XXXI: Every Step I Take

Every step I take,
I take in you,
You make move Jesus
Every breath I breathe,
I breathe in you,

The simple lines reverberate back memories of mission trips, summer camps, and when life was overall easier. Less facial hair, less stress, and an overall appreciation for simplicity…without even knowing it at the time. Even last night at my parents house I found a 31 page paper that I had typed out of spite towards one of my professors. Reading over the text I was humored at how naive I was at the time (and also how my grammar could be relatable to my sixth grade students). Even from college to now life has changed in incredible ways, ways that no one warns you about, tells you about, or assists you in planning. We do so well preparing kids to go from elementary school to junior high, from junior high to high school, and we’re in overkill mode when moving them from high school to college. However, no one prepares you for the life that happens after college. The real heartaches, the real defeats, and waking up accepting the internal bruises of real failure.

Life is hard, and we humorously do not make it easy. It’s as if Frost was way off on choosing the right path. It wasn’t the one less traveled, it was the one with broken bricks, thorns, and dead trees. The one we’re obviously not supposed to take, is the one that we’ll waltz right down. Even Christian had a better chance at success in Pilgrim’s Progress versus our stupidity in the modern world.

This past week I’ve been revisited by a nasty fault of my own being; anger. It’s the first time in at least two years that I’ve actually struggled controlling my temper. Sure, not being able to run due to injury is part of the issue, but the majority of the issue is the lack of self-control and the overly committed intent on relying on oneself. It’s not Biblical, it isn’t Christ-like, and frankly it’s just myself divulging into my human nature and desires. All of which tend to an absolute load of garbage. I don’t have a good reason for any of it. There’s been some insane stress financially due to the massive pay cut I’ve taken in the past few months, but nothing out of the ordinary. Thanksgiving was extremely stressful, but again it was expected. Less sleep this week, that comes with the education world I’ve accepted. Personally, if I could 100% transparent it’s because I’ve become spiritual lazy, and in turn I’ve allowed images, memories, and thoughts from my past haunt my daily existence.

This past week has been full of reminders of previous marriages, failed relationships, horrible education choices, financial problems of others, and the list can go on and on. I’ve come to understand that when I’m not spiritual sound, my past is truly the weakest link to my existence. I always dream of the future, I always imagine, “what could be”, but I will become ensnared in problems if I even take the briefest moment to remember what was once what I called my life.

I always talk to Darco about letting go of her previous life, before she found a connection in this whole “Christianity thing”. That’s something that’s taught frequently; forget who you once were…you’re a new creation. My problem resides in the fact that the majority of my cataclysmic issues of life hang out after the whole conversion thing. So what does that make me? I’m the iconic image of the Christian that stirs up more problems after becoming a Christian compared to before. It’s a terrible, bitter pill to swallow. Knowing that I can’t say a thing to anyone about what they do with their lives, because there isn’t an ounce of me that’s done a single thing right (it feels at least). Praise God that He constantly forgives, but I still despise knowing that I’m constantly letting Him down.

I hate accepting the fact that I can’t stand tithing because I’m terrified of not having money. I hate acknowledging that I don’t read the Bible like I’m supposed to, and it times I really don’t want to. I cringe accepting the fact that I’m burnt out on the same, sing-songy Christian songs heard on the radio and sang in the churches. How can I complain though? I fail to even open the Bible, focus on the sermon, or try to learn something new. I can sense the bitterness in me. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a teacher, and I screwed up the chance for that a few months ago. Maybe it’s because I want to be a great runner, and I can’t even run at the moment. Possibly because of the envy and jealousy that course my veins due to the success of so many, and I’m still behind. It could be the fact that I watch so many wives get spoiled, and are taken care, and I seemingly fail to support my wife. I suppose I could just mix all of these elements together, and there’s enough guilt within the words to supply me currently for the rest of my lifetime.

I’m getting tired. I’m having problems staying focused, and I’m typing this with my eyes shut. It just ‘conserves energy’ so that I can finish this thought up. I’m not sure what exactly anyone is to make of what is written in this blog, especially this specific post. I guess it’s the summation that it does feel like I have a lot on my plate due to things that I’ve brought upon myself, and it crushes my heart knowing that other people are suffering because of the chronic mistakes that I continue to make throughout my life. I’m trying, I think God knows that I’m trying, but man alive it feels like my existence is just to demonstrate how any individual can continuously fall short.


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