That’s enough to keep you from falling back asleep… Continue reading
Easily just woke up from the most terrifying, devastating surreal nightmare. Yes, it was during just a midday nap, but I woke up shaking and clinging onto my wife. I haven’t been that terrified from something in my sleep in a very, very long time.
I’ll just get the gist out: Continue reading
I awoke with 100 pounds on my chest. I felt miserable. This overwhelming burden just felt as if it was crushing me as I started off the day.
I took a shower, and several deep breaths. There was just this sensation of guilt, rejection, and failure just looming over my head. I hadn’t had any nightmares, and I couldn’t think of any triggers that had put me in that position. I felt…cursed.
This was most definitely not a moment of moping, complaining, or feeling bad for myself. This was just full on, heartfelt pain. The realization that I was slipping; falling away. There’s been so much going on in my life that realistically spiritually I’m there, but not where I should be. Does that make sense?
I’m not as dependent on God as I should be; most literally with my problems. No matter the size I try to conquer them myself, or run away from them [I’m an expert at that]. Rarely do I confront and confess before God what’s really on my mind, what’s really bothering me. Sure, He knows what’s going on inside, but personally I find the true challenge lies on whether or not I’ll talk about it out loud in the apartment [yes, making me sound like a lunatic most mornings]. Today, I swallowed my pride and just poured it out, for what felt likes hours of everything that’s been just eating at me [very little actually having to do with soccer]. Personally, it’s just been attitudes, temptations, and this daunting task of staying on the straight and narrow; and realizing that I cannot’ do it on my own.
I’m not saying I left for MoVal in high spirits; in fact even with coffee in hand I still wasn’t feel well by the time church started. It was during the sermon that the pieces started coming together; the preacher was talking about the notion of being a heretic. Claiming one thing, but doing another. Telling people that God controls your life, but still reserving certain parts of your life for just you…not God. Guess what? I fall into that category. There are several things that I’ve foolishly, repeatedly have tried to conquer on my own and reserved it just for me.
The rains falling tonight as I send this message out; a relaxing ending to a perplexing day in my mind. I’m trying, but even with me trying to do the right thing continually; I cannot get it down without Him.
I’m not sure if I’m eating something weird, or running too late, or what the case may be, but in recent nights I’ve been rocking some horrible nightmares.
From kidnappings to armed conflict, it feels like I’ve dreamed it all. I try not to get lured into the trap of looking into dreams, but the lack of sleep from these startling moments at night is getting old.
[ree-bild] Show IPA verb, re·built or (Archaic ) re·build·ed; re·build·ing.
verb (used with object)
1. to repair, especially to dismantle and reassemble with new
parts: to rebuild an old car.
2. to replace, restrengthen, or reinforce: to rebuild an army.
3. to revise, reshape, or reorganize: to rebuild a shattered
It was nearly six years ago when I found myself standing among weeds and death throughout the 9th Ward of New Orleans. ‘X’s’ covered the houses, making sure that all life, or lost, were found and documented. The Walmart was gone, the gas stations vacant, and the homeless were running the French Quarter.
There was nothing ‘easy’ about the Big Easy.
For a week in 2006 and again in 2009, I was able to spend time assisting in the recovery of New Orleans after the onslaught of Hurricane Katrina in 2005. It was painful, including a very nasty eye injury that almost left me blind, and the crawdad’s were fresh…as always, but it was hard to believe the progress that had taken place each time I visited the city. In one trip, nothing but death littered the roadway, in another trip the buildings had paint, the weeds removed, and traffic was…well…traffic. New Orleans was rebuilding itself, slowly, but surely.
In 2012, the population and economy of New Orleans isn’t what it was in pre-Katrina days, but the steady process of the devoted few have paid off; with Superbowl Titles, city unification, and an overall idea of pride in what they went through in order to become who they are today.
As I’ve watched the clock throughout the day, getting closer to midnight this evening, packing up items for my departure to Guatemala tomorrow; I can think of no better way to sum up the challenges of the past year, aside from comparing it to our beloved down south.
Each day I woke up, it was a struggle from the git-go. Some days I wouldn’t get out of bed, even when I relocated up north, it was guaranteed that if I had a nightmare of the past; I wasn’t going to work that day. However through friends, family, and connecting to the rest of the world; I found reason to move on, on a daily basis. Whether it was an activity of MoVal, or working with a bunch of U-8 kids on the soccer field; I had a reason to live, I had a reason to succeed, I had a reason to rebuild.
It’s when we overcome the reality of the pain that we must go through, that we can finally begin to do amazing things with our lives. No matter the pain and frustration; death, divorce, taxes…whatever the case, when we choose to move forward; anything is possible.
Similar to ‘E’, and encouraging those around you with your unique story, rebuilding is the same. How can a person justify a man being homeless, broke, and divorced; in one year would be content, compelled, and the owner of a professional sports team?
As I continue to move ‘dirt’ and build up what God desires my life to be, I accept the idea that the rebuilding process of my life, it never ends; it keeps moving. If I’m desiring growth, then like my beloved cities in Simcity; the game never ends, the goal is never reached, and my life will never be enough.
And honestly; I’m OK with that.
Less you think my life was perfect since last year.
Today is May 1, 2012. I was to start work early this morning, three stores, no big deal. Get up early, head south, be done and home by 2:00 PM.
Then last night I had nightmares of my marriage. The fighting, lying, and just overall anger.
I didn’t get up this morning.
I didn’t go to work (not that I’ll get in trouble since I make the hours).
I just laid here, sleeping, trying to dream it all away.
Embarrassing, and painful. Like an injured athlete trying to run again.
You’ve got to walk first.
Guess healing is no different.
I had a nightmare that I saw my former sister-in-law…
I couldn’t even get out the words, “I am so sorry.”