XO: Tension

Three separate occasions today my wife asked if everything was alright. Hinting at the struggle of playing off the tense notion that was in my voice. I woke up on schedule, went to work, worked my tail off at the office, and the day played on. Honestly, it really wasn’t different compared to any other day in the physical sense, but something hasn’t been clicking mentally. I’m mentally tense about life. There are several reasons, some of which I can’t share here…yet…because they’re some very large steps for myself. It should come to no surprise that these are merely just steps of life, it’s part of growing up, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

Sure, I’ve been in conversation and communion with God constantly. Not just over a specific topic, but just laying out life as a whole. Darco and I are looking at something that I haven’t experienced in at least three years, and we’ve even come to the realization that outside of work; we never talk about anything. It’s coffee, soccer, coffee, soccer, and that’s it. I mean, we don’t have a favorite sports team, I have no idea what her dream destination is; there are just a lot of things we’re missing together that ties into communication. Our recent decision will assist with that greatly, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be easy through the process.

I’m rediscovering my life. Interestingly enough it almost appears to be history repeating itself compared to nearly three years ago [not the divorce part, just to clarify].

I’m scared. I’m a good Baptist, meaning that I hate change and change is coming. It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not, it’s happening and it’s my responsibility. I strongly dislike faith because I don’t like not having control [you’d think God would know that]. It only makes sense that the thing that’s hardest to understand and accept is the requirement for this stage in life.

Today I cleared out over 1,000 accounts that I followed on Twitter [and that definitely wasn’t all], and changed my Twitter handle after five years. Privacy settings are going up on Facebook, and digital changes are already taking place. It’s all part of a bigger plan, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

This is why I’m still awake. It isn’t because I slept all day, I drank coffee, or anything along those lines. I’m awake because I’m tense, subconsciously arguing and resisting change, and allowing fear to overcome my emotions. This site was about honesty, right?

It’s those moments where, as a Christian, I’m supposed to let it go. Knowing that though doesn’t make it any easier. Fear is addictive, once it starts we’re hesitant to let it leave. I’m a victim of this addiction, and I’m definitely fighting it right now.


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