I awoke with 100 pounds on my chest. I felt miserable. This overwhelming burden just felt as if it was crushing me as I started off the day.
I took a shower, and several deep breaths. There was just this sensation of guilt, rejection, and failure just looming over my head. I hadn’t had any nightmares, and I couldn’t think of any triggers that had put me in that position. I felt…cursed.
This was most definitely not a moment of moping, complaining, or feeling bad for myself. This was just full on, heartfelt pain. The realization that I was slipping; falling away. There’s been so much going on in my life that realistically spiritually I’m there, but not where I should be. Does that make sense?
I’m not as dependent on God as I should be; most literally with my problems. No matter the size I try to conquer them myself, or run away from them [I’m an expert at that]. Rarely do I confront and confess before God what’s really on my mind, what’s really bothering me. Sure, He knows what’s going on inside, but personally I find the true challenge lies on whether or not I’ll talk about it out loud in the apartment [yes, making me sound like a lunatic most mornings]. Today, I swallowed my pride and just poured it out, for what felt likes hours of everything that’s been just eating at me [very little actually having to do with soccer]. Personally, it’s just been attitudes, temptations, and this daunting task of staying on the straight and narrow; and realizing that I cannot’ do it on my own.
I’m not saying I left for MoVal in high spirits; in fact even with coffee in hand I still wasn’t feel well by the time church started. It was during the sermon that the pieces started coming together; the preacher was talking about the notion of being a heretic. Claiming one thing, but doing another. Telling people that God controls your life, but still reserving certain parts of your life for just you…not God. Guess what? I fall into that category. There are several things that I’ve foolishly, repeatedly have tried to conquer on my own and reserved it just for me.
The rains falling tonight as I send this message out; a relaxing ending to a perplexing day in my mind. I’m trying, but even with me trying to do the right thing continually; I cannot get it down without Him.