Rose Colored Reality

I am not starving to death.
My home is still in one piece.
I can worship where I want.
I can dine where I please.

Recent weeks and months have changed, so slightly, the landscape of my own life. Nothing traumatic, dangerous, or depressing; just change. The world is slightly more united, the world is slightly more volatile.

Piece by piece my reality starts to crumble.

I have slept through two nights without waking up once. While this calls for a moment of joy, it also calls for a moment of concern. What could be going on within one’s life that would cause them to sleep with such ease?


Unknowingly of course.

It started with my wife being curious about the current political landscape. It then continued into a united school building divided by legalistic opinions. It was added to from the fears of my students, and it was nearly finished off with stress outside of a rather grim world.

My students are my single ray of hope on a daily basis.

I have not had stress like this for years. Daily I have a headache as I head home from work, by 9:00 PM I tend to be ready to sleep, and 6:00 AM turns into 6:30 AM almost instantaneous. People are mean, whispers are used as murder tools, and the landscape of the reality I call home changes with each passing day.

If I complain out loud; I’m merely complaining about my status as ‘some white guy in America’, if I keep it to myself my heart just aches that much more.

I guess, summed up, put simple….even in my own chaotic mind. When looking at life in general…

I am not having fun anymore.



I have always been interested in the unique word sojourner. To understand what the word, not necessarily the historical name, actually means takes a bit of research and some creativity. Even in the Bible. a few translations make reference to being a sojourner throughout the land. Slowly but surely I’m beginning to have a better understanding of what this word means, and how it applies to me.

Perhaps, I should begin by offering a heart-felt apology to so many people. I feel guilt. Shame. Abandonment even. It may not necessarily make sense at the moment, but please believe me when I state my aim is not to create hate, but instead confess my own confusion.

I do not understand this world.

I do not understand this society.

I do not understand the people.

While not impossible, I do firmly question how hard it is to be a Christian within the society that I currently dwell in. Maybe that is too broad of a statement and/or question. Perhaps I have not tried hard enough to emphasize my thoughts, God’s will, or Biblical interpretations in relation to last weeks election.

I feel…nothing.

*crowd throws tomatoes*

I am sorry. This is where my heart hurts. I see one side of people thrilled about an elected leader who is going to ‘change the status quo in Washington’. I see another side that is full of fear, sadness, and anger. I’m stuck in the middle because I feel sadness for both sides. I cannot look at any person, any group of people, and suddenly feel threatened by their power. God is a lot bigger then what we measly humans can conjure up. That realization, that fact, that truth is what I hold onto on a daily basis. In fact, literally this is something I carry on me in the form of in on my left shoulder:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I did not get a tattoo just because I wanted one. I received one because I wanted that reminder with me. Originally, I thought it would serve as a reminder of what God has done to protect me coming out of a horrific divorce. However, five years past those tragic days I see that God’s message holds true in many uncertain events.

Reality is understanding that bad things will always plague this world. We have done this to ourselves. History demonstrates that to us on a daily basis. We will always have leaders that strike fear throughout the masses, and there will always be groups of people trying to rewrite the laws of society. This is not a situation within just the United States, this is a situation that resides within the global community.

I have watched friends, colleagues, people of faith, and people without, tear at each other for the past seven days. I tiptoe around every conversation I can, barely giving recognition to the results of the previous week. Why? Because I’m not spiritually swayed one way or another, there is no line for me. I follow the government as instructed, and I follow the God that created all of it. I try to keep my regulations and rules to a minimum, and simplify thoughts so that I do not become lost within ‘red tape’.

However, the problem with the information stated above is that it does not sit well with anyone within society anymore. I can say the things above because I am “a middle class, white, male who owns personal property”. I’m ‘entitled’ to live life risk free because of elements that I cannot control within my own identity. With that said, if I do choose to take a side, most likely either viewpoint will immediately conflict within the Biblical principles that I am to hold myself accountable to. I can gain the whole world, but in turn I can also lose my soul.

I feel like a wanderer, a person without a home. I feel the urge to apologize to every person I come across since last week because there is not a camp that I fall into. I don’t understand how Christian’s can take such polarizing stances on any specific political topic inside our society. So much of everything conflicts with the governing nature of God, Himself. I know what Christ said about government, I know what God warned about in relation to government, and I know that the direction is at all times to trust God, love like Christ, and endure the world that I currently live in.

Currently, I am not mad, angry, or frustrated with any group of people within the United States. Extremists, political groups, advocates, social media stalkers, etc…I’m sad because inside my soul; I can tell I do not belong. I feel isolated and alone because I did not take a side*, pick a camp, or reside with specific people that have the same political views. I chose none of it because none of it made sense compared to the teachings that I have immersed myself in. I do not need Church leaders to tell me who to vote for, who to be afraid of, or when to panic. I need a body that is willing to focus on what and who is important and recognize that the kingdoms of this world with come and go. Only one will forever remain.

In conclusion; I am sorry that you do not find me with a  safety pin, and I apologize that I do not join you in jokes about protestors, immigration, and racial charged groups of people. I apologize that I have very little share on social media, and my ‘political education’ appears to be turning up nothing of value for fuel of those looking.

I am sorry that this one time I will agree with former teachers, leaders, parents, and everyone else; I cannot resist but to go against the grain and not follow the standard norm. I am a sojourner; this is a land where I realize I will never belonged.

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19


*Note: As a citizen within this society, I would like to go on record of stating that I did vote within the election. Should be stated just as an act of clarification.

Mobile Minutes: Addiction Service

Do you or someone you know have a social media addiction problem? Great news! I have a solution for you.

Have the poor soul log onto Facebook. Have them read their newsfeed one hour per day; specifically after a major, political election.

Not only will they give up on humanity*, they will also give up Facebook. Also effective for Twitter.

With this patent pending method of psychological medical procedure you can get back to your busy life of work, taxes, and flat tires.


*antidepressants sold separately

XXXI: Political Science

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.

I received a degree in Political Science because I wanted to seek out ‘truth’. At the time I had no idea what that looked like, how it could be used, and why it even mattered. Through lectures, textbooks, essays, and forums I spent my time trying to understand concepts such as rhetoric, manipulation, persuasion, and politicking.

Several years through college and several after, I still seek after that ‘truth’. I’m still curious as to the functionality of humans when it comes to interaction with each other, unspoken hierarchies, and the systems of which we have decided to govern one another.

Truly, there is no better time to be alive like today in order to witness all these questions unravel before your own eyes.

Receiving a degree in Political Science, as I’ve joked with my students, allows you to go one of two ways in life:

  1. Jump in over your head in the enjoyment of politics and the study of it
  2. Realize how unstable the world is and run away

…I’m still in the process of running.

My Facebook friends list is getting shorter by the week; pro or con arguments against political enemies or corporate conglomerate actions are enough to cause me to step away from the social media world. Reality is, everyone is upset about something or someone, and they firmly believe that their viewpoint is the dominate view compared to any other opposing thought.

There is a reason I do not speak much when it comes time for politics at the dinner table. In the past year I’ve witnessed teargas in Missouri, I’ve studied riots in California, and tried to understand economic sabotage by business both local and abroad.

I do desperately wish I had an answer that would explain the way that this world works. I’ve seen churches divide, and Christian’s step away from their faith, I’ve breathed in hypocrisy and on several occasions witnessed that a physical church building does not indeed keep the devil away.

I’m not overly sure which is harder to be in today’s world:

  1. One who holds a Political Science degree that tries to avoid political conversations
  2. A Christian that tries to avoid political conversations

In several instances I’ve come to believe that my social anxiety doesn’t stem from struggling to communicate with other sentient creatures. It stems from trying to understand that one election, one riot, one building on fire, or one country at war doesn’t describe our world as a whole.

The truth is far more painful to accept I’ve learned.

We are ruined.

We live in a global society that is dictated so strongly by the ways of which a secular culture breathes; in many instances the faith…a faith…is hardly recognizable. The reality is understanding that this world is so messed up, and personally from my education, I was taught that concept a long, long time ago. Additionally, if we’re thinking that the action by the masses is something new, we’ve obviously lost grasp of what history has taught us.

I can’t take a stand on political matter. I can’t examine and explain racial profiling and reactions that so many have towards one another. I can’t determine the cause of inflation, oil prices, or self proclaimed terrorists and their actions throughout the world.

I can only explain the fact that our world was ruined from the beginning (give or take a few days and one piece of fruit). I can examine and teach that in many ways, most likely, global life will continue to struggle. Masses will die, dynasties will end, and civilizations will collapse.

History tells us that.

I can also use historical text and ancient religious scholars to condemn the acts of so many; especially those who claim to be of one faith…or another.

Finally, I can take note that through my own religious teachings and upbringing, that my job isn’t to condemn, to judge, to execute, or to reject. I’m only supposed to love and protect.

Life is not a battlefield between…
…Hillary & Trump
…white & black
…USA & Mexico
…Christian & Muslim

It is simply about…
…love & hate
…good & evil
…ignorance & truth


Mobile Minutes: Human’s Road

Hello friend…

Three days into the recent battle with the common cold and I’m proud to say that I’ve come out on top. I’m actually impressed that the more time I spend inside the walls of education, the stronger my immune system becomes. Most certainly I’ve been able to combat this illness in record time compared to years past.

That’s practically my excuse for not typing in here as of late…

I caught myself daydreaming earlier today. Most of the time I try very hard to remain neutral on world and political issues. Even though it’s my ‘content of study’ with my degrees; it truly allowed me to escape the reality of what it really entails. However, for a few moments this morning, while the fog lifted and truth became clearer, I humored my own wonderings into the realm of reality that we call home. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: #HobbyLobby

I’m not a frequent one to post much of any in depth thought towards a post during the early hours of Monday (it’s still early in my world), but the sheer stupidity of today (ALREADY!) has me sitting in front of a keyboard for the sake of my own sanity.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about arts and crafts. My Facebook newsfeed along with my Twitter timeline are crammed full of pseudo-political activist, religious nuts, and even worse…real politicians. What is the buzz all about? One arts and crafts store and a Supreme Court ruling.

Had this been five years ago I would have taken the time to explain the story behind the 5-4 ruling in the Supreme Court over religious beliefs, and healthcare regulations based on government offerings by way of birth control (vaguely put). Frankly though, I’m pretty done with wasting that much energy on the topic when I could be doing something more productive. Like working on a Monday morning in my office.

But with that said…

Let’s get a few things out of the way:
First the first group, the regulation of birth control within one overpriced, slowly dying arts and crafts store isn’t dooming the United States anytime soon. For the vast minority who work at Hobby Lobby that are still young enough to have children, just give it some time, receive your “going out of business” notification in a few years, and get a new job. Also, there does lie the potential for a change in employment opportunities within your life. We could argue that the government doesn’t have the constitutional right to dictate the operations of a private corporation, and that liberty of choice is entitled to everyone; even business owners, but that concept is way too complicated, way too edged, and…frankly my lunch and coffee is more important to get to compared to that mess of a topic.

Now, as for the other group…
You still have the NRA, Focus on the Family, and Joel Olsteen in your corner. Don’t become drunk on pride for the monumental victory because a court ruling isn’t bringing Jesus back down here anytime sooner. Let it be known that because of your political advocacy, and ignorance of understand that worldly rulings do not dictate the way you should act unto other people…your fruit, is rotten. Don’t be of the world, just be in the place, don’t thumb up your nose at those people because they’ll likely be the same ones that God’ll ask you about during your own judgement. Have fun on Facebook with your gloating and self righteous acts, but know that your attitude, acknowledgement, and acceptance of “victory” isn’t assisting in filling your empty sanctuary each Sunday.

Personally…Hobby Lobby is overpriced, their model train selection is very, very depressing, and I smell like a nursing home each time I leave the building. But hey, that’s just my thought on the dramatic matter. Then again…I’m a male.


Mobile Minutes: Meet The Mrs.

For your entertainment:

We thought it’d be fun to kick off the next chapter of life with a short video actually introducing Darco. Be sure to check out the photos below as well. Continue reading

Mobile Minutes: Better Block

I had the most fascinating day today.

…if you’ve ever in my life time have made a comment about me and the involvement of politics please save your ‘I told you so’ for later…

This morning my girlfriend, Dur, and myself found ourselves deep in Kansas City, Missouri at our favorite location on an early Wednesday morning; 1 Million Cups. This is my first day going out in the world since being sick and we made it one wild day. After an hour there, and spending some time talking to some business friends of ours we split to Blanc burger to enjoy some quality food from Kansas City.

Afterwards [and some coffee later] Dur was dropped off for work, and my girlfriend and I went to an event in our city that we were curious about: Better Block.

The concept of Better Block is unique:

Take an area of a downtown area [like a city block] and spruce it up; clean up some downtown storefronts and invite local businesses to ‘rent out’ the area for day and practically throw a festival. The final product is to show citizens what a rebuilt, lively downtown can look like. Given the city I live in is older than Kansas City; it could be royally sweet if cleaned up correctly. My girlfriend and I got a tour of some of the buildings [none of which I had ever been in] and the creativity within this city on the architectural side is breath taking.

Prior to this, we had, had a meeting in the regional development office for a few hours and taking the knowledge from the Kansas City Shock; myself and my significant other introduced ideas of social media influence, soccer concepts for the festival, and even the introduction of some of the start up businesses we work with in Kansas City.

We caught the ear of the right person.

Walking to the buildings from the meeting I was able to walk with the director for the regional development office. We spent some time going over my past, the city, and then we entered into politics; both of us being political science students in college. By the time we had entered the first building my questions had been answered, my foot was in the door, and this much had become evident:

I’m entering the world of politics.

I’m on the planning board for Better Block, working with the media director, and am also going to start plugging this group into our connections within the Kansas City area. Imagine if the ideas of innovation and development in Kansas City spread to our neck of the woods, it’d be continued development for the entire region. Needless to say, my head is busting with ideas, concepts, and the overall irony of how my life has played out.

Those closest to me, reading this, combined with the events of the Kansas City Shock are sitting back knowing what all of this is:

The first step.


O: Strength Week

Imagine myself in a tree…

Meaning, for the time you’ll need to imagine a 6’3, skin and bones red headed teenager lodged up in a small tree on the campus of a university.

Cell phones weren’t popular, and e-mail was slowly growing. I was armed with a red pen, a summer breeze, a Bible, and a tablet of paper. I started writing, looking at versus and tying them in ‘my way’ into a thought process that would stay as a theme for the week. Something about being able to find strength on a Sunday in order to prepare myself for the week ahead.

I named it “Strength Week”.

I had started this concept at a summer camp that I frequented in junior high and high school named “Super Summer”; put on by the Missouri Baptist Convention [try not to hold that against me]. One of the many times I was at this camp I came up with this idea of keeping  a journal of one entry for the week. Almost a weekly devotion. However, I wanted to share it with others.

My friends, I assumed, would think I was weird, but on the e-mail system I should be safe. Because of this I created a weekly list [before e-mail programs actually stored lists] of people that I would share that e-mail with. This was my first taste of social media [Facebook hadn’t been invented yet and MSN IM was still popular] as I learned that people would read the entry, then forward it to their contact list, etc…for a fifteen year old that was pretty neat. However, like all things of teenage years, I soon grew too busy [especially in the school year] and failed to keep up with my “Strength Week” articles.

I wish I had the e-mail address of that 15 year old boy so I could get a copy of one of those e-mails…

Personally, I would rank this past week right up there with the week my wife left me, the week I ran out of money, the week MC was diagnosed with cancer, and the week my first girlfriend broke up with me. It’s been an awful week. It’s been awful primarily because of tonight’s conviction on the reflection of my behavior and attitude in the past week. If you ever want to know where Satan can latch on and drag down a Christian, I encourage you to develop your own business, and then try to stick to a Biblical standard of code and conduct.

Enjoy the fireworks.

I was sitting at MoVal this morning, dead to the world, when one of the church elders came up to chat. Now, our elders range in age, so this is not an old man with a cane that’s poking at me. This is a guy with a relatively young family, business owner, who just enjoys life. He started talking to me, making note that I looked exhausted, and worn out.

I honestly could have broken into tears right there. I’m fearful to tell people that I’m worn out of because of the fear of them assuming that I really don’t work that hard. It felt like forever to get my parents to understand that I didn’t just have a hobby, I had built a business. However, when you’re not trading stocks, making sandwiches, and teaching classrooms of children it can be hard to quantify what a ‘business’ really is; especially when work involves doing what you love. So, for a while I’ve tried to keep it under wraps and just not talk about it. Not bring up the pains in my back and neck, not mention the headaches, or how I can easily sleep all day. I’m scared to bring up the sorrow and fear I have at night trying to find answers in the world of business. I’m terrified to even speak about the doubt that I deal with on how God is going to provide. I’m so scared that people will place me as a dramatic individual who is looking for attention, and doesn’t know what “real work” really is.

However, after speaking to this elder, and listening to my girlfriend repeatedly telling me to go home and reset today; I’m typing this message out of guilt, shame, and a convicted heart of struggling as a Christian. When the fear comes in that people believe that I’m not working hard, or that I”m not doing enough, when I’m scared to speak up because of what the world may thing, it points out an evident, painful sin: pride.

So, in the event to squash the pride and shed some light into my world; I’m typing this message tonight to simply make this claim:

I am absolutely exhausted. It hurts to stand up and move from my office to my bed. I don’t sleep at night, and I work all day. I try to get duties at the gym in, and eat respectfully. Realistically; I am failing at all of it. I. Have. No. Strength.

This is a evidently longer post, and I apologize for that, but as this is my website I have the ability and right to type the night away. I think the best way for me to illustrate what exactly the convictions of this lone mans soul is, is to be able to send out apologies to those who have been wronged by my behavior in recent days [strongly reflecting on the past week]:

Soccer Community:
I didn’t think there was anything in the world that could cause me to become as bitter as I was when my ex-wife left my life. I really didn’t. Because of that, it isn’t overly surprised that I was proved wrong this week. To bring everything into the light, I’ll go this route: In February of last year I decided to build a women’s soccer program in Kansas City, a premier team that worked with college and post-college players in hopes of giving them something to look forward to after college. A life of a player past the years of the NCAA. Massive blueprint, schematics, hopes, and dreams. I had an overwhelming belief [and still do] that this is my mission field, and this is the route that God wants me to take. However, that doesn’t mean that it is going to be easy, and it most definitely isn’t. In July of last year I was notified that another women’s program was coming into Kansas City, by November that program was announced. It is supported by a successful business owner in Kansas City, and backed by the US Soccer Federation. It crushed me over Thanksgiving. I believe in honesty and transparency, and if I told you that I hadn’t considered worse case scenarios at that point; I’d be lying.

I struggled with hate, I struggled with questions, I struggled with a potential [and volatile] fan base. Kansas City is growing from primarily soccer team in 2012 to seven in 2013; us being one of them. Financially, league strength, and support; we’re as one of the media relations of Kansas City stated, “the low-man on the totem pole”. I haven’t felt so damaged, flawed, and laughed at since having my pants pulled down at recess in elementary school. What can a 25 year old, who lived in the back of his truck, do in the soccer community dominated by the ‘big guns’ of the media image? It’s a question that plagued me, there are connections, and resources that were lost. And the whole time, through media, social media, and interaction I had to keep face, be polite, and try not to show intimidation. After all, as so many people of the Kansas City soccer community put it, “We’re completely different compared to the other program.” Each person that told me that, put yourself in my shoes, that’s all I’d ask.

I would rant, rave, and continue to my tantrum but the reality is that, that isn’t what this is about. This is about the conviction of my heart, knowing that as a Christian, regardless of business and competition, and know that it is in the wrong spot. Competition can bring out the worst in us, and it has been seen sometimes through social media, and sometimes with media interaction, and I can promise you that there are people within the last week that have spoken to me, and walked away thinking, “Really? That’s a Christian? Ouch…”

I am not perfect, but I can be much better then what I’ve allowed myself to be in the past week. For those in the soccer community that have found the free time to read through this post; while it directly affects, indirectly, or if you honestly don’t give a flip; just know as an owner of a women’s program that was to “grow the game”, even before the season has started for us: I have let you down, and while I’m still growing and learning the in’s and out’s of the business world, I only ask that even if you give up on me; don’t give up on the dream of what this program was designed to do: being a shining beacon of what happens when entertainment, community, and innovation come together. It’s much more then just 11 players on a field.

This one hurts a lot.

Amazingly, to show off God’s grace, even though I went through a tragic, painful divorce in 2011; I was given the opportunity and the blessing to fall in love with a wonderful woman. Anyone who has been around us knows that our personalities can create a very polarized atmosphere that isn’t always the most…welcoming. However, she has never, and I sincerely mean never, given up on me.

I’ve told her my fears, she knows my past, she knows I was left in the dust [not saying that I didn’t deserve it] with nothing. She accepts that I’m not rich, and even embraces that psychotic soccer store that is making itself known. I’ve been sick twice in the past four months, each time she has taken time that she could use to do everything else she wants to do, and took care of me. My coffee gets brewed in the mornings, and even though she works at Starbucks, if the day is going in a specific direction; she’ll pick me up a large drip from Dunkin Donuts. She thinks the world of me. Always makes an effort to hold my hand at MoVal, and gets ticked if I don’t kiss her goodbye when we go our different ways for the day. My girlfriend is an amazing cook, even though she won’t admit it, and works her tail off for a better life. At 19 she’s already looking at promotions in the corporate of Starbucks. She balances my nightmare of a life, with her online college education, paying the majority of the bills for where she lives, and even helps her mother with her bills. Her life revolves around babies, coffee, and learning more about her newly acquired Christian faith. She tries sushi, even though she hates it, just to try to make me happy. She’s a woman that ever man should dream of meeting.

And I fail to tell her that.

I’m so selfish, focused, and conflicted with the direction of my life that I’ve failed to remind her of how beautiful she is. I haven’t taken a split second to kiss her on the cheek. I’m yet to bring her flowers [though she’s told me she doesn’t need them…this brings about confusion], and we haven’t had a ‘date night’ for several weeks. As much as it haunts me, I wouldn’t be surprised if at night, while frustrated with me [for good reason] she thinks, “Yes, I see why his ex-wife left him.” I wouldn’t blame her, I wouldn’t be upset either.

To my girlfriend, the woman who frequently speaks of what life will be like when she’s my wife, I owe you my heart.

This easily hurts the most.

I have been to rock bottom in life; I’ve witnessed it. I have noted what it is like to lose absolutely everything. It was only then did God begin to say, “Now I can show you what I can do”.

As the site has grown over the past year and a half, the concept remains the same: God does amazing things with very regular people. The soccer program that He’s allowed me to have should be enough to represent that. However, He doesn’t stop there. He brought me home, He gave me a new life, an incredible job at Subway with a staff that supports the Kansas City Shock. He gave me the welcoming body of Missouri Valley, and a pastor that could look see the sins of my past, and still welcome me in. I’ve traveled more in 2012 then I have ever; including Los Angeles, Guatemala, Baltimore, Dallas [twice!], and Washington, D.C. Not to mention Las Vegas in two weeks from now, Boston, and a summer full of excitement. I’ve been given friends, both old who didn’t give up on me, and new who are still wondering what I am. He’s given me excellent health, a new body, and ambition for a new life.

I have no excuse not to give praise where praise is due.

I’m shamed because I struggled last week to tell a random business owner that God has blessed me in amazing ways. I’ve failed to stay reading the Bible on a daily basis, and my mind hasn’t remained focused on Him. I’ve been hateful, spiteful, and painfully egocentric. I may have said one thing, but I traversed mentally into the realm of, “Look at what have done.” I’ve been dishonest, a politicians, and most painful of all; I’ve manipulated people…again. The one thing I said I’d never do again. I’ve looked in the mirror and saw that worldly business owner, I’ve had nightmares of the earthly politician, and I cringe typing this knowing how close I’ve come, once again, to my own destruction.


To my Father, the only One capable of doing the unimaginable, the awe-inspiring, and demonstrating never ending love, I’m a fallen human in a sinful world, and by Your grace I’m saved, but I need guidance and grace now, more then ever. I. am. sorry.

Perhaps it’s the complex of pride and lack of patience that has cast me into this spiraling world of doubt and destruction. Even though my reputation is tarnished, and my attitude has been poor, especially in the past week, the goal still remains the same: when I’m gone…as in dead, whatever it is that I end up doing, as cheesy as it sounds, it has to be 100% truth:

My tombstone better be blank, because whatever I’m to be known for better be given as a sacrifice of my first fruits to my Father.