I know of so many people that enjoy running in groups, or running with another person, or something along those lines. I suppose it’s rather common. Truth is, personally I really don’t care for it. Primarily because I feel awkward around someone else while I’m trying to run, and most likely they’re faster than me anyways, so a onset of pity kicks in also (at least I’m realistic).
Is it wrong to like the lonely road? To be on my own, alone, with just one foot in front of another? I say that because not being around other people allows me to imagine myself as a winner, and not just another hobbyist that dreams of unnatural ideas of the imagination. I was thinking of this today while I was doing sprint work on the track this afternoon, I was completely alone on the track, and while I was dying with each lap completed, it was comforting to know that I was alone. No one was judging my action, no one was questioning what was wrong with me, no one was thinking, “Man, how does someone that big keep moving?” or “Does he realize he has no stride at all?” It’s just isolation, alone, and quiet. Only my own breath and the thumping bass keep me tethered to the world around me.
I chose the lonely road because I enjoy being alone. I enjoy knowing that the responsibility of any greatness, success, or even weight loss is on my shoulders and no one else can be blamed for when I fall short. Miss a few 400’s because I was tired? That’s my fault for not eating properly, not sleeping correctly, and not taking care of my body. I don’t believe in the action of placing blame on others’ shoulders when I have the ability to control my own destiny.
Makes me feel rather selfish doesn’t it?
That’s another reason I enjoy the lonely road, because I’m selfish. I’m a very selfish, foolish human that can only think about his own body, his own time, and his own diet. I become narrow minded, I get tunnel vision, and I get wrapped up in myself, my dream, my destination, and what God can do for me. In truth it never was what God could do for me, but accepting what He had already done for me and in turn learning what I can do for Him.
I’m burned, that’s the final reason I enjoy the lonely road. Being out in the open, feeling the blistering heat, or the pouring rain, or whatever the case is for the sky outside it quenches the burning remains of scars from years past. I’m hesitant to ever get actively involved with a church body ever again, I still have mini-panic attacks if I come home and Darco isn’t there for some reason (or isn’t answering her cell phone), I’m tired of trying to think up some ‘magical business model’, and I failed at messing around with the women’s soccer world. I’m just burned out on the many missteps of life. I know I’m not the only one with this understanding, and I can see why the temptation to become wrapped up in ones self can be so incredibly tempting. Frankly, if it was up to me and I discarded the life around me, I’d move out of the region and just disappear from the problems that exist. The truth is though that the problems never really go away, and there’s no point in being reckless just because you weren’t dealt the cards that you wanted. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow, and I struggle with it each and every day. I’m so tired, worn down, and exhausted of the area I currently reside in. I’m done bouncing around different industries to try to discover what I ‘want to do’, I’m just going to sign a teaching contract when it becomes available and make it work. I enjoy the lonely road because it’s an hour or two out of my day where I do get a heartbeat, and I do get to explore a life and reality beyond my own understanding. That works for me, even if no one else understands it.