XXXI: Memories Become Fragments


Peace.

One of the first ‘rules of blogging’ is to not apologize to the reader when it’s been some time since you’ve last posted any thoughts on your own blog.

Honestly, I’m not sorry.

I would apologize, but doing so would mean that I’m regretting the time spent with students, time spent with my wife, and time spent…well…living life. It’s almost supernatural to consider how so many vivid memories become nothing more than just fragments of a bigger picture. Turning down the trail, a mile under my belt already early in today’s crisp morning, I tried to think back on the motivation that propelled me to run for so many years.

I couldn’t envision it. I couldn’t remember it. I couldn’t grasp it. The once horrific onslaught of guilt and corruption no longer could be found in my veins. Truly, I’ve been cleaned and purified.

I haven’t written because I moved on with the life that I still have, and I’ve in turn walked away from the life I once had. Nights of sorrow are filled with days of life. Days of frustration are filled with nights of peace. This is the best I’ve slept in nearly twenty years.

Is it alright to just claim the ability of healing and redemption? Is it alright to forge life on dreams? I’ve never felt so reckless in my life like now, and I’ve truly loved life no more than currently in this strange state.

Shopping for light bulbs? Sure!
Splitting wood for the fireplace? You bet!
Grading papers while the sun spills through the window? Wouldn’t want it any other way!

I’m curiously fascinated by Darco’s take on my desire to always run against the grain of the socially accepted. Moreso now because there are so many things to this life that I’m 100% good with. I enjoy living in the suburbs, running to the local coffee shop, and spending the evening with my wife. I’m happy that we don’t try to conquer the world after a day full of work, and I love waking up to the light peering through our windows each morning.

It’s not even the point of thanking God for getting me out of once was; it’s about thanking Him for what He’s currently provided me with. Nowhere can I find Jesus suggesting that we hold onto the scars of our past, I can only find the encouragement to learn from them. I don’t read about accepting eternal guilt, I find lines and lyrics of embracing eternal grace. Why…how…could I negate the works of my Father when He’s completely revolutionized my life? Not once, not twice, but everyday that I continued to find breath.

What I didn’t think, or even envision in my own life is that revolution spins around more besides just a divorce. I thought for years that, that was going to the pivotal moment of my life. My defining moment of the legacy that was left on this planet.

Can I tell you the one thing that I’ve learned since grasping that thought?
A divorce is only one piece of the entire puzzle of one’s life. It doesn’t define anything about the individual, it’s merely another struggle to overcome, accept, endure, and embrace when trying to figure out your place on this blue dot we call home.

Darco accepts my weird scars, but she also doesn’t let me get away with using them as a crutch. A divorce five years ago doesn’t dictate if I can do dishes tonight or not. It doesn’t excuse specific spending habits in the bank account. It doesn’t justify hostility and negativity towards other humans. It’s merely a point in time.

Can I be honest with you? Part of the reason I don’t write as much on this page is because there isn’t nearly as much to share. So much about clicks, views, likes revolve around dramatic, traumatic experiences. I don’t have them to share. The cat got a cold and I think I have a few cavities, but that’s as crazy as it gets. After living some of the strangest chapters of my life already; I’m just fine with admitting that life in the view of the world’s perspective is rather peaceful.

I’m alright with conforming and not fighting against God’s desire and plan.
I’m alright with just embracing the naive, novel idea of peace.

-D-

#getyourpraiseon


Awesome setting.

Enjoying an Imperial Java Stout by Santa Fe Brewing Company.
The fireplace is roaring with an awesome fire for the evening.
The freezing rain is currently falling outside.
Dishes are washed.
Clothes are dried and put away.

Awesome, peaceful, undeserving evening.

-D-

#getyourpraiseon


#429 of things I never dreamed that I’d witness in my lifetime:

Waking up late on a Saturday morning, heading into town with my wife to enjoy a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop. Driving home, paying bills, balancing our account, and beginning the deep cleaning of our house. Witnessing the fact that we’re actually growing our savings while paying off bills in mass at the same time.

Pretty cool place.

Cats are sleeping, wife’s out enjoying the day with her friends, and I’m joyfully at home. Relaxed, listening to progressive tracks of synthesized music, and taking care of this life that we have.

We are blessed.

We will praise.

getyourpraiseon

-D-

XXXI:Taste & See


It’s all because of Facebook and its memory feature. It, in some ways, can be that painstaking reminder of the life that you left and the life that you’ve currently chosen to live.

Curious of the random image from five years ago that came across my social feed; Darco and I dived deeper into the world of a time when we didn’t know one another. Through the past posts of five, ten years went by. Resulting in at least one prior post on this day from FilingThePapers.

The story revolves around one of my journey’s with Subway. I traveled deep into the southern part of our region. I went back into the town that I called home during college and enjoyed sushi for the first time since my divorce earlier that year. There’s so much to be thankful for, as illustrated in the post.

However the writing of the past doesn’t even compare to the undeserving manner that my soul currently resides in; in this strange euphoric realm that allegedly is referred to as ‘life’.

As strange as it sounds, I try earnestly to forget the world that once was. I purposefully try to forget about people, events, actions of the past in hopes of allowing scars to become hidden. I love waking up in the morning, forgetting that I’m divorced, that I had a life before this one. I’m not sure if that’s the Christ-like attitude to have, but the present is so much clearer, wonderful, and truth-be-told it’s so, so much sweeter.

I wrote in that post, from four years ago, a simple verse that I recalled at the time of biting into the most emotional piece of sushi ever…

Taste and see that the Lord is good…
-Psalm 34:8

Jobs have come and gone, apartments have disappeared with friendships, and lifelong connections have grown like the licking flames in this evening’s fireplace.

I have tasted.

He is so good.

Darco and I sat on our living room couch tonight, staring at our fireplace while the cats laid in front of the mantel. Toasty, warm, and safe. It was one of those moments where words weren’t even required, because everyone was at peace within the house. Last night Darco and I spoke more about the fact that there’s nothing deserving in the lives of ourselves that should allow us to be in this house. There’s no reason that we should enjoy a fireplace at night and the country sun during the morning. She shouldn’t have an amazing job that she loves in the coffee shop, and I shouldn’t be able to enjoy walking into a classroom every day.

Too many times we stare into each other’s eyes wondering whose lives we’ve taken over. I was alone and she was lost; how did we come to this moment?

There’s no equation, logic, or solid answer. It’s only God. How on earth could I stand before the multitudes and foolishly try to answer with any other key? How could I state that my hard work has equalled this moment of tranquility? I can’t!

Whether it’s sushi from four years ago, or a fireplace tonight, I will never be able to express how glorious my God truly is.

-D-

 

XXXI: 4 years, 37000 views, and many lifetimes later


I can hear my wife sleeping. She’s been asleep for nearly three hours now. Six hours ago she arrived back into the United States from her first international mission trip. As you could imagine, she’s rather tired. I’ve checked on her a few times, but she’s just sprawled out on the bed, soaking up the air conditioning, and peacefully asleep.

Not too bad for four years of reliving life.

It dawned on me a few days ago that I had passed the yearly anniversary of the founding of FilingThePapers. As much as I hate cliches, life really does fly by when you’re having fun. I went ahead and popped back to this time in 2011. On this day; I had began the process of collecting my belongings down south and awaited my new life up here. Honestly, I could have never predicted the life that was waiting for me. I’ve made business, failed business, hired, and fired. I’ve had bills caught up, and I’ve ran the risk of having my electricity shut off. I was single, I was alone, and I was angry for so long. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Chicken Soup for the Runner


Productive day during this break from school. Cleaned the kitchen, made juice, cleaned the kitchen again, had lunch, and started dinner. The cloudy, cool, damp day wanted to keep me indoors, but thankfully Jim popped over to get me out of the apartment (flat on the Mazda3 needed to be changed out).

Afterwards, I felt the sudden inspiration to run “stadiums” (running up and down the flights of steps at a local football field) for my workout. I had forgotten that technically Thursday’s are my day of rest from running. Darco was gone for the day and night, so truly the day was up to me. Two hours later I finished my workout, grabbed coffee (haven’t had that in nearly a week), and headed home.

Finished my rehab workouts from my doctor, and hopped in the shower (shame on me, it had been two days). Upon finishing I checked on the dinner that I had started; a crock pot variety of chicken soup with gluten free pasta noodles.

Now? I’m sitting comfortably on the couch, preparing to watch a new episode of Arrow, iced coffee on the table, chicken soup in a bowl, and a calm glow from the lamp in the living room.

Truly, this is the best day of spring break to date.

Oh yeah…the department of education also said today that I qualify for a provisional social studies middle school certification without having to take their content examination!

-D-