O: Losing Myself


Confession: I cried this morning.

OK, it wasn’t the nasty, snot nosed crying like the goal keeper I listened to this afternoon from across the field [she wore that injury better then most Brazilians…soccer fans would get that joke], it was more of a brief moment of relief and gratefulness.

Thankfully, like any smart person who hates crying, I was in the shower at the moment of uncontrolled emotion. I was getting ready to step out and when I grabbed the towel and found my face being buried in it and a simple whisper:

Thank you.

It’s no lie for anyone who has kept score along this tiring journey of excitement, adventure, and heartache, that the realization of myself living on my own, in the city [it has 75,000 people, so it counts], that in many ways, many view this as a bigger accomplishment then releasing the Kansas City Shock to the world. It is what you make it out to be I suppose. Family friends and family see this far larger, and realistically it is just nice to have a place to call my own.

Yesterday, after MC, Jim, Dur, and my girlfriend helped with the moving process; my parents and I were found at the local furniture store; where a 50% or more leather sale was going on. To further complicate the identity of my own life. I’m not from the wealthiest status, and was not in good shape at all last year, but I have a crazy taste for modern decor, deco, etc…I thoroughly enjoy modernization. If my Sims could talk, they would use me as a reference to this style.

Of course, while at this furniture store something caught my eye. Black, leather chair, couch, and love seat. Set up in a display that reflects modernism and simple earth tones. In other words; I was looking for my check book.

It was about this time, mixed with a Facebook message that I had received a few days ago that I started to muster up the thought, “I can’t lose myself.”

I’ll be frank by stating, and my girlfriend knows this as well, that my number one fear is to wake up with absolutely no one and nothing. Why? Because I’ve witnessed it before and I never want to know that feeling again. However, as this moving process has taken place I’ve also started to note another growing fear; I don’t want to lose myself, my identity, my story.

Why? Because you don’t get to make up stories like the one that I’ve lived in the past year, year and a half. Knowing that people have been inspired, knowing that God has been saturated throughout everything; that’s what puts my mind at ease at night. All of this is so much bigger then myself. It’s bigger then any of us can comprehend. Realistically, I have the ability to bring in this new furniture to my ¬†apartment, there’s going to be a new TV soon as well. I’m flying to Los Angeles next month, and I’m traveling to Chicago in October. It’s no longer about the financial risk, because I can literally do it now. The rough realm of my life, that storm that nearly drowned me, it isn’t over, but the waves have resided. Now, as I’ve expressed to my girlfriend, I face a temptation that is something I know is an overwhelming temptation: power.

It isn’t easy to confess to, because of its reality, but as a flawed human; I crave power. I love leadership, I love being the one to guide. I enjoy a “power suit” for a reason. I told my girlfriend a few months ago that the devil and temptation is like an allergy test. With the allergy test you are pricked with several little needles until you react to one of them. I believe temptation is no different. You are pricked with so many different things that can bring upon sin, and eventually you’ll react to one. I know what I react to; power. Power with jobs, money, influence, everything else an egomaniac can’t live without.

I remember looking at her, my girlfriend, and I said, “You watch; the Shock is going to take off in ways we can’t even envision and the temptation that is associated with it; it’s going to be nearly overwhelming.” I still believe that, I hope the Shock does take off, just because it is an amazing creation. However, already, i’m finding myself having to more and more careful.

Why do I do it? Why do I ‘need’ it? What’s the glory going towards? Is it my voice? Is it my dream? All these questions I have to constantly ask myself, in hopes of finding redemption in answers and grace in words that I cannot even begin to grasp or comprehend.

I suppose this is where I ask, “Is this the grown-up life now?” Is this what it’s all about? The constant temptation and fear of falling into the risk of power and greed? Of losing focus ? Forgetting your roots?

I had a high school coach send our company an e-mail a few days ago; it was asking if we were going to be like other clubs; requiring players to choose between high school athletics and club play. That’s the gist of the idea. Calmly and thoughtfully I replied back with my take on developments of programs, focusing on importance of community and education. In other words; I was attempting to tell this man that his fears were noted, but we weren’t in the political game. Realistically, it came down to the simple question, “Are you going to be rich kids club, or a community program?”

It was in that moment that I went back to my roots, I went back to my struggles, and I explained to him very clearly that based off my upbringing and my experiences. Why? Because I wanted that trust, and I want him and everyone else to know that our integrity based off my experiences far surpasses financial gains through political chess moves.

While drying off, after my moment of emotion this morning, through the crazy, empty 900 square foot apartment, I could only hope for one glimpse towards being humble:

The day that the leather, the trips, and even the soccer ball eclipse the determination to demonstrate the amount of grace shown to me by God, is the day that I’ve missed the target. May God take me away, in order for His legacy of His grace to maintain and that my selfishness dares not tarnish such an incredible story.

-D-

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One response to “O: Losing Myself

  1. Pingback: 2012 Special: Growing Wings « Signing On The X

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