Sometimes, humorously and selfishly, I wonder if the preacher at MoVal reads my account prior to his sermon (this is a joke of course).
Checking out Matthew 5:
“The poor in spirit are blessed, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Those who mourn are blessed, for they will be comforted.”
Yes, this is currently going on.
-D-
Our pastor at MoVal has some inalienable truths:
1. God is real
2. Duck Dynasty is a tool of His
3. Raccoon trapping is a form of worship
We’re close on truths:
1. God is real
2. Soccer is a tool of His
3. BBQ is a form of worship
Saturday I had a great pleasure. I put my work clothes away, hung up my Kansas City Shock jacket, and headed out for the day. Allow me to introduce you to “8 bit BBQ”:
Boom baby
“8 bit” consists of my friend, Sam, and his friends from Kansas City. Nerds, science, and sauce. Behold: “8 bit BBQ”. They were involved in the 18th annual Platte City BBQ Contest. They were one of 52 teams (and easily the youngest in that mix of hillbilly deluxe) with entries in chicken, pork, pork ribs, and brisket (dessert optional, but only cheesecake wins).
Burnt Ends: Kansas City Style
Thanks to Jim and MC, I love BBQ. Not just eating it, but the gift of it (Jim is a natural). So, I spent all day in beautiful weather, outside, down the road from a very work invested area just enjoying BBQ, family, and friends. It was relaxing (aside from plating) and fun. I chilled for four guys my age, similar stresses, similar backgrounds, and for a few hours yesterday…I was just a 25 year old guy. How’d the event end? With a 4th place in ribs (hot dang, top photo here) and the results of Sam’s parents ‘beer run’.
Boulevard Win
It. Was. Fun.
I. Had. Fun.
Spiritual ramifications from the day? Yes. Plenty. Why am I getting my praise on?
1. BBQ was good
2. Boulevard was cold
3. God is good
That’s a day of peace.
-D-
It’s always enjoyable knowing that nothing but strange things tend to take place at coffee shops.
Tonight was no different.
While making repairs to my laptop [it was due up for some spring cleaning] Dur and I saw a women walk in wearing a Minnesota Women’s Soccer shirt.
Now, the Starbucks up here is a snare of Kansas City Shock if you don’t know what you’re looking for. Darco mans the register, that’s the first hit. Likely afterwards you’re going to get me in the corner, and if you make it past me it’s only a matter of time before Dur gets you. That’s just how the store works up here in the north. We didn’t plan it, but we all three spend so much time there it only makes sense.
Anyways…
So, this woman walks into the store and Darco nails her; seeing the soccer logos on the shirt. That starts the chain reaction of sports, soccer, and the Kansas City Shock. Eventually the young woman sits next to Dur and myself and we start asking the ’20 question’ game. Through this process a question kept brewing in my head, she was new to the area, went through some fascinating troubling times, and was recreating herself [sound familiar]? That’s when she made note of the softball team at the church she’s going to, which gave way to the question I was begging to ask; church involvement.
“Oh, I go to Missouri Valley. It’s a really small church.”
Missouri Valley = MoVal
Somehow, someway, shameful to myself I’ve missed this woman over the past month. We spent some time sharing our stories of getting to MoVal, love for soccer, her unique love for cultures and travel, and some humor in between. The whole time I’m in disbelief that we’d been at the same church [of 70 people] and completely missed one another.
The story itself is absolutely fascinating, and made for some good laughs. However, personally it really helped as well. I was really, really dialed into MoVal today. I felt comfortable, directed, and alive. It was a great realization to be back ‘home’ after this weeks spiritual findings. More importantly, I had complained to my girlfriend earlier this weekend that I couldn’t hear God, He was silent. Since those moments; it feels like my ears have just now been unclogged. The passion of the people, the messages that I’ve received, the questions, the meetings, everything in the past 48 hours continues to show me that this is God’s plan, it’s His program, and He’s going to do amazing things. I’m just humbled to be able to be a part of it.
It was such a blessing to meet random people, and make random connections [especially if they can understand why soccer fans must have scarves] in His name. The coffee tasted that much better tonight.
This week appears to be daunting; it’s hard not to be fearful. However, God is going to do something amazing. It’s going to be big, insane, and awesome. I haven’t felt this alive in watching Him do His thing in months.
Let the sparks fly.
-D-
MoVal is killing it today. God is blowing the doors off this place.
It’s great to be home.
-D-
I always enjoy going back into the archives to see what I was thinking a year ago; entertainingly it is actually the same exact thing as tonight:
Restless.
I’m not 100% sure, but sleep isn’t coming to me very easily tonight. I’ve off on my monthly trip to the middle of…nothing, and I should be asleep, getting prepared for a fascinating day tomorrow. However, the physical tiring just isn’t there yet.
From the very beginning of this site; I made it clear that I would always be 100% honest and transparent with the audience [you, the reader] in times of positive and negative. For example; though I brushed off what went on last week; truth is…I haven’t slept well since last Sunday. No clue why, but even though I wasn’t directly involved or near the events that transpired, just knowing where I was supposed to be, how the scenario could have played out, and by the emotional state of those who are close to me…it actually shook me up. Maybe I’m just getting older, but realistically I was scared until I was back into my apartment back home. That’s the honesty that I’m aiming for; including last weekend’s note about being divorced and living with that realization and the consequences that come with it.
So, along with that ongoing theme, honesty, I’m going to sidetrack from the despair and sorrow, ignore the soccer, and approach a very…very…delicate topic:
Marriage
Realistically that was a term that two years ago I would have never considered speaking again; at least in direct relation to myself. Many pages in this exact website outlined the reasons why I wouldn’t consider it, the pity party, the sorrow, the late nights, and the horrors that really was my past life.
However, part of the unique structure of this website wasn’t just to explore the background of my life, but to also show the present, and think about the future. From our past we’re able to lay a foundation, from the present we explore new identities that will later describe our future. Sometimes I think that I got so wrapped up in the past that I forgot what my own future could hold; outside of just the soccer field and the sandwich store.
Would I ever obtain a new job? Would I advance within the company? Those are questions I’ve never really explored before; my current job is such a blessing I couldn’t think past it, especially with spinning off the Kansas City Shock, but what does lie down the road? I don’t envision cutting checks for myself with the Shock anytime soon. Will I keep my pattern, or change things up? I just find it interesting that up until this past week I hadn’t even considered what else could be out there.
What about the team? Oh my gosh, I have no idea. That Kansas City Shock is a dream…a literal dream. It doesn’t even comprehend with me the absolute amazement of watching that program grow and blossom. There’s so much to do still, but man…what a story so far. Even last week in Boston, talking to the general manager for a National Women’s Soccer League team out there, the commissioner for the league, etc…it’s just insane, and the back story. I mean, come on, a group of individuals with a similar dream striving to succeed with it. People from every walk of life, losing sleep, time, and patience to follow a collective dream. You don’t get too many of those stories anymore. I cannot for the life of me imagine my life without such an incredible plot line; a complete blessing.
Job. Soccer. Life. Church. Change. Seasons. Family? I told my girlfriend, even before we started dating, that I date with the intent to marry; that’s it, no exceptions. She took hold of that notion with a death grip and will not let go. There isn’t enough time or space to type out all of the incredible examples, but there is one word that perfectly describes the overall sensation:
Faithful.
She is faithful, loyal, and forgiving. She tolerates so much from me that it is humbling. There’s constant chatter of marriage, colors, weddings, rings, honeymoons, and everything else under the sun. Make no mistake; those conversations take place on nearly a daily basis. At first, I wasn’t fond of it. Call it aching scars, but I just wasn’t thrilled with the concept. Now though? I can’t imagine anything different. Don’t worry reader; you will get your happy ending to this story…eventually [can't give away all the spoilers, can I]. It’s so refreshing; part of the thing that I love about this relationship is that we see each other nearly every day, and when we don’t [like right now due to business, and last week due to Boston] it hurts. Call me a sap, but it hurts being away from her. We drive each other insane…I mean insane [along with our friends], but man…life without her? Impossible. Even today, now that our TV is up and functioning [give it up for HDMI cables] I invited Jim and MC to our apartment for the Sporting game and dinner. While it is an openly known reality that my girlfriend and I do not live with each other, we’re always in the same apartment [which I just renewed for another nine months...hehe], going over the same paperwork, looking over each others finances, and testing new cooking methods. I trust her 100% with my life, and that is something that I cannot honestly tell you I did with my ex-wife; nothing against her, I was just that prideful. It’s nice being open and honest with my girlfriend; sometimes it’s painfully honest, but the rewarding feeling afterwards is so refreshing. To know that I’m one jacked up soul and yet this precious creature still loves me unconditionally…man…I was missing out! I can’t express to you with enough words the absolute joy of knowing that there is a soul out there…that without them by your side…you’d struggle to exist.
I think I’ll just leave this post like that. There is life outside of soccer, there life outside of work, outside of travel, and most definitely outside of your past.
Sometimes your life is simply written on the side a hot mocha.
-D-
MC has a scar…
I mean like Frankenstein style…like…she’d challenge Kevin Ware stitch-for-stitch [too early]; it was an old surgery wound from her glory days on the hard court in college. Yes, MC was a baller…and then some.
Either way eventually, while going out of bounds to save a ball [in the 70's], she landed…awkwardly…and something within her knee just tore to shreds [I'm still claiming an unknown ACL tear...but that's history].
Anyways, even after the surgery to this very day that scar still hurts. It’s doesn’t matter if someone touches it, the weather changes, whatever the case may be…that scar still hurts. Anyone who has deep scars can relate to the reality that MC has lived with for nearly…40 years now?
There is a reason for this intro story, as you can imagine it is themed around the concept of scars. I revisited mine today.
What I’m getting ready to state has nothing to do with any specific organization, but more so of the realization of my own life.
Today was a unique experience; since officially becoming a member at MoVal I sat in the first ‘vision casting meeting’. Basically this meeting was an attempt to discuss what was taking place down the road, and the future of the church [plus some great food]. The honor of being able to be in the session, while overseen by some perhaps, was a great experience. That doesn’t mean it was easy. There came a part of the meeting where there were some discussions on certain positions within the church, as outlined in Acts and 1 Timothy. When I say that MoVal is a Biblical based church; I’m not kidding. We’re talking that the Greek version of the New Testament was broken out during the meeting. It’s refreshing to know that the only ‘doctrine’ that I have to jack with is the only true doctrine that exist [nice change], but with that comes the reality of what is held within the pages.
I’m going to skip all the details and just say this:
Due to the fact that I’m a Christian, and a divorced one; divorced while I was a Christian [not prior]. Because of this fact, there are some things that I cannot be within the church. The realization of that isn’t…painful…it’s understanding why that is. I could spend all day making excuse after excuse, but honestly? I’m not game for arguing with the Bible.
Consider this my scar. Thorn in my side? Burden? Not sure, but the understanding that as much that is right with my world…that element of my life will always be there.
-D-
Church (late thanks to Dunkin Donuts), lunch, work (end of the month), back to church by six. Heart broken that I’m missing Peeps Soccer in the process.
Move over manic Monday…
I awoke with 100 pounds on my chest. I felt miserable. This overwhelming burden just felt as if it was crushing me as I started off the day.
I took a shower, and several deep breaths. There was just this sensation of guilt, rejection, and failure just looming over my head. I hadn’t had any nightmares, and I couldn’t think of any triggers that had put me in that position. I felt…cursed.
This was most definitely not a moment of moping, complaining, or feeling bad for myself. This was just full on, heartfelt pain. The realization that I was slipping; falling away. There’s been so much going on in my life that realistically spiritually I’m there, but not where I should be. Does that make sense?
I’m not as dependent on God as I should be; most literally with my problems. No matter the size I try to conquer them myself, or run away from them [I'm an expert at that]. Rarely do I confront and confess before God what’s really on my mind, what’s really bothering me. Sure, He knows what’s going on inside, but personally I find the true challenge lies on whether or not I’ll talk about it out loud in the apartment [yes, making me sound like a lunatic most mornings]. Today, I swallowed my pride and just poured it out, for what felt likes hours of everything that’s been just eating at me [very little actually having to do with soccer]. Personally, it’s just been attitudes, temptations, and this daunting task of staying on the straight and narrow; and realizing that I cannot’ do it on my own.
I’m not saying I left for MoVal in high spirits; in fact even with coffee in hand I still wasn’t feel well by the time church started. It was during the sermon that the pieces started coming together; the preacher was talking about the notion of being a heretic. Claiming one thing, but doing another. Telling people that God controls your life, but still reserving certain parts of your life for just you…not God. Guess what? I fall into that category. There are several things that I’ve foolishly, repeatedly have tried to conquer on my own and reserved it just for me.
Absolute stupidity.
The rains falling tonight as I send this message out; a relaxing ending to a perplexing day in my mind. I’m trying, but even with me trying to do the right thing continually; I cannot get it down without Him.
-D-
Will someone please tell me how it is already April?
A letter greeted me at my apartment today; a reminder that my lease renewal is up at the end of this month. Fascinating considering that it feels like just yesterday I stepping into this place for the first time. Yes, I will be renewing it for another nine months. While I do find the constant commute to KC a bit annoying at times; being removed the ‘bulls-eye’ of business can at times be very refreshing.
It’s already Sunday, and I’m still awake. I took today and was productive; cleaning up for the past several weeks that I’ve been running all over the place. Kitchen, bathrooms, dining room, and living room were all addressed. I’m still needing to work on the office and bedroom. Got a brief run in, and then took some time at a U-8 Peeps Soccer game. I cooked my own lunch, and had some leftovers.
I lived life.
I looked at my budget and cringed, noted bills, and hung up my recent diploma from Subway. Lit a new candle, and drank some coffee. Had burgers with my girlfriend for dinner, and complained about weight, health, and fitness following.
I guess this is what is called ‘real life’.
Regardless of how you term the notion of what ‘real life’ is, it comes and grabs you whether you’re ready or not. It’s insane to think that just over a month from now the Kansas City Shock will be in full swing. Tickets are being sold, and some very…weighted…topics are on my desk.
I see MC and Jim every-so-often, but living apart [even thirteen miles] has proved to drastically limit our interaction time [and home cooking]. MoVal is churning along after a great Easter weekend last week, and Dur is getting ready for coaching courses in California later this month. Jo is back on Facebook, and my girlfriend talks to her rather frequently.
Snow has melted, proposals have been made, and marriages are on the eve. My monthly magazine from my alma mater greets me with the same news of budget moves, new hiring’s, and expectations for the future. I run when I get the chance, and as of late I’ve really fallen short of my own expectations. I’ve argued with my girlfriend, and as of this evening…came out the humbled loser. I still make mistakes and I dream of getting this website turned into book[s] when the time allows itself.
I try to listen to dub step music just to give life a different age; almost as my way of reaching out to my youth and breaking free of the grips of this new reality. However, even there the melodies and drops start to blend into the next and the next.
I’m not sure what I dream of anymore. A few nights ago I woke up from a dream, and it was disappointing. Very realistically I had become the President of the United States of America, and was able to give the opening address to open up the Summer Olympics [the US had obviously finally found a way to get the Games]. It was a new world, set in a distant times. Magnetic bullet trains, and vast vegetation surrounded my experiences. Phone calls, family, and all around joy brought about by the Games and personally because somehow…I was the President. Compared to the several, consecutive nightmares that have befallen me in the past, this was a nice change of pace. However, as goes with any good dream; sometimes waking up is the worst part. Outside of that though; I dream about the day’s events; meetings, soccer, business, Subway, traveling, cities, etc…
Life is calm. I’m not suggesting that this is a negative aspect, but it is a change of pace from the rapid past three years. I suppose I’m transitioning in a pattern, a cycle, maybe maturing? I wouldn’t safely suggest that idea at this point.
I do not necessarily see all of these adjustments in past weeks as a negative change, but due to the transition of life [and lack of writing] it’s something that has definitely caught my eye as needing to be penciled into the daily accounts of this individual life.
Surrounding suburbs entertain me, and specific greasy spoons in downtown entice me; marriages aren’t forbidden, and the hostility of what once was is nearly non-existent. I still don’t want a two-story house, but that’s because I hate stairs. The white picket fence could be alright; I guess.
Am I losing motivation? Ambition? Passion? I would hope not, but the fear does seep in from time-to-time. I hope I’m not losing my edge, or becoming too old to wear my hat backwards.
With thunderstorms in the forecast tomorrow, in my world the seasons officially change. Boston comes up next weekend; as I head out of town for a few days.
Perhaps I’m just meandering around, but…I hope that in my personal world; a bit of fresh air and some deep breaths can kick me back into high gear.
-D-
Today I requested an archive of my Twitter account since its creation (in 2009 for those curious). Even through +33K 140 character tweets it is amazing to see the progress of life. It snowed today, I’ve been running everywhere because I’m employed. I’m writing presentations because I’m part of an incredible organization. I get to experience all of this in a very unique, beautiful area of the world, and spend some very precious time in a church in the middle of nothing. I have a beautiful girlfriend that is attached to me, and refuses to let go…no matter what. I live on my own, with supportive parents just down the road, and frankly:
I’m loving life like God has loved me.
Get your praise on!
-D-
