My shirts don’t fit.
I look like garbage.
I’m a has been, wanna be educator.
I’m barely a business owner.
I don’t sleep.
My neck chronically hurts.
I argue.
I’m bitter.
I feel worthless.

What? Did you want some happy, warm fuzzy pep talk? The reality is, is that I deal with inner demons just like everyone else. I don’t blame God, I don’t blame, I take upon myself my failures…all of them.

Maybe that guy from Stackify was right. No one really cares, no matter how hard you work, no one cares. It’s never enough, and it never will be enough.

Confession time. I enjoy putting my demons in front of the public. I have this never ending concept that God punishes me. I screw up and just like a parent, I’m punished. Hearing people talk about a God who is so powerful that He doesn’t need you in order to be glorified leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. What I hear is a God who is all powerful, doesn’t need you, and my life reflects nothing but constant punishment. That’s it, nothing more. Don’t worry I know what scripture says, and I know what I’m taught, and I know what my soul screams as truth. That doesn’t block out the negativity, the fear of isolation, the temptation that I’m merely tolerated, not really wanted.

I work my tail off every single day, so that I can dream of one day hearing, “Well done my good and faithful servant”, but works mean nothing right? It’s obedience, it’s faith, it’s love. It’s the things that I beat myself daily in order to obtain only to realize each day is only a new struggle of trying to hold everything together…and failing.

It’s a catch 22; there’s nothing you can do to “earn” love, but at the same time even if I’m faithful, bold, and take the hits…I’ll still suffer on this earth.

Make sense?

Mean either.

I’d never turn my back on God, it would be foolish because I’ve witnessed Him do so much for so many. I’ve seen miracles all around and lives changed. I’ve accepted the impossible and prayed for the unknown. But deep down, if I’m being horribly, brutally honest; it feels like when God gets to me He doesn’t have anything left to give. Sure, that’s a foolish notion considering His grace and love is abundant and never ending, but that doesn’t mean I don’t “hear” otherwise.

Perhaps it’s a childhood complex, a repeatative fear that my father forgot that I existed.

Just as a final thought; anyone who comes at me with a deniable sense of righteousness is a fool. Anyone who denies these fears themselves ever crossing their own mind, I question if you’ve ever lived. You better believe I have anger issues. I yell at God, beg for forgiveness, and try to see His perspective for my life. I never understand, it’s God, I can’t understand. Sometimes that hurts more than anything else of spiritual wrought.

If this site was full of perfection, it wouldn’t be worth reading.

I’m not a plastic.

-D-