*tap, tap, tap…*
I’m supposed to type something here. I have plenty of random, worthless thoughts in my head but getting them organized to type is rather challenging I’m learning.
This week has been some funky, hazy experience of…well…I’m not really sure. From nightmares including astronauts exploding and having my eyes cut out with razor blades, to running to the point that my feet go numb (we’re sure that’s not normal) I’ve actually had a difficult time of separating reality from illusions of mental games.
Does that make sense?
Monday honestly felt as if I was high off some synthetic compound (for the record, I was not), and nothing could get me down. By the end of Tuesday I had hit some valley, and right now I feel like I’m just now waking up to the week. Are you still with me? I’m not really sure, it’s hard to describe the cognitive understandings of an individuals mind, and it isn’t any easier when the mind is your own. The nightmares I have easily chalked up as night-terrors because of the state of confusion that they’re leaving me in. I’m waking up not fully understanding where I am, or what I’m doing. It’s taking on average around fifteen minutes at night to come to grasps that what I had experienced was a dream compared to what is real.
Maybe it’s the demon that I face on a daily, waking moment…running away.
I have this innate desire, this cursed mindset that I need to run away from everything 24/7 and that I need to restart. A new personality, a new objective, a new adventure, it just sits in my head non-stop, it is what I fight all day and for someone with an imagination it’s extremely dangerous.
What if I would have made that choice?
That’s the only question I have to ask to ensure that entirely new story arc is laid out in my head of what life could have been. Does that mean that I regret life in the now? Absolutely not, I have a beautiful wife, an amazing job, and the ability to run. What more could someone really want? It doesn’t have to do with dwelling on what else lies in the world around us, as much as it is trying to understand and accept that I’m only one life and no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to experience the entire world. I won’t sit along a Ramen shop in Tokyo, and I probably won’t ever drink a beer in Ireland. I doubt I’ll find myself in Australia, and there’s nearly a 100% guarantee that Alaska is meant to be.
Perhaps it’s the idea that if an individual can live three lives in less than three decades, what else could they do for another six decades? Maybe it’s just the same old fear of one day having a home, a mortgage, and a family. I’m sure there’s some truth to recognizing that this time each year school starts up, and that is one area that’s soft in my heart because I do wonder so much about “what if” in that area, or where our children will go to school, will they be active, will they participate, will they be trendy, geeky, or both? Will they stand up for the right morals, even if doesn’t fall in line with district policy (it does happen)?
I suppose that this rambling is comparable to how much I dislike math. I’ve always disliked math, it isn’t a fun topic for one specific reason: there’s always a concrete answer. Find the right formula and the answer is always realistic, spot on, and explainable. There is no variance or exceptions to mathematics. It makes it boring, uneventful, and lacking in surprises. That’s what makes a book fantastic, you made it halfway through and suddenly the author kills off a major character. I’m sorry, they did what? Precisely. Comparably to life, is the fear that life is explainable, that it’s structured without surprises, and eventually the gravestone is only reflective of a number, you were just a number, I’m terrified of just being a number. Not necessarily because I want to be some spotlight driven junkie, but enough to know that I made a difference in this world. To know that I set out to accomplish tasked, and that I did the right thing. I’m only the closer side of 30 years of age now, but I run…not the stupid long distance, paced, calculated insanity that so many do. I run mid-distance, I play in the world of 400, 800, and 1600 meter intervals. You can’t calculate that distance, and you can’t hold your breath that long either, you just have to be a bit on the crazy side to be able to understand…or enjoy those distances. It tests your muscle strength, but also your endurance. It questions your soul…and your sanity. It’s the perfect distance of my life. Just out of reach of an explosive sprint, but not long enough that calculations determine eventual success.
I haven’t rambled this long in quite a while, but the night is still young. I write these letters online because explaining them in real life is nearly impossible. It’s not that I’m depressed, or fearful, or misunderstanding of what reality is…similar to brain usage I just simply ask:
Can we go further compared to what we already accept as ‘enough’?
Maybe I’m asking the reader, or maybe I’m asking God, I’m not really sure.
After another restless night in bed (nightmare: children’s hospital was bombed, and I walked into the building to search for survivors), I’m a bit more coherent compared to earlier this week. I’ve also come to the conclusion that restless nights come because I can’t predict the future. It’s an unknown entity that I can’t comprehend. Because of that, my subconscious lives off the permeated fears of a life not known. In turn it creates a reactionary condition that causes me to constantly run away from whatever situation I’m currently in, whether good or bad. I fear the future because I fear the unknown.
Additionally, to add flavor to that thought, I fear God. Any moment that I find myself becoming ideal or content I have the overwhelming fear that when judgement comes God will look at me and boldly state, “I gave you so much. Why did you squander your time on earth, when it could have been used for My kingdom?”
This sensation may not affect any other soul on this planet, but know that I am terrified of God. Power is one thing, Creator of everything, including myself, that’s an entirely different ballgame.
In conclusion through this epic monologue of mindless thought; I want to run away because I don’t understand, and I always want to move because I fear God, and His thoughts towards idling in life.
If you made it so far as to read this conclusion, go reward yourself with a cookie…or something.