XXXI: Wagon Falling


I’ve officially have fallen off the wagon.

I’m frustrated and tired while I write this tonight. I was supposed to go to the gym tonight. I did not. I was supposed to go to the gym last night. I did not. I’m supposed to have set goals over periods of time that I’m dedicate to. I do not. I’m struggling so much with mustering up the energy, motivation, and dedication to keep working on my body even though I can’t run.

I see through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and beyond all of the different runners the lives they live. Shoe contracts, random races, traveling, training, running, and pushing their bodies to the limit. Frankly, I’m struggling because I’m envious of them.

There, I said it. I’m dealing with jealousy because they’re living a life that I crave. I’m angered because I’m not living a life like that and I have no one to blame but myself and my lack of self-discipline. I have no problem admitting that I’ve fallen so, so short of my objectives, goals, and desires. Truth be told, I don’t want to just run races to run races. I want to win. I want to run crazy fast times. I want to push my body to its limits. Sure, this winter is already proving to be a great time for me to recover and recoup this annoying Achilles injury, but I still should be moving, lifting, eating right, refraining from eating wrong, chugging water, and avoiding bad foods.

Personally, I’m convinced that this doesn’t really matter to anyone else (if you’re anyone else I apologize that you’re reading this), and that is the beauty of running your own blog.

Sure, I could plot, plan, and attempt to execute some ‘master plan’ for ensuring success. However, the likelihood is that I’m going to fall, stumble, and trip. Additionally, I’m doing this on my own. There is no coach, no support, and honestly no words of motivation throughout the days. I’m learning that it’s hard to continue to motivate yourself without any audience. Perhaps my vantage point is incorrect, and I need to be reminded of why I’m supposed to do what I do, instead of focusing on who I’m doing it for.

I guess in the end I’ve just lost focus, lost my way, and need a bit of redirection.

Here’s to a new day tomorrow, and a new goal in the future.

-D-

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