XXXI: Hang Up & Talk


Growing up in a digital age, I can’t believe that even I’m to the point of disconnecting from our own, manmade cyber world.


Perhaps I’m the youngest one in this age,
The idea of hanging up, putting away the prepay
Unwinding fingertips crippled by chronic keyboards,
Typing away each final breath.

Maybe I’m alone,
This new advocacy for self-help in a digital plain,
Deleted, rewriting, and disconnecting ones image,
Easing away the physical pain

I ponder the amount of dates gone by,
Talking to him across tabletops,
Screens rolling past his vacant eyes,

How many times has he whispered to her,
In the midnights twilight,
Understanding she heard nothing,
Except the comedy routine from YouTube’s limelight

Twisted, dark deceptive life
Full of zeros and ones,
A binary cry,
Calculated cost of communication cut short,
We cut the cord,
But we never hung up

Curious cursors cruise across screens,
Imaging imaginary ideas,
Reality no longer desirable,
Photoshop, ragtag pieces of former cut, cropped, cropped tops,
Litter to the mind

Days erased and night now rotten,
Glassy eyed empty souls,
Twisted membranes of cellular display,
Underline the world lost,
The love forgotten.

Unplug the warped reality,
A cyber crime unwinding in the minds eye,
Take up a natural life,
Block out the screen,
Turn off the lie.

-D-

XXXI:Taste & See


It’s all because of Facebook and its memory feature. It, in some ways, can be that painstaking reminder of the life that you left and the life that you’ve currently chosen to live.

Curious of the random image from five years ago that came across my social feed; Darco and I dived deeper into the world of a time when we didn’t know one another. Through the past posts of five, ten years went by. Resulting in at least one prior post on this day from FilingThePapers.

The story revolves around one of my journey’s with Subway. I traveled deep into the southern part of our region. I went back into the town that I called home during college and enjoyed sushi for the first time since my divorce earlier that year. There’s so much to be thankful for, as illustrated in the post.

However the writing of the past doesn’t even compare to the undeserving manner that my soul currently resides in; in this strange euphoric realm that allegedly is referred to as ‘life’.

As strange as it sounds, I try earnestly to forget the world that once was. I purposefully try to forget about people, events, actions of the past in hopes of allowing scars to become hidden. I love waking up in the morning, forgetting that I’m divorced, that I had a life before this one. I’m not sure if that’s the Christ-like attitude to have, but the present is so much clearer, wonderful, and truth-be-told it’s so, so much sweeter.

I wrote in that post, from four years ago, a simple verse that I recalled at the time of biting into the most emotional piece of sushi ever…

Taste and see that the Lord is good…
-Psalm 34:8

Jobs have come and gone, apartments have disappeared with friendships, and lifelong connections have grown like the licking flames in this evening’s fireplace.

I have tasted.

He is so good.

Darco and I sat on our living room couch tonight, staring at our fireplace while the cats laid in front of the mantel. Toasty, warm, and safe. It was one of those moments where words weren’t even required, because everyone was at peace within the house. Last night Darco and I spoke more about the fact that there’s nothing deserving in the lives of ourselves that should allow us to be in this house. There’s no reason that we should enjoy a fireplace at night and the country sun during the morning. She shouldn’t have an amazing job that she loves in the coffee shop, and I shouldn’t be able to enjoy walking into a classroom every day.

Too many times we stare into each other’s eyes wondering whose lives we’ve taken over. I was alone and she was lost; how did we come to this moment?

There’s no equation, logic, or solid answer. It’s only God. How on earth could I stand before the multitudes and foolishly try to answer with any other key? How could I state that my hard work has equalled this moment of tranquility? I can’t!

Whether it’s sushi from four years ago, or a fireplace tonight, I will never be able to express how glorious my God truly is.

-D-

 

XXXI: Broken Judgemental Hearts


Tonight, with the internet finally running, I was planning on giving some details into the moving process that Darco and I just went through over the past week. However, something took place this evening that gripped my heart to the point that even the joys of moving cannot trump such an event.

I am an awkward individual. How I walk, talk, and even write, so please bare with me if something just seems…well…awkward.

This is new territory for me.

Darco and I were visiting with a family member of whom we love dearly. It’d be months since we had seen them, and Darco took some time to ensure that they saw our new living arrangement. When I got home from work (and later running), we chatted, ate, and just had a fun time sharing stories of the oddities that we conclude are indeed our lives.

Towards the end of the evening, they began to prepare to leave. It was about that time that Darco looked at them, and simply asked, “Well, aren’t you going to tell him?” I, stuffing myself with food, was curious as to what the conversation was about. I noted that they were holding a artistic illustration of a name that I assumed was associated with them.

They started to giggle.
They started to avoid.
They stated, “He’ll make fun of me”.
They said, “He won’t like it”.

It was about that time, thank you education world, that I started putting the pieces together. Our loved one is holding onto a drawing of someone’s specific name. They’re laughing, making comments such as, “But, we’re not yet, so I can’t say it…”

That’s when something came out along the lines of, “She’s not my girlfriend…officially…yet.”

In one unique way, or another…a child (younger than me) who I love dearly, frankly (to put into awkward, politically correct terminology) came out of the closet tonight.

My heart shattered.

Not because of the desire of the wanted love, relationship, etc…
Not because I was so disappointed in their “LIFE CHOICES”…

Because they were afraid of my reaction.
Because, somewhere, they were afraid of judgement.
Because I go to church. Because I’m the Christian. Because somewhere, somehow there’s this disillusion that I’m inherently going to condemn anyone who is gay, anyone who is a Democrat, anyone who votes wrong, anyone…well…period.

I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m spiteful.

That reaction, that reaction is exactly why I struggled in college. I didn’t want to be grouped, I didn’t want to be identified as “judgemental”. I look at Christ and the only judgement I see from Him tends to be towards religious hypocrites. If I’m to be Christ-like then how on earth could I justify that kind of condemnation towards a soul that I love dearly?

It makes no sense.

It’s an everyday reality.

This is what makes my blood boil. When Christian’s cause more damage for God’s kingdom compared to the glory that we’re to bring God. It makes me angry, a righteous zeal towards the religious elite. These are those moments when I’m happy that I’m divorced, that I’m a failure, that I’ve caused so much pain for my God. Because I’m able to look at the rest of the world and realize there isn’t a inch of my body that could justifiably be placed higher than any other human.

My life is forced humility. How could I dare bring myself to judge? What has that young child witnessed that’d cause them to ‘joke’ about being looked at differently because of a choice they’ve made? Where does it say Jesus would do that?!?! Where would it say my loving, caring Father would treat His own in that nature!?!?

Show me in the red text.
Show me the verse.
Show me where my God gave up.
Show me when my Savior told me to condemn those who are looking for hope.

Until I see that…
Until I hear His voice saying that…

I will love those closest to me. I will care for those who fear the rejection. I will house the lost.

I. Was. No. Different.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Odd Flavors of Dreams


I just woke up. I had been asleep solid for six hours, that’s pretty good in my book.

Being trapped in a nightmare the whole time? Not so much.

Of all random dreams; one’s involving an ex-wife are just strange in today’s world.

Being on some mission trip with one and their spouse? Even stranger.

That was my nightmare. Along with being told by the spouse why I need to forgive, accept responsibility, and move forward in life.

You know the best part of that nightmare? Selfishly? Darco was in that nightmare, and she was gorgeous.

Waking up to her silent, sleepy body has never felt so nice.

I’m going back to bed now.

-D-

XXXI: Twice As Nice


Waking up August 2nd continues to put a smile on my face. Four years ago it was because I was starting a new job, a new life, all in a new city.

Kind of hard to imagine, at that time, anything in life that could surpass that type of anniversary.

A wedding will easily trump that. Perhaps I’m finally getting old, but it’s hard to believe that Darco and I have known each other for 3 1/2 years, have been together for 3 years, and now officially married for 2 years.

I appreciate the fact that there’s still so much to learn about one another; that learning process never stops. At the same time watching our growth as individuals and as a couple has been fascinating.

Yesterday was calm and quiet. It revolved around our house church group and planning the future. Relocating to the city, selling vehicles, etc…we can’t deny the reality that we’re adults doing “adult things” (Darco embraces that truth far better compared to myself).

Either way, here’s to another year of adventures, stories, and memories. Make no mistake, even through the chaos of our lives, in the end I can look at my wife and acknowledge how beautifully blessed I am.

image

Note: Anniversary cake two years in the freezer...not so much.

-D-

XXXI: Achievement Unlocked


In a few days I’ll be embarking on a mission trip to the southern tip of the state of Missouri, referred to frequently as the “bootheel” (and spoken as ‘boothill’). There I’ll be partaking in some activities with the local community, hanging out with kids, a little painting, and all sorts of other random goodies.

I’m rather excited about this trip because it’s my first with the church family that Darco and I spend time with throughout the week. Additionally though, I’m really, really excited because it’s my first mission trip with my wife. Continue reading