I always enjoy going back into the archives to see what I was thinking a year ago; entertainingly it is actually the same exact thing as tonight:
I’m not 100% sure, but sleep isn’t coming to me very easily tonight. I’ve off on my monthly trip to the middle of…nothing, and I should be asleep, getting prepared for a fascinating day tomorrow. However, the physical tiring just isn’t there yet.
From the very beginning of this site; I made it clear that I would always be 100% honest and transparent with the audience [you, the reader] in times of positive and negative. For example; though I brushed off what went on last week; truth is…I haven’t slept well since last Sunday. No clue why, but even though I wasn’t directly involved or near the events that transpired, just knowing where I was supposed to be, how the scenario could have played out, and by the emotional state of those who are close to me…it actually shook me up. Maybe I’m just getting older, but realistically I was scared until I was back into my apartment back home. That’s the honesty that I’m aiming for; including last weekend’s note about being divorced and living with that realization and the consequences that come with it.
So, along with that ongoing theme, honesty, I’m going to sidetrack from the despair and sorrow, ignore the soccer, and approach a very…very…delicate topic:
Realistically that was a term that two years ago I would have never considered speaking again; at least in direct relation to myself. Many pages in this exact website outlined the reasons why I wouldn’t consider it, the pity party, the sorrow, the late nights, and the horrors that really was my past life.
However, part of the unique structure of this website wasn’t just to explore the background of my life, but to also show the present, and think about the future. From our past we’re able to lay a foundation, from the present we explore new identities that will later describe our future. Sometimes I think that I got so wrapped up in the past that I forgot what my own future could hold; outside of just the soccer field and the sandwich store.
Would I ever obtain a new job? Would I advance within the company? Those are questions I’ve never really explored before; my current job is such a blessing I couldn’t think past it, especially with spinning off the Kansas City Shock, but what does lie down the road? I don’t envision cutting checks for myself with the Shock anytime soon. Will I keep my pattern, or change things up? I just find it interesting that up until this past week I hadn’t even considered what else could be out there.
What about the team? Oh my gosh, I have no idea. That Kansas City Shock is a dream…a literal dream. It doesn’t even comprehend with me the absolute amazement of watching that program grow and blossom. There’s so much to do still, but man…what a story so far. Even last week in Boston, talking to the general manager for a National Women’s Soccer League team out there, the commissioner for the league, etc…it’s just insane, and the back story. I mean, come on, a group of individuals with a similar dream striving to succeed with it. People from every walk of life, losing sleep, time, and patience to follow a collective dream. You don’t get too many of those stories anymore. I cannot for the life of me imagine my life without such an incredible plot line; a complete blessing.
Job. Soccer. Life. Church. Change. Seasons. Family? I told my girlfriend, even before we started dating, that I date with the intent to marry; that’s it, no exceptions. She took hold of that notion with a death grip and will not let go. There isn’t enough time or space to type out all of the incredible examples, but there is one word that perfectly describes the overall sensation:
She is faithful, loyal, and forgiving. She tolerates so much from me that it is humbling. There’s constant chatter of marriage, colors, weddings, rings, honeymoons, and everything else under the sun. Make no mistake; those conversations take place on nearly a daily basis. At first, I wasn’t fond of it. Call it aching scars, but I just wasn’t thrilled with the concept. Now though? I can’t imagine anything different. Don’t worry reader; you will get your happy ending to this story…eventually [can't give away all the spoilers, can I]. It’s so refreshing; part of the thing that I love about this relationship is that we see each other nearly every day, and when we don’t [like right now due to business, and last week due to Boston] it hurts. Call me a sap, but it hurts being away from her. We drive each other insane…I mean insane [along with our friends], but man…life without her? Impossible. Even today, now that our TV is up and functioning [give it up for HDMI cables] I invited Jim and MC to our apartment for the Sporting game and dinner. While it is an openly known reality that my girlfriend and I do not live with each other, we’re always in the same apartment [which I just renewed for another nine months...hehe], going over the same paperwork, looking over each others finances, and testing new cooking methods. I trust her 100% with my life, and that is something that I cannot honestly tell you I did with my ex-wife; nothing against her, I was just that prideful. It’s nice being open and honest with my girlfriend; sometimes it’s painfully honest, but the rewarding feeling afterwards is so refreshing. To know that I’m one jacked up soul and yet this precious creature still loves me unconditionally…man…I was missing out! I can’t express to you with enough words the absolute joy of knowing that there is a soul out there…that without them by your side…you’d struggle to exist.
I think I’ll just leave this post like that. There is life outside of soccer, there life outside of work, outside of travel, and most definitely outside of your past.
Sometimes your life is simply written on the side a hot mocha.