XXXI: Decades Lost


Blinking and understanding that life that once was is no longer, and will shall not be remembered, must be forgotten, and memory is an intolerable sin of humanity’s fall.

Did any of that make sense?

It’s 2016. The modern world is alive and well, my generation has taken over the voting booths, polling places, and work force. We are everywhere, it is an infestation on levels that I would have never been able to imagine even in the darkest recesses of my mind.

Why do I not fit in?

It is to the point of frustration. I don’t understand the connotation of potentially lying one’s way through life in order to appease the public and the masses, and for that action to accepted as a cultural norm. Why? The people I was taught to be like, Paul, John, Jesus…none of them conformed, none of them fit in, so why is it wrong when I still struggle to do the same?

Sometimes you come off as arrogant and pretentious.

Your body language gives people the sensation that you know more compared to them.

The tone of your voice indicates that you are defensive.

Have you looked at your body posture? Stop crossing your arms at church, you look like you don’t want to be there.

You don’t have to say that you’re miserable. The way you act says that without the words.

How did life become so complicated and difficult to translate? Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to find second meanings, real meanings behind people’s words? Why does a pastor’s words cause me think that I need to see a behavioral specialist because I struggle working with other people? Am I that sinful? Am I that flawed? Am I truly designed incorrectly by God?

Did He make a mistake?

Something that I don’t think people take into consideration with their words (irony) is that eventually those burdens are overbearing to the individual receiving them. Eventually they get to a point where they believe they are so rotten that they truly should be discarded by the enjoyment of societal gains. We use words, assuming they mean little, and focus so hard on the actions that we don’t ingest the meaning, the passion, the potential truth of the words. We treat conversations like whispers and pretend they never happened until we feel offended, we feel threatened, we feel that someone doesn’t like us.

We scrub our soul, trying to understand what toxicity exists within the pores of our mind’s crevices. We are frequently, passive aggressively, informed that we are wrong and flawed. However, even when desired, remedies are never provided. When humanity cannot provide the needed resources, it only makes sense that many consult historical, religious texts for guidance. When happens when the text conflict with the behavior of the present majority. Who is right? Who is wrong? Who budges and who accepts the problems that fall within their own realm of responsibility?

I stay out of election news, I avoid politics, and I rarely discuss the military. I try to avoid all conflict when possible, and I don’t go into conversations looking for a fight. I’ve spent, what feels to be decades now, trying to resolve the ongoing social issue that states that I can’t avoid chaos. That I have to go against the grain. That I have to be different.

When does society, if they ever do, begin the accept the idea that I do not dream at night of the tumultuous points of action that I can partake in? When does a culture begin to actual practice what they preach and accept a person because of their unique identity?

Our greatest lie at this point is announcing that we’re adoptive of all people, yet still ensuring that those who don’t measure up, are made very well aware of their failures to be measured by our stick.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Rubber Bands


Here I am, two hundred miles from home, a race at 8:00 AM tomorrow morning.

Primarily hills.

I went to warm up on a light mile this evening. Halfway through, heading up a hill, all I felt was a ‘pop!’ in my left calf.

I was done.

So, two hundred miles from home I’m trying to figure out how to keep my body together for 3.1 miles tomorrow morning.

Words can’t even express how absolutely upset I am at this moment.

-D-

XXXI: Not My Own


It’s 9:30 PM and I’m sitting in the living room eating tacos from the kitchen. i’ve just finished another anime episode and I fell asleep on the couch; requiring Darco to wake me up for bed. It’s been that kind of day.

Absolute exhaustion and trying times.

Yesterday was a mess. Between some student loan issues (imagine that), screwing up an assignment for class, and just a failure to adapt to the classroom, it was not a pleasant experience. I was in a rather foul mood last night by the time I left school, and I was hoping (and seriously praying) that today would be different. Thankfully, this was the case. I’m not stating that the day was perfect in comparison to yesterday, but I am going to say that God was able to change my mindset and expectations, so that I could work in an area I love with a more humble soul.

Twice, in the past six months, I’ve failed to gain a classroom position inside the school. The first time it created a horrible sense of bitterness internally, but in the end I had to accept the reality that I didn’t hold the legal requirements to teach. Why should I be mad at someone else for the mistakes I’ve made? With that memory in mind I was able to handle the news of potentially missing out on another classroom position this week. Through this process I started to see the pattern that I’ve become a hypocrite in front of my own students…

So many times I’ve complained about students having this sense of entitlement when they’re in school, “Well, I earned this.” or “Well, I deserve that.” can be heard as distant echoes down the hallway. It’s rather irritating to hear and very discouraging when thinking of what the future could hold for them in this very hostile, unfriendly world.

I say that while with the same mouth and mind I can hear myself saying, out of bitterness…

I’m mad because I’ve earned this opportunity…

I’m upset because I deserve to have this chance…

Doesn’t matter the age, the reality is the same. I’m no different compared to my own students. I have this horrible, worldly sensation that punctures my soul with greed. The truth is, is that I don’t even deserve the job that I currently have. The bitter reality is knowing that there’s nothing in these previous four years of life that indicate I even deserve the life that I’ve been given. Classroom? Trying deserving the wife I have, a supportive family, loving friends, a healthy life, etc…

Who am I to seek entitlement for a life I don’t even deserve?

it was a hard, bitter pill to swallow. Recognizing how fallen I am, and how dirty I’ve become. Realizing this is why it became easier to accept my position, cling to my school, and stop worrying about all the details and just live an enjoyable life. I can firmly say that, that in itself is a blessing that I’ve missed for years.

Maybe this is just another one of my random rants about life. i’ve missed out twice on the hopes of having a real classroom for the next school year, and I’m thankful that God’s prepared my soul to handle the understanding that sometimes His timing and our own for our lives don’t always match up.

I have to require my soul to be alright with understanding that I cannot be in control of my life.

It wasn’t my own to start with anyways…

-D-

XXXI: Placed On IR


There is one part of my body that I can’t stand having ‘medical’ issues with, that’s my mouth. Dentist, orthodontist, etc…if it involves numbing shots, gas, and surgical saws I’m beyond not game for any of that adventure.

The second part of my body would be anything to derails me from being able to run. Dating back to April of this year I’ve been battling a longing, nasty, chronic Achilles injury. It’s annoying and it’s keeping me from being able to give it my all. I’ve iced it, I’ve taped it, and all sorts of other remedies, but sadly the pain isn’t getting any better (thankfully it isn’t getting any worse). Today I was able to visit with my orthopedic surgeon (the closest thing I’ve had to a family doctor in my lifetime), and he examined my Achilles.

Pretty straight forward, no rupture, but he did diagnose it as Achilles Tendonitis. It is one of the most common injuries in runners, especially in those pile up the mileage too quickly. This was the exact case in April when I busted out a 10K run way too early. So, now I’m paying the price…and it’s a rather nasty one at that.

No running.
No inclines.
No jogging.
No squats.
No calf raises.
No leg presses.
No Turkey Trot.

As Dr. Smith put it, “you are now on the IR list” for at least until Christmas. He wants me to back way off on the use of my left foot (he threatened with a boot), and give it time to fully recover. If I don’t I run a serious risk of a full rupture that results in surgery. So, for now I’m stuck in the gym for the next six weeks enjoying some core work, upper body, and plenty of elliptical time. It isn’t ideal by any means, but if there was a time during the year that I’d enjoy having this happen, it’d definitely be in the depths of a dead winter.

Here’s praying that some desired time off my feet will result in better results heading into 2015.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: CERTS!


As I’ve hinted to in the past, and very much the truth for those who know me in real life…I really do enjoy the concept of teaching, classroom management, growth, etc…all of it I thoroughly enjoy.

Except…I can’t stand the paperwork that comes with being under any for of department, in this case the department of education. Obtaining a degree in Political Science taught me to avoid ‘red tape’ at all costs. Unfortunately, if you desire to be responsible for children* then you must be part of the department and follow all of their rules.

Case in point, where I’m currently sitting. I would like to go forward and take a certification test for Middle School Science. In my current situation, due to the fact that I haven’t taught since leaving college, this is my recent requirements:

1. Go back to college for a 2-3 hour course to reinstate my certification in high school social sciences
-OR-
1. Have a school district sign me to a ‘part time’ contract and in turn my certification would be activated

Afterwards…

1. Complete provisional requirements to enter the classroom as a science teacher in the middle school, having to have that granted by the state
2. If provisional application is granted, I would then need to apply for a middle school science certification test by the state, find the test date, and find the location (not even noting the money required for this). Not to mention this is an entirely different certification platform test compared to the one that one was required to pass to obtain initial certification in 2009
3. Take test, and pass with the required score set by the department of education
4. If the score is a passing score additional certification will be granted

Now, try explaining all of that to a school district…

My point exactly.

-D-

*Because we all know no types of certification is required to lead adults, you just need to be able to lie.

Mobile Minutes: 93% Cacao


Ehhh…
I’m currently listening to a pastor compare the Kansas City Royals to the royalty of Christ.
*sigh*
Sorry, just feels like a gimmick. Non-intentional I’m sure, but my evil college theology roots are brewing this morning. I’m obviously not that creative, hence why I’m rather bitter about the strange comparison.
That and the fact that I truly despise how our culture revolves around athletics and not other identity of a culture.
I’m obviously lacking patience due to my lack of coffee. I can see the comparison, I understand the points, but I must be becoming old and weathered because it just seems cliche (having half the church body demonstrating their allegiance by wearing “vintage” Royals also is…well…meh).
Perhaps I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed because I’m overwhelmingly lacking the enjoyment, the sweetness of life. I’m merely dealing with internal bitters that seem to have filtered into the blood stream (why does no one ever refer to a ‘soul stream’).

Life is hard, marriage takes work, and patience is always lacking. Runs don’t move as smoothly, and the fridge tends to be empty (or worse, requiring actual cooking).

image

Le...meh

People wear me out, and cyberspace is inviting. I could get lost in zero’s and one’s and be at peace. However, as tempting as that utopia seems, I still know it isn’t where my life should exist, and no, I don’t always enjoy acknowledging that truth.

Today, I’m merely like dark chocolate. The 93% dark chocolate, there is nothing sweet, it’s just bitter, but in some ways dealing with that bitterness can equal added health benefits.

I acknowledge my lack of patience, bitterness, and overall anger today (no breakfast aids to that). I’m not in a good mood, and it is hard to handle. It requires so much humility, so much embarrassment in order to flush the system. In the end it’ll take a nice long run tonight to cool off and wear down.

-D-

XXXI: Language Barrier


I suppose it isn’t really fair to use the phrase, “God is confusing”. In many ways He tends to explain His will, desire, and expectations pretty clearly…we also tend to get so caught up in the world around us that it muddles the communication between ourselves and Him.

Currently: I’m a muddled mess. Continue reading

XXXI: More Papers


I’m typing this from my parent’s PC in the living room this hot afternoon in the Midwest. I should be typing this on my laptop, right? Yeah, I should except that, that laptop wasn’t mine to begin with, it belonged to the company that I was employed with.

Note: was

Earlier this afternoon I was notified that my services as a social media consultant were no longer needed as the businesses I worked with were “going in a new direction” by way of social media use. In other words, I didn’t fit the bill, I had worn out my welcome, and I was no longer needed.

Put bluntly: I was let go from my job this afternoon.

Just like a divorce, and other eventful, painful moments in life there seems to always be paperwork involved. I had to leave my signature along with an office key, laptop, and security device that allowed me into the office. I couldn’t write my name quick enough.

For a few weeks, very similar to the events that transpired with Subway in July of last year, I had the internal feeling that my time was drawing short within the company. I wasn’t involved in as many meetings, I was being asked what the passwords were for all the social media accounts, and other little hints that I was able to note that the end was coming.

Thankfully, I wasn’t completely caught off guard this afternoon. Darco was, as I’m sure I just made her shift at the coffee shop very stressful, but internally I’m quite well. The truth is that while I enjoyed this “dream job”, I don’t think that it was the dream for me. I enjoyed what I did, but I definitely wound up viewing it as a job, and not as something that I forgot I was doing for a job. Also, in light of ongoing conversations with Darco about running, this too ties into a delicate topic that we had discussed for the previous few weeks.\

Spiritually, I don’t see this as God saying, “You abused what I gave you, so I’m taking it all away.” Instead I find peace and excitement in knowing that gears are finally turning, and change is coming to our household. It’s hard to fight back the fears of paychecks, bills, and other ongoing problems, but where this door was evidently closed and this chapter secured; a new one is bound to open soon.

I’m pleased in the fact that the first thing I did after leaving the office was contact the former employee I worked under while subsitute teaching in a local school district. While I’m sure there is some needed paperwork for me to fill out, I’m quite confident that I’ll be back in the classroom within that district very soon. Darco is looking for promotion halfway through September, and while the paycut is indeed evident, if things go smoothly it’ll balance itself out quickly.

I understand that substitute teaching is definitely a short term fix to the immediate problem, so it looks like the resume I’ve been working on for a few weeks was a positive indicator and evidence that I listened to God. There’s a position that has opened up at a specific office that I’m interested in, so I’ll be sure to check that out as well. If nothing else, perhaps the third time is the charm. Twice now I’ve avoided full time teaching positions because something else has come up at the last moment, perhaps this’ll be the time where that cycle ends.

I’m not sure. What I do know for sure is that it’ll be nice not to work on a Twitter account 24/7 non-stop knowing that appreciation will never be given. The other blessing (big time), is that because of the decrease of the mental load, I can begin to focus more and more on my running curriculumn. I’m sure there are plently of readers that may their eyes while reading over these lines, but for future progression this is an important blessing to immediately recognize.

I’m not heartbroken or sad, I was scared for quite a while today, but the more I calm down the more I begin to realize how much of a real life blessing this really is.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Hades Hump Day


It’s been that  day.

Between learning last night that once again Darco’s car is in need of repairs (I can’t underline enough how much I HATE Pontiac vehicles), and being out of Almond Milk (AGAIN!), last night kind of preempted the version of day I was destined for today. By the way, learning that we were out of Almond Milk was after I took the thirty minute side trip after work to gather other ingredients for the smoothies, including a new protein powder that is a tasteful blend of grass and sand.

Cat is heading to the vet this afternoon (AGAIN!) for acting stranger than usual*.
No Almond Milk means no smoothies this morning for breakfast. This equals Dunkin Donuts for a quick sandwich. A twenty minute line outside…a twenty minute line inside due to a 16 year old discovering their first job.
Money Orders: How hard is it to locate place that makes money orders? I knew the Post Office did, but only if you have cash or debit with you (I always forget my PIN so I use the credit option). This resulted in heading to the bank (adding extra time) to get a money order.
Why did I need the money order? Because the beloved town of Camden Point, Missouri [pause…waiting for you to find it] only allows money orders or cashier checks to pay for their speeding tickets.
Speeding tickets? Why yes! Last month is a completely illogical, unrealistic, and overall stupid sense of entitlement rent-a-cop went postal on me for not following his speed limit, not the practical limit that would be in place in many towns based off road conditions, size of road, and expectation of braking to the stop sign at safe speeds. It’s the first traffic ticket that I’ve ever wished to argue, but sadly…I didn’t have enough faith in myself to actually follow through with the bitterness.
Coffee in hand, check acquired, I spent an hour in the town of Camden Point, Missouri trying to locate their City Hall to drop off the citation. There’s only one catch I learned after talking to the local librarian…

…THIS TOWN DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A CITY HALL! THEIR CITY CLERK WORKS FROM THEIR HOME NEARLY TWENTY MILES SOUTH OF THE TOWN…

…out of hostility I marched up to the Post Office (with no one there mind you) took the check, the ticket, and a piece of paper with the city clerks named scratched on it and stuck it together with a piece of tape [no envelope], and crammed it down the chute of the office for today’s pickup. If I get arrested tonight I’ll know it didn’t work (the city clerk did instruct me, over the phone, to go that direction).

Through the chaos I finally reached work at 12:00 PM. I missed the first World Cup match for the morning for a client, and I learned that have of my lunch was in a frozen block of ice.

This doesn’t even include a phone call about student loans…

 Is that enough “First World Problems” for today?

-D-

*At this point the ‘dark one’ is jumping onto the top of the couch, ears back, taking a swipe at my backside, and hissing upon my entry into the apartment. No, this time that’s not normal.