It finally happened.

I completely, stupidly, inexcusably lost my cool tonight.

I think I’ve stated before that for quite some time I’ve had to work on controlling my anger. As a youth I would lose my temper in a moments notice and would follow that by making horrible, poor choices on my reaction. Taking a toll on myself, and my faith.

Tonight feels like square one.

I said that this site would be open and honest; both positive and negative. I know lately that it seems more doom and gloom than anything else, but that’s because I can feel myself being worked over more and more these past few weeks. I’m struggling to stay faithful, to hold onto hope, and not be the stubborn Hebrew out in the desert.

My girlfriends mom heading to the hospital added some stress a while back. It would anyone; nothing like what my girlfriend experienced, but my job is to protect; there’s stress that comes with that. Additionally I got taken through the ringer by a relative of hers while I was at the hospital. I’m sure it started as good fun, but when they learned that I was divorced…it was humiliating. I felt absolutely worthless and dirty. It felt like a two year flash back and by the time it was done [my girlfriend removed me from the waiting room] I was shaking because I was so angry. No immediate reaction, but I was so angry. Angry at myself, the man who stated the harsh things, but primarily…I was just mad because the things stated had some truth to them.

The transmission went out in my company car while I was working. Causing my store list to get delayed; factor in not one, but two winter storms on top of that and I was working all the way to the end of the month. As the individual who doesn’t feel worthy of the job I have, it’s like stepping on pins as it is. Completely screwing up a month of evaluations because of the selfish time off I took starting in February…it’s humiliating and causes me for concern. I’m terrified of my boss, and I’d never want to make the company look bad. Between the car and the store list; I did some stupid damage, and I hate the sensation of disappointment. Such as, “Yep, that kid doesn’t have what it takes to be in this position.” It’s a daily fear of mine whether people believe it or not.

Sprinkle in the past three weeks at MoVal being about marriage, and how you should go about it in a Godly, Biblical way…it’s great. The entire three part sermon was amazing. Bluntly though, I walked out feeling disappointed in myself. Perhaps that’s a pride issue? I’m not sure, but the long lasting effects from a divorce, at least in this soul, has been troublesome. Talking about marriage, God, faith, and the mixture of the three in this perfect harmony of  ’one flesh’ hurts simply because I damaged it. I didn’t follow through. I didn’t follow up with the promise my ex-wife and I made before family, friends, and God. I failed. Being reminded of that three weeks in a row; it really adds up.

Let’s go ahead and add the list of bills that continues to grow each month, the student loans that’ll take twenty years to pay back [at least], and making sure that I have enough for rent, electricity, food, gas [for meetings with my businesses when I'm not working with Subway], and that’s another stressful monster in itself.

Finally, soccer. There are things that I’ve posted in this site about being stressed that have brought about some scrutiny from people within our organization. The reality is; I’m stressed. I’m not stressed because I’m taking on too much. I’m stressed because I’m working around the clock to get things taken care of, looking good in the social media world [though some errors along those lines were made this month as well], and then trying to sleep with the notion that:

• Some people in this world want you to fail. It’s a sad, harsh reality, but very true.
• Some people have a hard time respecting you when you fail to lead, when you fail to follow through, and you fail to stand up for yourself.

As I said above, I’ve worked very hard these past two years, working on controlling my anger and not lashing out at anyone. I don’t believe that it is worth it. It’s a waste of energy to scream, yell, and attempt to look ‘macho’. It’s hard feeling like you’re under trial 24/7. Additionally, along the footy lines there are other things in the workings; they’re some very large projects that I’m excited about, but have taken some serious tolls. We’ve come across hurdle, after hurdle, after hurdle, and it isn’t easy ['no one said it would be', I know, I know] and that just piles on as well.

Also, as of two days ago; I’m sick. For the third time since December and that is a new record for me. My immune system is giving up, wearing out, and throwing in the towel. Now I’m just having to use the towel to blow my nose.

Much of this brings us to tonight. After a business meeting all day with Subway [including a CX debate with myself against my boss] I stopped in to get some coffee before heading home to crash, after I had spent a few hours talking to MC about…well…life.

First, a man who was very intoxicated came in. There are four girls working in the store, one of which was my girlfriend. So, I stayed in the store for an extra two hours. Later it was learned that he had been picked up by the city police after his two visits within the store. Uncomfortable to say the least…and stressful.

Secondly, and this is all on me. I want everyone to know that what I’m getting ready to say is 100% my fault, and no one else. There was a moment when an individual promptly parked at the front of the store, the passenger got out and went in to get some coffee. I made a rude comment about the individuals parking job [as the vehicle did ride onto the curb...for fun]. One way or another that message found its way to the driver. I know this because as I went out to get into the ‘gokart’ [name for the Mazda2 rental car] the vehicle came speeding by me sprayed me with slush, rocks, and snow and sped off into the parking lot.

I lost it.

Completely lost it.

I stormed back into the store, spoke very harshly about what had just happened and stormed out and went home [at the moment I would have rather chased the vehicle through the city].

I made a scene in the coffee shop.

I made a scene in front of my girlfriend.

I raised my voice.

My anger boiled over.

I yelled in the phone.

I yelled in the car.

I just yelled.

I’ve since apologized to my girlfriend, but it doesn’t take back the action that I’ve displayed. I don’t have an excuse, though I wish the paragraphs above could justify my need to exert such anger. Realistically though; they don’t. Life is rough, Satan is working on me hard…and tonight I failed.

The best thing I can say, and I’m getting some serious rest after this, is to those that I’ve directly and indirectly drove up the wall in recent weeks; from work, soccer, family, friends, and everyone else in between. I’m sorry.

I’m just sorry.

-D-