Mobile Minutes: Feet Out


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Only part of me you can make out...the white legs

This is my morning. On the constant agreement to only take one vehicle into the city I was blessed with traveling with Darco to her job…at 4:00 AM this morning. I had a doctor’s appointment at 9:45, so couldn’t justify added travel expenses. So…outside her store you could see my feet sticking out the car window and I peacefully slept in the car for another three hours.

It’s at least a good spring break story.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Disturbed Scars


Ever have a scar that begins to ache (weather change, too cold, etc…)?

Tonight I was digitally encouraged by Darco to begin a daily devotion (seven days) on marriage and commitment.

“No big deal”, I thought as I accessed the piece. First came scripture talking about one man and one woman equalling one flesh together.

“I got this”, I thought as I cruised through the plan. I accidentally got our of the application on my phone, so without thought I started digging for the plan again. When I had landed on the right page I saw a plan above the one I was working on…

Marriage: Infidelity Crisis

That’s all it took.

I logged out as fast as I could.

My mind was smacked with memories and moments from four years ago, nearly to the date when my wife-at-the-time attempted to go to marital counseling without informing me. I still remember the shaking legs, elevated heartbeat, wanting to be at my parents house while realizing I was trapped at her family’s house. I remember my brain being fuzzy, ears ringing, and a lump in my throat.

All of that, rushing back, from a stupid title.

My scars still ache.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Marital Bliss


I fell asleep five times heading to work this morning.

That’s a sad, scary and true statement. While I’ve been slowly recovering from whatever crud invaded my body, it’s taken a huge toll on the amount of energy that I have (also, my voice sounds like something out some apocalyptic depiction of hell). This whole week has been a wreck because of the illness, and I hope between writing some papers and working on a project, that I can recover some over the weekend.

That was my thought until about 12:30 PM this afternoon when I received a message from Darco…

I’m heading home early. When do you think you’ll be home?

Now, my wife is a working machine. She loves her job. If she lost an arm she would simply reply, “I can still pull the steam lever with the good one”. That’s how much she enjoys where she works, so if she’s ever going home early something is seriously wrong.

I came home to a crying wife with a thermometer in her hand that read “99.7°F” and beat red in her face.

My wife is now sick.

So, after a week of taking care of me, she’s now in bed for the next few days. The cat (AKA the dark one) is spazzing because a cat in heat is outside of our apartment, and I can barely keep my eyes open while typing this. This is on top of finding out that we were out of bottled water, Kleenax, and toilet paper. The laundry is piled up, dishes are dirty, floors need vacuumed, and truthfully we’re all just a nasty, sweat, hot mess.

Much of me is irritated at the reality that we’re in a mess, and it’s going to take a while to catch up on everything (except our cartoons). The other part of me though, as sadistic as it sounds, is so happy that in these moments I have a wife who takes care of me, and on the off occasion I can take care of as well.

-D-

XXXI: Time Travel


The weeks are beginning to blur together. Occasionally I’m beginning to hear, “Don’t burn yourself out”, and there have been a few days in the past two weeks that Darco and I have seen each other awake for a total of two hours in one day.

I suppose this is what it means to be working in your 20’s. The scary part that I’m beginning to notice is that when you’re in a job that you love, and I mean love, you tend to get so wrapped up in it that it can consume your day (and night). Insanely, this applies to myself and Darco. In her case it’s all about Starbucks. The kid lives, breathes, and owns* Starbucks. She’s currently an Assistant Store Manager, but we just learned her meeting in March will determine if she’s ready to move to a full time store manager position. I love hearing stories about her day, and how so many store managers throughout her district ask about her, and how in some cases she’s even becoming the model ‘trainee’ when working towards running one’s own store. I’ll never tell my students, but in many ways she’s the exact example of why people can be very successful even without wasting…spending time in college. Continue reading

XXXI: Keeping Up


Wake up.

I have thirty minutes on the clock.
Grab my pants, where’s the shirt for today? Socks? Got ‘em.
Start the shower, will the water warm up any faster?
Wake up, let’s do this.
Don’t stand under the water, you’ll waste time.
Get dry. Remember pants and shirt on first, socks last, otherwise you’ll be tempted to stay seated on the bed.
Contacts? Those’ll be last, let’s get the water boiling. 5 tablespoons of coffee, cup is clean.
That cat has got to stop messing with my shoe strings while I’m trying to tie them.
Pour the water, set the timer for six minutes. Do I have my lunch ready? Where’s the bowl for breakfast?
Thank goodness that granola was made.
Grab the coat. Shut off the bedroom light. Section one cleared.
Contacts in. Shut the bathroom light. Section two cleared.
Coffee is ready. We need more sugar. Is that almond milk still good?
Bag? Check.
Coat? Check.
Keys? Check.
Phone? Check.
Cereal? Yep, with coffee.
House lights are turned off. Section three cleared.

Almost word-for-word these are the thoughts that stream through my mind Monday through Friday each week. It’s quite literally non-stop fun waking up and getting ready without running into any problems. That being said, by the time it is all said and done, Saturday is the first time that I decide to try to breathe. I’ll claim the card of just getting older, but this past week absolutely exhausted me and pushed me to a level of stress that I hadn’t witnessed in some time. It was a blend of work related stuff, and stuff outside of work. I added to my load this week by starting a college course through the University of Phoenix. It’s my first class that could be counted as a Master’s level class, but so far it hasn’t proven to be much more than reading and discussing theories of classroom organization. That shouldn’t come as much of a shock, but I’m still happy that I’m able to take the class (and thanks to Darco’s job, we were able to pay for it upfront in full). The passing completion of that class will result in my teaching license being reinstated, something that I can wholeheartedly say I’m dying to achieve. Even without an actual classroom, I feel so inadequate roaming the halls of the school being asked by students if I’m something that I’m not. The downside of course is the additional amount of time being consumed to ensure that I do complete the class…correctly.

From there, there’s an added element of my body. While I am losing weight (again), my legs aren’t doing everything that I’d like them to be doing. Most notably problems in my knees and still in my Achilles. I’m praying for an opportunity to try a spine and joint center in the city that specializes in working with runners. If it’s not my shoes that are causing this, I’ll be very curious as to what they end up finding. I’m still running and training, but my workload on my feet is very, very light. It’s not worth making problems worse just because I’m stubborn.

Outside of work and running is church (not always in that order). Darco and I continue to spend time at a ‘home church’ on Thursday nights, soon to be changing to Sunday nights, and personally it isn’t easy. There are so many things I’ve developed horrible habits of being uncomfortable with and they’re all coming out at once. I’m not keen on physical touch, aside from Darco, from anyone. I still struggle working with very small children, and pregnancy still makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is just honesty coming out, not acknowledging that any of it is necessarily bad. I suppose the reality is that I need to grow up and be like everyone else. Eventually I have to accept the idea of the same job for 20+ years, I have to accept the average family size, the mortgages, and everything that comes along with it. Truthfully, I’m still denying it as if it were some form of plague. Perhaps it’s just the sinful nature of my soul, but I still have zero desire to follow through with all this notions that people point out as joyful and wonderful. I suppose I’m still selfish, but there isn’t even a stirring in my soul of, “Oh, this will be so fun.” I’m still thinking of running, work, and honestly…just being married.

Fear. I’ve been trying to fully comprehend and handle fear. Understand the death, destruction, second coming, and everything in between doesn’t bother me. There really is very little out there in this world that I fear. I’ve just about failed at everything I’ve been a part of, so the world isn’t nearly as scary now. With that said, there’s still one thing that burns in my heart as an absolute terror. I’m terrified that my wife will leave me. I’m scared that one disagreement, one argument, one forgotten date, failed objective (cooking, cleaning, etc…) will result in her packing up and never returning. Does Darco ever act like that? Absolutely not, but when dealing with stress from the week, it just eats at me. I think back to false promises, storybook thoughts, and tragic endings. My mind reverts back to a time of chaos and isolation. Thunderstorms, softball, and crying myself to sleep. I still remember it all like a permanent scar. Darco knows this, and she always reminds me that it’ll never happen. Frankly, I don’t see how people can be divorced, be left, and then just play it off as if nothing tragic happened in their life. It’s my fear, my terror, it’s what keeps me up at night. If I’m not perfect, if I don’t fix every problem, my wife will leave me. If I screw up the financials and miss a bill, my wife will leave me. If I get onto her about sleeping too long, or something along those lines, my wife will leave me. I’ve concluded, through the stupidity in my head, that this will forever be the curse that I’ll have to live with.

There’s a lot on my plate in the mornings, several thoughts streaming through my mind. The weeks are long, but most of the time they’re fun, I just wish I was a better person.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Numb Death


Death.
The context of it didn’t mean much to me growing up. I accepted the idea of death, but an individual dying didn’t play at my heart strings.

Truly, honestly it was until finding out this morning that a former supervisor (and a current friend) lost their spouse, that the truth of death really set in.

Finding the news made my heart hurt. I put Darco in the scenario, and the imaginary trip from that was enough to force me from bed to locate food.

It hurts. Death hurts when you embrace love. As a Christian I can speak of the peace associated with the first death, but as a human the reality is still haunting.

I’m going to squeeze Darco a little tighter tonight, and keep praying for my friend. I suppose all of this reminds me that I’m getting a little older, and my heart is finally getting a little softer.

-D-