Mobile Minutes: Numb Death


Death.
The context of it didn’t mean much to me growing up. I accepted the idea of death, but an individual dying didn’t play at my heart strings.

Truly, honestly it was until finding out this morning that a former supervisor (and a current friend) lost their spouse, that the truth of death really set in.

Finding the news made my heart hurt. I put Darco in the scenario, and the imaginary trip from that was enough to force me from bed to locate food.

It hurts. Death hurts when you embrace love. As a Christian I can speak of the peace associated with the first death, but as a human the reality is still haunting.

I’m going to squeeze Darco a little tighter tonight, and keep praying for my friend. I suppose all of this reminds me that I’m getting a little older, and my heart is finally getting a little softer.

-D-

Advertisements

Mobile Minutes: Breaking


I cried last night. While laying in bed this overwhelming sensation of guilt and failure rushed over me. The best thing I could do was hold Darco, whisper, “I’m sorry”, and hope to fall asleep.
It’s isn’t that I miss the job, it’s knowing what kind of bind my shortcoming has placed on our family…again. We learned that it may take up to six weeks for my substitute license to get renewed through DESE (Dept. of Elementary and Secondary Education), and of course that was a sensation of heartache that came through the family when we learned that.
Whether I liked my previous job or not really isn’t the question, it’s more about understanding that I failed. Again.

-D-

XXXI: More Papers


I’m typing this from my parent’s PC in the living room this hot afternoon in the Midwest. I should be typing this on my laptop, right? Yeah, I should except that, that laptop wasn’t mine to begin with, it belonged to the company that I was employed with.

Note: was

Earlier this afternoon I was notified that my services as a social media consultant were no longer needed as the businesses I worked with were “going in a new direction” by way of social media use. In other words, I didn’t fit the bill, I had worn out my welcome, and I was no longer needed.

Put bluntly: I was let go from my job this afternoon.

Just like a divorce, and other eventful, painful moments in life there seems to always be paperwork involved. I had to leave my signature along with an office key, laptop, and security device that allowed me into the office. I couldn’t write my name quick enough.

For a few weeks, very similar to the events that transpired with Subway in July of last year, I had the internal feeling that my time was drawing short within the company. I wasn’t involved in as many meetings, I was being asked what the passwords were for all the social media accounts, and other little hints that I was able to note that the end was coming.

Thankfully, I wasn’t completely caught off guard this afternoon. Darco was, as I’m sure I just made her shift at the coffee shop very stressful, but internally I’m quite well. The truth is that while I enjoyed this “dream job”, I don’t think that it was the dream for me. I enjoyed what I did, but I definitely wound up viewing it as a job, and not as something that I forgot I was doing for a job. Also, in light of ongoing conversations with Darco about running, this too ties into a delicate topic that we had discussed for the previous few weeks.\

Spiritually, I don’t see this as God saying, “You abused what I gave you, so I’m taking it all away.” Instead I find peace and excitement in knowing that gears are finally turning, and change is coming to our household. It’s hard to fight back the fears of paychecks, bills, and other ongoing problems, but where this door was evidently closed and this chapter secured; a new one is bound to open soon.

I’m pleased in the fact that the first thing I did after leaving the office was contact the former employee I worked under while subsitute teaching in a local school district. While I’m sure there is some needed paperwork for me to fill out, I’m quite confident that I’ll be back in the classroom within that district very soon. Darco is looking for promotion halfway through September, and while the paycut is indeed evident, if things go smoothly it’ll balance itself out quickly.

I understand that substitute teaching is definitely a short term fix to the immediate problem, so it looks like the resume I’ve been working on for a few weeks was a positive indicator and evidence that I listened to God. There’s a position that has opened up at a specific office that I’m interested in, so I’ll be sure to check that out as well. If nothing else, perhaps the third time is the charm. Twice now I’ve avoided full time teaching positions because something else has come up at the last moment, perhaps this’ll be the time where that cycle ends.

I’m not sure. What I do know for sure is that it’ll be nice not to work on a Twitter account 24/7 non-stop knowing that appreciation will never be given. The other blessing (big time), is that because of the decrease of the mental load, I can begin to focus more and more on my running curriculumn. I’m sure there are plently of readers that may their eyes while reading over these lines, but for future progression this is an important blessing to immediately recognize.

I’m not heartbroken or sad, I was scared for quite a while today, but the more I calm down the more I begin to realize how much of a real life blessing this really is.

-D-

Mobile Minutes: Morning of Mourning


I woke up to a very tragic text this morning. A young woman (24) was killed in a car accident last night.

Sadly, she was a competitor against me in speech/debate in high school, my prom date, and even my girlfriend for a period of time.

Not really how I expected my morning to start, but…without sounding too “church-y”, I would at least ask to keep her family in your prayers.

Death is never easy on anyone.

Let Tuesday begin…

-D-

XO: Vengeance


Alright, time for you to get ‘the list’ out. Yes, the list that no Christian ever possesses; the list of severity of a sin based on what the sin is. You know what I’m talking about.

Tonight, for sake of honesty, I’m getting mine out. My hidden list that completely goes against the concept of what Christianity teaches. Why? Because I’m one very messed up human who has some serious grudge issues.

My number one sin; the top of the top is…

REVENGE

Why? Because I’m full of it. This burning, lustful desire to ensure that none of the people that have turned their backs on me gets to vanish without knowing exactly who I am, and that they were completely wrong on who I was. It also reaches out to those who have hurt me, damaged trust, used me, or just plain left me to rot.

It’s incredible the unique description of this list; it includes at least three ‘men of God’ [preachers], and all sorts of other individuals. Is this list wrong? YES! INSANELY YES! However, painfully, it’s a burden that I bare, and a curse that I live with.

The horrible reality is that they’re all right.

I didn’t rise above. I didn’t become someone great. I didn’t become the humanitarian, and I failed a ‘missionary’. I’m a ruined, tainted Christian due to a Baptist-style divorce, and I’ve now successfully watched two church bodies lose pastors for absolutely insane, selfish reasons. I feel like again, I’ve completely failed my wife, and that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror…I’ve gained that much weight. I wake up in the morning and I find myself apologizing in the shower. Telling God I’m sorry for being a mistake, I’m sorry for damaging so many plans, and tarnishing His kingdom. I can’t even express in words how much, as of late, I honestly feel like a failure.

My outlet is reverting back to stupid mindsets of uncontrollable anger, frustration, and sorrow. A student today said that I sound like I’m a loner, and unfortunately I couldn’t agree more. Most importantly I feel terrible for Darco, I have this undying fear that I’ve caused so much regret for her. That I’m never happy and it destroys her; even though it has nothing to do with her.

The harsh reality is that I can’t make anyone happy, I can’t do anything right, and I’m a joke of a Christian.

Sounds pretty pitiful right?

That’s because it is.

I would be a liar if I told you life was perfect, easy, and full of happiness. It’s hard, it’s dark, and it’s full of disappointment. Much of this is brought upon myself, and I have no excuse. I accept these realities, and openly choose not to pin anyone else for them.

I don’t understand God’s plan, I have no idea what to do, and I’m in a 24/7 state of confusion. These are all truths. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m not praying for a ‘bright light’. I’m merely asking for peace for me and mine, and constant persuasion to hold onto hope. It feels like I’m slipping, that anger that I’ve worked on monitoring for years is flaring back up, and I don’t want my plague to affect anyone else.

I know God is here, I understand that He loves and forgives, but I also understand when anyone makes the statement starting with:

But God could never use someone like me…

-D-

Mobile Minutes: List Time!


1. Brake line broke on my truck
2. Battery died in my truck
3. Brakes and rotors were ruined in Darco’s car
4. Darco hasn’t been promoted (yet)
5. The pastor resigned
6. The cat woke me up at 1:30 AM puking and attempting to use the restroom…outside his litter box (he’s sick)
7. I’ve been stranded outside for three hours now in Kansas City because the starter went out in the car. Getting it towed.
8. Darco was injured at work a few weeks ago. Now proceeding workmens comp.
9. Kansas City Shock
10. Broke the pizza stone
11. Killed the blender
12. Arguing…

There’s no “God won’t give you so much that you can’t handle.” That’s referred to as “theological crap”.

There’s no clean way to spin it. Darco and I have been taking an incredible beating as of late…

…we’re tired…

-D-