girl problem], and creating chaos. It was awesome! The couple, Paul and Jamie greeted us and started chatting. What I hadn’t realized was that this was the same Paul that a few days earlier on Facebook stated on the Kansas City Shock Facebook page that we needed to stop at the Death Valley Candy and Nut Company. Darco and I had made a specific goal to stop there [THEY HAVE GUMMY, GREEN ARMY MEN!]. It was awesome knowing that the guy we went out to get that trip on video was standing in front of me [eye-to-eye, this family is so tall]. We talked shop, our program, Legacy, and family. That’s when the really cool stuff started to happen. Paul travels a lot, getting shoe companies to sell specific types of shoes from Germany and Austria [I hope I got that right]. He has a lot of business in Kansas City, and is a die hard Sporting fan. He also has done a little business in St. Joseph [remember, he lives in Sparks] at a store called Browns Shoes. This store just happens to be managed by my friend Tom, the same Tom that was with me in Guatemala and the same Tom that is an elder at MoVal. Paul brought up Tom’s name, and this is after I looked at Darco in the car and said, “I’ll give it ten minutes before Tom’s name comes up”…jokingly. I had no idea how serious that would be. The concept of Tom and Paul knowing each other from the business side [Tom's a bit fuzzy on it] is mind blowing, but when I told Paul that Tom and I were part of a group of missionaries in Guatemala this summer, he perks up, “Oh yeah, I’ve got some friends that are full time down there…” and starts rattling off all of these people they know in the mission field. That’s the same time Jenn pipes up and says, “Yeah, Shawn takes gear down to Guatemala for clinics.” “Really? We’ve got all sorts of stuff from cleats and stuff…” While all that was going on, the missionaries mentioned in the conversation [who I've forgotten names of...I'm sorry] triggered a conversation from back home. These names are known by the community that I live in as well [did I mention that this was going on in Nevada], as it turns out Jamie and Paul are actually from the Chicago area originally and were deeply involved in the area. Most notably for me was this:

Halfway across the United States I was in the presence of some seriously compassionate Christians.

While sitting down for dinner [and working on a very stout dark ale that I'm not overly familiar with] we discussed everything from youth soccer, travel, soccer, food, soccer, all the way to business; including questions about the Kansas City Shock, our business model, and the future of our program and Legacy FC. Somewhere within that conversation I brought up Pro Ebiria, a glove company for goal keepers. The Kansas City Shock’s very first sponsor back in July of last year, and we continue to do business with them to this day. They make the gloves for the keeper for Sporting Kansas City. Pro Ebiria just released a youth style glove [size and all] at their usual exceptional price, and the president of Legacy FC just happens to be a former keeper at the Univ. of Nevada [Jenn] and coaches goal keeper clinics and camps. Well, as you would imagine, because I love working with local businesses [see Weber] I pitched Pro Ebiria to Jenn. Now those two are in contact with one another; imagine if Pro Ebiria is selling youth gloves to a youth program out in Sparks, Nevada? Huge marketing potential, helps a local business, they’re amazing gloves, and hopefully assists a growing program out west.

After having my mind blown from that amazing few hours; Darco and I traveled back to Las Vegas that night [another 6.5 hours of two lanes and desert] and arrived in Las Vegas at 5:30 AM [we got to airport by 8:00 AM to depart, a miracle in itself].

At this point, if you’ve kept up with the whole process, you’re probably pretty entertained. Don’t worry though; there’s so much more…

The following days were a whirlwind, including a literal meeting every single day [I was off from Subway for the week]. Tuesday was very stressful, and a rather disheartening meeting over a very, very important aspect of the Kansas City Shock. However, while leaving in the pouring rain our head coach contacts me, tells me a magazine is doing an interview with her; Dos Munos, a bilingual Spanish/English piece that is distributed through Kansas City. For us, that’s a huge deal; we have made it a professional and personal goal to get a stronger access into the Hispanic community of Kansas City. This was a massive step in the right direction. I definitely didn’t realize what kind of first step that was.

The rest of the information is monumental huge, but for fear of press leaks I can’t be too descriptive…for now.

I was contacted by another team of a different women’s soccer league a few days ago, I think Wednesday, they’re curious on what kind of work Weber Creative Arts can do. Alright, now this is where I start to freak out. I mean, the league office has already contacted Weber Creative and this other team from an entirely different league is contacting me about them as well. I mean, realistically, that’s how you grow a business. To see something like that take off; on the personal level it is huge, but on the business side with the program that helped kick start Weber; it’s unspeakable. I hope that as time progresses I’ll have more information about that to share. Additionally, since the first meeting this week fell through, I got a tip for another meeting set up by our general manager this morning. I had no idea how big of a meeting it would be. I want to share this information with so, so badly and I hope I’ll be able to soon, but just trust me when I say it is monumental. Factor that in with an amazing meeting yesterday with the owner of a company called The Soccer Lot; he has built a mobile platform for 5v5 soccer that can be played in an area the size of a basketball court. What happens if we install those outside of our home games? What happens if they open up in Sparks, Nevada? Boston, Massachusetts? Of course, I’m completely speculating, but the possibilities to assist another growing business in Kansas City is never ending!

Did I mention that I had a meeting inside Kansas City City Hall this week? No? That happened to. I was able to speak with the adviser of Mayor Sly James for about an hour on the Kansas City Shock; strictly looking for recognition and nothing else. First, I couldn’t believe that they responded to my inquiry. Second, I couldn’t believe I had a meeting at City Hall [across the street from one of my Subway's]. Finally, I was meeting with the right hand man to the mayor of Kansas City; people that is no small position! We talked start up businesses, technology, growth, and economic development. In a very scary sense; I felt right at home. What will that meeting translate into? I have no idea, but something will come up; it’s sure to.

I want to take this point to make three clear points:

  1. Thank you for taking the time to read this extensive piece of information
  2. All of this took place in the matter of just under two weeks
  3. YOU CANNOT DENY THAT THERE IS SOMEONE A LOT BIGGER THEN ME, THE STAFF, OUR PROGRAM, OUR CITY THAT IS DOING SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY AMAZING THINGS! 

I’m living a dream, and from this site, by now we all should know that my credit goes directly to God for taking care of me and never ceasing to blow me away.

-D-

O: Second Year


I’ve logged over 200 miles today; I’m tired and I’ve resulted into doing two things that are usually not permitted in my life:

  • I’ve converted my comfy bed and pillows into my ‘office’
  • I’ve made the executive decision to forgo all social media aspects for the night [minus e-mail...if that counts]

Why?

I’m beat. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can’t handle the long drives nearly as well as I used to, and mentally I’m just fried today. Is that wrong?

Two hundred miles is good for only one element of life; thinking.

Call it reflection, or call it just mindless wandering, but anyone who has kept up with my journey since July of 2011 can admit that it’s been a ride.

You don’t get to make up stories like these; you don’t get to go from absolutely nothing to everything. That doesn’t happen in today’s world, right?

Dead. Wrong.

Has it been easy? Not a chance; while traveling through north central Missouri today I thought back to the horrible journey of breaking and entering to find food. Not the best moment of life, or the legal paperwork that was filed, and then filed again. However; the pains and frustrations are so small compared to the fruits of the excitement that I now live on a daily basis. Realistically; perhaps as I find myself partway through year two; it’s the reflection on those who have been instrumental towards the elements of my life. From running until I wanted to die [and then some], to random journey’s down south while in panic-mode, to writing and writing and writing, to the insane ideas that conjure up in my mind [throw a few sandwiches in there also], and there’s a list of people, organizations, businesses, and so much more to note, to thank, and to appreciate.

However, that would give notion towards the end of a book; which anyone who knows me, knows that isn’t even close to the truth [we've got a while on book two, as it has become much larger then anticipated].

Perhaps this is the medicine that I needed tonight. Truthfully, I’ve had knots in my stomach all day. The stress from the Kansas City Shock and what I put on myself has been unreal. While I dare not say tonight is a night of doing nothing [the amount of e-mails I have to work on is unreal], but taking the initiative to reflect on positive thought in order to maintain balance of my mind [so I don't lose it], and continue to remind myself to remain humble, passionate, and grateful.

Mind spinning yet? Neither is mine; it’s 9:30 PM CST; I dropped my luggage in the apartment, put on some cartoons, and just started typing. I tend of Amy Jo Martin in exact moments like this; Ms. Martin explained a study [that her staff forced her to do] called Ready, Set, Pause. The problem was that she was moving too often, too quickly, and wasn’t able to catch her breath. Complete overload. Her crew required her to take eight minutes out of her day [literally penned into her schedule] and just relax; throw on some music, and take a deep breath.

While I’m chalking this up to Ready, Set, Pause; I do see the evening in similar light. I firmly believe that it is a temptation to dwell on the past. How many of us during our youth years tried the one-up trick of, “Oh you think your life was bad? Well mine was…” Maybe no one else, but I’m as guilty as sin with the notion. How Jo, throughout college, didn’t kill me is beyond my mental capability. However, as I’ve grown older there has come the concept of reflection vs dwelling:

Reflection runs a mindset of focusing on the thought provoking ideas, and insight from the events of an individuals life. Wisdom, joy, and emotions are frequently stirred for the individual. A case in myself would be, humorously, listening to “As Long As You Love Me” by Justin Bieber. Hearing the song spurns the idea of a night time drive in a black Ford Fusion; all while driving down Santa Monica Boulevard. My emotion? Joy. Happiness. Meeting new friends, traveling, and enjoying a bit of freedom. That’s reflection upon my life; taking a moment to contemplate the events that I’ve partaken in.

Dwelling tends to be a dangerous slope that once started; can result in negative attitudes and a selfish desire to make every idea and concept in the world about ones self. Using myself again, a good example would be December of 2007; during Christmas Eve. I was on Facebook chat with Jo; I had known her for a month at this point, and I was pointing out every doom-and-gloom element of my life. I’m poor, my parents divorced, my girlfriend dumped me, I’m always made fun up, blah…blah…blah…Who did that benefit? Definitely not Jo; looking back I feel very bad for the moment. I can tell that it was focused on the subconscious benefit of myself. By talking poorly of myself, I was able to amplify my ‘importance’ in the conversation, pulling pity, and in turn recognizing that the conversation was solely about me. Dwelling on the past can quickly be brought in contact with selfishness.

At this point I’ve been looking at cat pictures, and fighting with Pandora on good music selection, but I think these musing prove the point. Perhaps if nowhere else, my own life; growing means recognizing what is safe, and what is ill advised.

My only hope is that as the days, weeks, months, and years progress that the memories found in my reflections may be ones that can be viewed, smiled, and remembered in their truth form.

Now…where are those e-mails…

-D- 

Mobile Minutes: Weber Creative Arts


Simply put:

I am amazed at what I found trolling through cyberspace.

This is a true story. While I was in college, K8 and I were good friends, and K8 ran track at the university. One of her friends was Jenny. Jenny and I knew each other through school and athletics, and that was about it. I lost track of Jenny far before I lost track of K8. However, as the Kansas City Shock started to take place, K8 kept talking about a new start up business in Kansas City. Put in motion from Jenny and her husband. We met up, talked shop, just caught up. This was months ago. With the continual success of the Shock, we’ll take publicity just about anywhere we can find it. That’s when K8 and Jenny came up with the idea that we could be the first program to reap the benefits of this new business. Jenny got to work and actually created the crest for the program, the digital flyers for the tournament, and has just been going ‘sandbox mode’ on the company.

It was a few weeks ago that I noticed an adjustment. A new company kept following us and putting up photos and other random ideas. Jenny and her husband had officially launched their own business: Weber Creative Arts. Of course the Shock started promoting them everywhere we could; Twitter, Facebook, word of mouth, even on Google+ now. It’s been a whirlwind of God’s grace. Truly.

Tonight, while just relaxing for a spell; I was browsing Facebook like a good young adult, and that’s when I saw it. Weber Creative had launched a new digital poster; highlighting the Kansas City Shock.

As you can note below, there is no reason not to be shocked. I am very, very fortunate, and very blessed at how God makes so many things come full circle. Be sure and hit up Weber Creative on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+!

-D-

O: 900 Squares


It’s been running through my mind quite a bit frequently; I suppose you could say this another one of my big steps in restoring my life [turns out that like an old car, one never fully restores a life; only when ones life ends has it been truly restored, but I digress], and the concept of moving into an apartment is quite the daunting task. Financially, physically, and emotionally:

  • Financially: For those keeping score, this would be an additional $455 to add to the monthly calculator. Interestingly enough, as I learn, this is about as cheap as it gets around this area. There is a bit of me that is concerned about that monthly fee, but instantly that small amount of wiped away with the simple thought of, “I can afford it”. I’ve ran the numbers with my girlfriend several times, balancing the budget, looking at bills, and if I am self disciplined [go ahead, laugh] not only is it doable, but it is doable and then some. Truly, tell me this; why should a man who has been given everything in a year be worried about affording this? Reality is; I’m blessed to even have the opportunity to go out on my own, without a roommate, relative, or anything else deemed awkward in my mind. He’ll make it work; He always does [and He expects me to be smart with what He has given me].
  • Physically: In the most literal idea; I don’t have much. Aside from the dresser that I’ve had since the mobile home park in ’93, most of my possessions can fit in the back of my truck. I consider myself fortunate to be of this way. Obviously it makes relocating very, very easy. Furthermore, I do not have an issue with getting rid of things I do not need [I hesitate in saying "throw away" because there tends to be better options, sometimes]. I’ll have to figure out new running ideas since I’ll be in an actual city, where people will actually hit you on the road. Along those lines though, I’m closer to food, groceries, affordability, and even the elusive gym that I’ve heard much about. I think it’ll be fascinating to see a layout of a location that is the same size as my parents house, and myself lacking nearly 90% of the materials that they have to fill up that square footage. I’m definitely not saying that I have to find the ‘stuff’ to do it, because ‘stuff’ tends to eventually drive me insane [I hate dusting]. It’s a wonderful mystery to imagine what things and stories will be hauled up the stairs [I'm on the second floor, per request].
  • Emotional: Windows. Carpet. HVAC. All things unfamiliar with my past experience in an apartment. Primarily the windows. This one has two windows and a sliding glass door that goes out onto a small balcony. Light will be plentiful at night as I face the west in this building. To so many these don’t mean much, but personally I cannot express to you how much I want that light. My girlfriend, MC, Jo, K8, everyone will all hint towards the idea that of everything that I didn’t handle well at the apartment down south [where this site was started], it was the lack of natural light. I hated waking up in a bedroom, pitch black, only to find out it was 2:00 PM. It just dragged you down deeper and deeper into depression; this fear of falling into a dark pit that you’d never recover from. There is light in this space, the walls are painted a bright color, not artificial wood paneling. Even without all of my own personal touches throughout the place, it already looks 180 degree different then the previous space. It has hope, it has growth, it has faith.

I’m sure, like any other person, this is a common step in life. Going out, on your own, your first place to call your own [or at least your first bills to deal with on your own]. I’m moving into a city of 75,000 people; no one knows how that is going to bode for myself…or the city. Coffee will be running through this apartment 24/7, and I’m actually going to have a room specifically for an office.

This time around I have no reason or excuse to complain. Simply put, with this step, I’m just blessed. Simply blessed to even have the opportunity. God has been so, so good to me. My never ending, sinful soul didn’t and doesn’t deserve an ounce of faith, but He still loves me; I still am embraced in His grace.

Moving day is next Saturday!

-D-

RECOVERY: cONNECT


con·nect

   [kuh-nekt]  

verb (used with object)

1. to join, link, or fasten together; unite or bind: to connect the

two cities by a bridge; Communication satellites connect the

local stations into a network.

2. to establish communication between; put in communication:

Operator, will you please connect me with Mr. Jones?

3. to have as an accompanying or associated feature:

pleasures connected with music.

4. to cause to be associated, as in a personal or business relationship: 

to connect oneself with a group of like-minded persons; 
Our bank is connected with major foreign banks.

5. to associate mentally or emotionally: She connects all telegrams with bad news.

I am one very arrogant individual [I can hear you nodding your head in agreement to this stated fact]. It isn’t very useful, this arrogance issue, not even in being the owner of a company [a myth that has now been debunked], but it is a haunting feature that follows me throughout my life. Part of the arrogance issue it the mind block that you can do anything and everything on your own, that you don’t need anyone else to assist you…

I’ve got this…

I cannot explain to you how many times, in between making sandwiches and stirring tea pots that during the month of June last year I would walk into the backroom of my little Subway, shaking, and just whisper through the whimpers of my voice,

I’ve got this…

Of course the harsh reality is that I didn’t have it, in fact; I didn’t even have a clue on what was going on, let alone what I was going to do with my life as the roof collapsed and the heart dried up.

History tells us that I wound up moving, relocating to my ‘roots’ after a six year exile. I had to start over, and I started over by doing the one thing that I refused to do while living down south; I connected.

I started to check out businesses, stopping in as a ‘usual’ customer at several stops; most notably the Starbucks in town. I started attending and began to pour time into MoVal, and the byproduct of that was coaching the U-8 Peeps soccer program, in turn being partly what spurned the development of the Kansas City Shock. I didn’t refuse a single opportunity that came my way; I watched soccer games in Columbia, Missouri; Kansas City, Kansas. Met Hope Solo, and wrote reports after reports. I spent hours in Subway’s [still do], and I limit how much time I spend in my own home.

If I connect to as many people as I do via Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn; then why can’t I do the same in real life? What’s more powerful? Technology is always on the hinge of the next great thing, but truthfully it’ll never be as great as communication and connection through ways of the human face. I spent time and money going to the movies, out to eat with friends, and while it wasn’t always the smartest financial choice; I started to fall back in love with the human element.

I was bitter, angry, and spiteful towards humanity; far before the divorce. Bluntly, I had placed myself on a thrown above the rest of humanity [go ahead and laugh], trying to convince myself that I was smarter, more charming, and just overall better than anyone else. I find this mindset ironic considering how much I claimed to be a Christian [Jesus said something about humbling yourself and being last...just saying...]. I was a mess, and I removed myself from humanity.

How can I call myself a follower of Christ, one who can love, one who can demonstrate compassion; if I don’t even interact with God’s creature?

In the past year it’s become evident of how important it is to continue to interact with everyone I come in contact with. Whether that be wisdom from Texas with K8 down south, or flying in from Maryland to take Darco to church, or humoring Dur over a cup of coffee. When you connect, similar to eliminating yourself, you instantly deny yourself of importance. When I’m meeting with anyone, for whatever reason, my life, my excitement, my “story” is all on the back burner. Let’s face it, I know my story, and I’m kind of bored of having only that story in my mind. I want to know the other stories. I want to know about the couple who built a house together, nail by nail. The kid who grew up paying the bills because her parents wouldn’t, and the orphanage in Guatemala that started as a vision in the mind and soul of one man in the sticks of the Great Plains.

Those stories would never be known if I had refused the concept of connecting to the world around me. Furthermore, anyone knows that this past year hasn’t been easy street at all times, there have been several demons that have crept up to mess with me throughout the months, and the true test has been, when the chips are down, when the wallet is empty, do I have the humbleness to lean on those I have connected to? Am I mellow enough to place my pride aside and just say, “I need help?” My record isn’t perfect, and I haven’t scored 100%, but it is getting better.

Throughout this painful, fascinating recovery; without connecting to those around me, discovering a new world untouched, I would have left myself to rot in my own quickly degrading grave.

How beautiful are those who cling onto hope, stretch out their hand, and dare to believe in the impossible.

-D-

X: Engaged


Soooooo….

I’ve had to give myself a few days to figure out the proper procedure for writing precariously about specific topic.

Here we go.

A few nights ago, while attempting to eat a late dinner and enjoy a USA show [Fairly Legal...don't hate...]. It was at the time, while trying to do some book work for my job, that a friend of mine contacted me and we started just a idle little chat. It was a few minutes into the conversation that he asked if I had heard about my ex-wife.

Naturally, legally; I hadn’t heard a thing.

“[Ex-wife] is engaged.”

So maybe I dropped the fork, maybe I paused the television and suddenly lost my appetite. It was incredible how instantaneous the amount of emotions that flooded over my mind, my heart, and in turn my soul. I just had absolutely no idea what to think, primarily because so many thoughts had dived into my brain and like a nasty knot on a flag pole, I was trying to untangle them. Primarily the thoughts went from sorrow, to sadness, to anger, to bitterness, and back again.

Then I told MC [my mistake]. It was her comments, associated with Jim’s that were completely acceptable given the circumstance, but at the same time were an eye opener to myself. They were upset, and in turn started to wonder if my ex-wife had met someone prior to the divorce being finalized.

Note: By no way am I supporting that claim.

I noticed that from that moment, I became extremely irritated. Even at my parents. I mean, come on, if anyone has the ‘right’ to be angry, it was myself. However, in the end she’s still a Christian, right? In the end, I’m still a Christian, right? Therefore, why should conform to the rest of my micro-culture and just be another Christian who dislikes another? How does that make sense, and more importantly, how on earth does that reflect anything that Jesus taught? How can I justify detesting and hating a soul, and at the same time claim that my faith is what makes me who I am? They can’t be blended together.

After speaking to Darco last night over the topic, it came to point of thinking about what if God does great things through my ex-wife and her soon-to-be husband? Why are you to be bitter over the encompassing grace that God does great things through anyone that screws up in life? Additionally, when she left me, my needs were very evident; shelter, job, and a new life. Wouldn’t you know it, God provided all three. Weird, right? At the same time, if I learned anything about my ex-wife, a healthy relationship is so, so vital for her spiritual existence. Would it surprise anyone if God provided her with her needs as well?

God isn’t one dimensional, He doesn’t just take care of my needs; He does it for everyone else. Whether it be K8 with a possible new job, Dur with moving, Darco with a promotion, or even my own insane life. There’s no reason He wouldn’t take care of everyone else that isn’t me or directly associated with my life.

I think this is monumental moment in my life. A period in which I shed off the clothes of selfishness and recognize that yes, God is for me. However, He’s also for the rest of His children.

Even someones future wife.
Even my ex-wife.

At the same time; I do confess that my heart hurt. Selfishly, but it did hurt. Not so much in the fact that my ex-wife so quickly forgot me and moved on. Surprisingly that didn’t even cross my mind. What hurt was seeing someone that could recover so quickly, and get into such a healthy relationships so rapidly. Yet, as embarrassingly as this sounds, I’m still alone. Yes, you do not need to beat into my head that I’m ‘never alone’. However, for all of you married, or who were once married; you know exactly what I’m talking about. That fear that eats at you, that fear I wake up to in the morning that says, “I will be alone for the rest of my life.” And please, don’t give me that, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with being single.” I get it, for some individuals out there, it’s the thing, it’s trendy, it’s like a cosmo with a sweater vest. To them, I say good luck and God bless; be like Paul and enjoy. However, I can also tell you that this was not a heart meant to be left alone. While I acknowledge that God continues to show me the red light towards the idea of a relationship…ever, as it has proven to us historically, not to be healthy.

It still hurts though. Loneliness still hurts.

-D-