Sojourner


I have always been interested in the unique word sojourner. To understand what the word, not necessarily the historical name, actually means takes a bit of research and some creativity. Even in the Bible. a few translations make reference to being a sojourner throughout the land. Slowly but surely I’m beginning to have a better understanding of what this word means, and how it applies to me.

Perhaps, I should begin by offering a heart-felt apology to so many people. I feel guilt. Shame. Abandonment even. It may not necessarily make sense at the moment, but please believe me when I state my aim is not to create hate, but instead confess my own confusion.

I do not understand this world.

I do not understand this society.

I do not understand the people.

While not impossible, I do firmly question how hard it is to be a Christian within the society that I currently dwell in. Maybe that is too broad of a statement and/or question. Perhaps I have not tried hard enough to emphasize my thoughts, God’s will, or Biblical interpretations in relation to last weeks election.

I feel…nothing.

*crowd throws tomatoes*

I am sorry. This is where my heart hurts. I see one side of people thrilled about an elected leader who is going to ‘change the status quo in Washington’. I see another side that is full of fear, sadness, and anger. I’m stuck in the middle because I feel sadness for both sides. I cannot look at any person, any group of people, and suddenly feel threatened by their power. God is a lot bigger then what we measly humans can conjure up. That realization, that fact, that truth is what I hold onto on a daily basis. In fact, literally this is something I carry on me in the form of in on my left shoulder:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I did not get a tattoo just because I wanted one. I received one because I wanted that reminder with me. Originally, I thought it would serve as a reminder of what God has done to protect me coming out of a horrific divorce. However, five years past those tragic days I see that God’s message holds true in many uncertain events.

Reality is understanding that bad things will always plague this world. We have done this to ourselves. History demonstrates that to us on a daily basis. We will always have leaders that strike fear throughout the masses, and there will always be groups of people trying to rewrite the laws of society. This is not a situation within just the United States, this is a situation that resides within the global community.

I have watched friends, colleagues, people of faith, and people without, tear at each other for the past seven days. I tiptoe around every conversation I can, barely giving recognition to the results of the previous week. Why? Because I’m not spiritually swayed one way or another, there is no line for me. I follow the government as instructed, and I follow the God that created all of it. I try to keep my regulations and rules to a minimum, and simplify thoughts so that I do not become lost within ‘red tape’.

However, the problem with the information stated above is that it does not sit well with anyone within society anymore. I can say the things above because I am “a middle class, white, male who owns personal property”. I’m ‘entitled’ to live life risk free because of elements that I cannot control within my own identity. With that said, if I do choose to take a side, most likely either viewpoint will immediately conflict within the Biblical principles that I am to hold myself accountable to. I can gain the whole world, but in turn I can also lose my soul.

I feel like a wanderer, a person without a home. I feel the urge to apologize to every person I come across since last week because there is not a camp that I fall into. I don’t understand how Christian’s can take such polarizing stances on any specific political topic inside our society. So much of everything conflicts with the governing nature of God, Himself. I know what Christ said about government, I know what God warned about in relation to government, and I know that the direction is at all times to trust God, love like Christ, and endure the world that I currently live in.

Currently, I am not mad, angry, or frustrated with any group of people within the United States. Extremists, political groups, advocates, social media stalkers, etc…I’m sad because inside my soul; I can tell I do not belong. I feel isolated and alone because I did not take a side*, pick a camp, or reside with specific people that have the same political views. I chose none of it because none of it made sense compared to the teachings that I have immersed myself in. I do not need Church leaders to tell me who to vote for, who to be afraid of, or when to panic. I need a body that is willing to focus on what and who is important and recognize that the kingdoms of this world with come and go. Only one will forever remain.

In conclusion; I am sorry that you do not find me with a  safety pin, and I apologize that I do not join you in jokes about protestors, immigration, and racial charged groups of people. I apologize that I have very little share on social media, and my ‘political education’ appears to be turning up nothing of value for fuel of those looking.

I am sorry that this one time I will agree with former teachers, leaders, parents, and everyone else; I cannot resist but to go against the grain and not follow the standard norm. I am a sojourner; this is a land where I realize I will never belonged.

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19

-D-

*Note: As a citizen within this society, I would like to go on record of stating that I did vote within the election. Should be stated just as an act of clarification.

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X: Insomnia


Understand that my writing at this time in the morning is not due to depression, hatred, bitterness, or strong drink…

I slept 12 hours yesterday, hence the haunting of staying awake.

Thankfully, in between thoughts I am starting to yawn, so that is a plus towards movement in the direction of rest.

I have a strange weekend awaiting me, plenty of thoughts to process, but at the same time it’s steps closer to starting a new chapter of my life:

  1. Will be starting the packing process of my apartment and my belongings [trust me, not much left], and transporting them for storage into my parents house [trust me when I say for only until I’m back out, settled with my job]
  2. Will be hanging out at Missouri Valley Baptist Church on Sunday morning, a small church out in the sticks back north that completely rocked my world. Six years down here I couldn’t find a comfortable place to be, but one Sunday and I found one, can’t wait to get back there.
  3. Will be driving down to Livestrong Sporting Park in Kansas City, Kansas on Sunday afternoon [time allowed] to hang out in the members lounge with some other soccer-nuts to cheer on our national ladies in the finals for the World Cup [before cracking jokes, think about how excited you were when the men won their pool for the first time ever last year].

Naturally I expect this weekend to be enjoyable, filled with friends and family, a nice change from the past week of rather isolated darkness that is this place.

*pulls out map

“…I’m ready to come home…”

-D-

X: Conforming To The Anti-Conformist


We live in strange times.

I am part of the “Me Generation” [which is a play-on-words for those who remember Microsoft Window’s ME Edition].

What is really boils down is that though we have aged, the world still revolves around us, it’s about us, it’s about me, and it is in no way, shape, or form about you. Pretty harsh, but in the business perspective of things, it could actually be beneficial in the sake of marketing.

I’m rambling.

The reason I make this point of the generation is because of how forceful it has been in my own life as of late.

“D, you need to loosen up.”

“D, you need to go to a club.”

“D, you think too much.”

“D, you need to enjoy life a bit…”

“Who knows D, maybe you could get lucky for a night…” [still the strangest one I’ve heard]

While I appreciate all the kind words [and strange ones], I must admit all of this revolves around the same theme: altering my own personality, reality, and self in order to ‘be fixed’ by other individuals.

Perhaps it is something about being an American; because we figured out the light bulb, combustion engine, and nuclear fission, then we can fix anything and everything.

Sometimes a person doesn’t need to be fixed, they just need to wait for the right individual.

We know a few things about myself:

  • I am very polarizing
  • I am very opinionated
  • When threatened my reaction is to persuade
  • I hate loud noises [though I fall asleep to club music]
  • I ask a ton of questions
  • I read like a nerd locked in a Carnegie Library
  • I like to talk…A LOT
  • I cannot sit still, neither can my mind
  • I’m always thinking

While these stand as unique entities, they can be quite the ‘push-off’ towards other people of the wrong personalities.

I make a vow right now,
I will not change myself for another individual.

While I tend not to enjoy the cockiness of “love me for who I am, or forget you I’m moving on”, I think there is some truth behind that blunt concept. However, one must be careful because it is easy to go into the opposite direction. If we spend all of our time forcing ourselves to be ourselves and not being what other people wants us to be, then we can in turn fall back into the grouping of people that entitle themselves “my generation”.

Is it wrong to want to be a unique individual that refuses to gather in any one house?

I say this: There is one house that I would and do wish to be under, but to be of that house, I mustn’t be in other houses [see where I’m going here]? It’s hard to not conform to the anti-conformity [hard to follow, isn’t it], but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t make the claim to the kid at the club, “You’re going to hell you sinner!” I mean for goodness sake, I’m going through a divorce. However, it is one of those moments where I can truly say, “It isn’t for me.” I don’t drink alcohol because I fear being the castaway sinner [the private, Christian college I went to was surrounded by tatoo’d, binge drinking, Christ professing, psycho’s…the extreme of our generations stance on faith within America], I don’t drink because it makes me sick, literally [that, and the seriously large amounts of money involved in it]. I’m not taking a stance against so many because I wish to condemn and judge, but because it doesn’t fit my personality.

In the mental ways of our culture…

I feel like a nomad.

Me generation says: “You think too much, relax.”
The generation ahead of me says: “You’re not controllable, you need to learn to respect those ahead of you and not question.”

*covers face with cloak and wonders back out into the desert

-D-