XXXI: Default

Your loan has been accelerated…


Trying to reestablish my thought process this morning. I haven’t even touched my coffee yet and it’s already 8:30 AM.


I’ve been mulling over how to be honest without shattering any self-esteem that may be left in my body. I suppose self-esteem isn’t really needed when an individual tries to remove their worldly desires. However, I can say this soundly…

I failed. Continue reading

X: Ultimate Sacrifice

First off all, this nightmare is completely eating at me in ways I can’t describe. I have nightmares, like any other person in the world they’re not special, unique, or self-fulfilling, but they do cause me to lose sleep, and unlke what MC says, I can’t control them. They. Just. Happen.

A few days ago I started on about a dream that I had that involved outrunning a massive windstorm that was coming to sweep me away and destroy everything around me. Not really that uncommon, almost expected on most nights [though flooding was not involved]. Last night though, almost child-like, this one woke me up in a cold sweat and shaking hands.

Out in the deserted wasteland that was once central Kansas, I found myself traveling along in a rusted out, old car with a group of people. We were on our way to visit this strange, hurting town that had been abandoned for some time. As we streaked down this empty, two lane road; the car passed a green city limits sign. What was unique about this sign was that it not only had the name of the town in English [as is expected], but it also had a Russian name below it [no I have not been watching Red Dawn again…]. The traveling troupe and myself found this quite unique, and continued into the location.

When we had arrived, we stepped out to dirt, debris, and empty, boarded up homes. A few people came out to see what the noise was about. A few men shook our hands; they bones could be easily felt through their almost transparent skin. The group took us through town and explained that a chemical had contaminated the area [they pronounced it several times, but for the life of me I can’t remember it…tri-adoline-phosphate-etc…], and because of that the water was contaminated and the area was unlivable. 

Into the evening, while standing in this strange land, we met the local pastor of the church and his wife. A lovely couple, devoted in assisting this dying [literal] community to the best of their abilities. As a person [through narrator glasses inside this dream] it was so moving to see people so dedicated towards assisting those whose daily lives are such a struggle. 

That night it began to rain. The river began to rise, the town started to flood [what’s a nightmare of mine without a flood?]. The problem was that this chemical, when mixed with water, became very acidic [nasty pH level]. The people were on the tops of their homes, just trying to survive, when a young child slipped off into the racing, corrosive water. The wife of the pastor instantly, without even thinking twice, dived right into the water to grab the child. As the person experiencing this nightmare it became extremely difficult, the screaming of unbearable pain from the child and the woman saving the child was just…bone chilling. Thankfully, the little girl got out of the water and was rushed in to be treated. The woman also was pulled in, but her injuries were severe.

This is where the nightmare took an amazing turn. The pastor, obviously troubled and heartbroken by the health of his wife, spent all his time with this little girl. Why? Because his wife instructed him to. She told him, dying, that she was going to be safe regardless and that this child needed to be attended to. I’m not one to cry in dreams, but it was rather hard not to at this site. Here is this pastor and wife, not that old, being torn apart along this foreign, destroyed, hopeless land, and they both have to selflessly acknowledge that His kingdom must go on.

Thankfully, I woke up in my comfortable bed, in my heated room, in my safe little town this morning. I spent a good hour reflecting on that nightmare. I mean, come on, it severe enough that I really didn’t want to go back to sleep. The screaming, the pain, the sorrow, the grief. All of it was so overwhelming.

With that said though, as comes with everything I do in life, I’ve got find something about it that ties into my present life, current life, or just being able to apply it to what I know as ‘life’.

I suppose the biggest thing I witnessed in that nightmare is the willingness to just sacrifice, to give it up, let it go, recognize that your life is only part of the bigger picture. Which brings us to tomorrow…

Tomorrow, instead of chilling at MoVal, I’m hitting the road. I’m traveling to the church I grew up with as a child and a teenager. Many things are going on within this church body, a lot of rearranging and it has created some hostility. I want a taste, I want to see; I believe with my heart that God can do anything through anyone, but we must be willing to sacrifice.

How can we sacrifice if we can’t even agree on trash receptacles and housing repairs?

He’s going to continue to do great things. We may give up, but His power never ceases.