XXXI: Broken Judgemental Hearts

Tonight, with the internet finally running, I was planning on giving some details into the moving process that Darco and I just went through over the past week. However, something took place this evening that gripped my heart to the point that even the joys of moving cannot trump such an event.

I am an awkward individual. How I walk, talk, and even write, so please bare with me if something just seems…well…awkward.

This is new territory for me.

Darco and I were visiting with a family member of whom we love dearly. It’d be months since we had seen them, and Darco took some time to ensure that they saw our new living arrangement. When I got home from work (and later running), we chatted, ate, and just had a fun time sharing stories of the oddities that we conclude are indeed our lives.

Towards the end of the evening, they began to prepare to leave. It was about that time that Darco looked at them, and simply asked, “Well, aren’t you going to tell him?” I, stuffing myself with food, was curious as to what the conversation was about. I noted that they were holding a artistic illustration of a name that I assumed was associated with them.

They started to giggle.
They started to avoid.
They stated, “He’ll make fun of me”.
They said, “He won’t like it”.

It was about that time, thank you education world, that I started putting the pieces together. Our loved one is holding onto a drawing of someone’s specific name. They’re laughing, making comments such as, “But, we’re not yet, so I can’t say it…”

That’s when something came out along the lines of, “She’s not my girlfriend…officially…yet.”

In one unique way, or another…a child (younger than me) who I love dearly, frankly (to put into awkward, politically correct terminology) came out of the closet tonight.

My heart shattered.

Not because of the desire of the wanted love, relationship, etc…
Not because I was so disappointed in their “LIFE CHOICES”…

Because they were afraid of my reaction.
Because, somewhere, they were afraid of judgement.
Because I go to church. Because I’m the Christian. Because somewhere, somehow there’s this disillusion that I’m inherently going to condemn anyone who is gay, anyone who is a Democrat, anyone who votes wrong, anyone…well…period.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m spiteful.

That reaction, that reaction is exactly why I struggled in college. I didn’t want to be grouped, I didn’t want to be identified as “judgemental”. I look at Christ and the only judgement I see from Him tends to be towards religious hypocrites. If I’m to be Christ-like then how on earth could I justify that kind of condemnation towards a soul that I love dearly?

It makes no sense.

It’s an everyday reality.

This is what makes my blood boil. When Christian’s cause more damage for God’s kingdom compared to the glory that we’re to bring God. It makes me angry, a righteous zeal towards the religious elite. These are those moments when I’m happy that I’m divorced, that I’m a failure, that I’ve caused so much pain for my God. Because I’m able to look at the rest of the world and realize there isn’t a inch of my body that could justifiably be placed higher than any other human.

My life is forced humility. How could I dare bring myself to judge? What has that young child witnessed that’d cause them to ‘joke’ about being looked at differently because of a choice they’ve made? Where does it say Jesus would do that?!?! Where would it say my loving, caring Father would treat His own in that nature!?!?

Show me in the red text.
Show me the verse.
Show me where my God gave up.
Show me when my Savior told me to condemn those who are looking for hope.

Until I see that…
Until I hear His voice saying that…

I will love those closest to me. I will care for those who fear the rejection. I will house the lost.

I. Was. No. Different.


Mobile Minutes: Odd Flavors of Dreams

I just woke up. I had been asleep solid for six hours, that’s pretty good in my book.

Being trapped in a nightmare the whole time? Not so much.

Of all random dreams; one’s involving an ex-wife are just strange in today’s world.

Being on some mission trip with one and their spouse? Even stranger.

That was my nightmare. Along with being told by the spouse why I need to forgive, accept responsibility, and move forward in life.

You know the best part of that nightmare? Selfishly? Darco was in that nightmare, and she was gorgeous.

Waking up to her silent, sleepy body has never felt so nice.

I’m going back to bed now.


XXXI: Twice As Nice

Waking up August 2nd continues to put a smile on my face. Four years ago it was because I was starting a new job, a new life, all in a new city.

Kind of hard to imagine, at that time, anything in life that could surpass that type of anniversary.

A wedding will easily trump that. Perhaps I’m finally getting old, but it’s hard to believe that Darco and I have known each other for 3 1/2 years, have been together for 3 years, and now officially married for 2 years.

I appreciate the fact that there’s still so much to learn about one another; that learning process never stops. At the same time watching our growth as individuals and as a couple has been fascinating.

Yesterday was calm and quiet. It revolved around our house church group and planning the future. Relocating to the city, selling vehicles, etc…we can’t deny the reality that we’re adults doing “adult things” (Darco embraces that truth far better compared to myself).

Either way, here’s to another year of adventures, stories, and memories. Make no mistake, even through the chaos of our lives, in the end I can look at my wife and acknowledge how beautifully blessed I am.


Note: Anniversary cake two years in the freezer...not so much.


XXXI: Achievement Unlocked

In a few days I’ll be embarking on a mission trip to the southern tip of the state of Missouri, referred to frequently as the “bootheel” (and spoken as ‘boothill’). There I’ll be partaking in some activities with the local community, hanging out with kids, a little painting, and all sorts of other random goodies.

I’m rather excited about this trip because it’s my first with the church family that Darco and I spend time with throughout the week. Additionally though, I’m really, really excited because it’s my first mission trip with my wife. Continue reading


A simple thing that I absolutely love:

Friday night tends to be pretty strange. Darco is in bed by 8:30PM due to leaving for work at 4:00AM, and I tend to have very late workout sessions to unwind from the workweek.

Truly, there is nothing sweeter to me than being able to see my wife fast asleep, tuck the covers in around her, and kiss her on her forehead without waking her up.

Those split second moments are what I’ve learned to cherish in this life.


XXXI: Lost It

I threw the water bottle down on the ground…
I kicked my bag into the closet…
I tapped my inner-middle school student and had an untimely meltdown tonight. Stress that I’d kept in just erupted into a tantrum that’d make a five year old blush.
I was tired, angry, and felt that no one was listening.
Praise God, Darco exists. She walked up to me, grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes and slowly, calmly said…

You are tired. You are angry. Calm down and come to bed.

I obeyed. Shaking, breathing heavy, but the gentleness of that soul was enough to bring me down off the tirade.
The explosion stems from the mass amount of stress at work that I can’t show to the students. They don’t deserve that. It comes from knee pain from running. It comes from going three days in a row from 5:30 AM to 11:30 PM. It comes from only seeing Darco while we’re both awake this week for a grand total of six hours.

With a deep breath, I’ll try to calm my soul to rest…