Is it OK just to admit that I’m just struggling today? Yesterday? This whole week?
I mean, please understand I’m not falling asleep with a bottle of Jack next to my headboard, but I’m just having a rougher week.
Can we say that Satan is working overtime on me?
I’ll go ahead and just throw out that fact.
It’s not that I’m sick [well, that's debatable], it’s not saying that there has been something tragic along my life.
It’s the fact that I’m not sleeping. It’s the fact that I’m having awful nightmares, and I don’t understand why.
I mean; we’ve discussed this before. Nightmares that pertain to the thoughts of disasters, accidents, war, FLOODS, are all OK in my book. I’m game for those; that’s nothing new.
I hate having nightmares involving my ex-wife. The past two nights I’ve had very similar patterns, meeting the individual, getting to know her again. Now, the catch is this; she can’t stand to see me, it repulses her. However, I’m grateful that she’s there [I should point out that in no way what so ever do I even remotely want something like this to happen]. Then I spend the rest of this nightmare being around her, dreading seeing her family again, and thinking how I’m so happy that I’d been just having nightmares of being divorced.
That’s about the time I wake up. This is how I’m starting my days off for the past two days. It’s seriously starting to wear on me. I’m just on edge as of late, constantly tired, not motivated; fearful of gaining weight from not running. I feel like I’m losing. There is absolutely no logic or rational thought process to any of this; I’m just scared. I’m still, in the end, just a scared kid that’s gone through a rather rough patch of my life, and honestly very fearful of screwing anything else up. I mean, you’ve got to give me a little credit; I’m terrified of anyone ‘taking a chance’ on me, because all those legal documents sitting in my file cabinet indicates that I’m not someone to take a chance on. I mess up. Screw up. Really this is why I’m always, seemingly on the run.
I bounce between friends, churches, towns, jobs, everything because I’m so fearful that people tend to be drawn to me, enjoy my company for a certain period of time, but like my parents, my ex-wife, anyone who has spent extended time with me…I’m exhausting, overbearing, and just straight up overwhelming.
Once again, there is no sound logic to any of these comments, but the lack of sleep and fear of forever being in this nomadic state causes the mind to stumble quite frequently.
It’s rather easy to be able to spout off that God takes care of me, and He loves me. I acknowledge this, understand this, and dare not argue this. However, personally; I’m so darn stained, tarnished, and weak that it’s hard to accept it. So many people around me have demonstrated a distaste towards me, important people; and while human’s are not God, and vice-versa, it still creates a stubborn falsehood in the human [mine] mind that we try to equate God to being equal to men [which all of us should slap ourselves for thinking that]. That is the exact complex I’m currently in. I’m trying to bring God to my level and basically say, “Well, Your creation left me, they gave up on me. Therefore You gave up on me.” Which is everything but the truth [I smack myself]. However, eventually you stop running and all the garbage that you left behind, it will catch up.
Perhaps this is merely a moment of humility of God demonstrating, “You need Me, I don’t need you…”, because currently I’m getting a taste…a taste of mental misery, and it’s horrible. I won’t even try to twist this into a, “Similar to what Jesus went through…”, He didn’t! He was pure, perfect, and was able to resist the temptations. I’ve dodged a few, but right now I’m heading straight into pride, envy, and just overall bitterness.
I’m trying not to.
But it’s impossible not too; unless He’s the one pulling you out.
Yes, some writing is good therapy and personally, I’m praying for a good nights rest.
Less any of you think that this piece was nothing but a ‘rant’ or ‘pity party’; allow me to remind you that this site is a journey. Uncharted. Brutally honest. If I wanted to write a best seller, I’d tell you all the great news, and mention nothing of struggles and therefore attempt to remove myself from the human populous. That’s not fair to you, and it isn’t fair to God. At the moment you see a broken, weeping, hurting, frustrated young man.
Through these moments God can mold us [even me] the most.