XO: Burning


I’m working from home today; meaning that I’ve been in a few soccer meetings, checking social media insights, and ensuring that everything is running smoothly heading into Thanksgiving.

This past month has been a whirlwind; actually this season has been non-stop. Today is one of the first days in months that I’ve been able to sit down and try to grasp everything that is going on around me, and try to take it in. Easily, all of it can create a ‘burn out’ sensation.

You know, the concept where you’ve been overly passionate about something for a prolonged period of time, but then suddenly that fire that drives you; it’s gone.

It’s happening to me, I can feel it.

The past two nights I’ve had nightmares about the students I left behind, yes as their measly substitute teacher. The kids that will get pregnant, shot, locked up, or even killed. While the world doesn’t fully understand, I had to make a very hard choice. Please realize that this is the second time that I’ve stepped away from the classroom while I was on the brink of actually teaching.

Do I regret my choice? Not in the slightest; the position I’m currently in is unspeakable amazing. It is surreal to try to grasp what exactly it entails. An easy example would be from yesterday. I spent thirty minutes with an internet sales representative at one of the accounts, and trained him on understanding the functionality of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I was paid for that service; that is my real job.

Try explaining that to the majority of people that live on this planet. I work from home, I work from three office locations, I give presentations, I see Kansas City in its entirety, and most notable; my wife is thrilled that this job has come up. Primarily because she can tell that I’m happy [happy=frustrated, this is the first job I’ve had that is very difficult to fully understand], and secondarily because the financial compensation for my services is truly life changing for both of us.

It feels like a dream.

However, unfortunately dreams can easily turn into nightmares. I was sitting in a meeting last night in Overland Park, going over the Kansas City Shock and I just felt…stuck.

I told Darco afterwards, I’m not burnt out, but the temptation is definitely there. When you fight 24/7 for a belief, cause, concept, idea, or innovation and you constantly deal with the negativity and degrading attempts at ‘reality’; it eventually starts to wear on you, and it’s wearing on me.

I hope that tonight, tomorrow, and Friday will refresh my mind a bit, and I can spiritually refocus. It’s frustrating not being more upbeat, but right now that ‘up’ isn’t there. Do I believe that God is in complete control? Yes. Do I think that He’s going to do amazing, mind-blowing things with the program? Absolutely. Do I see how?

Not. A. Clue.

-D-

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