Mobile Minutes: Jupiter’s Storm


What I’m learning…
I love my students. Middle school kids crack me up on a daily basis. They’re strange, but they’re a ton of fun and the energy level never ends. It’s a perfect environment for me.

Chaos, energy, and attitude.

Sadly, like everything in life (not just work related) there is a flipside to this scenario. There’s a daily temptation that roams the halls each day that I exist, this whispering little serpent that winds itself in and out of the classrooms. It’s wrapped up in drama, gossip, rumors, and in many cases nothing in favor for the students.

My biggest struggle, deepest prayer, and darkest fear all stems from not giving into the world that’s before me. I never knew that even with the enjoyment of students, a quagmire of personal fear thrives in such a safe haven of joy.

It’s a learning lesson for sure, and definitely something that’ll never go away. No different than Jupiter’s ongoing storm, this reality and educational moment will continue to spin.

Perhaps I just need a bit more sugar and caffeine in the morning.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Poetic Confessions


Poetic confessions,
Screaming from the resonating chambers of my heart.
Medicated soul strings,
Covering hopeless, lifeless eyes.

Calling for a savior,
Reaching for reality’s escape.
Falling into eternity,
Losing a grasp in humanity’s case.

Hear Your child,
God of Adam.
Hold his bleeding life,
Save him from his sinful lies.

Reject my desires,
Hold fast to Your plan.
Break me, glorious Spirit,
Deny the ability of pouring eyes.

Shake away the tears of temptation,
Shatter my sense of loss.
Refuse the inplicable hope of death,
Restore my weary faith.

Please Father,
Reach me in these trialing times!
Cling to my tattered body,
Cleanse my damaged, distorted life.

Mobile Minutes: 93% Cacao


Ehhh…
I’m currently listening to a pastor compare the Kansas City Royals to the royalty of Christ.
*sigh*
Sorry, just feels like a gimmick. Non-intentional I’m sure, but my evil college theology roots are brewing this morning. I’m obviously not that creative, hence why I’m rather bitter about the strange comparison.
That and the fact that I truly despise how our culture revolves around athletics and not other identity of a culture.
I’m obviously lacking patience due to my lack of coffee. I can see the comparison, I understand the points, but I must be becoming old and weathered because it just seems cliche (having half the church body demonstrating their allegiance by wearing “vintage” Royals also is…well…meh).
Perhaps I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I’m overwhelmingly lacking the enjoyment, the sweetness of life. I’m merely dealing with internal bitters that seem to have filtered into the blood stream (why does no one ever refer to a ‘soul stream’).

Life is hard, marriage takes work, and patience is always lacking. Runs don’t move as smoothly, and the fridge tends to be empty (or worse, requiring actual cooking).

image

Le...meh

People wear me out, and cyberspace is inviting. I could get lost in zero’s and one’s and be at peace. However, as tempting as that utopia seems, I still know it isn’t where my life should exist, and no, I don’t always enjoy acknowledging that truth.

Today, I’m merely like dark chocolate. The 93% dark chocolate, there is nothing sweet, it’s just bitter, but in some ways dealing with that bitterness can equal added health benefits.

I acknowledge my lack of patience, bitterness, and overall anger today (no breakfast aids to that). I’m not in a good mood, and it is hard to handle. It requires so much humility, so much embarrassment in order to flush the system. In the end it’ll take a nice long run tonight to cool off and wear down.

-D-

XXXI: Church Persona


I tend not to think of life in years as I do lifetimes. Currently, I’m on my third lifetime. I was watching some videos over at IAMSECOND, and one of the speakers brought up the point of not really understanding God’s grace until you release your church persona. It wasn’t until I heard that, that it really clicked with me.

In 2009 I was the model American Christian; I went to church, I knew scripture, I could maintain theological debates, I was in the right place. Two years following I gave up on the church image and walked away, hence the beginning of FilingThePapers.

Similar to the open road this has become my sanctuary, my reminder that God exists, that God is love, and that God cares about my repulsive, sinful soul. The rest of the world laughs at my mistakes, I personally tear myself down daily, but I can still wake up knowing God loves me for the flawed person I am. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Battles & Wars


The battle may be the lost, but the war isn’t over…
-Some Famous Guy & My High School Social Studies Teacher-

Today was a troublesome day, there are hints of events today that have mirrored events from three years ago. There has been a battle going on, and today I’m facing the reality that the battle is lost.

I can’t go into the details at the moment due to legal reasoning, but after a long, peaceful conversation with Darco, and meditating on what God wants us to do, we’ve made some sad, hard choices in the past twenty four hours. I’m a firm believer that it’s for the best of everyone, and that we will grow from it, but immediate injuries, while they do eventually heal, are hard to handle. Currently I’m struggling to handle that reality.

To keep life fresh, Darco and I have embarked on a new journey of the sorts [more on a later date] while cleaning up the final mess of the past year. Sadly, regrettably, much like the divorce; enemies have been made and the true character of individuals has been shown. The temptation is to gossip, create chaos, and attempt to ruin the reputation of a few, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.

Incredibly I find myself in the same position while trying to figure out what to think of my now ex-wife. In the end it just came down to the choice of forgiving and moving on, or stewing in anger for years to come. While not easy [or always perfect], the first choice helped out life greatly, looking back. Knowing that spurns me to make the same choice again. Just to forgive and move on. Why should a Christian fight a Christian? What’s the point? Aside from driving people away from God? I say this with humility, and not even with an ounce of pride [if any was left], I’m fine with turning the other cheek.

I’ll tell you why…

Because while I find problems, sorrow, grief, and other problems on a daily basis; I know two absolute truths:
-God still loves me, and hasn’t given up on me.
-I have a beautiful wife waiting for me when I get home.

That second reason [which correlates to the first] is enough inspiration to walk away from any fight. The world is a scary place, and people are mean to each other, but knowing that there is one person on this earth that wants to see your face, that once to hold your hand, and wants to walk through the purifying fires of life, that’s enough for me to tune out the rest of the world.

I guess when it’s all said and done; deeds are finished and papers are signed; I’m facing a moment where I’ve lost a battle, but when I see my wife’s face in the evening…

…I’ve already won the war.

-D-

XO: Vengeance


Alright, time for you to get ‘the list’ out. Yes, the list that no Christian ever possesses; the list of severity of a sin based on what the sin is. You know what I’m talking about.

Tonight, for sake of honesty, I’m getting mine out. My hidden list that completely goes against the concept of what Christianity teaches. Why? Because I’m one very messed up human who has some serious grudge issues.

My number one sin; the top of the top is…

REVENGE

Why? Because I’m full of it. This burning, lustful desire to ensure that none of the people that have turned their backs on me gets to vanish without knowing exactly who I am, and that they were completely wrong on who I was. It also reaches out to those who have hurt me, damaged trust, used me, or just plain left me to rot.

It’s incredible the unique description of this list; it includes at least three ‘men of God’ [preachers], and all sorts of other individuals. Is this list wrong? YES! INSANELY YES! However, painfully, it’s a burden that I bare, and a curse that I live with.

The horrible reality is that they’re all right.

I didn’t rise above. I didn’t become someone great. I didn’t become the humanitarian, and I failed a ‘missionary’. I’m a ruined, tainted Christian due to a Baptist-style divorce, and I’ve now successfully watched two church bodies lose pastors for absolutely insane, selfish reasons. I feel like again, I’ve completely failed my wife, and that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror…I’ve gained that much weight. I wake up in the morning and I find myself apologizing in the shower. Telling God I’m sorry for being a mistake, I’m sorry for damaging so many plans, and tarnishing His kingdom. I can’t even express in words how much, as of late, I honestly feel like a failure.

My outlet is reverting back to stupid mindsets of uncontrollable anger, frustration, and sorrow. A student today said that I sound like I’m a loner, and unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. Most importantly I feel terrible for Darco, I have this undying fear that I’ve caused so much regret for her. That I’m never happy and it destroys her; even though it has nothing to do with her.

The harsh reality is that I can’t make anyone happy, I can’t do anything right, and I’m a joke of a Christian.

Sounds pretty pitiful right?

That’s because it is.

I would be a liar if I told you life was perfect, easy, and full of happiness. It’s hard, it’s dark, and it’s full of disappointment. Much of this is brought upon myself, and I have no excuse. I accept these realities, and openly choose not to pin anyone else for them.

I don’t understand God’s plan, I have no idea what to do, and I’m in a 24/7 state of confusion. These are all truths. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m not praying for a ‘bright light’. I’m merely asking for peace for me and mine, and constant persuasion to hold onto hope. It feels like I’m slipping, that anger that I’ve worked on monitoring for years is flaring back up, and I don’t want my plague to affect anyone else.

I know God is here, I understand that He loves and forgives, but I also understand when anyone makes the statement starting with:

But God could never use someone like me…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Towel Throwing


My shirts don’t fit.
I look like garbage.
I’m a has been, wanna be educator.
I’m barely a business owner.
I don’t sleep.
My neck chronically hurts.
I argue.
I’m bitter.
I feel worthless.

What? Did you want some happy, warm fuzzy pep talk? The reality is, is that I deal with inner demons just like everyone else. I don’t blame God, I don’t blame, I take upon myself my failures…all of them.

Maybe that guy from Stackify was right. No one really cares, no matter how hard you work, no one cares. It’s never enough, and it never will be enough.

Confession time. I enjoy putting my demons in front of the public. I have this never ending concept that God punishes me. I screw up and just like a parent, I’m punished. Hearing people talk about a God who is so powerful that He doesn’t need you in order to be glorified leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. What I hear is a God who is all powerful, doesn’t need you, and my life reflects nothing but constant punishment. That’s it, nothing more. Don’t worry I know what scripture says, and I know what I’m taught, and I know what my soul screams as truth. That doesn’t block out the negativity, the fear of isolation, the temptation that I’m merely tolerated, not really wanted.

I work my tail off every single day, so that I can dream of one day hearing, “Well done my good and faithful servant”, but works mean nothing right? It’s obedience, it’s faith, it’s love. It’s the things that I beat myself daily in order to obtain only to realize each day is only a new struggle of trying to hold everything together…and failing.

It’s a catch 22; there’s nothing you can do to “earn” love, but at the same time even if I’m faithful, bold, and take the hits…I’ll still suffer on this earth.

Make sense?

Mean either.

I’d never turn my back on God, it would be foolish because I’ve witnessed Him do so much for so many. I’ve seen miracles all around and lives changed. I’ve accepted the impossible and prayed for the unknown. But deep down, if I’m being horribly, brutally honest; it feels like when God gets to me He doesn’t have anything left to give. Sure, that’s a foolish notion considering His grace and love is abundant and never ending, but that doesn’t mean I don’t “hear” otherwise.

Perhaps it’s a childhood complex, a repeatative fear that my father forgot that I existed.

Just as a final thought; anyone who comes at me with a deniable sense of righteousness is a fool. Anyone who denies these fears themselves ever crossing their own mind, I question if you’ve ever lived. You better believe I have anger issues. I yell at God, beg for forgiveness, and try to see His perspective for my life. I never understand, it’s God, I can’t understand. Sometimes that hurts more than anything else of spiritual wrought.

If this site was full of perfection, it wouldn’t be worth reading.

I’m not a plastic.

-D-