I gave into my antisocial desire to avoid people this evening. First step is to admit the issue. The second is dealing with the frustration of the letdown.
Tonight, after school, I was to join a running group to work on speed sessions. Completely voluntary, open to the public. I’d been talking on social media, asking questions about tempo runs, time improvement, etc…it was something that would go well with what I’m looking for.
At 4:30 PM a severe thunderstorm watch was issued for the area. The track for this speed session was an hour south into the city. I wasn’t sure of the weather, so…I stayed home.
Now, I’m going through the guilt. I didn’t want to go because I’m slow. I’m not a fit, attractive runner. I’m awkward when I move, and my mind easily moves faster compared to my body. I am afraid. It’s so frustrating. My mind says, “Go make new friends. Go run.” My body just freezes, my stomach starts to churn, and I talk myself out of the event.
I’m an adult right? I can make my own decisions, and I can do as I please. Yes?
Maybe it’s the growing older process; I just can’t get over how much I truly struggle being around people. Not just people I know, but those I don’t. It’s embarrassing to have a complex similar to that of a teenager. Nothing makes sense. Common understanding is that it’s healthy to be around other people, it’s a cultural and societal drive.
I’m going to keep trying. I’ll get it right, it’s just going to take some time.
For now though, I think I’ll just go for a run.
But, why is it so hard to appropriately conduct in everyday life? Am I the only one that has these thoughts?