XXXI: Old Friend

Hello old friend.

Life slows down for no one; this is the concept that I’ve learned to embrace over the past week, month, and year. Interestingly enough, this time a year ago I was asked by an administrator if I’d stay, as a sub, for a teacher-in-service day at the school that I had been a substitute teacher in for a few weeks.

It’s the same place that I found myself in for the entire duration today during another teacher-in-service. Same concept and ideas, different role. It’s strange to think of the position that I find myself in. It’s as if the world forces me to conform to specific standards, even if I fight it, the reality still stays true that it will happen. I’m sure there’s some philosophical law to this thought, I just don’t know the title.

The reality is, is that I have an amazing job that I so frequently forget is even a job. Darco is blessed with continued advancement through her company; now managing her own store. The apartment life is over as of next month, and an opportunity to potential own our first home lies just beyond the horizon. I’ve coached, I’ve taught, and I’ve even made friends.

Incredibly the past truly feels as if it was a nightmare, a daydream, a figment of thought that never actually transpired. I’ve succeeded in blocking out, forgetting, and never mentioning what once was, and instead I focus on what is.

Truth. 99% of my days now I’ve completely forgotten that all of this started with a single text message, tears on a sandwich unit, and a painful divorce that shook my soul to its core.

What’s to be learned? We do grow older, life does move on, pain is frequently replaced, and to this day; God has never failed me. Not even once. I have 94 times recorded in my life that God said, “Not yet” to teaching in a classroom. I have three different school districts where God said, “Not yet” to having my own setup for a future in the education industry. I have four years of God saying, “Be patient” while making sandwiches, playing with Facebook, and analyzing how frightening the adult world really is when we don’t have a safety net.

More often than not I find myself driving down the road, silently praying, “Please God, don’t let me wake up”, so fearful that the life I’m in now is merely just a dream conspired by my subconscious. There’s an element of fear and joy that have interestingly been blended together to a unique fragrance of change. It’s strange, unsettling, and delightfully pleasant to the sense. Understanding that a few months from now, when the fresh snow crunches beneath my feet, that I’ll be merely a few miles away from a frozen canvas of a mirrored lake just mesmerizes my understanding of who God truly is.

Who am I to receive such pleasure from my years of agony? What have I done to deserve such blessing? Even through the preconceived notions of grace; the painful reminder still resides in my soul. I have done nothing to deserve the life that I have. There’s nothing within the control of my life that dictates the success of recent years. MC was promoted today to a new position within her company. For the first time in her life that she now has her own office. Jim was lost when his company was bought, sold, and closed. Bailed on by his union and everyone around him; only by God’s grace was he able to locate a job that pays better, with more benefits, than the thirty plus years spent in that factory. Darco, truly the rags to riches story that I only thought existed elsewhere, has walked the fine line between destruction and destiny. Only in recent years coming to understand God’s love, and having it shown through her consistency of working for one of the largest companies in the world. In the past year, all four of us (myself, Jim, MC, and Darco) have undergone extensive industry transitions, all for the better of our lives.

We’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I’ve done nothing to deserve it.

I work in a field where experience comes naturally, and the element that I’m in is surprisingly comfortable. I fear adults, but I love interaction with my students. Example; I asked my students to create a Public Service Announcement (PSA) for the recent unit we’ve been going through (immigration, stereotypes, immigration law, culture, etc…). A student has decided to create a PSA on the psychological decision making that leads us to stereotype based off what we see, what we’ve seen, and what we’ve grown around. That’s a seventh grader create higher level thinking. That’s the joy of my everyday life.

There’s no way that I can convince myself to complain about the life that I’m living. My pants are too big, I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight in the recent six to eight months. Most days I inherently, automatically want to eat healthy because my body craves it. Yes, I’ve been sick this year, but I’m also a teacher. My body is healthy, looking in the mirror isn’t nearly as painful as it used to be.

I know it’s been some time since I’ve sat down to type out actual long winded thoughts of life on FilingThePapers, but that’s primarily because life is moving, life is beautiful, and life is a joy. As much as I love the experience of this digital world, the reality around me is so much sweeter than what cyberspace can give me.

Through the four years of complaints, fears, guilt, etc…I can feel the scars beginning to fade. I can sense peace beginning to stir my soul; eliminating the frustrations of hate that have plagued me for so long. The process probably takes the duration of one’s life, but at least the budding beginnings of the future are already becoming evident.

As for now? Keep moving one step at a time. Keep running, keep thinking, and keep living. Only now, at age 28, am I beginning to understand the reality of living a life that was meant to be lived.

Thank you, to you, my beloved reader.


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