I woke up in a decent mood today.

I really did, even though the temperature had dropped nearly thirty degrees since last night, I was in high spirits as I got out of bed. It was Sunday, it was a day of rest, it was a day at Missouri Valley; it was a day of peace.

Not even close.

To each parent that deals with the children, spouses, and yourself somehow knowingly having a horrible attitude on your way to church; I feel your pain. I hate the disgusting state of this humanity as well. We know what we should be in my heart, soul, and mindset. We know that we shouldn’t honk at the driver on the freeway, snap at the people in the car, and overall just refuse to smile.

I’m guilty of all charges noted above.

I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t stressed, I had no excuse for any of my thoughts and/or actions.

By the time I started the car, after Dur and Darco decided which car we were all traveling in; while I stood in the pouring rain at 32 degrees, Dur was no longer talking in the car, Darco made mention of how she had ‘just yelled’ at Miranda on the way to the apartment and when I saw a slight smile form on her face when making that statement, my mood was set for the day.

What’s wrong? Why are you snapping?

I heard while heading down the interstate. I ignored the inquiries; not sure how to explain to each how tired I am of the moping, yelling, and confrontation between the two.

We had made it to church, primarily in silence, sat through Sunday School [Small Group, or whatever it is called now], headed into the main service, and my mood had already been altered for the day. At the same time, in a peaceful manner, many people had inquired where I had been over the past two weeks [traveling among other churches in the area, because I wan't Darco to see other types of churches outside of what she was familiar with]. I explained as tastefully as possible, hoping not to sound overly dramatic, but already the doubt was in my head that since my perfect attendance for the quarter had been tarnished that people were beginning to doubt if I would stay at that church. Going through the music, the words, the motions; I sat in ‘my pew’ and belted out the words that went with each pluck of the guitar. Some new friends were sitting in front of us, he had introduced me to his wife, and realistically; I had the standard greeting and shamefully I didn’t follow up with dialogue.

I didn’t follow up.

I was so consumed with myself and my day, all the way down to the trivial, pathetic fact that I didn’t get Starbucks coffee this morning, confrontation instead ensued in the car. Realistically, it was pathetic; absolutely disgusting.

The service continued with the preacher following suit of the coursework that we had been ingesting in the time prior to service taking place and most of it…in one ear and out the other, I was trying to organize  my agenda for the next week since a technology conference was taking place in Kansas City this week on Thursday, and as the business owner; deep in technology, I should go, but that’d require me to give up my quest for a years worth of free burritos from Freebirds, etc…

As you can tell really, really heavy stuff…

By the time I had gotten my schedule sorted it was time for the confession period, bowing heads, alter is open, and so on and such. I bowed me head in the pew because I had become surprisingly tired, and I had no where else that I wanted to look. I hope by now, you can see through the text that my selfish, disgusting heart was in the exactly wrong place. You wold think that such good church boy, the mission trip heavy handed person with plenty of notches in his belt, would straighten up and recognize the massive plank in his eye.

However, it continued to get worse.

The one moment my heart aligned correctly today, I just asked God to make something work for His kingdom, not needing me to do that obviously, and that I was confused nearly 24/7 and the progress I’m to take. Factor in the idea of me being a spiritual wreck today, it was evident that I was out of control.

As I looked up and the music ended, there stood a young, single mother with her new born at the front of the church. The pastor introduced her and informed that crowd that she had accepted Christ, she had become a Christian, and she wanted to share that with the world.

This lady also happened to be Darco’s best friend from high school. So, right next to me, Darco breaks down into sobs because her old friend found ‘the light’, after Darco had worked tirelessly to get her to come to church [after Darco's experience last winter]. It fit the description of making disciples of disciples of disciples, mindset. It was growth, it was God, it should  have been beautiful.

After a final prayer we ended service with the crew talking about what they wanted for lunch, Darco disappeared to go chat with her friend, and the mood was finally set for a peaceful afternoon. I had caused enough damage, and we’d be good to go.

After Darco started to talk about how her and her friend never talk anymore, and she didn’t understand why they snap at each other via text message; of course, without tact I stepped in and spoke on texting one another versus speaking face-to-face [something the two hadn't done in weeks]. This conversation lasted ten minutes prior to a red light in which I heard, “You should have gone ahead and went, I have to be at work at 1:30.”

That’s all it took.

For the next ten minutes, Darco and myself exchanged a heated argument of time management, responsibility, and my absolute tiredness of listening to her inform me about what time she had to go to work on Sunday’s. This all being written mildly versus the complete action inside the car. By the time we got to the lunch destination, Dur stormed out of the car; slammed the door. Darco got out, telling her administrator at work [who happens to go to church with us] that she is reworking her Sunday hours because she is tired of fighting about grabbing lunch and getting to work on time, and I didn’t even notice the ice forming outside due to the insane amount of fuming that I was doing.

All around, just an absolute wreck.

It’s now 5:50 PM and I’m in my apartment, still slightly fuzzy due to the nap I just woke up from [in a hope to restart something...anything], and I’m just torn to pieces. Seriously, I feel absolutely awful because the greatest act that someone can follow through with in their life, a lady whose life reflected that of Darco’s came home, wanting to be part of this family, this church body, and I was so, so absorbed with myself, my life, my comfort, and my anger that after the incredible act; I nearly 90% ignored it, along with everything else going on in the building and just focused the day on me.

Realistically; I’m pathetic. Every complaint someone has about a modern Christian in the United States; I displayed today. I lived out the kind of life that I despise and speak boldly again.

I hope I can’t sleep well tonight.

-D-