Maybe it’s the water?
Doubtful, but definitely the worthy scapegoat for the moment.
Today was a complete meltdown of a day, and really, I have no idea why. I got up a little later than usual to take Darco to work (5:30 AM vs 4:30 AM), and got ready for school. For someone reason, I had a very, very hard time waking up. Anyone knowing me understands that I’m a very light sleeper…minus this morning. After dropping her off I decided to get my day started instead of going back to sleep. I had to be at the school by 7:35 AM and it takes an hour to get there; that’d be 6:35 AM, meaning I had an hour to get ready. Sadly, on my worst days, I need an hour to get completely ready.
While taking the shower, this…unmentionable…just weight…was on my shoulders. I was almost crouched down in the shower, alone, hot water running. It literally felt as if I couldn’t hold it…I couldn’t hold the weight anymore. Breakfast was mediocre, and the coffee had zero affect on me. I fell asleep while driving to school, and proceeded to sit in a hard, plastic chair and sleep through my planning periods [my confession for the night]. Coming home I grabbed two corn dogs from Quik Trip [a no-no in my world], went to Jimmy John’s with Darco once I arrived home, and followed up by crashing for two hours. She’s off at a ‘company party/meeting’, and I’m working on…things? Yes, things, while waiting for her. Upon her return I’ll change clothes, head to the gym for a while, come home, stay up too late, and will do it all over tomorrow.
I feel like garbage because I don’t know what to do. You know that feeling; the lump in your throat you get when you want to cry from frustration but nothing comes out?
To put myself in a pathetic light would most definitely be accurate given the circumstances of today. The harsh truth is that I can’t do it, and I know it. I can’t carry a burden of any stature; I’m just that weak. I know and understand that only God can handle it, but it nearly feels like I’m screaming to Him on a daily…nightly basis to take over, take control, protect me, give me rest, peace, anything…and it isn’t necessarily the fact that it’s quiet. No, instead it is more of a ‘not yet’, this ongoing lesson on patience that’s been dragging for nearly three years. Half of me says I’m ready for the ‘next step’, whatever that may be, but moments like this morning just demonstrate how far behind I really am. Is this making any sense?
I suppose I’m just to keep doing what I’ve been doing; meditating, praying, working, sleeping, eating, and running.
Lots of running.