These are the times that I swore that I’d remember when they came…
It was the student who brought me a bag of chocolates today (and a stress ball; I fear it was an unspoken indicator of my constant state in class). It was the ‘Merry Christmas’ text from the guy who set up the amazing house that Darco and I now call home. It was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed where my wife laid, talking about the direction of our lives, and thanking her for existing.
It’s all uncharted waters for me. Listening to my wife ask if we could afford property tax this month, and assuring her that all the funds are exactly where they should be, and we’re exactly where we planned to be financially based off our chart that we made. This life seems so unfamiliar and unreal. The concept of it being an everyday existence just doesn’t seem true. Knowing that I have endless miles of wilderness to run, a town of 8000 people two miles away from our house, and an amazing job working with children (middle school aged at that) just fascinates me.
This was never what I had planned.
I’m not sure where I was supposed to be at this moment in time five, ten years ago. Five years ago I was watching my first marriage slowly crumble into oblivion while simply thinking, “I can save this. I’m smart enough to on my own.” Ten years ago I was in my first romantic relationship, trying to understand college, life outside of high school, and a new world that I had just discovered. Perhaps in the present I’m just repeating some aspects of my past (and some, thankfully, not so much).
I still firmly believe that God doesn’t intend on us being content with the life that we’re given. I think He expects us to push ourselves to new thresholds of existence, and to always strive to bring glory to His kingdom. However, unlike my younger years of ignorance and hatred, I don’t believe that God designed our lives to be painful, frustrating, and frankly…hopeless. I’m finally to an age where I’m starting to see the pieces click together. I needed my wife so desperately, and I didn’t know that until years after we had married. That companionship is something that I had to work on, and forced me from being content. I love teaching middle school students. However, to find that love I had to refuse the ability and temptation of being content with industries that didn’t reach my soul.
What I’m learning is that as I continue to push the reach for new experiences in the refreshing rendition of life, so to do the unique doors that God continues to open up. Teaching? That’s strange enough to understand. Curriculum design, coaching, and teaching model coursework in my first year of teaching? Yeah, right! I love the fact that I get nervous every day I step into our school building. I get nervous because of the challenge of rising to the expectations of my students. It’s one of the most unique sensations I’ve ever witnessed.
I was finally pushed out of my level of ‘content’ with our apartment; realizing that as a couple, Darco and I had to leave. I was required to trust my spouse with heart’s desires to relocate us somewhere that brought joy to both of us. I don’t think that either of us had imagined that it’d be where we are today.
Maybe I’m just delusional, abstract, tired, or a mixture of both. I don’t claim to understand God (because trust me, I don’t); I can only take note in the world I see. As I continue to reach for new heights, more and more times I’m given opportunity to give Him praise for this insanely beautiful life.