I took a run through the city today [and as you can tell above, I had my camera with me]. I found myself in an abandoned rail yard in the downtown section of the city I grew up in. I remember the cars that traveled these rails, the packed parking lot of industrial hope, and determined economic growth. For me, that rail yard was the first thing to welcome me when I crossed the river each day.
Today though, it’s a vacant lot. Abandoned, worn down, peeled steel, and broken glass galore. I think the lot and myself were feeling about the same thing at the same time. We’re worn out, worn down, and lacking value. Maybe I just took the picture to remember the past, envision the future, or just relate? I’m not sure. While kicking rocks and watching the traffic of the interchange pass by I fully felt the world’s weight on my shoulders.
Later this evening it’d only get worse as my fiance and I would discuss finances for the upcoming month; a painful topic. Because we’re both from similar financial backgrounds, we both know what we both don’t want, and we both know what we fear. It was a heated discussion, turned argument, turned a tearful, sad evening. That’s the brutal truth of the matter. Omaha struck a major deal with Sporting Kansas City today, which caused for a silent phone and silent optimism.
It’s hard [like that’s anything new]; my poor fiance is honestly the hardest working person I know. She’s kept herself off of the street for two years now by working way more then she ever should have, and trying to convince her that, while I don’t always know here, the money will be available, God will reign, and our faith will be restored is hard. Especially when I even have problems believing that concept. It became extremely hard when she uttered,
What if God is just going to let us fall on our butts?
It’s a hard and common question. We have this earthly fear that God will let us fall, no matter how good something looks. However, this is what I’m starting to learn: when you’re following what He wants you to do. In instance; let’s use the ever-so-easy example of the Kansas City Shock. Brutally honest; there’s no way in several circumstances that any of this idea should have worked. Guess what? It did, and sure enough we’re in another similar situation in which I have no choice but to lean on faith because that is all I have left.
What’s painful, and Darco knows this also, is the Shock is our ministry. We cannot and will not turn our back on where God has led us, but that doesn’t mean the struggle with fear isn’t real. It’s very real and very in our face…daily. It’s irritating to know that the devil knows where Darco and I struggle, and it is with faith on finances; it’s something we both haven’t had. Mix that in with owning a business, that business being your ministry, and knowing that it isn’t financially ‘cutting you checks’, and people who are already worn…it can wipe them out.
I feel wiped out.
We feel wiped out.
I’m heading to bed with the weight of the world on my shoulders, desperately clinging on to the one thing, the one entity that much of the world [and a strong part of the industry I’m in] refuses to even acknowledge existing.
I guess that’s daring to be different.
I suppose that’s believing that He will shock the world.