XXXI: Released


It was tiny.
Dainty.
Quaint.
Dark.

It held one bathroom, two bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen/dining area. There was one window that peered above the bed, it nearly two feet tall and it was the only source of sunlight in the entire building. The carpet was thin, and was anchored directly the concrete slab that had been poured. The kitchen had a fake plastic cover along the floor, there was a partially operating air conditioning window unit that also doubled as a heater in the winter. All the rooms were covered in artificial wood paneling easily from the ’70’s area.

It was tiny.
Dainty.
Quaint.
Dark.

I never slept well during the night in this small living compartment. Most night I would spend online in the second bedroom that had been turned into an ‘office’. I’d work on applications for high school teaching positions, and randomly Skype individuals who were also up at that time at night. At the same time my wife at the time would sleep in the bedroom. I’d crawl into bed around 3:00 AM, and try to sleep through the distractions until she got up for the day (usually around 6:00 AM), and then I’d sleep until noon or 1:00 PM in the afternoon. My life revolved around that small apartment. I didn’t see sunlight very often for the first six months, and frequently slept on the couch.

It’s startling to believe that, that experience was nearly four years ago. I remember the sheer joy I felt the day I left that apartment for good, packed up with MC and Jim, I was released from a prison that I had created for myself.

I’m not really sure why I’m reflecting on the memory, aside from the fact that some of the medicine I’m taking for this recent bug has caused me to be extremely restless for about thirty minutes after ingesting the pill (who knew). Darco is quietly sleeping in our bedroom as she’ll be getting up around 4:00 AM to get ready for work, and I’ll head back in after finishing this and get a good nights rest prior to heading back to work tomorrow. I still probably won’t enter the track again until Friday, just one day in the real world again is enough to drain me, I’ve learned this from previous experiences.

Something about being sick causes you to reflect. I contribute that to the drugs and the insane amount of free time that you find yourself having in the middle of the afternoon, sweat pouring off your face, and wondering if the world is still moving without you. It’s one of the first times in quite some time that I’ve taken time to just reflect and overall compartmentalize life as I know it. As I frequently joke with Darco, I’ve already lived three lifetimes already, so that’s a lot of memories that have to be sorted through, compared, and analyzed.

I’m peering out my living room window, watching the night pass, as I write this. I think back to quick engagements, steady faith, marriage, and everything that’s accumulated to the point that brings us to now. Darco and I had a very, very unique conversation today; tying back into “XXXI”, and some of the goals that we’re striving for. From cooking at home to other more extreme discussions, we’ve had several of them as of lately. We’ve grown weary and tired of the town that we’re currently living in, I’m pushing myself harder each day physically, and life is just changing. I’m noticing in the realm of, “I want to do this, this, and this…” no longer appropriately describes my existence.

My life is less cluttered and more structured:
-Faith
-Family
-Work
-Running

That’s it. I’m no longer interested in obtaining five million different ideas, concepts, or creations. I love my job, I love getting lost in cyberspace, and I love producing results. I’m growing more and more in love with the church that Darco and I attend, we’re part of a weekly church planting group that meets on Thursday nights, and I can’t express how much of a blessing they’ve already been. MC and Jim continue to churn through their own lives, while ensuring that we survive ours as well. Jim was recently offered a full time job at a local school district, and that in itself brought a lot of ease to the family. Some days I firmly believe that Darco is a bigger blessing to me compared to myself with her. I learn something new about her each and every day, and how she isn’t afraid to try new things. Just because an individual lived a sheltered life, doesn’t mean that they fear adventure.

Finally, there’s something about those shoes. A pair of shorts, a pair of shoes, my sunglasses, and I”m good to go. Whether it’s a few miles, a mile, a time trial, sprints, or whatever the case may be…I’m not even close to perfect, but nothing feels greater compared to moving in stride with my soul.

Faith, family, work, and running…they’re all connected to one another. Each is required to ensure that the other remains. Those are all four things I was drastically missing inside that small apartment four years ago. They are all four things that I’ll forever cherish close to my heart.

-D-

XXXI: Imaginative Epic Monologues


*tap, tap, tap…*

I’m supposed to type something here. I have plenty of random, worthless thoughts in my head but getting them organized to type is rather challenging I’m learning.

This week has been some funky, hazy experience of…well…I’m not really sure. From nightmares including astronauts exploding and having my eyes cut out with razor blades, to running to the point that my feet go numb (we’re sure that’s not normal) I’ve actually had a difficult time of separating reality from illusions of mental games.

Does that make sense? Continue reading

XXXI: Watching Space


You’re losing weight…you don’t stick out as much…

I love my wife, whether her comment above hurt or not, I still love her dearly. Perhaps it is because I’m a male that I have a fixation on the physical elements of life. Fitness, health, and the body. Nothing scientific, just the measuring point of where I stand in life. Honestly, I feel like my life has revolved around the physical glimpses of life as I’ve progressed through time. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Too Fast


I’m still recovering…

I started the 1600 meter way too fast on the first lap, I was dying by the third, and going insane on the fourth. I finished with a time that’s better versus where it has been (near a six minute drop since May). It isn’t good enough by any means, but it is progress.

More importantly though was the questions I fielded from Darco afterwards while I was working on a post-run snack. The questions showed me that she saw that I was serious about this two year commitment (I even turned down an opportunity for ice cream tonight). It makes me happy knowing that she saw through those four laps that I am completely insane, but I’m also completely dedicated.

God made me to run, and we’re going to show the world that.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: One More…


One more full day.
One more Monday.
One more 24 hour cycle.

Then, it gets real.

I’m overly excited about July 1, 2014. There’s a lot going on mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can easily say that the next chapter of FilingThePapers has definitely had a considerate amount of prayer infused into its unique workings and structure. There’s just a cool element that’s never been taken into consideration through the growth of the writing content of this website, blog, personal journal, etc…

Who knows, perhaps to the reader it really won’t matter much. It may become a bit cliche for some, but that’s alright. In the beginning FilingThePapers was merely an illustration of the journey of divorce. The pain, frustration, and overall hopelessness that comes with it. It’s matured as the years have passed, and I’m grateful for that. I suppose where the first three chapters have focused strongly on the external world around me, and learning to adapt to an ever evolving environment; the fourth chapter is going deep into the internal workings of mind, body, and soul. The hard questions get asked, and more importantly, the limits will be pushed. Where the term self-discipline was mentioned in the past three chapters, it becomes a building block of the fourth.

I can’t sleep at the moment because I’ve drank WAY too much coffee this evening (Tornado Warning and all that fun stuff), and because I’m very, very excited about the upcoming adventure. I’ve never been a person to plot out the journey of life, to meditate, pray, and focus on God’s voice rather than my own. Just the honest truth, that’s what makes the fourth chapter so exciting.

Grabbing Darco's phone because mine was dead...

There was a Tornado Warning issued with this one.

It’s no longer solely about the life that I live, but instead aims at demonstrating a mission that God controls.

-D-

XO: Finally


I think this’ll most likely be the last “XO” post at http://www.filingthepapers.com. I can firmly able to say that I’m ready to see “XO” fade off into the sunset (or tragically burn in a fire…either really works).

FilingThePapers is finally clean again; the months entries have been organized for the most part. There are five days left until the next chapter is ready to launch, so please excuse if the site goes down, disappears, has spelling errors, or posts random photos of the “dark one”. Continue reading