XO: Dreamer

I’ve taken some days recently to take a closer ‘inventory’ of myself; trying to get a better, honest idea of myself, my identity, and how to utilize who I am to better the world around me.

Yes, that is just as cheesy typed out as it was in my head when I was thinking it.

Primarily there’s one key area that I’ve discovered, that I firmly believe I’ve lied about for years, that I’m finally starting to accept.

Lie: I love crowds, people, the public, spotlights, and being the life of the party.
Truth: 11:00 PM alone in the living room with my laptop running music is the best time of the day.

Even though I built a high school, and partial college, reputation on public speaking; something that I truly do enjoy, I’m not a people person. I’m not real keen on being around a ton of people, I don’t really enjoy parties, and I have zero problems getting lost in nature [this would be an explanation as to why I enjoy running on country roads, but despise running inside of a city; aside from attempting to play Frogger in real life].

The whole premise behind this actualization isn’t to necessarily construct a scapegoat to get out of problems that I face on a daily basis, but merely to reaffirm some of my deeper thoughts that I’ve had over the past couple years. There’s a specific reason that I enjoy social media, technology, and have no problems staring at a screen for hours on end. I just enjoy being alone, I like life being quiet, and I thoroughly appreciate a natural world instead of the hustle and bustle.

Deep down I’m just a person that likes to be reserved. Frankly, FilingThePapers is about as ‘open’ as I get at this point, and I’m fine with that. More so, my wife appreciates it. It’s wonderful, now looking at all of ‘this’ from a different perspective, that my wife was right back when we were dating. She pegged me as a reserved person, and of course I argued it. However, as I’ve grown older and have had more time to be ‘removed’ from everything and everyone around me, I’ve learned that she was absolutely right. That’s why it’s so easy to spend so much time with her, and exactly why it gets so uncomfortable when the two of us wind up with a group of people.

Fascinatingly though, with that thought in hand, it should be noted as I alluded to above, that speaking in public still doesn’t phase me. I have no issues speaking to a group, crowd, or a few people. Stage fright doesn’t exist in my world anymore, it just isn’t the most…comfortable…place to be. Does that mean that I cringe at business meetings? No, not at all, I tend to embrace them without a problem. It’s just understanding the individual more, and recognizing where and why I tend to be more productive compared to other environments.

What’s the point of this entry? Nothing, it’s my personal blog, it’s kind of ran that path of the past three years. Perhaps it is just a reminder that we never stop learning about ourselves, and the unique style of which God designed each one of us. Humorously, Darco is nearly the opposite. You should see her at work, she is very much a people person, and she’ll admit it as well. It is humorous to me, because of how many years I told myself [and others] that I loved being the life of the party, etc…Now, looking down the barrel of being 30 years old in a few years, I recognize that popularity and existence doesn’t have to stem around what is guaranteed attention, but more about recognizing what makes you unique.

I’m quiet, reserved, and I watch. Why? Because a good chunk of the time my mind is in a completely different world. I’m a dreamer, I’ve always been. My imagination is never in check, and I’m always thinking of something new. It comes easy, and it’s relaxing for me. I have zero problems escaping the real world every once in a while, and getting lost in a good book. Books can be crack for me, once the pages open up, I’m immediately a character; I’m right there with each page.

I recognize that this streaming thought continues to run for no apparent reason, but personally I consider this quite the accomplishment. Instead of lying to myself, as I have for so many years, I’m accepting the reality that is my life. I’m alright with it; I don’t have to be anyone different because my wife loves me for exactly who I am, I work for a company that recognizes my abilities based off a ‘true self’, not a false depiction, and just being honest is a relief in itself.

So, to you dear reader, this really doesn’t mean much. However, this piece is a moral victory for the internal workings of myself. That’s something that’ll help me sleep better tonight.


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