Who would have thought that it would come to this?
I’m trying to wrap my head around that number to further understand the momentum and sheer curiosity that has led people to this site. In the past two years I’ve read messages from readers ranging from, “You’re worthless” to “Thank you”, and yet the fact that 20,000 different views have taken place at this site designed for…rambling…still amazes me.
- I’ve been running non-stop for different reasons and haven’t had the time to actually sit down and think something out prior to typing
- There’s more going on then I had originally felt comfortable in saying publically
- I’ve been worn out
I’ll revert back to the realm of high school education and break several points down into my beloved outlines of life:
- Marriage: As stated very clearly a few weeks ago my fiance and I are getting married on August 2, 2013. The event will include our pastor at MoVal, ourselves, and four witnesses. Why is the event so small? Currently, Darco and I are trying to take our resources and blend them together. She’s been in a rough situation paying for a rental house, utilities, insurance, and others for her mother who doesn’t work while working an hourly job around $10.00 per hour and also going to school full time. On the flip side I”m obviously no longer with Subway, so I’m looking to drop my expenses in order to…well…survive. The reality is that when we started dating we immediately acknowledged that we weren’t dating to date, but to date with the intent to marry. Currently, there are a lot of areas that are in transition in both of our lives. Timing it made sense to proceed with a quick marriage, move in together [as we currently do not], merge accounts, and take on the world together. Her mother finally qualifying for disability has taken some pressure off, but my lack of employment has added some on. We’ve already merged cell phone accounts, gym memberships, and we’ll be quickly moving back accounts, life insurance, and even paperwork for the Kansas City Shock, L.L.C. I realize that reading this comes off as logical and not encased in love, but do understand these are all things that we’ve talked through prior to making these choices. We are currently in premarital counseling with our pastor at MoVal, and it isn’t easy. There’s several moments where I fall back into the fear of repeating mistakes from one ruined marriage. Darco knows it, accepts it, and forces me to crawl out of that pit each time I wander in. For that, I love her. We are currently going through a marriage book as well; it places a strong focus on a Christian, God based marriage and the enjoyment of sex [yes, I can say that]. It is a very, very hard book to get through because that specific topic was easily one of the most troubling things about my first marriage. Darco knows that, as we’re very, very open about our lives with one another. It still instills fear in me, and I still get extremely nervous. It’s easy to run away from problems that haunted you in the past, but knowing that they’ll still eventually come back for you to face again is painful. Regardless, we’re set to get married, I’m very thrilled to get to call Darco my wife, and as life calms down a bit we will hold an actual reception for friends, family, and others to join in on.
- Employment: I still have zero regrets from walking away from Subway. While I don’t have answers for everything, I still feel much better knowing that I’m out of that position. I have had an interview for a new job, in fact I followed up the phone interview with a trip up north last weekend to meet with the individual that conducted the interview. It is for a position within a very large soccer club [youth] north of where I currently live. I cannot tell you if I’m moving on in the application process or not [because I really don’t know], but if that job were to be offered it would require relocation of Darco and myself. Naturally, she’s completely pumped for the opportunity to live elsewhere, and I too would be pretty excited to try something new. Now, the $1mil question is how would it affect my interaction with the Kansas City Shock? Incredibly, it wouldn’t for the most part. Because the blueprint of the program was built in a digital world [Google] it frees up my need to physically be everywhere all the time. A quick G+ Hangout, sharing documents, alterations on Google Drive, etc…makes life much easier and actually allows us to work more with the market in this city as well [it boasts over 300,000 in population]. However, nothing is set in stone. Darco is set for promotion within Starbucks at the end of next month which would also mean she’d be taking a assistant store manager position in Kansas City; south of where we currently live. See the problem? If I don’t get the job up north there is a strong likelihood that I’d take up substitute teaching as August rolled around. I firmly believe that things are in the works to where the Kansas City Shock may become permanent, but that’s still yet to be seen. Honestly, and this is what I’m learning, as long as Darco is alright and I firmly believe God is moving us to make any specific move, then it’ll go directly as He wants.
- Kansas City Shock: I’ll confess this right now: Not unemployment, not health, not even tackling fears stemmed from a past marriage has induced as much stress compared to the Kansas City Shock. The team is currently 6-1 in the league, qualified for playoffs, and has one more division game in the season. If a team in Ohio loses and we win then we’ll host playoffs. If Ohio wins then we’ll have to travel to Ohio for a hopeful two game series, and if we win that the likelihood is that we’ll travel to Houston for quarterfinals. If we win there then we’ll head to California for the final four teams in the league. So, on my end when I look at all that excitement, I just get slammed with numbers and expenses associated with the journey. I’m sure many have been in this position, but it is so annoying to know how hard people [players, coaches, staff] have worked on a dream, an image, just to know that their success just equals more work. There’s been stress internally with people that are fed up with the way I’ve been acting, and I’ve been pointed to the extent of saying that money has changed my mindset for the negative. It stinks knowing that you make mistakes, no matter how hard you work, you make mistakes. Apologizing isn’t easy for me because I have a serious ego issue. I can say, “I’m sorry” however it’s almost guaranteed that “but” will follow that; completely nullifying the actual apology. It’s been a nightmare trying to repair mistakes, trying to sleep knowing that I continually fail, and without completely losing my cool. There isn’t enough coffee in the world that keeps me awake when working on this project. A major partnership was finished up two days ago [legally I’d get in trouble if I said anything right now], and the next six-eight weeks have some massive announcements coming with the program. Really, I’m just praying that I make it that far. I know Darco is concerned because of the stress that has formed in this area. It’s hard to see something that was just a fun idea, a passion, and to see how tainted it can become when stress is introduced into the picture. When faith disappears it’s incredible how fast the heartache, anxiety, and sleepless nights occur. I can’t even express to you how many times I just hang my head in the shower and just quietly whisper, “Now what God?” as a way of just looking for some guidance or idea of how to tackle every single problem that comes my way. None of this even includes the insane amount of politics that is involved in women’s soccer on the large scale. Trust me when I say that in the figurative, faith based beliefs within organization…I am a minority. It’s scary, just scary to constantly be walked on faith and hoping that today isn’t the day that you’re going to get burned at the stake.
Quite a bit of dramatics, huh? I think so too, that’s why I haven’t been on here much, and that’s why aside from work [though I know several, several people who do not consider the Kansas City Shock work] I haven’t been seen much at all. I keep telling myself that it’s coming, the big change is coming, that ‘click’ is coming, but until then keeping everything moving in a positive direction is just about impossible and taxing.
This is my dream, right?
I would be a stone faced liar if I tried to persuade you to believe that I never second guess myself and the Kansas City Shock. When I’m not following God’s plan I’m spitting nails and swearing the Shock idea is going to kill me. However, when I’m on pace of what He wants. Holy smokes it’s always a kick in the face; I mean, again, there are developments, stories, and businesses that have’t even been discussed in here that makes me sweat just thinking about how they came about.
Maybe this wasn’t the best post to make note of eclipsing the 20,000 mark for this site [still amazed], but at least you, the beloved reader, knows a bit more about what’s going on. Who knows what tomorrow holds, but at this point…I’ll venture to say that I’ll be pretty surprised.