XXXI: Prayers of Laughter

We’re laughing in the middle of a prayer; God is going to be so mad at us…

Here’s the truth: Darco and I struggle to come to a middle ground when it comes to church. I struggle with music, but love deep, theological ideas through a sermon. She enjoys music…and people. Needless to say, we’re not exactly on equal terms, but we’re trying.

In recent adventures, through way of Google Maps and Facebook, we found a church near our house that had a young adult group that met every Monday night. We had come to the understanding, and both of us agree, that one of our struggles is not being around people our age. Not the people that are currently having kids (no offense), but the ones that are starting their adult lives, not rushing into families, and trying to make an impression on the world before being whisked away in the world of…family.

That’s when, while visiting this small church, we learned of the small group of young adults that met each Friday night at the leaders apartment a few miles away from where we reside. Last Friday, against all social fears that I could dream up, Darco and I traveled to this strange little apartment to be surrounded by a handful of people…that we’d never met, and that we knew absolutely nothing about.

The group was inviting, relaxed, chilled, and…wait for it…focused on humor, relationships, and faith. There was a quick devotion, some time for singing, and just talking about the real, unique problems that face people our age. Interestingly enough Darco and I are the only married people in the group. That’s an interesting perspective that I never thought I’d witness.

It was warm, comfortable, and inviting. Honestly, it was exactly what Darco and I had been searching for. There were people from India, South Korea, California, Missouri, Kansas, etc…fascinatingly diverse, but still unified on the same grounds of concept; faith, Christ, God, love. Even more awesome to me was the fact that not all the people there attended the same church. Some attended the small church we originally visited, some from a church near my school, and others from throughout the city. They came from all walks of life, and were respected for the unique quirks, concepts, and ideas.

Doctrine wasn’t discussed; only exactly what the Bible had to say and the encouragement to do better, dive deeper, grow stronger as  Christian and to rely on one another. It was so mesmerizing that Darco and I inadvertantly were there for nearly three hours last Friday night.

It was so fascinating that we decided to go again last night. Again, challenged to actually read the Bible, listening to people confess their shortfalls was so humbling to witness, and to know that people supported and prayed for one another was just jaw-dropping. It was basic and simple; it was something that I was extremely comfortable with. I was able to speak thoughts with this group, to listen, and to discover more about all of these people that are so seemingly close to same point in their lives as myself.

Consider it a blessing; I know that I do. It’s incredible that on Sunday nights I can witness the maturity of people and families that are established that we spend time with. On Friday nights it’s comforting being around believers that understand the similarities that each other are going through within the age establishment of the group.

Finally, it is the overcoming sensation of speaking to random strangers. I’m not one to enjoy heading out, being with groups, and talking about faith. That’s a rather stressful point of conversation I’ve learned over the years. However, there is something that can click within the individual to where a suppressed sensation of “this is safe, take a chance” becomes apparent. I consider this small blessing a large victory. It has been nearly nine years since multiple days throughout the week involved multiple groups of people. Again, I consider this gain. The temptation is be quiet, isolated, and individualized…the truth is that I need the fellowship, the wisdom, and the support of those around me.

Overcoming so frequently can become eventual blessings.


Mobile Minutes: Old School

The internet is out at our place currently, so I’m doing this like the old school days, inputting by phone.

Allow me to start by showing you the lunch special at a friend of mines joint:


Chicken & Waffles

That my dear friends is how you do chicken & waffles.

I’m to the point in the evening that I’m icing my feet, and also dozing in and out of sleep. I can relate this only to being sick and falling asleep on the toilet. The Monday-Friday schedule isn’t easy. It’s not the morning workout that got me, it was the evening workout at which point I had wished I was asleep for the night.

I’m tired, but I tell myself it’s worth it. Tomorrow I only have one session in the morning, 1.5 days of rest following, and a four mile race Friday morning. I expect Saturday to be restful, and Sunday to be light. Killing it again on Monday.

Spiritually…it’s a fight. Several times today I found myself staring off into space thinking, “This really is impossible…”. I’m sure that’ll forever be the battle. I’m not sure why but the term impossible is addictive, it’s this sensational desire to just prove the sheer idea wrong. I work to find communion with God, and at the same time I’m frequently having to put a new demon to rest. I suppose spirituality life is just as taxing as the physical life.

I’m still learning.

Good news is tomorrow is the last day in the office, and I’m out for three days in Arkansas.

The dark one has already beaten me to falling asleep…


I ice, he sleeps...


Mobile Minutes: Adjustments

I took a nap this afternoon and I mean I woke up in a panic that I can’t even describe [those of who know how much I hate loud noises would understand this]. I jumped out of bed, hopped in the shower and just tried to wash off the panic…but I wound up scrubbing off so much more…

  • Doubt
  • Fear
  • Depression
  • Unknown
  • Faithlessness
  • Adultery
  • Idolatry
  • Laziness

It turned in to a period that I absolutely loved. My spiritual life in the past two weeks has been awful. I mean straight up terrible. I hadn’t read the Bible since…not sure. I was put off by this stupid marital counseling book that was suggested by Darco and I’s pastor [I mean…I really didn’t like it], and my prayer life; the one thing I cling to usually, was in the dumps. Financial stress, along with job searching, the Kansas City Shock, North Point, etc…it just all piled up and I didn’t give it all up.

I’ve hurt Darco in recent days because of my attitude, I haven’t been focused on serving her, something I deeply regret. I’ve let myself go physically; it’s bad, and I dream of doing so much but I’m not allowing God in to do anything. After all, it isn’t about me; right?

We’re going to make some adjustments after tonight’s Kansas City Shock BBQ. I’m revamping this site, adding some content on the headers and building a YouTube page. This site isn’t any longer about me surviving a divorce, it’s about moving on, growing stronger, and focusing on life now and focusing on love now and dreams now and fitness now…it’s about the now.

I think it started with this piece on one of our players this morning. Personally, because I give thanks to the MoVal family and I haven’t lived up to my expectations.

Let’s retake this city.


2012 Special: Growing Wings

It would be a tragedy if I didn’t follow suit of so many other digital authors and not disclose my inner, darkest secrets by way of a reflection of the 2012 year of my life.

While there is some sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek reference in the noted piece above, realistically I think it would be wise to share an overview, an overall thought, if you will, of the 2012 year in my life.

Walking up my snow covered steps into my apartment tonight I mulled over the different aspects and ideas of terming this piece, “Would it be ‘Mobile Minutes’? Should it be ‘O’? Do I start over with a new letter? No. That’s stupid.” However, I think the standard “2012 Special” does suffice to bring attention and a simple thought to capture the overall idea of what this year was all about should also be included.

Growing Wings

Thankfully I am not a bird, and by no means do i recognize myself even being remote to angelic hosts. However, in the first time in twenty five years, I felt the drive for adventure and I went for it. The later part of 2011 I found myself recovering, searching, and trying to put pieces together in order to find the next part of my journey. It turns out traumatic events, like a divorce, will do that to you.

Below you’ll find the links; yes the master link files, to some of the bigger moments of the 2012 year for FilingThePapers and myself.

These are just a few of the many reasons to be thankful for the last year. New friends, same family, growing each and every day. by now it is January 1st, 2013 and I’m feeling alive and well. To all of those who have read, written, contributed, prayed, screamed, and laughed; thank you! Let’s be sure that 2012 is merely a memory by the time we get done with 2013!

Let’s soar like eagles…


P.S. New Year’s started on a great note! Check this out by the Kansas City Star! The Kansas City Shock got named dropped with the big guys in the soccer world!


To the fans, the followers, and the friends. Thank you all so much for the past year! You are huge, wonderful, and so loving! My growth and advancement one year later from the moment my wife left, would not have been possible without each one of you! As I finish this letter, I am getting ready to board for Houston, Texas on our way to Guatemala!



X: Growing Pains

First of all; to all the folks who give input on my posts. I enjoy each and every one of you [though secretly when I awake to them in the morning, I grumble all the way through my morning shower]. Input tells me that you’re reading, and you reading equals me writing, and in turn your actions and thoughts can resonate in my own growth and therapy.

I slept in today and woke up thinking about God [what a nice change, right?]

I think I felt personal conviction for my mindset as of late, or at least the temptation of it. Naturally, it only makes sense that the Kansas City Shock has been sucking up what free time I ever have. You truly do not know how much work I have placed into that thing [not stated to be defensive, just stating]. However, I want to be sure that everyone understands that my priority still stands with Subway. God blessed me with an incredible job, and a flexible job. Flexible enough that I can work on this soccer ‘hobby’, as some may state. I have an incredible boss and supervisor who see potential in me, and work me through my rough spots, and much of what I’ve learned in that business I have applied to my own business. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not grateful for what I’ve been given in that sense. We all know from past entries that this job came out of the blue, right when I needed money the most. It was rough at first, but God made it work. Some days I do get behind, and the beginning of the month is always the worst [because I’m coming off lull time for a week], but God continues to bless me with that job.

One store I worked on [for confidentiality sake I can’t disclose too much information], it was a pain from the beginning. So many issues, but I kept at it, and the staff became friendlier and friendlier. By the time my time with that store had passed, the earnings were up…considerably.

That. Is. Not. My. Doing.

There is no secret recipe, there’s no magical formula, and I don’t have a degree in business. God just continues to take care of me. He keeps taking care of me with the Shock as well.

I started working on this program [ by the way] several months ago, with just a vision and no set path. I was expecting to be working down to the deadline to get everything set up…it’s currently April, and if we had the funding [it’s coming later] the Shock would have started in ’12. That’s how fast this thing has taken off. My family doesn’t really recognize it, but the state departments do, a global magazine does, the director of a league does [otherwise he would not have called me first], and people writing checks to us wouldn’t be doing so. I know that a person referred to this as a hobby [and I’m trying not to rip on them personally], but a hobby does not have a yearly budget of $50,000, college students, and a paid coaching staff. It doesn’t have a home venue, sponsorships, and people calling for interviews. Guys, this kid who was nearly homeless, broken, ashamed, and at a all time spiritual low is being called nearly daily with interview questions. We’ve got a metro area of 1.5 million people that are ecstatic that a team is coming to Kansas City, and truly; God just keeps fueling the fire. I can’t deny it, and honestly; if you’ve been keeping track of FilingThePapers, you can’t either.

This kind of stuff doesn’t just ‘happen’ to a person. People don’t get divorced and suddenly their life starts over and blossoms into something amazing. Our society preaches against that, especially to those crazy, weird Christians. If my life is not a living testimony to what God can do to a undeserving, self-loathing, mistake making guy; I don’t know what is. I made [and make] those mistakes and I am a Christian.

All of that said, today I stepped into one of the biggest challenges of my life.

I denied the attraction of someone.

Now, the person isn’t important [in this story], what is important is the lesson learned. In each past relationship, I remember ‘red flags’; those moments where you know you shouldn’t be in the relationship. Each time I ignored those signs and…well…we know the results. Today, I had a red flag moment, and for the first time in my life. I turned away and went in a different direction. I accepted my life, accepted that all aspects of it has or needs to change in order for myself to continue to grow. Was/Is it easy? Nope. It wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but that sensation was quickly covered up with the sensation of knowing that for His kingdom…

I did the right thing.



"Dare to be different. Shock the world"

X: Growth


Plants need water.

Birds need food.

Humans need…mistakes.

I’ve noticed that life around me, both realistic and digital has been comprising of a general theme; people showing concern over the fact that I’m overlooking the fact of what cards have been dealt to me. In other words, I don’t understand the severity of what a divorce is, I’m not mature enough, and my ‘love letters’ are merely a ruse to further implicate those actions.

I’ve been thinking throughout the day, while getting fitted for my friends wedding on Saturday, and talking to my attorney about paperwork and contesting issues inside the decree placed in the dockets [what? I’m an adult, I can use big words too], how I want to address this concept. Obviously it would be rude and non-satisfactory if I just went off on some immature tirade about people not getting it, or the fact that their not in this position, or just the fact that I’m not having the best day.

They’re all excuses.

This site was established to show you, not the proper way, but the realistic way, through my personality, of traveling through a divorce. Please understand that I try to keep things semi-positive around here [exception being anything involved with the internet down south], so there are some things that you are not ‘privy’ too.

  • The entire month of June will not be disclosed
  • Packing up the apartment last weekend will not be addressed in detail
  • Traveling to the attorney isn’t needed to be discussed
  • Most nights when the lights go out aren’t for sharing

I make those points because I have done a poor job in addressing the fact that I’m hurt. I’m broken, bruised, been kicked around, in many ways do not feel worthy, and it is painful emotionally to walk into a shell of an apartment, what once was a ‘home of love’. When KJ left, the bedroom door was shut, it wasn’t opened again until last weekend. I could go on with more thoughts, but I hope that I have portrayed the proper image; I hurt too.

However, this is where the difference begins to take place. I have the opportunity to dwell on the reality, to establish the fact that something in my life has drastically changed, for the worse.


I can accept the cards that I have been dealt, learn from them, and then choose to move on with my life.

I choose to move on.

There were very damaging things that have been said and done within the past two months. The fact is that KJ is gone, divorce papers were filed June 29th, 2011, and I was ‘served’ on July 7th, 2011. The only thing that is left is following through with the court’s wishes [and paying that stupidly high attorney fees along with it], move to northwest Missouri, start my new job, and carry on with life, without KJ.
I do believe it is vital to say that in my marriage I made mistakes, I did try my best, but I still screwed up like everyone else. Unfortunately in the eyes of some and/or many my mistakes were amplified, acted on, and blown up for the world to see. I will continue to make mistakes, that is my nature. I met an individual at  Starbucks this weekend, they made the comment that their life got better once they realized that they’re going to sin, they’re going to hate it, but they’re going to be forgiven. She didn’t say she enjoyed making mistakes, but she understands that perfection is impossible, and in many ways hypocritical. My thought process is similar, I have to make mistakes in order to learn about myself, the world around me, and how to carry on.

This site focuses around not just one large mistake, but mistakes as a whole, and not exactly what those mistakes were, but how the recovery was handled. Trust me, I could whine and complain about a miserable life, feeling alone, and knowing that love will never find me. However, instead of fulfilling the desires of so many, I instead will follow Mr. Frost:

Two roads diverged upon a yellow wood
And I
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

May we carry on together, learn from our mistakes, and challenge each other to strive for knowledge on a daily basis.