XXXI: Default

Your loan has been accelerated…


Trying to reestablish my thought process this morning. I haven’t even touched my coffee yet and it’s already 8:30 AM.


I’ve been mulling over how to be honest without shattering any self-esteem that may be left in my body. I suppose self-esteem isn’t really needed when an individual tries to remove their worldly desires. However, I can say this soundly…

I failed.

I’ve been working on my student loans for five years now. All of them are insanely high, all of it is my fault, and finally one of them slipped.

I defaulted on a loan.

As you can imagine, getting a letter that says you owe $35000 up front is one of the most heartbreaking things you could possible lay eyes on. Sadly, this is reality that many people face and it is a new hurdle that I too, must overcome. That being said, I can’t do it on my own. Similar to several people (I’m assuming) I don’t have $35000 just laying around. Phone calls were made to the loan provider, and a settlement was offered. Again, this was a number that I still wouldn’t be able to touch. MC is the cosigner on this loan, so this directly affects her also. MC posed a plan to take the settlement, and potential give me an “early inheritance”, and ensuring that the settlement is taken and the loan would be dismissed.

The word humility doesn’t even do justice for the pain and torment that stirs in my soul; knowing that I failed my parents again. It hurts just as much (if not more) as them coming down, scooping up the remains of my life, and taking me back home after my divorce. I know what my parents are looking at sacrificing to ensure this loan is taken care of, again, something that I caused.


It turns into anger so quickly. The combination of my moods as of late is a strange blend of guilt and anger, disappointment and range, it hurts knowing that I have failed so many people. The rest of my generation is speeding ahead into their next stage of life, and I can’t help but feel that I’m left behind. My choices over the years have finally caught up with me, and this is my punishment.

Even if the initial loan is taken care of, it still keeps a large sum of debt that’s still left. So, Darco and I have been working around the clock to find solutions in order to get 2015 started on the right foot. Without going into extreme details we have found a solution to be 100% caught up on all bills heading into January of 2015. It requires some sacrifice, primarily from things that we have already worked for, but knowing that we can start the beginning of the year on a solid foot is worth it.

I know my credit score is trashed, and I know that I’ll likely never be able to take out a loan, but here’s the thing…

I never want to take out another loan for the rest of my life.

Darco knows my thoughts on this, and we’re both approaching that with open hearts. Why spend so much time on paying back borrowed money and miss out on living the only life you get?

Frankly, I feel better after writing this out. It’s still terrible, embarrassing, and nearly another example of something that I’ve royally screwed up on my own. However, I keep trying. Darco and I cook at home more versus going out. I’ve purchased coffee once in the past ten days, and I’m evening making our cereal from scratch. It’s nothing amazing, but it’s something.

I think for as much as I’ve blown, God may be at least happy with that decision.


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