In my checklist of life, I’m coming upon my next challenge in my daily activities:
I’m back in a geographically safe location
I’m near family that cares [though I drive them up the wall]
I’m away from the city
I’m able to start the recovery
Recovery is hard.
My best friend from high school is getting married tomorrow, and I’m in the wedding party. Tonight was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I told myself going into the whole event that it could be a mental/emotional challenge. That it was going to be vital to ensure that the groom is relax and that he is having a great time.
The majority of the people in that group this evening had last seen me with KJ at our wedding.
I was in a party with people who were my age and were happily married.
There were tears and laughter, excitement and tension, overall mystery of what great things tomorrow holds.
I hope I put on a good front this evening, for the sake of the group, and most importantly for Sam. Inside though, I was broken, my heart destroyed, and my soul filled full of anger. Nothing directed towards anyone involved in tomorrows celebration. I was angry at KJ and I was angry at myself.
I was angry at the people that we let down
I was angry and upset that my parents are going to sit through a wedding tomorrow, and it isn’t going to be their own son
I am disappointed that I couldn’t keep my promise
I am sad because of the amount of people that have been hurt
I am frustrated that my recovery isn’t going as I had hopefully planned
I’m merely venting of this evening. I found myself having to control my emotions [aka tears] from today. I’m stoked for Sam, but as I’m sure so many other people would already tell me, “Well I could have told you that”, this merely was a catalysis for myself. Granted it is late tonight and I’m thinking on all eight cylinders, but I know that I didn’t listen to God, I know that I broke His heart, I know that KJ got hurt, that her family was damaged, and I’m not about to say that things will be ok, eventually they will be, but not right now.
This is what I get, this is what happens when you fall, you fall hard and fast. God has blessed me with many things, ten times over, but He and I both know that no matter the worldly possessions…
My heart is still broken.