XO: Breathe

Currently Listening To: Breathe (2AM) by Anna Nalick
Currently Drinking: Raspberry Mocha (Venti)
Currently Doing: Typing, typing, typing…
Currently Thinking: “What on earth am I doing…”

For some time I’ve held close to me a personal Pandora station; most of my stations include Xilent, Deadmaus, Daft Punk, Pillar, Skillet, etc…

However, there’s this one simply entitled “Norah Jones Radio”, and it is directly listed for what it really is; it tends to be my escape from everything around me. I feel like I’m suffocating right now. Work is great; it’s hard [though no one will ever understand why], but it is hard, and the money is great. The married life is full of entertainment, excitement, and a brilliant future. It’s nice to be in love, and go to sleep/wake up in the same concept and belief.

We have a new church, a new car, and my wife has new clothes. Things are moving forward. The bills are being paid, life is being caught up; I mean this is the life that I wanted, right? This is what I was dreaming of, striving for, this is the perfect conclusion to “FilingThePapers” isn’t it?

Is there ever a conclusion? The more I think about that idea, the more I deny myself the simple solution of stating that the end is near, but instead embracing the reality that this online journal is merely an extension of my soul. Personally, it’s my easiest way to reach out to the rest of the world  about the ideas and thoughts that convey in my head, screaming to breach and reach, and extend to the world outside.

Does any of that make sense?

There’s so much work that is still left to be done.

Sure, I survived the divorce, barely. I’ve survived my doubt, downfalls, and broken spirits; only by God’s grace. I’ve seen His church corrupted, I’ve witnessed His grace reach to all realms of the world; including to my beautiful wife. I’ve traveled across the United States, ate way too much Subway, and have had plenty of experiences in a non-existent, digital world.

I’ve been married, divorced, remarried, ruined, created, destroyed, rebuilt. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes in the span of four years.

It leads the ever aching, dulling question that sits within the restraints of my mind, “Now what?”

The reality is that I live every day as if it is my last, and in turn have lived every day as if it was my last. I go to bed knowing that this is a life worth living, and I wake up ready to explore new opportunities. I embrace my wife, pet my cat, and go to my job. I put on my clothes, eat my food, and start my car. I drive down the same road, past the same trees, and for a while I stop thinking of what “could be”, and just accept…what is.

The concept of life isn’t to necessarily strive towards the final goal; it’s to hope that the final goal is met at the end of the day. That you’ve given it your all, you’ve attempted to be your best, and reach out to the most. You’ve given directions, picked up trash, and opened a door. You smiled more then you frowned, and embraced the sun as if it wouldn’t return the next day. You get lost in the pages of a favorite book, and the same in your favorite set of eyes. You live a life worth being jealous over. You never stop remembering of Who you give thanks to, and why you would be lost without Him.

These are my rambling thoughts.

Perhaps my struggle is that I find it hard to put into words how grateful I am for the life that I’ve been given. There are a million things that I should be doing right now, but it is far more pleasurable to speak on the things of which I have, and to let the reader know that no matter my attitude; I am blessed.

Tomorrow seems like eternity, and unknown expectation of the direction of life that I’m supposed to take, and frankly; I have no idea what I’m doing. Something between running a life, losing weight, being a husband, and growing a soccer program. Did you get all of that to?

Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about the things that I can’t control. The financial side of life will work itself out, my wife will love me eternally, and our jobs will continue to be amazing. We will take adventures, random trips, and get lost in the woods…for fun. The overarching goal is to live a life where a honeymoon never ends. A wise, older woman once told me the secret to the success at the beginning of her marriage:

The first three years in Seattle. It truly was a three year honeymoon.

Perhaps the direction or the intent that we should face life on the daily basis; accepting our life as a honeymoon. Never said that it’ll be easy, but instead of the ulcers, energy drinks, and red eye mocha’s maybe it really does revolve around the cat, wife, and yourself being lost in the covers late Wednesday morning. Maybe it is getting lost on your way to church and finding your church in an empty meadow. Even the strange idea of going on a business trip, and winding up three hours from your initial destination having the time of your life.

There’s nothing that really spurs the cognitive idea that ‘life is short’ and all that other garbage. I just had to take a step backwards today, examine my life, and instead of constantly being stuck in this rut where optimism is short lived and ‘realism’ dominates the scene; that upon further review the life I have is worth living, the day that I’m currently living in is worth praising, and know that I have food, a home, a real family is more then I could ever ask for, and more then I could have ever deserved.

The elements have been beaten, the hurdles have been jumped, and I’m enjoying my life. Nothing is described as easy, but if that was the case it wouldn’t be an enjoyable challenge.

Finally, I just think of the trivial things that gets me worked up. Last night my wife and I were going over business plans, soccer thoughts, and other stressful things. I had a list written on paper in front of me, and when I had finally hit the road block, I stared off into space; cat curled up on my wife, stretched across me and just laughed.

“What’s so funny”, she asked.

My response embodies this entire post:

If I took this list, went back in time, stepped into that underground apartment; stared at a man who smelled awful, hadn’t shaved in weeks, survived off bread, and told him my problems; do you know what he would say?

‘That’s a pretty good life you’ve got there.’

The reality is that while these problems and frustrations are present; they’re blessings compared to the past. We’ve, I’ve, faced bankruptcy, eviction, and going to bed hungry. The stresses of the world around us? That’s a blessing to remind us that we’re making it, and then some.

If you’ve made it this far; I’d encourage you to watch this video:

When times were their darkest; this song, of all things, got us through.

This is a life worth living.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s