Tag Archives: sad

O: Jim’s Factory


I once heard a story, about a boy who got into more trouble then he knew what to do with. He fought with his brother, avoided his mother, and watched his father in the garage. As years past the boy sat in class, mastered his skills, but rarely interacted in the rooms. He knew the pot dealers, held his own parties, and even found a way to charge admission with his brother. He was a gear head, a grease monkey, always trying out a new idea. Unfortunately, like every other soul in the world that wishes to move on he too had to find employment.

At 16 years of age he started sweeping paper. Just scraps, pieces of paper cut from massive machines, something his father had worked on. Tireless, without complaint, he made his money, swept his scraps, and kept working day to day. As he grew older, the company of paper continued to expand and he increased his involvement within the company. He worked as a die cutter, a pressman, and even in the glue room occasionally. He joined the Teamsters Union, not fully getting what the point of that was, and made friends with those who came and went with this company, but he always stayed. Sure, there were other job openings, new beginnings around each corner. From church cleaning to box packing; there was something always available, but he always stayed with the company. In recent years, with economic woes, he took the hits, watched his friends leave, but kept his family his priority. He continued to work. In the building with no air conditioning, the building that smashed his fingers, and even caused him to fall off a stage onto the concrete floor, he always worked. He took his friends fishing once a year for several years, just a weekend on the lake. As the years passed, one by one those friends disappeared, but even without them or even the fishing, he kept working.

Thirty years and more passed, his loyalty never waved. His wife laid in the bed with cancer, and he made it a priority to work in the factory, drive sixty miles south to the hospital, stay with her all day, and head back to work the next day, for months. His family came first, and he stayed with the company to ensure it.

As age came, so did changed, the company switched ownership, new clients came in, and the presses kept running. Every so often there’d be a hiccup in the financials for the plant and paychecks were hit, but that never stopped him from working. 8 hours, 10 hours, even 12 hour shifts ranging from five to six to seven days a week; he never stopped working, always followed orders, and would get up no matter what hour of the day it was.

33 years since the boy brushed the papers along the floor and he still stands there today. He’s a pressman, running one of the massive machines in the plant. He’ll do it for 19 more days.

It was announced last week that June 7th, 2013 would be the last day the company existed. Many clients outsourced to the state of New York from the new owners of a couple years. Everyone would be let go, pensions are practically gone, 401k’s are non-existent and retirement is out of the question. Severance packages would exist, but that massive box at Leonard Road and Easton-Saxton will not make a noise again once that day passes.

With 30+ years of experience, technical school training, but no college degree, where will he go? What will he do to ensure his family stays number one?

Sometimes in life I really do wish that soccer was the only stress that I experience. I’m sure everyone else would agree to have that one item to stress them out, but for everything else to run smoothly. I’ve been thinking over the past several days about this post, and the anger that comes with it. I was informed last Tuesday that Jim’s plant; Climax Packaging [St. Joseph Packaging] is closing on June 7th, 2013 for good; leaving Jim without a job. It has been eating at me for days, even causing a lack of sleep in several instances. I’ll brag on him in this post [because he'd never do it himself], he is one of the hardest working blue collar individuals I’ve ever met. When I first met him [when I was 5] he had a black beard, cut-off black t-shirt, overalls, and carried his lunch in what used to be a tool box. He was one terrifying dude, and to this day that unspoken respect still stands in my mind at a level I didn’t even know existed. He tied my shoes before my first ‘competitive’ mile, made my breakfast nearly every school day for six years, and was the person who took me to every single recreational soccer game as a kid [MC had to work on Saturday's at that time, so don't judge her]. Rather quiet, he unintentionally made  a impact on my life of what a God fearing leader looks like. They don’t always have to be loud with words, because their actions easily make up for them.

The story of Jim and the company, which is very real, translates directly into my approach of soccer. Jim is quiet, from the inner section of St. Joseph, Missouri, wasn’t born with a lot of money, never had a lot of money, never complained about not having a lot of money. He sacrificed so much to put up with a high school brat, while his wife…who he loves unconditionally…was dealing with her body trying to fight cancer; three years before being diagnosed. Those hours he worked, noted above? He worked second jobs throughout the seasons to cover expenses and try to latch onto dreams of a better future for him and MC. He never gave up, was never intimidated by the white collar world, rich jerks, or anything else of the sorts. He is Phil from Duck Dynasty in ways that appear frightening.

I’ve felt gut wrenching awful since hearing about the plant closing. A few days later he was moving my girlfriends car to get his motorcycle out, and the car slipped off the jack and wound up denting the radiator. He called me, explaining what had happened and he’d find a way to buy a new radiator for her. I mean…that poor man felt terrible. After already being crushed with my divorce [he took it worse then MC did], he’s careful with my current relationship [he has no reason to, she love him]. So, I tried to calm him down, she tried to calm him down, MC finally got him calmed down and my heart broke that much more. The world of this man, outside of his family, was spinning out of control and it wasn’t his fault. I mean, he stopped smoking cold turkey just because MC asked him too before they got married. He has his flaws, like all of us, but I’ve never met a human to give so much, sacrifice so much, and believe so much in people…period. He knows very little about soccer, but he loves the Kansas City Shock. He talks about, which just about puts me in tears every time, because I know I’m making him proud.

The Kansas City Shock is in many ways a gift to Kansas City, that was the idea, but it was also a gift to my parents. They’ve watched this thing, they’ve seen the errors, misfortunes, and heartache, but they still believed in me. I work hard, and I lose sleep, because I learned from the best. I learned that you work hard, complain little, and try to help as many people around you as humanly possible. Jim’s behaviors and lessons are dotted throughout this program. Everyone is welcome, he’d never turn someone away. Sleep is lost getting work done, because Jim would do the same thing. The program, unlike so many other soccer programs, isn’t catered to the rich, soccer elite of the area [there, I finally said it]. It’s designed for the hard working, back breaking people who believe that they’re never noticed. They’re like Jim, getting tossed around, but trying to better their lives and those around them. Many of our players would relate well with Jim.

I guess I’m proud to say that I’ve cried through the typing of this entire thing tonight. I could barely keep myself together at MC’s and his house tonight. Why? Because it hurts. Because this guy gave me so much, and the one time, the one time he needs help; I can’t do anything. I can’t save the plant, I can’t buy the company, and I can’t even find him a job. If there is anyone that deserves vacation it is him and MC. I’m not overly sure how to do it, but I’ve got to give back to him. He deserves the attention, recognition, and the peace. Is it alright to say that I just want to help? That one day I just want to present a massive check to my parents and say, “Enjoy the relaxation. It’s taken care of?” Doesn’t Jim deserve to breathe a little easier? Laugh a little more? Actually go fishing again?

I thought this piece would go in the direction of anger; lashing out at the stupid company that outsourced the jobs in Jim’s plant, closing the place down. I am still angry about that; especially on the business side of things. However, thinking back to all of it; I made sure that I was free tonight after work to relax at my parents house. No matter how old I am, or bad mood I’m in, I know I’m safe there. I know that Jim will reheat his coffee, he’ll sit in his chair, and Scamper [his cat] will hop up on him and go to sleep [affectionately referred to as 'sweep-sweep time']. That’s comfort, that’s home, and I don’t want the stupidity of someone else put any of that at risk.

I just want Jim to be happy, happy, happy.

-D-


O: Fighting Words


I just spent thirty minutes yelling in the car.

To no one.

Seriously, if you looked at me yelling in the car while driving to grab some iced coffee for the night, I was yelling at no one.

Reality is though; I was yelling at God.

I’m so sick of fighting.

I expressed this poorly to my girlfriend tonight. I’m sick of fighting. Today was one of the more stressful Friday’s that I had incurred in some time. The more I thought about it, the more I realized…everything I do is about fighting:

  • I’m fighting for business
  • I’m fighting for love
  • I’m fighting for my faith
  • I’m fighting for my dreams
  • I’m fighting for my health

I’m just fighting. Everything in me revolves around fighting, and guess what? I am tired. I’m exhausted. I’m done with fighting. That’s exactly what I yelled at God tonight; I’m sick of not getting rest and I’m sick of fighting.

Don’t judge me…and don’t tell me none of you have thought something similar…

It started from this morning; I woke up in a horrible mood. Business things have been stressful and it showed in the mirror. The whole day I felt tension between myself and my Master, and tonight I finally snapped. It’s been brewing for a while, and I’m yet to see where actually becoming angry with God gets you any further advancement, but tonight I didn’t even care. I was/am irritated, upset, heartbroken, and just plain mad. Sure, nothing in life is free and you have to work for the things you have, but man…it feels like there isn’t anyone even in the corner with me. Where’s my Father? Where’s my God? Where’s the Creator of the universe? I know He’s here, I know He’s listening, watching, and probably pondering in thought [I wonder if He does that], but tonight…like a spoiled child, I’m just angry with God.

I’m simply angry because I’m sick of fighting, but guess what? It doesn’t stop. The fighting never stops, not on this earth at least. The daily battles of good and evil rage on throughout the days and nights. I once read where it says, “I will give rest to the weary”, but I think I’m not weary enough. It’s hard to express it in words, but even in the ‘real world’ the fighting is insane:

I fight businessmen who throw me under the bus every chance they get.
I fight for the sake of our soccer program; pushing and convincing people that we’re real and we’re going to be great.
I fight in a relationship because I’m fighting for the relationship [I'm just terrible at showing it].

Even a month ago this anger issue saw its boiling point when I was threatened to go outside of a Steak-N-Shake with a fellow customer, so he could show me how to talk like a man. I’m taking full blame for that. I was so sick of seeing the waitress being treated so poorly that I just outright called out a family of six who were being jerks. Turns out papa bear wasn’t thrilled with this notion and through some interlaced cursing made it clear that if I didn’t shut it he was going to force me to. My arrogance got the best of me, but before a blow could be landed, his family left the diner. Was I the hero? Nope, I was just a hot head who was sick of seeing people treated so…horribly. That’s all I am, a fighter.

I’m going to try to fall asleep and actually rest, but judging by the spat I just had with God; I doubt rest comes easily.

-D-


O: Irritating Scars


MC has a scar…

I mean like Frankenstein style…like…she’d challenge Kevin Ware stitch-for-stitch [too early]; it was an old surgery wound from her glory days on the hard court in college. Yes, MC was a baller…and then some.

Either way eventually, while going out of bounds to save a ball [in the 70's], she landed…awkwardly…and something within her knee just tore to shreds [I'm still claiming an unknown ACL tear...but that's history].

Anyways, even after the surgery to this very day that scar still hurts. It’s doesn’t matter if someone touches it, the weather changes, whatever the case may be…that scar still hurts. Anyone who has deep scars can relate to the reality that MC has lived with for nearly…40 years now?

There is a reason for this intro story, as you can imagine it is themed around the concept of scars. I revisited mine today.

What I’m getting ready to state has nothing to do with any specific organization, but more so of the realization of my own life.

Today was a unique experience; since officially becoming a member at MoVal I sat in the first ‘vision casting meeting’. Basically this meeting was an attempt to discuss what was taking place down the road, and the future of the church [plus some great food]. The honor of being able to be in the session, while overseen by some perhaps, was a great experience. That doesn’t mean it was easy. There came a part of the meeting where there were some discussions on certain positions within the church, as outlined in Acts and 1 Timothy. When I say that MoVal is a Biblical based church; I’m not kidding. We’re talking that the Greek version of the New Testament was broken out during the meeting. It’s refreshing to know that the only ‘doctrine’ that I have to jack with is the only true doctrine that exist [nice change], but with that comes the reality of what is held within the pages.

I’m going to skip all the details and just say this:

Due to the fact that I’m a Christian, and a divorced one; divorced while I was a Christian [not prior]. Because of this fact, there are some things that I cannot be within the church. The realization of that isn’t…painful…it’s understanding why that is. I could spend all day making excuse after excuse, but honestly? I’m not game for arguing with the Bible.

Consider this my scar. Thorn in my side? Burden? Not sure, but the understanding that as much that is right with my world…that element of my life will always be there.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Boston Part X


Somber.

Quiet.

Boston.

I’ve arrived back in the city a few minutes ago. My hotel is across the street from a National Guard base; as you can imagine they’re on full alert. I think four Hummer’s were sitting out on the entry of the base, lights on, and fully active. Chilling. My hotel, like several other hotels in the area, were packed with Boston Marathon runners. This hotel is silent…just silent. I walked along the sidewalk to my room and saw a few people in sweats and comfortable looking shirts; we made eye contact and we all knew we looked the exact same: tired, confused, and still in a matter of disbelief.

We’ve been informed that everyone is to stay in their homes and hotels tonight. So, no one is moving through the area. From what I know my flight is on schedule for tomorrow morning; the FFA has lifted the ‘no-flight’ area at Boston-Logan. Southwest is allowing flights to be rescheduled, but as I’m sure many others can say…I’d like to get out of this area as fast as possible. With that said; I can’t even imagine what security is going to be like at Boston-Logan. We know the “T” is going to have a very heavy police presence, and between the tunnel [Big Dig] and the international airport, I imagine tomorrow morning is going to be a very, very long morning.

As you can imagine; every television channel and every radio station is 24/7 stream of news and updates. Truthfully I feel the eerily similarity of being in Joplin, Missouri after the tornado a few years ago. Walking zombies of people who have no idea what’s going on, and the overall sadness in the atmosphere. The evident difference is that someone did this on purpose, to create violence, to end life, and create chaos.

I just saw an update along the ticker on the bottom of the screen that we should expect massive delays at Boston-Logan tomorrow. So, I’m going to make my life as simple as possible: laptop goes into the carry-on suitcase. I’ll wear a t-shirt, jacket, and sweats tomorrow; no belts, zippers, or anything else. Make sure that the plastic bag is out in the open with shampoo, and all other liquids, and have my ID and ticket available at a moments notice.

So many of those friends that I had made yesterday, and the players from yesterday were in or at the race. The Boston Breakers were prompt in informing everyone that all players were contacted, all are safe, and all are taken care of currently. It’s unreal to think that 24 hours ago the atmosphere was light, full of excitement with the soccer match. Tonight, even in Somerville, Lexington, and elsewhere in the area…it’s just silent; Boston is silent.

I know several of you who read this have peppered me with questions about today, and my plans for tomorrow, so I hope this assist in clarifying. As far as I’m concerned it is an attempt at military organization tomorrow; make eye contact, say ‘yes sir, no sir’, and focus on getting on the plane.

Here’s to a new day, and here’s to the prayers going to Boston tonight.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Boston Part IX


This was supposed to be humorous.

Sadly I can’t quite find the mindset to bring a smile to even myself. After getting lost in Vermont I went through US 302, winding across the mountain range that actually has Mount Washington in it. During this time I finally got cell reception, saw the emails and suddenly panicked.

I was supposed to be at the finish line. In a random change of events last night I had decided to not go to the Boston Marathon and instead head up here. The realization of that was more then I could handle and required a few minutes of fresh air. Then I started receiving the texts and phone calls from those who knew where I was this weekend. I called MC, she nearly lost it when I told her what had happened and that I was safe. The players from the Boston Breakers were in the race today, but thankfully they were all safe.

This is the first time that I’ve been this…close…to something like this. I imagine that the airport will be a nightmare tomorrow, but for now…I’m unbelievably grateful for direction to head north. No humor in this at all; I’m just happy that somehow God shipped me to Vermont, Canada, and then Portland instead of spending the day in Boston.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Ten Minutes


I’ve made a commitment to myself to be in bed no later than 12:00 AM each night during the work week.

It’s incredible how smooth of a day I had until ten minutes prior to midnight. It just goes to show you that the devil will do whatever he can to discourage you.

Sadly, I confess that I’m discouraged. You know when you work around the clock to build attention on something that you’re working on; something that’s going to be incredible and people just write you off?

Tonight, I’ve been written off…again.

While most times I’d just take it for what it is…this time it was close to home, it was in my backyard, and I’m just discouraged. I feel embarrassed and like a failure to the people around me because I wasn’t able to perform.

It’s 12:03 AM and not only am I still not in bed, I’m headed to bed with a heavy heart and a worn soul.

-D-


O: Boiling Over


It finally happened.

I completely, stupidly, inexcusably lost my cool tonight.

I think I’ve stated before that for quite some time I’ve had to work on controlling my anger. As a youth I would lose my temper in a moments notice and would follow that by making horrible, poor choices on my reaction. Taking a toll on myself, and my faith.

Tonight feels like square one.

I said that this site would be open and honest; both positive and negative. I know lately that it seems more doom and gloom than anything else, but that’s because I can feel myself being worked over more and more these past few weeks. I’m struggling to stay faithful, to hold onto hope, and not be the stubborn Hebrew out in the desert.

My girlfriends mom heading to the hospital added some stress a while back. It would anyone; nothing like what my girlfriend experienced, but my job is to protect; there’s stress that comes with that. Additionally I got taken through the ringer by a relative of hers while I was at the hospital. I’m sure it started as good fun, but when they learned that I was divorced…it was humiliating. I felt absolutely worthless and dirty. It felt like a two year flash back and by the time it was done [my girlfriend removed me from the waiting room] I was shaking because I was so angry. No immediate reaction, but I was so angry. Angry at myself, the man who stated the harsh things, but primarily…I was just mad because the things stated had some truth to them.

The transmission went out in my company car while I was working. Causing my store list to get delayed; factor in not one, but two winter storms on top of that and I was working all the way to the end of the month. As the individual who doesn’t feel worthy of the job I have, it’s like stepping on pins as it is. Completely screwing up a month of evaluations because of the selfish time off I took starting in February…it’s humiliating and causes me for concern. I’m terrified of my boss, and I’d never want to make the company look bad. Between the car and the store list; I did some stupid damage, and I hate the sensation of disappointment. Such as, “Yep, that kid doesn’t have what it takes to be in this position.” It’s a daily fear of mine whether people believe it or not.

Sprinkle in the past three weeks at MoVal being about marriage, and how you should go about it in a Godly, Biblical way…it’s great. The entire three part sermon was amazing. Bluntly though, I walked out feeling disappointed in myself. Perhaps that’s a pride issue? I’m not sure, but the long lasting effects from a divorce, at least in this soul, has been troublesome. Talking about marriage, God, faith, and the mixture of the three in this perfect harmony of  ’one flesh’ hurts simply because I damaged it. I didn’t follow through. I didn’t follow up with the promise my ex-wife and I made before family, friends, and God. I failed. Being reminded of that three weeks in a row; it really adds up.

Let’s go ahead and add the list of bills that continues to grow each month, the student loans that’ll take twenty years to pay back [at least], and making sure that I have enough for rent, electricity, food, gas [for meetings with my businesses when I'm not working with Subway], and that’s another stressful monster in itself.

Finally, soccer. There are things that I’ve posted in this site about being stressed that have brought about some scrutiny from people within our organization. The reality is; I’m stressed. I’m not stressed because I’m taking on too much. I’m stressed because I’m working around the clock to get things taken care of, looking good in the social media world [though some errors along those lines were made this month as well], and then trying to sleep with the notion that:

  • Some people in this world want you to fail. It’s a sad, harsh reality, but very true.
  • Some people have a hard time respecting you when you fail to lead, when you fail to follow through, and you fail to stand up for yourself.

As I said above, I’ve worked very hard these past two years, working on controlling my anger and not lashing out at anyone. I don’t believe that it is worth it. It’s a waste of energy to scream, yell, and attempt to look ‘macho’. It’s hard feeling like you’re under trial 24/7. Additionally, along the footy lines there are other things in the workings; they’re some very large projects that I’m excited about, but have taken some serious tolls. We’ve come across hurdle, after hurdle, after hurdle, and it isn’t easy ['no one said it would be', I know, I know] and that just piles on as well.

Also, as of two days ago; I’m sick. For the third time since December and that is a new record for me. My immune system is giving up, wearing out, and throwing in the towel. Now I’m just having to use the towel to blow my nose.

Much of this brings us to tonight. After a business meeting all day with Subway [including a CX debate with myself against my boss] I stopped in to get some coffee before heading home to crash, after I had spent a few hours talking to MC about…well…life.

First, a man who was very intoxicated came in. There are four girls working in the store, one of which was my girlfriend. So, I stayed in the store for an extra two hours. Later it was learned that he had been picked up by the city police after his two visits within the store. Uncomfortable to say the least…and stressful.

Secondly, and this is all on me. I want everyone to know that what I’m getting ready to say is 100% my fault, and no one else. There was a moment when an individual promptly parked at the front of the store, the passenger got out and went in to get some coffee. I made a rude comment about the individuals parking job [as the vehicle did ride onto the curb...for fun]. One way or another that message found its way to the driver. I know this because as I went out to get into the ‘gokart’ [name for the Mazda2 rental car] the vehicle came speeding by me sprayed me with slush, rocks, and snow and sped off into the parking lot.

I lost it.

Completely lost it.

I stormed back into the store, spoke very harshly about what had just happened and stormed out and went home [at the moment I would have rather chased the vehicle through the city].

I made a scene in the coffee shop.

I made a scene in front of my girlfriend.

I raised my voice.

My anger boiled over.

I yelled in the phone.

I yelled in the car.

I just yelled.

I’ve since apologized to my girlfriend, but it doesn’t take back the action that I’ve displayed. I don’t have an excuse, though I wish the paragraphs above could justify my need to exert such anger. Realistically though; they don’t. Life is rough, Satan is working on me hard…and tonight I failed.

The best thing I can say, and I’m getting some serious rest after this, is to those that I’ve directly and indirectly drove up the wall in recent weeks; from work, soccer, family, friends, and everyone else in between. I’m sorry.

I’m just sorry.

-D-


O: Lost In Communication


It’s the weekend; as stated before, I’m working through the week, and that’s alright.

I’m just spending time lost in communication.

I’m still working on a “O” draft, but for now I just want to type a bit. I’m not tired, full of sleep, and have a wonderful evening planned with my girlfriend, MC, and Jim. however, the mind never stops, it’s a raging machine always looking for answers. My girlfriend, being ever-so-supportive is always telling me not to worry, don’t stress, “God will take care of it”, and I instantly notice how easy it is to preach to someone that God has it under control [not a shot at her, but in regards to myself] and yet when it comes time for you to show your faith, and let Him have control…it feels impossible.

We were eating breakfast at IHOP a few days ago, since everything else was closed in town due to the snow, and we were talking about stress, fears, and the unknown.

From the innocent, young adult side; the Kansas City Shock is one of the scariest things I’ve ever been a part of. It’s “faith 101″, you have to have it to survive. There is literally no guarantees with anything in this business; something is changing on a daily basis, and I’m always in fear of making the wrong move.

More notably I see what lies down the road, what’s “next” for our program and I know the requirements that need to be in place, but I’m not always sure how they’re going to come about. It’s a horrible, gut-wrenching feeling. Until you take a deep breath, step back, and watch some of the things that have transpired:

  • Didn’t get the home field we wanted; ended up wrapping up into a brand new facility instead
  • Hype? Not a ton, but being able to speak at entrepreneurship conferences in Kansas City can quickly change that
  • Not knowing how to enter the program into the league; the immediate fans changed all of that
  • The group of people within the city, and within the country that send messages of encouragement
  • The talented graphic design company that was created out of nothing, but whom I’ve known for my life during college and beyond
  • Immediate player issues, and when looking back it has become a filter process for the dynamics of the program
  • Getting the news press left and right? No, instead we’re tapping into the younger, up-and-coming journalists within our area

Most of that took place in a few days time span, and of course that’s only a tip of the iceberg.

This is where it becomes hard; you start to doubt, you fear you’re in the wrong direction, and then suddenly…out of nowhere, this presence takes over and shows you something that immediately just happened without you realizing. A nugget to just hold you over and keep you patient; like manna and quail.

I guess, even though I screw up, doubt, and don’t always rest easily; in the end I can only ask this…

…whom shall I fear?

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Archives


I restarted my Tumblr account today.

The Tumblr account was created with one sole purpose: to lose weight.

The account was a accountable tool I used starting back in January of 2011. At that point in my life I was unemployed and 275 pounds. I didn’t work out, I didn’t run, and I didn’t eat well. Realistically, we can just say that I was a mess.

However, I grew tired of it. My pants wouldn’t fit, my shirts were too tight in the wrong areas, and even taking self portraits with a webcam was painful. I had become that person that I said I had never become.

So, starting at the end of January I started a year long program of destroying the weight, and I’ll be honest; it worked. By fall of last year, well after a full year had passed; I was down to 225. For my frame that is an ideal weight.

Since fall I’ve packed on some pounds; moving, gym memberships, apartments, pizza, donuts, and traveling all add up over time.

My girlfriend noticed and encouraged me to get active again, and not lose track of my personal goals. That’s what started up Tumblr today.

The thing about digital devices that you leave over time and come back to can be the skeletons that still remain in them. My Tumblr account has over thirty pages to it; that’s a lot of information dating all of the way back to January of 2011.

I was still married.

Foolishly tonight I went through some archive files on the account; noting the journey that I’ve had [similar to this site]. However, the more I read the more fearful I became.

Let’s remove the Shock from the image for a moment.
Let’s remove the apartment, the job, and the future.
Get it all out of the way.

Sometimes when I talk to individuals, media, etc…I take a few moments to review the journey I’ve been on since 2011, it’s been a crazy one for sure. However, as unique as it is, it’s something I never, ever want to even come remotely close to reliving ever again.

I still get scared of repeating the past. I still fear losing everything…again. I’m terrified of messing up, screwing up, and letting people down. I joke around that frequently I don’t sleep at night; it’s overrated. The real reason I don’t sleep at night is because I don’t want to relive the life I once had, I don’t want to remember June of 2011, I don’t want to remember September; I don’t care if it is all part of ‘who I am’, I don’t want it to be.

I’m not the owner of a premier women’s soccer team, and I’m not a corporate inspector for Subway. I’m an only child who screwed up big time a year and a half ago, and I’ve had to spend the past twenty months rebuilding everything about my life. This is why stress from the day-to-day can get to me, but doesn’t scare me away.

I’ve met isolation; I’ve lived with depression, and I’ve drank from the cup of hopelessness. These are my nightmares that I hope will forever stay locked away.

-D-


Mobile Minutes: Fears


I’m pumping them out tonight (gotta get that view count up):

Let’s see…I’m 25 years old.

What are most 25 year olds doing at this point?

Full time job
Paying off college
Engaged
Married
Family
Finishing the transition from college life to “adult” life
Tying ties
Polishing shoes
Hybrids
Traffic jams
John Mayer (…)
Sunday lunch
Vacations (planned)
Favorite team
Favorite jeans
Budgeting
Saving
Planning
Quietly ending dreams
Following authorities
Taxes
Small groups
Wool socks (?)
Sports Talk Radio
Water Cooler
Politics
Mortgages
Loans (Part II)
“Happy Pounds” (!)

…to think that I’m fearful of growing up…

-D-


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