XXXI: Good Things End


All good things must come to an end…

Somebody once upon a time in history said that quote, and it seemed wise to use in today’s reality. It’s Friday, and for the first time in three weeks we have zero plans for the weekend. We’ve traveled the Midwest, gone to a night club, celebrated our anniversary, and just about everything else you can imagine in the past fourteen days. Continue reading

XXXI: Body Issues


I’m going to mark my spot for being in the .01% of the United States population. I have a very strong dislike towards a recent trending topic (besides Hobby Lobby), and over the week I’ve been trying to figure out how I should address it, how I should write, and what I really dislike so much.

After eating two hard boiled eggs, a container of pineapples, and leftovers from dinner last night I think I know where to start.

I cannot stand the ESPN Magazine: Body Issue Continue reading

XO: History Repeating


I’m sitting with Darco at dinner this evening. Storms off in the distance and greasy cheeseburger in my hand. We have been getting better about not always talking about work, and instead we were talking about religion, theology, and the Bible.

God’s sense of irony is never-ceasing.

Darco had made a comment in regards to Jesus hanging out with the worst of the worst when it came to the sinners. He chilled with tax collectors, and even had a conversation with a prostitute; not real common for the time [compared to today at least]. He rebuked the pharisees hardcore. He just didn’t tolerate the crazy, sinful desires of a hypocritical leader. That wasn’t His style.

That’s when it dawned on me…

I’m not Jesus.

Though I do strive to be like Him on a daily basis [only to fall short frequently]. I continued to think, and mull over the words that Darco had stated and history itself came back to visit.

What if…
Now go with me here…
What if…
The American Church has become the growing equivalent of the religious leaders of Jesus’s time. Pastors are kicking out members, members are shunning non-members, and money is quickly becoming a priority along with carpet color, organs, and stained glass windows.

Physical church bodies fuss with other buildings, and a town of 5,000 people may have 25 different churches. Something for every flavor of the people who refuse to get along. It’s a line drawn between youth and adult, guitars and pianos, baptisms and sprinkling. NIV and KJV are three letter words thrown around as theological profanity, and forbid that someone new walks into the building.

Stop.
Stare.
Judge.
Move on.

This is the church. It isn’t Christ’s bride, it’s the reaccurance of a curse that He lifted two thousand years ago. The once lost and wicked are the ones tossing lots, heading accusations, and never understand that they haven’t changed from where they started. Allow Europe to be the example of where past follies lead in the religious sect. Show the haunting, empty, vacant corpses of stone buildings that string along the streets; never to be filled for worship again.

Where did the pharisees wind up? What happened to them? What was the outcome of them versus Christ?

I caution the American Church; heed history’s warning signs.

-D-

XO: Be Still


With just a month remaining in “XO”, it’s taken me this entire time to get a full grasp over the idea, concept, and learning that took place over this duration of life.

What have I learned?
What I’m doing right now.
Being still.

Darco is asleep, the cat is watching the window, and I can hear the bugs outside. It’s peaceful, with the lowly hum of the refrigerator and the gentle typing of my fingers on the keys. This is being still in my world. Sure, the brain still move 100 MPH, and my Tweetdeck currently is loaded with 14 non-stop flowing feeds of information that runs 24/7. I love it though; I love that passion and work can be combined into a blessing of a job. I’m thankful that I can get up from the couch, brush my teeth, and crawl into bed next to the world’s most beautiful woman [by the way, did you see her incredible, physical transformation]. It’s epic to know that I’ll wake up, shower, make my smoothie, and start another brand new adventure in the morning. The stress, drama, and other sleepless thoughts have been put to rest. My wife is sleeping, the refrigerator is full of food, and the cat is frequently fed. How can you not enjoy a life like that?

From recent Bible study experiences, to Sunday School, and even church itself; once I pushed my pride aside, I’m finally warming up to our new ‘home’. A place that we don’t just visit on Sunday mornings, but somewhere that can be a place of peace throughout the week.

Bills get paid, supplies gets purchased, and deadlines are met. Slowly but surely we’re digging our way out of the debt that we’ve (I’ve) slipped into over the years.

Dearest reader; life is good.

I’ve done my traveling, ran a business, failed a business, found a church, left a church, found a new church, lost an old hobby, found a new hobby, and continue to dream about tomorrow. My heart is still and my soul is alive; I feel freedom within range of my spiritual reach.

Living in the city is no longer a real dream, and for the most part I have no desire to ever own a business again. I enjoy the silence, I enjoy nature, outdoors, and spending time with my family. I dream of children, school districts, and random events every night of the week. I know someday I’ll be reliving life a few years ago, only it’ll be our children doing the participating; I’ll just stand at the side and cheer. That’s a beautiful life, that’s something to dream about, that’s a reality worth pursuing.

However, tranquility hasn’t quite set-in at this point. A new chapter begins; the longest one I’ve kept. Prayer has been pumped into this, and it’s the first chapter I’ve actually mentally prepared for. It’s going to be a unique journey, and many will deem it “impossible”, but none of us will know until the time has come.

So, as this season draws to an end, it’s nice to rest, reset, and recover a life that’s been worn rather thin. It’s a blessing to be able to ‘be still’, and realign life with the true leader of your heart. Times will change, and new events will come, but for now, for tonight; I’m going to count these past three years a crazy blessing, close my eyes, and dream about tomorrows cup of coffee.

-D-

XO: Questioning Leadership


There are just some things in life that take place of which nothing can compare you for. I guess I’m supposed to say that, that is ‘part of life’, but sometimes life makes no sense.

Sometimes family can be the catalyst, and recently that’s been a serious issue. By serious please know that I’m not talking about bickering, gossip, and the other trivial garbage that takes place within DNA strands, but serious problems.

Last year, the week that Darco and I got married, my mother-in-law was evicted from her home. Resulting in Darco, myself, MC, and Jim cleaning up a house that she vacated [and a cat she abandoned]. She moved up north with family, and I had assumed that, that was how life was going to move. This, of course, was after she wound in the hospital last February due to not being able to move CO2 out of her body at a quick enough pace. Understand that Darco is her only daughter, and the only family member that’ll stick their neck for her.

thought this was the pattern life would be in, and we could focus on each other and move forward. Until earlier this week, along with all the stupid stuff I spoke of earlier, I received a distraught phone call from my wife. She explained to me that my mother-in-law had been kicked out of the house she was staying in, and was now planning on living in her Jeep in the city.

I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.

This individual is diabetic, and also needs a breathing machine at night. She can’t stay with us because she can’t physically get up all of our stairs. We learned yesterday that she’d been lying about where her disability checks were going [to a random scam artist via Facebook]. My wife is a complete disaster; I mean an emotional mess, it’s sickening and saddening. As the husband, as the leader of the household…I have no idea what to do.

Unfortunately I come from a position where there’s little sympathy for people who purposefully make these decisions, and refuse to be assisted by anyone else. It’s along the lines of someone standing on the side of the highway with a sign reading, “anything helps”; I’ve witnessed people offer to buy food, a meal, etc…but many just want money. This is a terrible example of the same thing that’s going on with our family.

As you could imagine; the level of stress from this constant drama is unbelievable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m supposed to lead, and I’m clueless. We’re not made of money, and we’re barely making it on our own at this point. I’ve been in a position without a life [see page one], I’ve stolen food from motels for meals before, but I tried my hardest to get back on my feet and I was in my early twenties; not my late forties.

It’s also frustrating to see this take place leading up to Mother’s Day. I’ve seen my wife get lied to over, and over, and over again by the same person. She has a heart for people that few, if any, will ever be able to reach in size. Because of that, every time her eyes are opened to the truth, her heart is broken all over again. I’m supposed to protect her from that, but does mean I protect her from her own mother? I don’t know the answer. I know that I’ve had to deal with anger and bitterness as of late because I hate seeing people take advantage of others, but I’m not sure where I’m supposed to step in. What’s my position? What’s my authority? Any? I don’t know.

I know that as always, though not always my favorite, prayer is the best tool we have. In times like this, it’s about the only tool we have.

I confess: I’m growing weary of life’s struggles.

-D-

XO: Sticks In The Fire


When you get older, you’re learn that it’s not always the best to have several sticks in the fire. Instead, remove a few and just focus on the rest that are still there.
-Wise Old Man-

I woke up this morning with Ny-Quil and this title stuck in my head. Half an hour later I made it out of bed, and actually started the day.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually given some ‘length’ to a post, and a deeper, more described identity to the life that I’m currently surrounded by. So, with drugs in hand, and a cat annoying me from behind…let us begin… Continue reading

XO: So Long


So long…
And thanks for all the fish…

It only seems natural to use that quotation to define what this post was going to be about. I’ve known this day was coming, at first I tried to deny it, but in the end it became about acceptance and moving on to new adventures with life.

The Kansas City Shock is no more. Continue reading

XO: Storm


Come Ye Sinners has quite literally been in my head since I woke up this morning. I mean it’s stuck in there.

Fernando Ortega and his album Storm has been an album that I’ve listened to for years. It was the music that put me to sleep in the hotel in Colorado, condo in Branson, pool table in the Ozarks, and a few times in New Orleans. Of all the music that I’ve ingested over the years; this is the album that I hold most dear for sake of soothing, repentant, and relaxing. Not to mention the irony of it being ‘old people music’ versus my average day beats.

Today I shaved a full minute off of my mile time; I’m truly feeling it right now, but it was done more from stress than determination. The idea in my head is to exert the physical stress that I bare witness to mentally.

The moment is extremely tense; my legs, while still recovering, are still trying to shake from the environment that I’m currently in. I’d love to share more, but now isn’t the time. I just keep trying to recognize myself as the worthless sinner that I am, and accept that reality. Why worry about the world around you, and all the small details, when it’s a miracle in itself that you’re even able to breathe fresh air? Perhaps I’m the only one that has those thoughts at this time at night, but it is something that keeps me awake.

I suppose all I know is that currently I’m in my own storm, and the only tranquility I’m finding is recognizing that God is my only hope, my only strength, and my only finalizing goal of life.

-D-