XXXI: Failing to Save


I blame the depressing winter weather…

Heading home from dinner tonight I started thinking back to years past. Way into the years that had passed. I started to think about missed opportunities, failed acquaintances, and let downs. I feel guilty for my past. So many times opportunities were given to make the right move, and time and time again…I missed.

In several of those instances it came back to relationships. I don’t know how Darco does it, I really don’t, because the majority of the major mishaps in my life have originated from relationships. Really, I struggle with people. I place so many on altars of praise that I completely miss the point of why praise even exists. I take responsibility for damaging my first love by being a horrified, shallow example of a God-less Christian in the end. The same holds true to my first, second, and third relationship in college. Truly, I was a guy that should have never dated. I started off as a politician; smooth, charming, and kind. In the end, I was shallow, selfish, and manipulative. Can I be brutally honest? It’s been three going on four years since the divorce, and while I 100% am against divorce, I also 100% recognize and don’t blame my ex-wife for leaving. I failed that marriage because I failed to protect my heart.

Perhaps all of this is what makes Darco that much more amazing. She knows all of it, she knows the details of my failures, the things I will be judged for, and still loves me.

She’s definitely more Christ-like than she realizes.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Numb Death


Death.
The context of it didn’t mean much to me growing up. I accepted the idea of death, but an individual dying didn’t play at my heart strings.

Truly, honestly it was until finding out this morning that a former supervisor (and a current friend) lost their spouse, that the truth of death really set in.

Finding the news made my heart hurt. I put Darco in the scenario, and the imaginary trip from that was enough to force me from bed to locate food.

It hurts. Death hurts when you embrace love. As a Christian I can speak of the peace associated with the first death, but as a human the reality is still haunting.

I’m going to squeeze Darco a little tighter tonight, and keep praying for my friend. I suppose all of this reminds me that I’m getting a little older, and my heart is finally getting a little softer.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Poetic Confessions


Poetic confessions,
Screaming from the resonating chambers of my heart.
Medicated soul strings,
Covering hopeless, lifeless eyes.

Calling for a savior,
Reaching for reality’s escape.
Falling into eternity,
Losing a grasp in humanity’s case.

Hear Your child,
God of Adam.
Hold his bleeding life,
Save him from his sinful lies.

Reject my desires,
Hold fast to Your plan.
Break me, glorious Spirit,
Deny the ability of pouring eyes.

Shake away the tears of temptation,
Shatter my sense of loss.
Refuse the inplicable hope of death,
Restore my weary faith.

Please Father,
Reach me in these trialing times!
Cling to my tattered body,
Cleanse my damaged, distorted life.

Mobile Minutes: Streak


Still nothing from the state on my license renewal…
I’ve started work on my resume…
I’ll start on other school district substitute forms tomorrow…
I’ve lost my motivation to run…
My wife is chronically disappointed in me…
I applied to Walgreens today…

I fear this is what they call a losing streak…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Morning of Mourning


I woke up to a very tragic text this morning. A young woman (24) was killed in a car accident last night.

Sadly, she was a competitor against me in speech/debate in high school, my prom date, and even my girlfriend for a period of time.

Not really how I expected my morning to start, but…without sounding too “church-y”, I would at least ask to keep her family in your prayers.

Death is never easy on anyone.

Let Tuesday begin…

-D-

XO: Questioning Leadership


There are just some things in life that take place of which nothing can compare you for. I guess I’m supposed to say that, that is ‘part of life’, but sometimes life makes no sense.

Sometimes family can be the catalyst, and recently that’s been a serious issue. By serious please know that I’m not talking about bickering, gossip, and the other trivial garbage that takes place within DNA strands, but serious problems.

Last year, the week that Darco and I got married, my mother-in-law was evicted from her home. Resulting in Darco, myself, MC, and Jim cleaning up a house that she vacated [and a cat she abandoned]. She moved up north with family, and I had assumed that, that was how life was going to move. This, of course, was after she wound in the hospital last February due to not being able to move CO2 out of her body at a quick enough pace. Understand that Darco is her only daughter, and the only family member that’ll stick their neck for her.

thought this was the pattern life would be in, and we could focus on each other and move forward. Until earlier this week, along with all the stupid stuff I spoke of earlier, I received a distraught phone call from my wife. She explained to me that my mother-in-law had been kicked out of the house she was staying in, and was now planning on living in her Jeep in the city.

I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.

This individual is diabetic, and also needs a breathing machine at night. She can’t stay with us because she can’t physically get up all of our stairs. We learned yesterday that she’d been lying about where her disability checks were going [to a random scam artist via Facebook]. My wife is a complete disaster; I mean an emotional mess, it’s sickening and saddening. As the husband, as the leader of the household…I have no idea what to do.

Unfortunately I come from a position where there’s little sympathy for people who purposefully make these decisions, and refuse to be assisted by anyone else. It’s along the lines of someone standing on the side of the highway with a sign reading, “anything helps”; I’ve witnessed people offer to buy food, a meal, etc…but many just want money. This is a terrible example of the same thing that’s going on with our family.

As you could imagine; the level of stress from this constant drama is unbelievable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m supposed to lead, and I’m clueless. We’re not made of money, and we’re barely making it on our own at this point. I’ve been in a position without a life [see page one], I’ve stolen food from motels for meals before, but I tried my hardest to get back on my feet and I was in my early twenties; not my late forties.

It’s also frustrating to see this take place leading up to Mother’s Day. I’ve seen my wife get lied to over, and over, and over again by the same person. She has a heart for people that few, if any, will ever be able to reach in size. Because of that, every time her eyes are opened to the truth, her heart is broken all over again. I’m supposed to protect her from that, but does mean I protect her from her own mother? I don’t know the answer. I know that I’ve had to deal with anger and bitterness as of late because I hate seeing people take advantage of others, but I’m not sure where I’m supposed to step in. What’s my position? What’s my authority? Any? I don’t know.

I know that as always, though not always my favorite, prayer is the best tool we have. In times like this, it’s about the only tool we have.

I confess: I’m growing weary of life’s struggles.

-D-

XO: I Am No One


I am no one…

…and it feels great.

I was running last night through some rural roads while a storm system passed through; creating a delightful [and cold experience]. Upon my return back to the starting position of the adventure it started to sink in…

I am no one…

However, in past experiences this would be met with doubt, guilty, pity, and a plethora of other mentioned terms that’d make me feel sorry for myself, yesterday was not that experience.

I am no one…

Over the past two years I received exactly what I wanted, I got a taste of the spotlight, and I accepted the pressures of life before me. I tried, I failed, and then I was brushed off and led onto a new path. I love my life; I have an awesome wife and an incredible job. Imagine, I sit at a computer all day finding ways to market products and services through social media. I practically live on Twitter and Google+, how cool is that? My wife has become a health nut, of which I love her even more because of it. We travel, work on new projects, pray for her promotion, and watch life evolve before us.

I am no one…

I am not a successful businessman, entrepreneurship really isn’t my thing; even though I find the process fascinating. I love to type, dream of writing, and get wrapped up in new, creative ways to market new ideas and dreams. I wasn’t really designed to be in the spotlight, the preacher, teacher, businessman, or anything of the life. I enjoy being behind the scenes, staying quiet, and operating life from the stroke of the keys. How different is that from a piano player? I read books, run outside, and drive throughout the country between work and home. There are dreams of fitness, and hopes of health; knowing that one will always compliment the other. I hang out with my best friend, she’s everything to me and I couldn’t have dreamed up a better life partner. We’ve witnessed tragedy, disappointment, and many sleepless nights, but God never left our side. We’ve cried for repentance, and wept when hope felt lost, but each morning we’d wake up knowing that He was still in control.

I’m trying to live a reality and a dream I had years upon years ago; simple truth of being less so God can become more. It’s taken hard lessons, and painful realities, but as time progresses scars do really heal. My blood pleasure is lowered, and sleep comes rather easy these days. More time is spent with family, and after 7:00  each night social media world gets placed on hold for the next morning. There are dreams and ambitions, many tasks I hope to accomplish, and bigger adventures that lie beyond the current path.

With that said though, no matter the event that lays before me, or the path that is taken, I am so much more comfortable hanging out in the shadows, being more quiet compared to loud, and learning to put pride aside and understand what ‘me’ is really about. The idea of ‘me’ is merely pride, accepting that the importance of life revolves around yourself. It’s a dangerous place to be as a Christian, and it become hard to keep your tongue controlled. Thankfully God is good, a loving Father that always rescues His kids every time that they’ve fallen. In recent months I’ve fallen hard, and it’s hurt, and it caused pain, but at the end the lesson learn was understanding that when the sun sets, when the sun rises, I have to always uphold to a holistic truth:

I am no one…

-D-