XO: Rejuvenation

Even though I lack music talent; in my mind I try to attach music to random concepts. This song [below] allows me to envision the tiniest image of what heaven may one day be like.

In case you’re curious, the band is Tritonal and the singer is Cristina Soto.

This is where I close my eyes and let the voice carry me into an unknown world.

Within the last two weeks, especially the last week, life has changed. A new season has come, and I feel young again. I don’t feel weary, worn down, or out of faith. No, instead I feel quite the opposite. I sense optimism, hope, and a dream that will do things that no one will ever understand.

Maybe it’s just the weather, or the amazing job that I’ve been blessed with, but I wake up early during the week. I feel productive. I eat healthy. I train like crazy.

I don’t shake hands, type emails, or stress over ideas and imaginative beliefs that don’t exist.
I feel alive…
I feel free…
I feel as if I’m on the cusp of something beautiful, nothing tangible, but a beauty surpassing the mind’s eye. I see doors opening, stars aligning, and dreams forming. I hear my prayers, my confessions, my nerves being brought before the Father. My God will take care of me, and He will deliver the unbelievable.

Frankly, I get nervous just typing those words. I’m terrified, I’m scared out of my mind. Starting a new business wasn’t very out of my comfort zone [failing was], switching jobs, getting married [again], were both unique events, but it didn’t instill a holy fear within my soul.

That’s my reality check for ensuring that I’m on the right path. My soul quivers in fear of the power of my God. My heart trembles when imaging my sovereign Host watching over me.

“X”, “O”, “XO”…they were all leading to something; something I thought I could identify, comprehend, and handle.

I had no clue.

Sure, there’s still a month to get ‘my house in order’ before the next chapter arrives. You could take the first three “chapters” of FilingThePapers and combined they wouldn’t even touch what’s coming down the road.

My pride has been destroyed, humility is the only world I now know. Ego? Doesn’t exist. Greed? Obliterated.

In three years I have successfully been stripped down from every ‘asset’ of my life. Everything that I’ve held onto that wasn’t God, Himself is gone. It hurt, it was a terrible experience. It was my one second glimpse into what hell holds for so many. But that journey is over. FilingThePapers is changing its identity, it’s growing, maturing, and understanding that its purpose wasn’t to explain a personal testimony of divorce, loss, and heartache. Instead it was, and is, a living testament of the glory of God through the humility of this man. I love looking in the mirror each more and thinking, “I don’t want the spotlight ever again.” I’m thrilled that my job requires me to be quiet, hidden, and working in the background. Though I always loved the versus, only now have I started to understand the idea of John 3:30, I’m just now starting to grasp ‘…I must become less…’ because it was never about me, my accomplishments, or even my life. My objective is to be a living vessel of God’s grace.

I’m sure much of this sounds like a mushy, wish-washy cheesy monologue. I get it, and I somewhat agree. It’s hard to clearly identify this life with words, it’s just something…I know.

The next two years are going to be something that none of us ever expected, understood, or anticipated. However, the end result. When this fourth chapter draws to its climatic conclusion; none of us will even be able to stand because we will be in such awe and wonder of what God can do.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been this excited.


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