Mobile Minutes: Streak


Still nothing from the state on my license renewal…
I’ve started work on my resume…
I’ll start on other school district substitute forms tomorrow…
I’ve lost my motivation to run…
My wife is chronically disappointed in me…
I applied to Walgreens today…

I fear this is what they call a losing streak…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Breaking


I cried last night. While laying in bed this overwhelming sensation of guilt and failure rushed over me. The best thing I could do was hold Darco, whisper, “I’m sorry”, and hope to fall asleep.
It’s isn’t that I miss the job, it’s knowing what kind of bind my shortcoming has placed on our family…again. We learned that it may take up to six weeks for my substitute license to get renewed through DESE (Dept. of Elementary and Secondary Education), and of course that was a sensation of heartache that came through the family when we learned that.
Whether I liked my previous job or not really isn’t the question, it’s more about understanding that I failed. Again.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Self


I can firmly say the phone call I just received is a first for me. The dialogue when kind of like this:

Me: Why are you crying?
Darco: Because I’m anxious.
Me: Why are you anxious?
Darco: Because I’ve never gone out and spent money on clothes for myself.

So here’s the deal. Darco, as we’ve talked about before, grew up dirt poor. Moving from place to place due to her mother being evicted. It is a really sad story. When we met, Darco’s wardrobe consisted of work clothes, old athletic shorts, and t-shirts from high school.

That. Was. It.

When we got married we were super broke for several reasons. I still told her that when the day arrived, we would purchase a new set of clothes for her.

Praise God that day was today. With holes in her work shirts and shoes, today was the day to wipe the slate clean.

However, much to my surprise. Instead of being thrilled with a shopping spree, my wife was scared to spend any money. Crying from anxiety of getting something for herself.

This is my life…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Morning of Mourning


I woke up to a very tragic text this morning. A young woman (24) was killed in a car accident last night.

Sadly, she was a competitor against me in speech/debate in high school, my prom date, and even my girlfriend for a period of time.

Not really how I expected my morning to start, but…without sounding too “church-y”, I would at least ask to keep her family in your prayers.

Death is never easy on anyone.

Let Tuesday begin…

-D-

XO: Questioning Leadership


There are just some things in life that take place of which nothing can compare you for. I guess I’m supposed to say that, that is ‘part of life’, but sometimes life makes no sense.

Sometimes family can be the catalyst, and recently that’s been a serious issue. By serious please know that I’m not talking about bickering, gossip, and the other trivial garbage that takes place within DNA strands, but serious problems.

Last year, the week that Darco and I got married, my mother-in-law was evicted from her home. Resulting in Darco, myself, MC, and Jim cleaning up a house that she vacated [and a cat she abandoned]. She moved up north with family, and I had assumed that, that was how life was going to move. This, of course, was after she wound in the hospital last February due to not being able to move CO2 out of her body at a quick enough pace. Understand that Darco is her only daughter, and the only family member that’ll stick their neck for her.

thought this was the pattern life would be in, and we could focus on each other and move forward. Until earlier this week, along with all the stupid stuff I spoke of earlier, I received a distraught phone call from my wife. She explained to me that my mother-in-law had been kicked out of the house she was staying in, and was now planning on living in her Jeep in the city.

I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.

This individual is diabetic, and also needs a breathing machine at night. She can’t stay with us because she can’t physically get up all of our stairs. We learned yesterday that she’d been lying about where her disability checks were going [to a random scam artist via Facebook]. My wife is a complete disaster; I mean an emotional mess, it’s sickening and saddening. As the husband, as the leader of the household…I have no idea what to do.

Unfortunately I come from a position where there’s little sympathy for people who purposefully make these decisions, and refuse to be assisted by anyone else. It’s along the lines of someone standing on the side of the highway with a sign reading, “anything helps”; I’ve witnessed people offer to buy food, a meal, etc…but many just want money. This is a terrible example of the same thing that’s going on with our family.

As you could imagine; the level of stress from this constant drama is unbelievable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m supposed to lead, and I’m clueless. We’re not made of money, and we’re barely making it on our own at this point. I’ve been in a position without a life [see page one], I’ve stolen food from motels for meals before, but I tried my hardest to get back on my feet and I was in my early twenties; not my late forties.

It’s also frustrating to see this take place leading up to Mother’s Day. I’ve seen my wife get lied to over, and over, and over again by the same person. She has a heart for people that few, if any, will ever be able to reach in size. Because of that, every time her eyes are opened to the truth, her heart is broken all over again. I’m supposed to protect her from that, but does mean I protect her from her own mother? I don’t know the answer. I know that I’ve had to deal with anger and bitterness as of late because I hate seeing people take advantage of others, but I’m not sure where I’m supposed to step in. What’s my position? What’s my authority? Any? I don’t know.

I know that as always, though not always my favorite, prayer is the best tool we have. In times like this, it’s about the only tool we have.

I confess: I’m growing weary of life’s struggles.

-D-

XO: Trending


There are just those moments when you’re given the opportunity to spread your wings…
And in those moments you’re also allowed to see adversity that lies beyond the obvious…

This week has been an absolute challenge. It’s started with  surprise press releases, wound up with a surprise appearance and presentation at the Kauffman Foundation, and added with that was a few very late night meetings in the office.

Nothing was meant to be easy I suppose.

However, it was today that the frustrations of the sports world finally came to a head in my personal life. Per usual, as many things in this wonderful reality, it stemmed directly from the women’s soccer world, and frankly…I’m tired of the Kansas City Shock being chronically underestimated and overlooked.

Why was I at the Kauffman Foundation today? Because the Kansas City Shock was being presented again. Nearly a year after the first presentation. It was an absolute honor. What I thoroughly enjoy about the opportunity is that the Kansas City Shock has the opportunity to reach into the business sector of Kansas City. This way the program isn’t seen as just ‘some soccer team’, it’s a living breathing that is making a conscious effort to let the city know that. It’s something that was built into the original blueprint; the program isn’t just a program that stems from soccer on the field, but technology in the digital world, and a business mindset in the office. We’re trying to redefine women’s soccer, no matter the size of our program.

Realistically, I would have thought that people in the soccer world of Kansas City would have cared. A press release went out on it [I know, I reviewed it] to all media outlets within the community. Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ had the information posted everywhere as quick as we could get it out. I thought on our end we did everything we were supposed to do to get the information to as many people as we could.

Darco was sick, so I was alone at the Kauffman Foundation. There was no press, no media, no one within the soccer community of Kansas City. It was just another reminder of where we stand in the hierarchy of what others dictate as important. During the same time some mad man was ranting about the National Women’s Soccer League on Twitter, two teams had announced…or were going to announce…venue changes. Realistically, what I’ve learned about the majority of women’s soccer is that news really isn’t reported. News is staged and drama is strummed up in order to receive more ‘hits’ on the digital side of the industry.

That’s the game that is played, and because of how the Kansas City Shock is structured, we don’t belong in that game.
Ever.

Which also means that we don’t belong in that spotlight. Frankly, it’s recognizing that the Kansas City Star wants nothing to do with our program, but the Kansas City Business Journal covers our developments.

We’re not the rich kids.
We’re not the well behaved kids.
We’re not from the suburbs.
We don’t suck up.
We do tell people where to stick it.
We’re unapologetic.
We form our own identity.

Needless to say, when a women’s soccer program is speaking on the development of business, social media, software integration, and the sorts; I would assume from listening over the years of all the belly aching that the poor, pitiful charity organization referred to as women’s soccer, would embrace the concept that someone, anyone is being recognized as a real business. Stupidly, I assumed that people within the industry would be proud to see a program that’s trying to pave the way to a point where this industry may finally be taken seriously by the rest of the people that aren’t associated with the game [that's called the majority].

Nothing.
Silence.

It sickened me to watch people drop over dead for rumors of trades that were already done behind close doors, and the rants of a sports agent. I thought we did something great…I thought we did something today that grew the game. I thought we followed through with what we were supposed to do to grow the expectations and excitement of women’s soccer.

But we didn’t have the right name.
But we’re not in the right league.
But we don’t have the right ownership.
But we’re not rich enough.
But we’re not manipulative.
But we aren’t liars.
But we’re not the poster child for this industries expectations…

I was saddened heading over to the office afterwards. Know that one many was right several months ago, “No one gives a s%#! about you.” What’s more unfortunate is that, that isn’t even the case outside of our industry, that’s the story within the industry.

With all that said, this post is specifically me complaining because the hard working people of the Kansas City Shock [not myself, please believe that] fight every day to do something incredible, but the world of women’s soccer…doesn’t care. I’ll never understand why; I only know that it’s only going to get more convoluted as time elapses.

Finally, to pour salt on the wound. I’ll leave tonight with this blunt, joyful/disheartening reality.

…yet we still aren’t justified in the eyes of the ‘soccer demigods’ of Kansas City.

Going to bed tired, worn out, disheartened, and frustrated. I know that’s not where God wants me to be, but it’s hard to have faith in your purpose when you understand that redemption will never come to you and yours. You’re in a fight on your own.

-D-

XO: Vengeance


Alright, time for you to get ‘the list’ out. Yes, the list that no Christian ever possesses; the list of severity of a sin based on what the sin is. You know what I’m talking about.

Tonight, for sake of honesty, I’m getting mine out. My hidden list that completely goes against the concept of what Christianity teaches. Why? Because I’m one very messed up human who has some serious grudge issues.

My number one sin; the top of the top is…

REVENGE

Why? Because I’m full of it. This burning, lustful desire to ensure that none of the people that have turned their backs on me gets to vanish without knowing exactly who I am, and that they were completely wrong on who I was. It also reaches out to those who have hurt me, damaged trust, used me, or just plain left me to rot.

It’s incredible the unique description of this list; it includes at least three ‘men of God’ [preachers], and all sorts of other individuals. Is this list wrong? YES! INSANELY YES! However, painfully, it’s a burden that I bare, and a curse that I live with.

The horrible reality is that they’re all right.

I didn’t rise above. I didn’t become someone great. I didn’t become the humanitarian, and I failed a ‘missionary’. I’m a ruined, tainted Christian due to a Baptist-style divorce, and I’ve now successfully watched two church bodies lose pastors for absolutely insane, selfish reasons. I feel like again, I’ve completely failed my wife, and that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror…I’ve gained that much weight. I wake up in the morning and I find myself apologizing in the shower. Telling God I’m sorry for being a mistake, I’m sorry for damaging so many plans, and tarnishing His kingdom. I can’t even express in words how much, as of late, I honestly feel like a failure.

My outlet is reverting back to stupid mindsets of uncontrollable anger, frustration, and sorrow. A student today said that I sound like I’m a loner, and unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. Most importantly I feel terrible for Darco, I have this undying fear that I’ve caused so much regret for her. That I’m never happy and it destroys her; even though it has nothing to do with her.

The harsh reality is that I can’t make anyone happy, I can’t do anything right, and I’m a joke of a Christian.

Sounds pretty pitiful right?

That’s because it is.

I would be a liar if I told you life was perfect, easy, and full of happiness. It’s hard, it’s dark, and it’s full of disappointment. Much of this is brought upon myself, and I have no excuse. I accept these realities, and openly choose not to pin anyone else for them.

I don’t understand God’s plan, I have no idea what to do, and I’m in a 24/7 state of confusion. These are all truths. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m not praying for a ‘bright light’. I’m merely asking for peace for me and mine, and constant persuasion to hold onto hope. It feels like I’m slipping, that anger that I’ve worked on monitoring for years is flaring back up, and I don’t want my plague to affect anyone else.

I know God is here, I understand that He loves and forgives, but I also understand when anyone makes the statement starting with:

But God could never use someone like me…

-D-